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“Remember when we were little?”
The words were accidental; Stensland hadn’t meant to let them out, still laying in Clyde’s bed (he tried not to think of how it had been their bed, before) not ready to leave just yet, even though he should, even though he should have a whole life ahead of him, one that didn’t include Clyde. Yet here he was.
“Hm?” Clyde shifted next to him, just slightly closer. Stens tried not to pay attention to the points of contact between them, to the heat from skin on skin.
“When we were little.” He turned on his side, against his better judgment, to look at the man next to him. He only just managed to not reach over, to run his hands along his jaw, his neck, his shoulders. He shouldn’t want that, couldn’t want that. This was...this wasn’t supposed to have happened in the first place, but it had, and he couldn’t take it back.
Clyde smiled at him softly, softer than he deserved. “We did a lot of things when we were little.”
A wry smile. Stensland couldn’t deny the truth, however. They’d known each other since elementary school, silent Clyde protecting him from the older kids that wanted to pick on him for his looks, his accent. They’d been inseparable since. The best of friends to high school sweethearts; no one would have ever guessed they would end up like this, just short of divorce.
And here he was, back in Clyde’s bed again, unable to resist him like he always had been.
“When we’d go to the bridge.”
Stensland felt a hand brush along his side, fingers tracing the line of his waist down to his hips. He tried--and failed--to hold in a shiver at the touch, at the gentle way Clyde looked at him, like he used to when they were in high school, in college, before this mess, before he ran. He’d believed he’d never see that look again and yet…
Clyde grinned at him, that large, lazy grin that always had his heart beating a little faster. “When I’d drag you out of school with me to go there, you mean.”
“Does it really count as dragging when I went willingly?”
Stensland tried to look put out when Clyde only laughed at him, but he knew the truth, which was that he wasn't entirely willing to leave the school on their nearly monthly trips to the New River Gorge Bridge. They didn’t always skip school to go, but it was often enough he’d always been sure the administration had noticed their simultaneous absence, sure their parents knew. Nobody had ever said anything, though; had just let them be.
He let Clyde pull him closer, cheek pressed against his shoulder, a hand still running along his side. Stens almost hated how much he missed this, missed him. He shouldn’t want to stay in the bed forever, comfortably nestled at Clyde’s side; he had a life out there, away from him, away from West Virginia. And Clyde...well, Clyde deserved better than him, better than the pathetic person he’d become even when he had left to become a better person. Instead, he’d quickly fallen right back into the comfort of Clyde’s arms, unable to resist him, even after all these years away.
“What made you think of the bridge?” Stens loved his low voice, the way he said each word carefully, his easy accent. He’d always envied him that southern accent, the soft lilt easy to the ears, perfectly encapsulating the southern ideal of hospitality and sweetened iced tea. His own accent was awkward and misplaced comparatively.
“Just...this. When we went there, it was just us. Us versus the world.” His words were soft as a finger trailed circular shapes into Clyde’s collarbone, not daring to look up at him, not knowing--or more accurately not wanting to face--what he would find there. “We were so far up from the river, it was like we were invincible. Nothing could ever touch us. It felt like it was just us, forever. That was what this felt like. It was...you were….everything.”
He wanted to bury himself into the bed and not come out. This wasn’t...none of this was how anything was supposed to go, and here he was, digging a deeper hole for himself the moment he’d started talking again.
“Stens…”
“But then we had to walk back home, Clyde, face the world again. It’s...we can’t do this. I...had, no, I have something beyond here.”
“Beyond us.” It wasn’t a question; Stensland nearly flinched at the implications.
“I...no...yes. But, Clyde, it...it was never about you. Not like that. I didn’t…” He turned then, not able to face him, not able to take in the comfort being freely offered. Instead he faced the walls, still that horrible yellow he’d always complained about. “I didn’t want you to feel like you had to leave here, leave your home, just to follow my stupid dreams, it would be unf--”
Stensland’s words were cut off with a squeak as Clyde was suddenly looming over him, knees bracketing his hips as he had, perhaps by a sort of instinct, moved so his back was on the mattress once more. There was now nowhere he could look without feeling like he was losing; his gaze anywhere would be obvious. Resigned to his fate, he looked up into Clyde’s eyes, feeling that pang of hurt and regret with the expression he found there, with how his gaze bored into him.
“Clyde,” he whispered, feeling like he couldn’t--he shouldn’t-- raise his voice above it in that moment, like if he did, he would ruin everything; it would fracture around him.
“Stens, you…,” Clyde sighed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. When they opened again, Stensland was struck again by the emotions he saw there, coupled with the hurt evident by the draw of his brow, the downturn of his mouth. He felt the urge to kiss that look off his face, as he had so many times in the past. But he couldn’t--that wasn’t his job anymore, hadn’t been for a long time.
“You thought...you really thought I wouldn’t drop everything for you?”
“Clyde, I--”
“No, Stens, just let...let me talk.”
He only nodded, his heart now racing.
“After all this time, after everythin’ I’ve fucking done for you. I know we had to move to Boone to take care of Momma and it was backtracking from what we wanted, having to live in this trailer but I...it was going to get better, I swear. I told you, I had plans, and we were gonna get out of here, you could be wherever you wanted.”
Clyde was shuddering now, tears starting to form at the corners of his eyes. Stensland wanted to reach up, wipe them away, but really, he didn’t deserve that, did he?
“Dammit, Stens. Everything I’ve done is for you. This may have been my house, where I lived, but you, Stens, you were my home. I didn’t want to be anywhere but with you. Fuck, I’d live in a cardboard box in the city if it meant I was with you.”
Tears were falling now, rolling down his cheeks just slightly before falling off down onto Stensland. He could see the effort Clyde was making to keep himself up, his arm trembling with it. Reaching up, he wiped away a tear beginning to form before pushing at his left shoulder. He got the hint and carefully sunk back down on the bed next to Stens, curling against his side, his arm finding its way under his neck again so his hand could rest against Sten’s arm, thumb rubbing circles into it.
“I want to be selfish again, Stens. I want to demand you take me back, fuck your divorce, fuck whoever made you want it, want to keep you here with me again, or keep you wherever, it doesn’t have to be here, as long as I have you.”
“Clyde…” He rolled over so they were once again facing each other, not able to take this without looking at him, but also just that bit of scared to do so, still scared of what he’d see in Clyde’s expression, not wanting to face the hurt that had been there since he’d shown up in town three days ago.
“But I can’t. I still fucking can’t, not if it risks your happiness. Fuck, I just want you to be happy.”
“I want you to be happy, too,” Stensland rushed out, before Clyde could take over again. “That’s why...I thought you were happier here, would be happier here than in any city. You’re a country boy, Clyde, and I love that about you, don’t get me wrong, but I didn’t think you’d like living in the city.”
“ You make me happy. I don’t fucking care where it is, Stens, I just...I just want to be with you. If I can’t..If I don’t make you happy anymore, though, I’ll just...I’ll just deal with it. But I couldn’t just let you go, Stens, not without...not without talking to you. I know we weren’t good at that before, and that’s probably my fault I just...I wanted everything to be okay and I was bullheaded and didn’t see that you weren’t happy and it’s my fault and I’m sorry.”
“No Clyde, I’m sorry. I should have...I should have said something, anything. I just...I got trapped and scared and I didn’t think anything through. Clyde, fuck, I’m sorry. I know it’s ten years too late, but I’m sorry.”
Stensland leaned forward then, pressing his lips to Clyde’s, trying not to get lost in them, knowing it was probably a lost cause. He whispered soft “I’m sorry”s between kisses, savoring the warmth he felt from it, from this.
Clyde finally pulled back, a crooked grin across his reddened lips. “Well, ain’t we two idiots?”
He barely contained his snort. “Just a bit, maybe.”
“We still...I know we still got a lotta talkin’ to do, but...do you want to go for a drive?”
“A drive?” Stensland looked up at him, confused, Clyde’s wide grin only fueling that confusion.
“Yes,” Clyde answered, pressing another kiss to Stensland’s lips, leaving him wanting more, again, wanting to follow him as he drew back. “A drive. I think a certain bridge would be nice to visit.”