Chapter Text
Life is a fickle thing, it begins within a single second were life and death coincide for a moment together, neither fully alive or fully lost to the tides. At this moment life and death both happen, diverging where one life begins and another ends. But within this moment, suspended in time, there is nothing and everything at the same time. Despite all of this life is fragile, struggling to survive within the harsh constraints it’s given, but born within the ashes of death, life will always find a way.
One of the oddest sensations Jesse has ever had, sober or intoxicated, is to look over the edge of the abyss and wonder what is down there. To wonder what would happen in that fleeting moment of suspension. Would anything really happen, or would there be pure emptiness waiting for him at the bottom? Would life have any meeting at that moment, or would it be meaningless? Would anyone remember Jesse McCree, or miss the life that was lost, or would he just be another nameless face lost to the tides, forgotten. A single misstep is all it would take to find out.
Despair tears at his mind like a rabid dog.
A loud roaring noise drowned out any other sounds within the surrounding area, blocking out the drunken thoughts bouncing around within his head. Whether the sound was from the ocean’s waves hitting the rocks below or the booze making everything fuzzy and distorted, the answer wasn’t really clear, it could be one or the other, hell it could be both. He wouldn’t be surprised either way.
Loneliness becomes unbearable at the end of the day.
With each shaky step towards the cliffside the world seemed to fade away, leaving only a calm numbness in its wake. The ocean looked so peaceful, calm even at that moment with the moon casting a soft glow on the water’s surface, despite the choppy waves hitting the rock face below. Something wet touched his skin, an unshed tear finally falling or the first raindrop from the oncoming storm? It didn’t matter which one it was in the end. But the question plagued him, why the hell would he be crying? He had finally found the courage at the bottom of a bottle, in a moment the weight of the world would no longer rest on his shoulders like a ten-ton brick. No longer would he have to deal with the grief and depression that made each and every day feel like a goddamn chore, causing him to drag his feet just to get through the day without breaking down. He wouldn’t have to deal with those bad thoughts spiraling out of control that even his good old friend bourbon couldn’t drown out. His hands would finally be wiped clean of all the blood staining his skin, brought on by bad decisions and the cruelty of the world.
He couldn’t understand the tears, he was happy , he was going to be free .
….right?
Desperation drives even the best people to do the unthinkable.
A single step and the jarring sensation of emptiness was all it took before his body plummeted towards the inky dark water below like a sack of bricks. The wind pulled at his hair, tugging his signature hat off, taking it somewhere else. A cold chill brought on by the sea bit at his skin, seeping through even the various layers of his clothing, even the well-loved red serape didn’t protect him from the icy sea spray. The abyss below seemed to open up like the jaws of a predator, ready to swallow him whole the closer he fell to it, eager to snuff out every last trace of life within him. Both a threat and a promise.
Finally reaching the ocean's surface the impact of his body hitting the water was hard enough to knock the breath out of him. The shock of hitting the water mixed with the freezing temperature paralyzing him, sobering him up within seconds of the sensation. The fear of the unknown was quick to make an appearance, overtaking the eerie calmness from moments ago. Every bad horror movie depicting hungry, murderous creatures that lurked far below the sea’s surface came to mind. Yet despite all of this, the world still looked beautiful in its own way. Above him, the moon still shone brightly, even as dark clouds surrounded it, a good indicator of the oncoming storm.
Quickly the moonlight overhead began to fade, growing increasingly dim as he sunk further down into the abyss. His body started to fight for air as he ran out of oxygen, ice cold water filling his lungs, suffocating him, drowning him as the cold sapped away at the remaining strength he had. It reminded him of another time in his life when he felt hopeless, after all, it was the main driving forces of why he was in this predicament.
Deadlock, the gang took everything from him, his innocence, drove away his family, and in the end, took away his will to live. Hell, it became his life and in return he became a leashed dog, a mutt only used for its skill. Used to guard supply runs and kill any unlucky soul unfortunate to make themselves a target. For a while, it didn’t bother him. In his naive youth, Deadlock gave him structure, they took him in when he had nothing good left in his life, just another soul full of anger at how unfair the world was, impressionable to a fault. They gave him a gun and directed him to a target, at that moment they gave him purpose even if it was misdirected. It wasn’t until years later when he was wiser and older that the eyes of those poor innocent lives he took started to matter, started to eat away at his subconscious, haunting him every waking moment and following him into his sleep. For the longest part, he just wished someone had come along and shaken sense into his younger self, if only.
Tears flowed into the surrounding water as he gripped his throat, pain blossoming with every passing second. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, this was supposed to be a peaceful end, to slip away under the water and to be forgotten as the tide took him far away, to places even he couldn’t dream of in even his wildest dreams.
….then why did he want to survive?
His feet kicked out at unseen foes trying to escape this underwater prison, fingers tearing at the serape that only seemed to further choke him. Fuck this, he could still fight, he could still escape Deadlocks grasp, he could...what keep living this empty existence? He just wanted to be happy, to matter in some small way, to be a part of something good in this world.
Through the water he spotted something approaching before darkness overtook his vision, eyes falling closed. In that brief moment, the distant figure reminded him of the jellyfish he used to spend hours water, back when he’d sneak into the aquarium late at night. Before shit hit the fan in his life, complicating everything, changing him.
“Oh weary traveler whose heart is heavy…
sinking further to the ocean’s floor”
A soft melody reached his ears, cutting through the thick fog overtaking his mind due to the lack of air. Jesse couldn’t really understand what he was hearing, it just sounded like wordless music sung to a tune he couldn’t quite hear. It sounded...really nice actually, like something his momma would sing to him as a boy when he was scared of the thunderstorms. It calmed the fears he had in those last few minutes as he continued to sink. If an angel had found him, that was quite alright with him. It would be nice for someone to take care of him instead of the other way around for once.
“Let the waves wash you away
the dragon consuming your fears
in return for something entirely new...”
Jesse didn’t even notice a silky touch wrap around his body, curling and coiling like some unseen serpent. Hugging him close like a warm blanket as hands dragged him further down into the water, deeper into the waiting darkness below. He slipped closer into that dreamless sleep he had sought desperately earlier. The gentle rocking of the waves lulled him to sleep as he finally gave in to whatever waited for him, he didn’t care what happened anymore.
For once, Jesse McCree was truly at peace, if that's what dying meant, he only wished he had done it sooner.
In the end, nothing mattered.