Chapter Text
Wally zipped ahead and turned around the corner. He was tired, but the promise of a long warm bath and a soft bed were enough to keep him running through the rainy streets. Once he got home, he vibrated himself out of the suit and concealed it in the ring drying himself from the rain in the process, before entering through the back.
He was surprised to hear raised voices and entered the room before his mind had time to identify the voices; thinking he might serve as a buffer to whoever was making his Aunt talk just a decibel below screaming. But as soon as he came into view of the people in the room he felt as if all warmth had been removed from his body.
Wally recognized the person sitting in front of his aunt and uncle. He’ll recognize him anywhere, anytime.
“Dad”
Wally only realized he’d talked when everyone in the room turned to look at him.
His father, Rudolph West was sitting in the left chair of the living room, having tea and cookies with Aunt I and Uncle B.
His father was here. And he was looking at him, slightly surprised with his hand halfway up to his face and pointed at Aunt I but with his face turned to him. With his eyes too open and somewhat sad.
Wally quickly noticed his father was wearing his favorite three-piece suit. The grey one his mother had bought for him as a gift in his fiftieth birthday. His father only wore it on special occasions, like Wally’s school graduation, the wedding of a close friend Wally had managed to escape from going to, and that time he was summoned for jury duty.
It was his formal suit.
He couldn’t take his eyes of him. Of his Father, a man he hadn’t seen in almost four years…
Wally suddenly wished he’d just say something, but his father was just looking at him, immobile. With his mouth slightly agape and his eyes still surprised, like he couldn’t force himself to change expressions. Actually, all the adults seemed frozen in place, only his Uncle seemed to start to be unaffected… Almost as if…
Oh…
Wally forced his body to decelerate and enter into Normal-time as Dick had called it. It was happening more often now that his speed was catching up with his growth. At least that’s what he’d theorized with his Uncle.
“Wallace” his father was the first one to speak, standing up and morphing his features to be a little more open… a little more hopeful. Wally took a step back not really knowing what to do. His Aunt seemed to realize his predicament. “Wally,” she said turning at him and hesitating. “I thought you’ll be home later.”
He was supposed to, but the mission ended early.
And…
He hadn’t seen his father in almost four years, and then he’s here, eating cookies and sitting in his second favorite couch in the house Wally’s starting to feel comfortable calling a home.
What is he doing here?
Is he coming to see me? Is he coming to take me back? ...
Does… Does he come here for tea and cookies when I’m not around?
Wally turned to his aunt and frowned. “I… The… The Team finished early.” Wally said remembering she’d actually asked a question and finding it really hard to process the ability to form words.
Then he turned to his father and the last thought came back and if filled him with a sense of irrational fear. “What are you doing here?” Do you come when I’m not here? Do you have cookies and tea when you expect not to meet with me?
Honestly, Wally hadn’t meant the question to come out fast and rough.
He also hadn’t meant to walk into a parallel dimension where his father just popped up in his Aunt’s living room for tea and cookies, so… His father shrunk a little at the tone and Wally regretted speaking but he recovered quickly, because he really wanted an answer.
“I dropped by to see you, son. I wanted to talk to you. I… should have called, but I wasn’t sure I would be welcome” Said his father and Wally kind of hated the fact that his heart soared at that phrase. Because not only this was been a one-time thing; he was the reason of the visit.
His father wanted to see him.
And the idea of his father not being in contact with his aunt and uncle without his knowledge calmed him far more than he would feel comfortable trying to assess right now. The idea of Aunt I and Uncle B hiding his father’s visits would have hurt too much.
“Rudy. I’ve…” Aunt I spoke softly but was quickly shut down by his father.
His Father.
He was here. In the living room. Trying to talk to him.
For whatever reason.
His father didn’t took his Aunt’s interruption too kindly because he turned huffing to see her “Iris. I’m talking to my son. Whether you like it or not. I’m talking to him. I’m the kid’s father. I deserve this” his father was getting red and Wally looked around, his aunt was skittish and his uncle was giving him a weird look, so probably whatever his father had been speaking about to his aunt had been about him, and by the look of it, she didn’t wanted the subject to be brought up.
“It…” he said before he was able to stop himself “It’s ok, Aunt Iris. I… I wanna talk with my dad” he finished looking at her and smiling softly. His aunt didn’t seem all that confident about this, but sat down next to Barry and grabbed his hand, trying to mask how uncomfortable she felt with whatever was about to happen.
“Good boy,” his father said coming closer and putting a hand on his shoulder. “How are you?”
“Same ol’” he answered moving forward and sitting in the divan in front of his father who sat in the chair opposite to him, leaving his Aunt and Uncle as silent side-observers of their talk “Team’s been nice to me. I… Uhm…” Wally had to bit his tongue from blurting out I have a boyfriend now. It was kind of the biggest thing in his life for the past couple of months, but still. Probably not the safest choice considering their past. “I’ve been keeping up in school. Straight A’s. I was accepted for an Endowed Scholarship Program. I’m thinking to go to Harvard, maybe Stanford. I’ll probably just choose the coast with the best sea” he joked flatly.
“That’s good, kiddo. Real good” he replied nodding and looking up at him with pride. Pride. Wally had almost forgotten how full that look made him feel every time he’d come home with a test he’d aced or a congratulatory card from his teachers. It was worth the nerd bullying if it meant his father and mother were proud of him and supportive of his scientific mind. “I’ve always liked that ‘bout you. You’re smart. That’s what’s gonna give you the keys to life. Not the speed. Knowledge.”
It was true.
Wally remembered the first time he’d talked to his father about the chemistry classes and how he wanted to be a scientist when he was older. His father had given him a huge smile and two days later came home with a chemistry set to be placed on the garage. Wally helped him set it up while his father talked about how knowledge was the key to success in life and that he should pursue his true calling. It had been that talk that had motivated him to ask for private tutoring at school and what had turned him into a science nerd.
His father’s support. When he had it…
Before…
He looked up at his father and saw him thinking, and Wally briefly wondered if he’d gone to the same memory as he had. He tried a small smile and was surprised when his father returned the smile softly before continuing, probably getting into the core of the matter. He’d never been one for small talk. “I… I’ve been talking with your Mom. We… We’re awfully sorry, about how we handled… the… You know… the… condition.” Wally felt a knot in his chest expand for each word his father spoke. The absence of his mother was weighing heavy on his mind. And the way he spoke… It crushed every idea Wally had that his father was going to ask him to come back to him.
To them.
Home.
But he couldn’t.
Because of his problem… his deviation. “His sexuality, Rudy. Not a condition. He’s not sick and he’s not wrong.” As if reading his mind, his aunt talked and Wally felt part of his mind go at ease, the part that was screaming the same words his aunt had spoken.
But he didn’t had a chance, since his father closed his eyes containing his anger and raised his palm to Iris asking her to be silent. “Iris. Let us speak.” Wally felt rather than see the vibration of his Uncle’s legs and arms, and noticed how tense he was. His hand had gone to his aunt’s shoulder and he forced her back to the couch where she went with her arms closed and an angered scowl on her face.
His father turned to his Uncle gave him a short nod thanking him and then looked at him. “As I was saying. We… We’ve been talking, after we moved back to Keystone, we reacquaint ourselves with an old friend. He’s a preacher. We talked, and he made us see the error in our ways. We shouldn’t have let you go. Not without a fight, first.”
“A… A fight?” Wally frowned looking at his father. He was a little lost with all the preacher thing. He knew his mother was quite religious, but his father had never been too into it. Yes, they’d go to church, but it was more of a Sunday tradition than a true commitment.
And then there was the fight talk. Fight for what? Against whom?
Surely not against Aunt I and Uncle Barry…
“Yeah, kiddo. You’re our kid. We should have tried harder. We… He, this Father, his name is Willis. He talked to us about this facility. It’s a camp they run, for people with… with your… problem.” Aunt I scoffed hard and his father again closed his eyes hard trying to ignore her before continuing, but the knot in Wally’s chest was already reaching his throat and Wally felt a huge heavy weight settle all over himself. He’s not really talking about… “It’s run by this psychologist. We’ve talked to him, he’s a really smart guy, he knows what he’s talking about. We could… we could go there…” Wally’s mind dozed off from his father while he talked about the place, apparently two acres of a facility for people with his condition.
His condition being the fact that he’s gay.
And the facility being a camp, run by a psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist who can help him with his condition.
“You want me to go to a conversion camp.” Wally blurted out cutting off his father. He seemed slightly shaken by that and then he scrunched his nose at the term.
Yeah…
“Yeah. I… I know how it looks,” he said briefly glancing towards his aunt, and suddenly Wally understood the reason for their fight. His father wanted him to go to a conversion camp, to try and stop being gay and his aunt had refused. Wally got why her aunt had tried to prevent him from talking to his dad… “I’ve also seen the reports on TV about those places with the forced procedures… the sex therapy and the mind-messing. But this guy’s not like that. It’s just a reassessment program, based on scientific studies and spiritual guidance.” Yeah, right Wally mentally huffed.
He didn’t had anything against religious people believing spiritual guidance helped them overcome difficulties, he himself had started to believe in the existence of spiritual forces beyond scientific understanding…
Beyond current scientific understanding…
What ticked him off was the idea that people would believe these camps were backed by science. No. They weren’t. Even if the preacher wasn’t going medieval on the kids, he was probably still way below the standards set by the APA or any other psychological organizations. Hell, even the WHO had denounced long ago the conversion camps that operated under the assumption that being gay was a disease or something to be cured. Yet here he was, listening to his father ask him to go to a “reassessment program” camp.
And yes, he’d been reading about this. Ever since coming out he’d been catching up with all the Out and Proud movement.
He must have stayed silent for too long, because his father shifted his feet before adding “It’s a family thing too. We could spend a couple weeks together before Christmas, work on this as a family. As we should have.” Wally looked at him, and he could see the hope and the eagerness in his father’s gaze, and for the first time in three years Wally felt a knot in his chest dissolve, and the anger and indignation was changed with something else.
His father wanted to fight for him.
They wanted a family Christmas… The first one in three- nearly four years.
“I…” Wally didn’t knew how to answer to his father…
He was giving him a choice: Come and spend some time with them and try to stay together as a family… or let him leave and probably make his father believe he didn’t wanted to be with them.
The choice was technically so easy. Yet…
“Come on, kid. You… Your mother and I want to give you another chance. We need to work on this as a family.” Wally felt his eyes wet at the mention of his mother but the knot in his throat didn’t recede, on the contrary it grew bigger. They were giving him a chance, the ability to be a family again. This should be a no-brainer, yet…
A conversion camp. Wally couldn’t… Those places didn’t really worked. All he could gain from that is getting into a spiral of depression and internalized hate he’d finally beginning to leave. This…
Couldn’t they ask me for something else? Something possible?
But then again, it was his father. His dad. Asking him to…‘How can you turn out so wrong?’
All I have to do is go there… try and be a good kid for them…
A Normal kid.
He… maybe this camp could prevent his father from being disappointed at him. All he had to do was nod, he knew his father would help him through it all, he’ll try and make it easier for him. He’ll have his family with him.
Again.
They’ll love him and he could go back to the path he was in four years ago. Be a scientist and form a family, be a hero on the sidelines like the Flash…
He could…
“Rudy, that’s enough” his aunt’s voice drew him out of his mind and he turned to see her. She was grabbing Uncle Barry’s hand, he could see her knuckles were white with how hard she was squeezing. And Wally felt a warmth in his chest that allowed him to breathe easier. Whatever he decided, he’ll count with his aunt and uncle’s to have his back.
His father, however was evidently tired of his aunt’s interruptions because he turned around red in the cheeks and glared at her “No, Iris. It’s not. I let you take my son once. I’m getting him back.” Wally swallowed.
Take my son… getting him back…
Those phrases remained in his mind and made Wally frown. That’s not how he remembered that. His aunt hadn’t taken him, she’d accepted him. He’d remembered that night for the past four years with full detail; how his father had talked about adoption, how his aunt had come yelling, how his father had practically thrown him away, and how he hadn’t done anything to stop him when he and his uncle went packing his things.
How his mother had gone up, locked herself and not said anything to anyone all day.
How his father had stayed with his arms crossed with his back turned on him as he left. Not moving. Not saying anything as Wally felt like his whole body was being broken into pieces and then shredded all over the house.
His aunt obviously remembered the same night, because she stood looking down at his father. “I didn’t took him from you. You abandoned him. Because you couldn’t face the fact that your son’s gay. And then you come here and you look at him like he’s somehow sick. He’s not. He’s a wonderful kid who deserves to be with someone that loves him and supports him. He’s gay, and if you can’t deal with it, then you should leave.” Aunt I was standing up to his father with a strong even voice that was absolutely cold and unforgiving.
For the third, maybe fourth time in his life, Wally could see why Hal kept saying that his aunt was the second scariest woman in the world.
His father stood up to face his aunt and stared back “He doesn’t have to be… a-- that. He can-”
“Oh, my God. You can’t even say the word, can you?” Aunt I said huffing hard at his father “Gay, you bigoted fool! He’s Gay. And now you wanna take him away into a place where they can convince him that he’s sick, too. That somehow because he’s attracted to men, he’s flawed. Well, fuck you Rudy. I’m not letting Wally go through that.” Wally smiled softly at her aunt, who was looking so strong and caring defending him, he could see in her posture, trying to put herself between Wally and his father. She was right. He didn’t needed to get himself through this. He was in a good place. Even… even without his father and his mother, he…
‘Disgusting. Wrong.’
His father looked dumbfounded at his Aunt. “I’m sorry?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
“You heard me” his aunt said crossing her arms.
“You’re not letting him? Who the fuck are you, to let or not let my son do anything?” His father said carefully stressing the words and Wally swallowed thickly, he didn’t wanted to see his father and his aunt fighting. Again. But he couldn’t move, he was frozen, looking at the two of them like he was observing a scene from a movie, with a sense of fascination that overwhelmed him, unable to think about anything other than the fact that two of his four parental figures looked ready to take the fight to fists.
His aunt moved forward “I’m his Aunt, and a far more responsible paternal figure than you” she finished poking his father on the chest.
“Hah. Responsible?” his father questioned swatting her hand away “You let him go out dressed like a freak to fight monsters and aliens along some teenagers in a secret black-ops group” he accused pointing at Wally. He swallowed thickly, that… wasn’t exactly false… Wally subconsciously messed with the ring that stored his KF uniform, the one he’d been wearing a couple minutes back, while he ran as a scout in Batman’s latest undercover mission. Wally was considering whether he should go with the ‘official’ lie to try and disable his father’s argument, however, before he was able to say anything, his father doubled down on his insult. “What you are is a criminal, Iris. That’s fucking child endangerment.”
Wally stood up behind his father and moved to get between them, but again he was cut, this time by his Uncle who’d flashed to stand between his father and his aunt, facing his father and putting a hand on his chest. “Hey!” he said looking one wrong word away to being angry. “Do not talk to Iris like that,” his father held the gaze for half a second but huffed and backed down rolling his shoulders, probably trying to let some of the anger go… and maybe just shrugging it off. His uncle seemed placated and then looked at him and added “And Wally’s not a freak, nor is he a part of a secret black-ops anything. He’s part of a Justice League trainee program. He’s a hero.”
Wally felt the need to scuff at that.
Sure, trainee program. That was the ‘official’ title of the team. After all, people were bound to notice that the sidekicks were acting as a group so the JL had decided to create the front of the trainee program. But his father was infinitely closer to the truth. They were a black-ops team, they operated under Batman. And if they weren’t a group of aliens/metahumans/exceptionally trained people, his idea of child engenderment wouldn’t be too off.
He’d talked about this with Roy and Dick very often on their early years, especially after learning Dick had been NINE when he’d started.
Nine.
The fuck was Batman thinking?
But, he’d moved from that. Accepted he was acting on the morally compromised side of the argument and started building on the benefits of having such a team… program.
Sure, the JL were endangering kids. But the kids were fully willing, fully trained, and the results far outweighed the dangers.
Still, he managed to suppress the scuff. His father didn’t.
“No Allen. You are a hero. You’ve got training, you went to the Police Academy, you have firearm and combat training. You finished grad school in chemistry and are a CSI. You are an adult. You can make choices. If you wanna dress up in firefighter tights and run around fighting crazy people, great for you, Hero. You can do that and no one’s liable but you. But, Wally’s my kid. And that’s all he is. A kid. He’s not even 18, and has been doing this for years. For all I know, all those hits are what made him a queer.”
Wally did scoff at that. That’s not how sexuality works. His father was so on point up until that last sentence, Wally might even get on his side, but then he had to go and bring the stupid weight on his chest back in with that final sentence. His uncle didn’t seemed to know how to respond, other than to bristle at the end. All of them stood there looking at each other not saying anything and Wally felt the pressure on the air shifting and becoming more pervasive by the second.
His Uncle was looking everywhere but at him, and Wally could see that his father’s words had gotten to him, his Aunt was throwing daggers at his father, and he was just sending barely repressed glares at her. Then, half a second later his father sighed and turned to him. “Oh, forget this. You’re going with me to this camp, aren’t you Wallace?” he asked, bringing them back to topic.
One Wally had expected they’d forgotten. “I… Dad…” He stammered looking at him.
Was he?
On one hand, he really wanted to work things out with them. To be a family again. And this camp could be the proverbial silver platter.
On the other hand, he wasn’t sick. He didn’t wanted to go to a camp where they’ll use pseudoscience to tell him how sick and wrong he was. Not when just a couple months ago all his friends had accepted him, and he’d started to actually feel comfortable with how he felt.
His father took his silence as a rejection and moved closer, but his aunt moved to block him, he glared at her for a second, but still talked to him and ignored her. “Please kid. Your mom and I wanna fix this. Just let’s give this a shot.”
Wally looked at him. He was being honest. He really wanted this… how can he say no to his father? Shouldn’t he… try to be better… he…
It was obvious he’d disappointed him-them, when he’d been found in that room, with that boy. His father had been devastated and angry… And then…
Then he was giving him a chance. Another chance to win his family back.
A chance to be the kid they wanted him to be…
Normal…
He… Maybe he wasn’t sick, but he could be normal, couldn’t he? He could try… for his father… for his family. “Can I think about this? Like overnight.”
“Come on, Walls, you don’t have to do this” his aunt said with a soft voice and looking at him… pitying him. Disappointed in me.
His father ignored his aunt again and beamed at him “Of course you can, kiddo. Camp starts in two weeks and Father Willis can hold us a spot until the last day. Just take your time. Here,” he took out a brochure from his suit’s jacket “Look it up, you’ll see it’s really nice up there, in the mountains. You can even jog there and ask for a tour, just say my name and they’ll know who you are” sure, a tour… Lovely. He swallowed the knot again and took the brochure and nodded “Ok, Dad. I’ll… I’ll think about it.”
His father smiled at him and he looked ready to move, it took a second for Wally to notice what he wanted to do, and before he was ready, his father moved past his Aunt and grabbed him by the shoulder. Half a second later his face was being pressed against his father’s shoulder as he gave him a strong hug. “You’re going to make your Mom so happy, kid” he whispered to his ear and Wally couldn’t help but lean a little into the hug, not trusting himself to return it, else he might never let his dad go.
They stayed like this a couple seconds and Wally had to open his eyes when he felt him move, not realizing he’d closed them when he leaned into the hug. He moved back and smiled at his father. He then left with only a curt nod to his aunt and uncle.
After he left, Wally felt the air in the house change. His aunt stomped back to the couch and groaned loudly. “Ugh. I cannot believe him!” she exploded and Wally turned and looked at her. She looked at him “Wally” his aunt motioned him to move closer and he sat on the couch next to her, as his uncle went to clean the dishes making himself scarce. “Walls, you don’t have to listen to him, ok?” she said putting her hands on his knees.
“But, I kind of do, Aunt I” he answered looking at her and then moving to gaze the brochure, not really looking at it “I mean, he’s my dad… he… They’re my parents. I…” I should at least consider it, shouldn’t I?
“Kid, there’s nothing wrong with being who you are. You don’t have to submit yourself to this kind of thing for them” She said and Wally looked at her… maybe she was right? Maybe….
But then again… this… this could give him his parents back. “But…” he decided to ask her “What if they’re right? What if I can… be normal? Shouldn’t… Shouldn’t I give it a try?”
“And do what, kid?” She countered immediately “Treat yourself like there’s something wrong with you? There isn’t. To try and cure yourself? You’re not sick. To give yourself a spiritual guidance into heterosexuality? There’s no such thing. And for what?”
“For my parents” he answered without a second thought “For… To gain their trust. To… be with them. To… To be loved by them. Don’t I deserve that?” He asked her, feeling the tears pool on his eyes, and he was surprised when his aunt took a sharp breath surprised.
“Oh, Kid” she replied and threw herself at him giving him a strong hug and started whispering in his ear “Don’t ever say that again. You hear me? They do love you. I don’t doubt that. And don’t you ever, ever doubt it either”
She moved away and looked at him straight to the eye and Wally felt a knot in his throat tighten as she kept talking “The day you were born was Rudy’s happiest day of his life, I remember it, the way he looked at you. The way he still does. So does Mary. They love you with all their hearts. But they need to accept the ‘you’ that you are; not the ‘you’ that they want you to be.”
He scoffed at that part.
Yeah, sure. Lovingly abandoning me.
And even if they do love me… what if this helps with that? What if going here helps those two ‘me’ to be the same? What if by going here, doing this therapy, I can become who they want me to be? What if I’m happier like that?
Wally, however didn’t said any of that, instead he sighed tiredly and looked back at her.
“I… I need to lie down” he said and she let him go after a second hug. His uncle came back as he was leaving and just gave him a strong squeeze on the shoulder. I’m here. He smiled at him and moved up to his room, he dropped the brochure on his desk and threw himself on the bed.
-_-_-_-_-
The beeping of his cellphone woke him up with a start. He’d fallen asleep somewhere on the fifth loop of “I can’t do this / I have to do this”. Wally looked a little disoriented at his room and then moved to grab his phone, to read what, probably, was a text from his friends. He unlocked the screen and froze.
He, indeed, had several unread messages, but that wasn’t what made him stare at his phone. No, what made him froze and stare was his screensaver. The screensaver he’d changed just last week. A selfie, of him standing atop of Mount Justice, with the sea behind him and Dick Grayson, without shades, perched on his arm grinning brightly to the phone.
His boyfriend.
Boy-friend.
As in the guy he’s been in a gay relationship with for the past two months. 52 days, really.
Not that he’s counting or anything. That’d be cheesy.
A gay relationship that would have to end if he goes through with his father’s idea. Wally felt a cold shiver down his spine when he thought about it. And then, he felt a horrible bile move up his throat.
Was he an asshole for not thinking about Dick until now?
He might be. Dick was his boyfriend. He’d even though how Dick was the most important thing to happen to him since he’d spoken to his father, but once he started thinking about that camp, Dick had completely slipped his mind.
He’d…
He’d focused solely on whether he could be normal.
He hadn’t realized being normal, meant leaving Dick. That thought brought the bile back full force and Wally had to sit on the bed.
Leaving Dick.
God, after years of pinning after him, of wishing to be with him, of dreaming and stealing glances. After so much, he was finally with Dick.
And now… Now he was just supposed to leave him? For what?
What had his aunt said? ‘a spiritual guidance into heterosexuality’ Was there really such a thing? Could… could he really? But then again… his family was asking this of him. A chance.
He could always go there, try and get his family to approve of him. To make them realize he was happy as he was and then maybe… maybe, they’ll change. Maybe they’ll be there for him and try to open their minds for him and allow him to be happy with Dick and with them.
It… It was a dream, a nice possibility that might happen, but he shouldn’t realistically hold too much hope for that.
He looked at the notifications.
My Circus Boy (5 new messages)
Hey hot stuff, U home, yet? – 2:15 p.m.
Hey, Alfie wants to know if U can come on Friday.- 3:26 p.m.
Says he’ll make you that tandoori chck’n he’d promised - 3:26 p.m
Walls… U there? – 15m ago
?? – 1m ago
My Circus Boy (Missed call) - 5:22 p.m.
Wally looked at the clock and saw Dick had called five minutes ago.
After 3 hours of radio-silence.
He swallowed and opened the chat app. ‘Hey Babe. Sry, was zzz.’ He wrote without thinking too much about it, mostly to calm his boyfriend before he started actively looking for him. He gave himself a second to think about Dick’s messages. Agent A had promised to invite him to come over and have some Tandoori after he’d learnt it was one of Wally’s favorites. He’d promised to try some traditional recipe and get back to him. Apparently, it only took Agent A a week and a half to master a new recipe. It didn’t took too much brainpower to come to the conclusion he was probably going to cancel it. Excuse himself with anything and try to push it back a couple days to give himself some time to organize his thoughts.
He shouldn’t try to go to see Dick without having some semblance of order in his mind about what to do, and he felt an irrational fear when he thought of telling Dick about it. No way, that was ending well. Still, his thumbs froze over the phone as he was about to type when the ‘My Circus B… is typing’ message appeared on his screen. Half a second later his phone vibrated ‘Hi’ followed by three heart emojis. And then half a second later ‘np. Alfie’s still waiting on an answer though.’
‘Ik, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it.’ He wrote and then added a simple lie. ‘Uncle B wants to spend some quality time or smth.’ It was a reasonable enough excuse and not entirely a lie, just three days ago, his uncle was planning a big weekend lunch since JL and Team missions had been taking a lot of time the past few weeks.
Crazies usually went extra nuts in and around Halloween, and that had been just two weeks ago. Thankfully, Thanksgivings were normally calmed in Central.
Wally decided to add a couple sad emojis at the end to finish the excuse and waited. Not two seconds later Dick replied with the same sad images and ‘I’ll tell him. We’ll figure another date.’
Wally wondered if he should try to end the conversation or if he could just leave it there, but Dick’s next message actually cut him of his exit ‘So… tell me smth.’
‘like?’ He really didn’t felt like talking but Dick always managed to draw him into a conversation whenever he wanted to, even if he was being uncharacteristically quiet.
‘idk, anything. How was your nap?’
He send a couple of raised eyebrow emojis and a quick reply ‘rlly? My nap?’ while a soft smile adorned his face. Dick was probably tired or bored and he wanted to talk about anything with him, probably he was in a gala or something like that where a phone call could be inappropriate, but he could get a pass with texting. His next text all but confirmed Wally’s suspicions ‘Come on, babe. I’m bored. Entertain me’ Followed by a couple clown emojis.
Wally couldn’t keep the giggle that escaped his lips nor his thumbs from moving over the touch screen telling Dick about his next Chemistry assignment. He was making nitrocellulose bombs with cotton, nitric acid and sulfuric acid. The demonstration was supposed to be followed by an exposition on the history of explosives and the chemical reactions behind the early explosive.
He went in full detail about how to cook it and the tests he’d been making at St. Francois. As well as the fact that apparently Speed Force and acids do not mix well. Something he learnt by having a bottle of Sulfuric acid explode on him while he was running, it was only his speed that allowed him to be 150 yards away from the flask once he noticed the temperature was rising. Dick was understandably worried and Wally had to spend the next 25 minutes writing and then talking to him when he called, in order to calm him down (‘Of course, I’m fine babe, you just saw me three hours ago’) and then listen to the rant (‘Aren’t you supposed to be, like, the chemistry genius around here?’) and finally to promise he was never going to run with glass flasks of acid ever again (‘I’m not stupid, babe. Lesson learnt, I promise. I even repurposed the suit’s pockets to safely carry the flasks.’).
They soon moved to different topics, from the latest team mission, to the idea of having Tula and Garth joining the Team, there was also a new protégé form Wonder Woman, a girl named Donna who might actually join.
As in, they might have a real life Amazonian the Team.
That was fucking awesome. Absolutely terrifying… true, but awesome.
By the time they hung up, the clock on his bedside table was marking 6:44 and Wally felt relaxed and happy laying there in bed with the phone in his hand, looking at Dick’s goodbye message. He blew a kiss to the contact photo as he sent a couple heart emojis and stood up ready to go down for some snack before dinner.
As he moved through the door, Wally’s eyes travelled down the room and zoomed to his desk and Wally felt the knot in his chest return. The brochure for the ‘reassessment camp’ he’d left forgotten as he came to the room was teasing him, forcing him to swallow the knot back down. Wally moved almost in auto-pilot to grab the document as his mind quickly recounted his conversation with his father.
‘It’s a camp they run, for people with your problem’
‘A reassessment program, based on scientific studies and spiritual guidance.’
‘We could spend a couple weeks together before Christmas, as a family.’
‘Really nice up there, in the mountains.’
That last part might actually be true. The front of the brochure was covered by the picture of a big old wooden ranch in a secluded clearing surrounded by large oak trees and some background lake or something. In the middle of the document there were two texts in sharp bold letters.
A ROAD TO SELF-DISCOVERY
A two-week family program for young men who feel conflicted about same sex attraction and want a family-friendly, open and safe space to reassess themselves.
He huffed at it and moved to open the folded document to look at it inside. It both was and wasn’t what he expected.
For one thing, it was way more direct and clearly written than he’d expected. He was expecting a lot of euphemisms and walk-arounds trying to avoid words like homosexuality, gay or same sex attraction. Instead, the first thing he found when he opened the document was two paragraphs talking about same sex relationships by its name and describing it as a “life choice”.
Then two paragraphs on how they could change that choice and “rediscover a full life and reassess their masculinity”. What that meant… he wasn’t entirely certain. They probably meant stuff like be more aggressive, more silently brooding and more you know, Marlboro Man-like.
More stereotypically male.
The next paragraphs went on to explain how this program, while tailored for young man, wasn’t aimed at children. There was a strict above-age-of-consent rule on this program.
There was also a lot of information about how they were not a therapy, not a clinic and not a health service provider, despite being run by a psychologist. They said it so many times Wally was beginning to think they must be exploiting some legal loophole that required them to say that. Probably some tax incentive. That, or they’re avoiding some regulations.
Neither option was comforting, really.
He turned on the back of the Brochure and it said what they did. A bunch of nice words that actually sounded like things a psychologist would try to use like Guided Meditation, Shame Release, Role Adaptation, Controlled Confrontation, or Inner-Affirmation. It also said that all activities were conducted both individually with volunteers, and then also in group.
It sounded like a lot of talking and counselling and a bunch of people trying one way or another to get into your head that you´re sick, but its ok, because family’s here.
Wally sighed and dropped the document on the desk again.
Why was he even considering this?
Bullshit, each and every word on that paper.
They say it’s not therapy, but use therapy-like treatments.
They say they want to reassess his masculinity. Well, his masculinity’s fine, thank you very much.
So he’s not this macho man, but he’s smart and kind, and funny and he likes that about him.
He enjoys going a couple round on the mat against Kaldur and Conner fist to fist, and at the same time he likes to sit and watch rom-coms with Arty.
He loves pulling pranks on every one of them and listen to Megan tell him stories while she cooks.
He likes to run and feel the wind in his… well actually he likes the feeling of wind everywhere, and he loves the feeling of lightning on his cells.
He enjoys the verbal banter with the Flash’s Rogues and while he dislikes being injured, he would break every bone in his body if it meant saving one more person.
He was Wally West, and he was a man.
So what if he also happened to like to do all those things and also likes Dick.
Pun very much intended.
If that wasn’t enough to be masculine, well then fuck their masculinity.
‘Why am I even considering this?’
…
‘You’re going to make your Mom so happy, kid.’
-_-_-_-_-
“I’m s-, they want what?” Dick asked dumbfounded his ears ringing from Wally talking to him, because… he couldn’t be talking seriously, could he…?
…
And Dick’s day was going so well until now.
It was a top day, to close a top week in what had been one of the best Novembers in recent history.
He was acing his sophomore year. He’d pulled the rug under Scarecrow’s latest fear gas production before even Batman came to the scene. He’d scored his highest ever battle simulation. And he’d run his thirteenth successful mission as in-field leader.
And the cherry on the cake. Wallace Rudolph West, the Kid Flash, fastest teen alive, had agreed to date him. And they were getting to the two-month mark, in just 8 days.
Not that he’s counting.
And they had been some amazing two months. Dick wasn’t about to wax some poetry about how Wally’s eyes were… they were…
Blank.
Really?
Anywho… the point is that even if they weren’t exactly romantic, they were perfect for each other. Perfect.
As in, the Gods sculpt them to fit the other, perfect.
Wally made Dick laugh in a world where all he saw was darkness, sadness, loneliness and pain. And Dick made Wally relax in a world that moved in nanoseconds. For two people known for being quick-witted and talkative, they made silence comfortable for the other. They pranked, and trained, and talked and kissed.
God, the kisses.
He could definitely write some poems about Wally’s kisses. They felt… so- so…
Seriously?
Blank, again?
What-ever. They’re good. Period.
And that’s the problem.
Because Wally was good to Dick. And Dick was good to Wally. Or at least Dick had been operating under the presumption that he was, considering the whole kissing and being together all the time thing they had going on, until, like, two minutes ago, when Wally barged into his room, demanded to speak and decided to lead with…
“A conversion camp.” Wally said looking at him, with his legs crossed in front of Dick, both currently sitting on his bed. “They want me to try to put this behind me. To try as a family.” Dick had to reset his train of thought a couple times, because he was just not getting the message quite across.
So, Wally’s dad had gone to Wally’s home a couple days back. Which, MAJOR news, BTW.
He’d gone to try and talk to Wally about forgiveness or whatever. And his way of doing so is…
“To try to make you… not-gay” he finished out loud to try and get the concept right. Not gay. Ex-gay, if Dick remembers correctly. “Walls, those places… They’re…”
A conversion camp.
He shuddered to think of that. Half a year ago, Bats broke into one of those places in Gotham that was operating as a front for a prostitution ring. Child prostitution. Bats had taken that one solo, as he did all cases that involved children being abused or that he deemed too gory for Robin.
Which by itself should give an idea of how this place operated.
They got the children under the false idea that they could ‘correct them’, and instead sold them as male-whores for wealthy ladies after pumping them full of sex-enhancing drugs. Turns out some parents had been told about this by their children and they believed it was part of the sex-therapy they were paying for… Dick felt a cold shiver down his spine thinking about someone trying to do something like this to their kid, only to remember why he was thinking about this.
Logic dictated not every place was like that and Dick wanted to think that most people weren’t trying to create child prostitution rings with gay kids. Most people might even believe in…
But still…
“I thought they had banned those places.” Dick murmured weakly, he remembered the passing of the law, shortly after the case was brought to the public.
“Not in Missouri.” Wally replied with a shrug “There, people… frown upon them, I guess? Some people… I don’t really know.” Wally fished a folded paper from his wallet and handed it to Dick. It was a flyer from this place. A beautiful fucking cabin. Typical stock photo of a cabin in the woods.
Half the fucking horror movies start with a flyer like this.
“This is the place. It’s a two week not-a-therapy therapy program that families go to work out… I don’t know. How to be normal, I guess?” And Dick wished he wasn’t trained by the World’s Greatest Detective, because he was picking a lot of information he wished he was ignorant about, like the fact that Wally had obviously gone to this place, and the fact that his verb choices and voice inflections showed a clear intent.
And the fact that his eyes keep darting towards the flyer wishfully.
He wants to go.
He fucking wants to go, and he didn’t came here to decide… He’s coming here to inform me.
“You’re thinking about this!” Dick half asked half stated looking at Wally who shrugged in the most obvious way possible.
“I mean… yes?” Dick felt a knife going down his heart at hearing that, but also a small fire settled on his veins.
“Come on, babe!” he screamed standing up, not being able to deal with stillness anymore, he started walking around the room looking at the stupid flyer that promised a path out of homosexuality.
Yeah, right.
“It’s my dad, D. He came, after four years. He came and he asked me to try something. Shouldn’t I at least… I don’t know. Try?” Wally said, and Dick felt like kicking Rudolph West’s ass.
Maybe Roy’s plan had had some merit after all.
How the fuck does he dare to come up with such a plan and try to emotionally coerce Wally into this? Fuck your dad, he can’t ask this of you.
He bit his tongue and huffed “To try… to be normal” he completed. God, I hate that word.
“I know you hate that word, D” Wally said calmly and Dick felt even worst by the fact that Wally knew him so well. Wally was looking at him pleadingly, although what he wanted was beyond Dick. He could see how distressed his boyfriend was over this, and had it been any other thing Wally’s father had asked of him, anything else, Dick would be helping him, but right now, all he could feel a dark fire burn in him. “But yeah, I… It’s my dad, my folks. They wanna try this as a family. I can’t exactly turn them away without trying.”
Dick huffed and turned. “Yeah, you can. This is about you, Walls. About who you are.”
“Don’t you think I don’t get that?” Wally turned and faced him “But… They want me to, D. It would meant the world to them. And I went there; it’s a nice place, and the rules are clear it’s a self-regulated thing, I can leave any time I want. I… I just have to try. Maybe if they see me making an effort. A true effort, they’ll realize- Maybe if we talk and they see, that I’m not just… Maybe… I mean, what do I have to lose?”
What…
Dick felt himself grew hotter by the second. He’s joking, right?
‘What do I have to lose?’
What about everything? Huh?
What about him? His own fucking mental health?
What about… “Me?” he asked looking hurt at Wally. Wally whispered something that sounded a lot like Babe. But Dick wasn’t having any of it.
“Well, it’s what you’ll lose.” Dick said not thinking about his words, only feeling the hurt and the dark fire burning inside of him. “I mean, you’ll also lose a very important part of yourself, but, you know, that’s just interchangeable, right? Gay, Lesbian, Straight… That’s just shit, right? You’ll go there, they’ll flip a switch and bam. You’re normal. That’s all you’ve always wanted, right? Fuck me, fuck yourself. As long as you’re normal. You don’t really give a shit. I don’t mean shit to you. We. Us. That’s just a deviation” He ranted looking directly at Wally.
“D…” Wally tried to start, but Dick huffed and stopped him, unable to reign in his mouth. “No, Walls, that’s what I’m getting from this. Worthless shit this whole thing we had, if you can just pocket it and go pretend to be straight for your stupid parents.” Dick closed his eyes at that and sighed.
Fuck.
He hadn’t meant to go there. He hadn’t meant to insult his boyfriend’s parents. Even if they totally deserved it.
He… the feeling in his chest was burning through his body and Dick only wanted Wally to break that stupid document and tell him he was joking or that he didn’t wanted to go. That… That he didn’t wanted to go through with this, because he meant more to him than this stupid idea. That Wally wanted to be with him. Not going through this bullshit of an idea.
‘What do I have to lose?’
Wally only whimpered and looked at him hurt. Yep, that was definitively too far.
Dick moved closer to put a hand on Wally’s shoulder and looked at him trying to keep his voice leveled, trying to reign in the fear and anger he was feeling.
“Sorry… I’m sorry babe…” He moved his hand to Wally’s arm and looked him directly to the eyes. The beautiful, wonderful green eyes he was not losing today. “Look. I… I think I understand what you’re going through, Walls, but…”
“No Dick, you don’t.” Dick closed his mouth and looked at Wally who’d just looked sadly at him, and Dick confirmed he’d gone too far. He moved to try and comfort him, but Wally stood up and now he was the one sitting on the bed this time, watching Wally go up and down the room “You don’t know what it’s like to have parents that hate you, to disappoint them to the point they don’t even wanna raise you, don’t wanna see you.” Wally was at the brink of tears right now and Dick felt his heart shrink at the sight of it.
Wally shook his head and composed his voice before continuing.
“It’s really hard, D. And you’ve seen how it messed with me… To lose them. And now they want a chance. I- I owe them that. I owe my parents to try. You don’t know what it means to me that they reached out… and… I have to do this for them. I don’t wanna keep acting like my parents are dead to me. At least your parents are really dead, but mine aren’t and it kills me that-” Wally kept saying something but Dick didn’t heard a word he was saying. He just sat there in a weightless mindless vacuum.
He…
Wally hadn’t just…
The fire reignited within him and before he had a chance to think about it his hand was flying up connecting on Wally’s face effectively shutting him up.
‘At least your parents are really dead’
The images of his dad and his mom falling from the trapeze appeared clear on his head. At… Least? The fire raged on and he looked at Wally’s stupid face making a weird shape, like he was confused. He didn’t even realize…
Well, fuck him.
He had no right.
Wally might be his boyfriend, he might be his best friend. He might be the most important person in Dick’s life, but…
At Least…
What kind on an asshole wishes for his boyfriend’s parents to be dead?
No…
I’m not a boyfriend, I’m a fucking obstacle in his way to be normal.
Dick felt the fury envelop him and it took a considerable amount of restrain not to turn his hand and slap that stupid hurt face out of Wally’s face, because he looked lost and stupid right now, like he was the one to be offended. And Dick wanted to hit him, he wanted to…
At Least…
Fuck you…
Realization must have dawned on Wally because his eyes opened up and his hand flew to his stupid mouth realizing the lack of mouth-brain filter “Oh my G-” he tried to sound ashamed, or maybe he was, Dick didn’t knew, but right now, the sound of Wally’s voice got under Dick’s skin, like an electric current slithering between skin and muscle and it made Dick shiver in disgust.
‘At least, they’re dead.’
‘What do I have to lose?’
And suddenly Dick realized he didn’t wanted to keep listening to this.
If Wally wanted to please his fucking parents and pretend to be normal, he could just fucking do it. He hadn’t come here to talk, he’d come here to inform him. He’d come to him with a decision. To tell him he was a fucking obstacle. That he didn’t mattered. That they hadn’t mattered.
That he should be fucking happy his mom and dad were dead.
Dick didn’t had to listen to him.
He didn’t needed this. He…
“Get out” he growled. His mouth was dry and his tongue felt like sandpaper inside of it, make it really difficult to talk, and those two words left a sour taste in his mouth.
“Dick, I… I didn’t meant it like...” Wally’s voice ricocheted in his mind ‘What do I have to lose?’
“Get out, Wally.” Dick growled as he started to grow frustrated when the redheaded man just stood there, stupidly looking at him.
What the fuck does he wants from me? Isn’t he trying to break up? Well, good fucking job.
“D…” Dick put his hands up and started pushing Wally out, not finding any resistance in his boyfriend’s body “Get. The. Fuck. Out” he yelled punctuating his words with pushes until he was by the door. Wally kept saying his name and asking him to… something, all Dick was hearing were the screams of their parents, and the silence of the circus tent, and the horrible snap of those cords as they broke. ‘At least, they’re dead.’
“D…” Wally tried to say something else, and Dick had enough of that slithering voice getting under him.
“No” he said strongly, heeling his voice grew hoarse due to his dry mouth. “Fuck you, Wally. I don’t care what you have to say. I don’t give a shit what you’re going through. That… That was…” Horrible.
Distasteful.
A fucking assholish move.
A knife to my chest. A low blow, something I’ll expect from Joker or Fucking Two-face, not from my boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend…
“Leave” he said drained and tired.
“Please, I need...”
“Leave! Get the fuck out of here!” Dick had enough. He didn’t care what Wally needed, he didn’t care what he wanted. But, once he started to yell he couldn’t stop. “I don’t want to see your stupid face! Isn’t this what you wanted?! Well, just LEAVE ME. THE FUCK. ALONE!” Dick let himself see the tears on Wally’s face before the air around him changed and Wally wasn’t there anymore, but Dick felt the burning in his chest tightened so he kept yelling at the empty space “YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU FUCKING STUPID ASSHOLE!!” he said feeling his own eyes burning. He grabbed the door and slammed it hard before turning around and walking to the bed, just barely stopping himself from dropping into the bed to bury his head in the pillows.
It might be stupid, but he didn’t wanted to go all movie break-up.
He refused to.
He wasn’t breaking, even with how his heart was burning. Fuck Wally.
‘At least, they’re dead.’
Fuck him.
Fuck everything about him.
Dick moved to kick the chair and felt a little adrenaline releasing from him. He kicked the bedpost and the burning in him increased. So he turned around and started kicking and punching everything around him, feeling the hot metallic burning in his muscles increase and subside the fire within him.
Fuck him.
How does he dare speaking of his dad? ‘At least, he’s dead.’
How does he dare speak of his mom? ‘At least, she’s dead.’
How the fuck does he dare wish them dead? ‘At least, they’re dead.’
How the fuck does he dare leave him? ‘What do I have to lose?’
Dick stopped when that thought crossed his mind and looked around him, and saw the state of his room. Only the bed was still standing, the rest of his room was a mess of broken and fallen things. He turned around feeling guilty and frustrated and the feeling only increased when he looked at the door.
“…the fuck do you want?” he said with a sore throat. Bruce looked around and walked into the room, closing the door behind him.
“What happened?” His voice was guarded, and Dick felt the concern laced in the deep intonation of that voice. He didn’t care. He was too tired and too angry… and too broken to really focus on that. And Bruce was a good outing for that anger. “Fuck off, Bruce. I can’t deal with you right now.”
Bruce simply hummed in a non-committal sound and walked in. Dick huffed and moved away from him, only to notice the suit.
One of Bruce’s business suits.
He was wearing that suit for his meeting with the Board members.
The meeting that was supposed to last the whole day.
Dick felt his anger be replaced by humiliation. The whole Board of Directors of WE had just heard him having a shouting match with his boyfriend. No wonder Bruce was here. Dick’d probably humiliated him, not being the perfect little ward. Well, fuck them too “Don’t you have guests to entertain?” he asked him without looking at him.
He caught Bruce’s shaking his head as he said “They left.” I told them to leave.
Dick felt bile raise in his throat and shame fill his mind. “Sorry” he murmured, although he didn’t felt sorry at all. His boyfriend had just came to tell him…
Dick didn’t even wanted to think what Wally wanted…
“It’s okay. Everyone’s allowed a good shouting every once in a while” Bruce’s voice cut through his thoughts and Dick just shrugged as he moved to fix his room, standing there with Bruce his adrenaline was receding and he just felt tired, the anger and frustration leaving his body.
He picked a couple things to put them on his bed when a hand appeared on his shoulder, he turned around ready to swat that hand away, only to be trapped in a hug. His whole body froze suddenly embraced by Bruce, but the warmth of the hard muscle and rough musk enveloped him so fully Dick felt like a nine year old who’d suddenly lost his whole world and only that strong embrace and firm grasp were keeping him anchored to reality.
The sound that came out of his throat could be considered a whimper, but it was so deep and hurt that it appeared like a wounded howl to his ears. The tears that had been stubbornly capsuled behind his eyelids started to fall freely through his cheeks and Dick barely thought how unfair it was that it was Bruce, the same man he had been thinking about emancipating from because he was emotionally stunted, was the one able to break him with just a gesture.
“It’s gonna be ok, Dick” Bruce’s voice came through the torrent of emotions and the sound of his own throat struggling from air. Dick tried to huff and chuckle darkly at the same time, but again, what came from his throat was something entirely different. “You don’t even know what happened.”
Bruce’s hug tightened and he continued to whisper against his ear “I know you. I know how strong you are. You’ve made Robin into a hero worthy of Gotham. Whatever this is, you’ll get over it and stand stronger.”
Dick actually huffed at the clichéd sentence, even though the words filled him with warmth and Dick calmed himself enough to stand alone, away from Bruce. He took a step back giving Dick some personal space.
“I… Thanks, Bruce” he said after a second. Bruce looked around the room, probably looking for anything that might bury the fact that he let himself be emotional for, like a second. “Don’t let Alfred look at this. He might actually scream at you.” Dick huffed. Yeah. Right….
-_-_-_-
The beeping to his cellphone woke him up. He’d fallen asleep after fixing up most the room. He looked a little disoriented at his room and then moved to grab his phone with dread. He unlocked the screen and froze.
He looked at the two texts and felt his heart break and the world suddenly felt heavy around him. Dick closed his eyes to prevent the tears from coming freely down his cheeks.
It was just six words, but they felt like the longest, most painful message he’d ever read.
Just six words.
Wally (2)
I have to do this. - Today at 9:39 pm
Sorry - Today at 9:39 pm