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Duncan was concerned about his new recruit. She had been mostly silent on the road, obeying his commands, answering any question in monosyllables. She hadn't questioned him when he suggested they leave the main road. She hadn't even asked why they were travelling by foot, although he suspected she couldn't ride a horse anyway. He let her alone when they stopped, gathering kindling himself as she stared unseeing into the gathering darkness.
He began to make the fire. Tomorrow he would explain to her how to make a fire-pit, how to find the driest twigs so the fire wouldn't smoke. There were a hundred things he needed to teach this city-born elf, but for tonight, he left her alone with her thoughts. He didn't have much time to give, but he could give her this one night. He owed her that much. He took oatcakes from his pack, warming them over the fire. They ate in silence. When they had finished, Duncan handed her a bedroll.
'I'll take first watch,' he said. 'One person sleeps and one person keeps watch. We switch halfway through the night. I will wake you when it is your turn.'
She glanced at him warily, but nodded after a moment. 'Alright.' She spread her bedroll out on the other side of the fire to him and lay down in it. She laid her swords down on the ground next to her.
He sat cross-legged, and took his daggers out to sharpen and clean them. He could feel her watching him from where she lay, but he kept his eyes down, thinking about her recruitment.
She had been in the square, facing off with the guards, stubbornly taking all the responsibility for the attack on the Arl’s Estate. She was still in her wedding finery, although it was torn and smudged with dirt and worse. It was then that he had stepped in and conscripted her, saving her from the noose. When she understood she was leaving the alienage, and that she was not going to hang, all the wind seemed to go out of her. He let her return to her house to say goodbye to her loved ones, and she had returned twenty minutes later, dressed in a clean tunic and leggings, as well as some soft, supple looking boots. She was holding the longsword he had sent her, as well as another blade he guessed she had taken from a soldier at the Arl’s estate. She looked utterly defeated. She held the swords out to him, points down.
’One of these is yours. The other too, if you want it.’ She spoke over his shoulder, not looking at him directly.
’No, Kallian. You can keep them, they are yours now.’
She snorted. ‘Elves aren’t allowed to carry weapons,’ she said, her foot kicking the ground.
He frowned. ‘Grey Wardens are always armed,’ he said gently, ‘including elves. Keep the swords. You may borrow my spare cloak, if you like, that will conceal them well enough if you are not comfortable wearing them openly at present.’
She had shrugged, but she took the cloak when he gave it to her, as well as a sword belt to hold her new weapons. She didn’t look around as they left the alienage, but she did rest her hand on the stone wall by the gate, just once, before they walked out into the market place. Since then she had followed him mutely out of the city, letting him lead.
He looked up at her and saw she had finally fallen asleep. He had a mind to let her sleep all the way through till morning, but he needed rest too, especially if they encountered any trouble on the road. He left it a few more hours, watching the moon to let him know when to wake her.
'Kallian,' he said, and she started awake, her hand going to her sleeve. The hilt of a dagger was halfway out of it before she froze, her panicked eyes meeting his.
He put up a hand, palm toward her. 'It is your turn to watch. I am going to turn in.' As he laid out his bedroll he glanced up at her, and saw her tucking the dagger back into her sleeve. She met his eyes again. She seemed to be waiting to see if he would say anything.
'Kallian, I promise you can trust me. I know that is asking a great deal from you, but I hope that in time you will see that. I don't care if you have concealed weapons, the more the better, as far as I am concerned. But you don't need to pretend to be less armed than you are. I mean you no harm.'
'If you say so,' she said shortly, bending over to pick up her swords from the grass.
Duncan sighed. 'Are you angry with me specifically, or just with your situation? Because it is alright to be angry, I quite understand.'
She straightened up at once, swords forgotten. She seemed at a loss for words, opening and closing her mouth. At last she stuttered into speech. 'You'll forgive me for disagreeing with you then, I'm sure. Because if you understood a single thing about me or 'my situation' then you wouldn't have just sent me a sword today. You would have come yourself to the palace and killed every single guard before they harmed Shianni.' She paused, raking a hand angrily through her hair before speaking again. 'You're a Grey Warden! I managed to fight my way out of there and I'm no warrior of legend. Do you know the difference you could have made? Do you? Because I do and I don't understand how you can sit there and pretend to be kind to me when you let them take us and then didn't even come yourself to save us. And now I'm supposed to believe your kind words and trust you. Well, I don't. So get used to it. You left us in that castle with those men and think that the fact you sent me a sword and then stopped me being hanged means I owe you? Fuck that, and fuck you.' She sat suddenly down on the ground and pulled her weapons towards her, glaring at him over the fire.
Duncan drew in a deep breath. This was the most words she had spoken to him since before the attack at the wedding. 'You have been through a great deal today. I am sorry for it, but I promise you I did as much as I could, in the circumstances. If I had made an attack on the Arl of Denerim's estate, we would both now be sitting in the Arl's dungeons.'
Kallian huffed a breath out angrily. 'Good! Ok, well, I'm glad we've established that you won't risk your life or your freedom just for the sake of some knife-ears! I'm glad we've got that out of the way!'
Duncan sighed. 'I was not thinking solely of myself. I am sorry, but I cannot act as one man, no matter what my personal wishes may be. The whole of Ferelden is at risk from a terrible danger. Even now the King's armies are massing at Ostagar, where we are headed, to do battle with the darkspawn. Grey Wardens are needed to stop the Blight. As their commander, I cannot leave them leaderless. I swear to you, if circumstances were different, I would have come for you myself. But, they were not, and I did what I could. I will be eternally sorry that it was not enough. You have every right to blame me.'
Kallian didn't say anything. She looked down at the ground, her hands tearing up handfuls of grass. 'I don't only blame you,' she said very quietly. Duncan could barely hear her over the fire. 'I was there. I should have run faster. I should have fought better, got to her quicker, before they -' She stopped, her voice breaking as if on a sob, and drew in a shaky breath. 'I should have persuaded them to just take me in the first place, to leave the others out of it.'
Duncan's hand went to his mouth. 'Kallian,' he said, 'I want you to listen to me. It was not your fault. You shouldn't have had to run faster, or fight better. You should not have been taken in the first place. I know you did everything you could, and the fact that you couldn't stop Shianni being hurt has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with Vaughn and his men. And if they had taken you alone, You don't know what would have happened. They might have killed you-'
'I don't care!' She threw the handful of grass she was holding aside, breathing hard. 'I don't care. If it had just been me, Shianni would have been ok. She would have been safe. Nola and Nelaros would still be alive. I could have dealt with it.'
'Kallian, you are not responsible for what happened just because you couldn't persuade them to take you alone. They chose to do what they did, and there wasn't anything you could do.' He paused. 'Again, you don't know what would have happened otherwise. You don't know what would have happened, or how you would have dealt with it.'
'Yes I do!' she cried, and there were furious tears on her cheeks now. 'It's happened before and I dealt with it fine then, ok? You think this is the first time human men have taken it into their heads to have a little fun with the knife-ears? It's happened to me, I didn't care if it happened to me again, just as long as Shianni was safe! And she was safe! Up until today. I failed her, I should have protected her, I should have made sure what happened to me never happened to her, but I didn't. I didn't and now she's all alone dealing with the aftermath. I can't even be there for her! I may as well have hanged, I deserved it.' She brushed her tears away roughly, staring away into the darkness, refusing to look at him. 'You should have let me hang,' she said, so quietly he might have missed it.
Duncan breathed in slowly, understanding. 'You did not fail her. I know you may not care what happens to you now, but please believe me. Nothing that has happened to you or to Shianni was your fault. You do not deserve to die, or to be hurt again in Shianni's place. If the world was as it should be, neither of you would have had to suffer like that. You were put in a situation no one should be in, and you did everything you could in terrible circumstances. You killed Vaughn and his men, and you got her out of the Estate. You avenged her.'
'That doesn't change what they did.'
'No, it doesn't. But neither will blaming or punishing yourself. Only time can bring healing, for you and Shianni. And she is not alone, she has your cousin Soris and his wife, and she has Valendrian and your father. They will look out for her.'
'I should be there for her too,' she said, very softly.
'It is cruel that you cannot be, but that is how it must be. I saved you from the death sentence, but you cannot remain in Denerim. You are a Grey Warden now, or you will be. We definitely need someone with your skills.'
She sighed tiredly, seemingly unable to think of a way to keep arguing with him. 'Get some sleep then. I'll keep watch,' she said, at last.
Duncan lay down. 'Wake me at first light.'
'You're the boss,' she said absently.
Things were easier between them after their argument. The next day as they travelled Duncan pointed out to her things he thought she should know. Which berries were safe for eating, and which to avoid. Which plants had roots underneath that were good for cooking. She nodded, and seemed glad to have something to focus on. They paused to eat lunch in a small thicket of trees. As she chewed the bread and cheese Duncan had produced from his pack, she seemed to be thinking something over.
'Why aren't we travelling on the main road?' she said at last.
Duncan cocked his head at her. 'I thought it was best to stay off the path. Frankly, you killed the Arl of Denerim's son. Vaughn was a very well connected man, with many friends. I wasn't sure if we would be pursued.'
She huffed. 'I killed all his friends,' she said bitterly.
Duncan sighed. 'Not all. It would be very easy for his father or one of his father's friends to arrange an accident for us on the road. Besides, you will learn something of how to survive in the wilds this way. I imagine there was not much need to camp out in Denerim. We will skirt the edges of the Brecillian Forest, and then follow the Drakon river down towards Lothering. There will be men waiting there for us with horses. We should be safe enough from then on. From there we ride down the Imperial highway to Ostagar.'
Kallian listened to this thoughtfully. 'And then what? Glorious battle?'
'Not quite. You will undergo the Joining, the ritual one takes part in to become a Grey Warden. And then, yes, we will fight.'
'Good,' she said, as she straightened up, ready to begin walking again.
That evening when they made camp Duncan announced his intention to train her further in swordplay.
'I know how to fight,' she said, eyebrows drawing down into a scowl.
He fought back a sigh and explained gently that he wanted to see her in action, to judge for himself. She got up, grumbling, and drew her swords, holding them low in a guard position. Duncan raised his own weapons, and attacked.
His first impression of her was good, very good. She was strong, but precise with it, never using more force than needed, conserving her energy, channelling it into speed. He danced around her, testing her guard. She was clearly still on edge from the ordeal on her wedding day, and she left openings he could easily exploit, but he drew back each time, not wanting to move in closer to her when she was so agitated. She showed the skill of one who began training early, fighting instincts built in her from childhood. Duncan smiled grimly. He stepped back and put a hand up, signalling them to stop.
'That was impressive. Tomorrow we will work on your footwork. Now, let me show you how to make a fire-pit. It shields the fire from prying eyes, and helps keep it hot, meaning less smoke. If we are careful, there will be almost no smoke at all. The first step is to gather dry wood...'
They fell into an steady rhythm from then on, walking in the day, training in the evening, sleeping in shifts. He tried to impart as much knowledge to her as he could as they go, asking her questions, seeing if she remembers a fact he told her yesterday. It would help her survive, but more importantly, it kept her mind occupied.
After a few days travel, they arrived in South Reach to gather supplies. She loitered outside the village shop whilst he bought them some bread and strips of tough, dried meat. When he came outside, stowing his purchases in his pack, he spoke her name, but got no response. He looked closely at her. She was staring across the square, where a woman with red hair was hanging clothes out to dry with her back to them. Kallian was staring with a desperate longing, her eyes huge and dark, tears gathering in them. He spoke her name again and she started.
'We should move on,' he said, beginning to walk away from her, giving her time to wipe her eyes if she wished.
She was subdued again as they made camp, mutely gathering firewood without even bothering to make sarcastic comments or to complain at him. He almost wished she would shout at him again like the first night, so he could at least know what she was thinking, to try and set her mind at ease. He could guess, however, and he suspected there was not much he could do.
When she woke him in the night to change watches, it was much later than he had asked, and he frowned at her.
'I couldn't sleep,' she said quietly. 'There was no point in both of us sitting awake.' She lay down in her bedroll and dozed fitfully until it was time for them to be moving again.
That evening instead of sparring, he set her doing exercises to strengthen her arms. She didn't even complain, she just bent down and began doing press-ups while he heated their food. It was later, when they were laying out their bedrolls, that she finally spoke. Her voice was hoarse.
'I wonder what she's doing now.'
'Shianni?' he asked.
She rolled her eyes. 'No, the archdemon. Yes, Shianni.'
Duncan waited to see if she would say anything else.
'She'd always be doing laundry in the marketplace when I was on my Dad's stall. We'd pull faces at each other when our parents weren't looking, and sneak off to talk when they were distracted.' Her expression would almost be a smile, if her eyes weren't so sad.
Duncan hesitated, wondering if he should ask. 'Do you love her?' The answer was written on her face, but she seemed to want to talk about it.
She swallowed. 'Yeah. Yeah, I - I mean, we weren't together, not any more. It was basically over ages ago, I fucked it up.' She laughs, harshly. 'But anyway, I was getting married. I knew we couldn't - that there was no way for us to be together. She was angry with me. She came to see me the night before the wedding. We said our goodbyes. I knew things were really done, then. We were moving on.' She let herself fall backwards onto her bedroll. 'I just wish - I wish I could at least be there for her. I owe her that much.'
Duncan opened his mouth to speak, but she held up a hand to forestall him. 'I know, I know, I can't change anything, I've got to accept things as they are, no matter how fucking awful it is.'
Duncan was silent for a moment. 'Shianni has other people who care for her. She will be alright without you. It will take time, but-'
Kallian hissed impatiently. 'Forget I said anything. I don't know what I was thinking. You don't understand a fucking thing.' She rolled over, turning her back on him.
'Kallian, please, tell me what it is I don't understand.'
She lay still for a while, before finally she spoke, her voice muffled. 'I chose to have the wedding. She didn't want me to get married. She said it was stupid, that our traditions were stupid. I just didn't want to upset my Dad. If I had done what she wanted in the first place, none of this would have happened. It's my fault. If I had only listened to her, those men wouldn't have come looking. They wouldn't have hurt her like that.'
'You couldn't have known what would happen. You can't tell the future, Kallian. Even now, you don't know what would have happened if you had done as you say. Vaughn might have come anyway, either that day or another. When I tell you that it's not your fault, I mean it. I know it may be easier for you to believe that for a time, but-'
'Exactly which part of this is supposed to be easy?' she said furiously, sitting up to face him.
Duncan sighed. 'I just meant that when you insist it is your fault, you have a ready target for your anger. You can turn it all inward, take satisfaction in hating yourself. You almost give yourself some power over what happened- if you insist it was your fault, you still hold onto the idea that you could have stopped it. Only when you accept that you were truly powerless, that a monstrous thing was done to you which was absolutely beyond your control, can you begin to move forward, to find some healing, and to place blame firmly where it belongs; with the men who did it.'
'Nothing happened to me. It happened to Shianni,' she said tiredly.
'I didn't just mean the abduction at the wedding, although that certainly happened to you too. I meant what you mentioned the first night, the trauma that you went through before.'
Something seemed to close off in her eyes. 'I don't want to talk about that,' she said quietly. 'I'm going to sleep. Wake me when it's my watch.'
She was surly all the next day, and he let her be, wondering if he had pushed her too much, too soon. They were making good time, and should be in Lothering within a few days. Their food would run low before then, and he offered to teach her to fish, only to find out she already knew how.
'A river runs past the alienage,' she said shortly. 'Hungry people are very resourceful.'
That night they smoked fish over the fire, but there was no conversation.
They drew closer to Lothering, an uneasy peace between them. Sometimes he caught her watching him, as if she wanted to say something, but she always turned away, pretended to be doing something else. Their sparring lessons came to a halt, and they spoke only when needed.
They finally arrived in Lothering. The escort waiting for them was a very welcome sight to Duncan. The horses, however, posed a problem.
'Andraste's teeth! How do you even get on?' Kallian demanded, as she tried to step from the mounting post to the horse, only for it to thwart her efforts by snorting and moving away. Duncan resisted a smile, coming over to hold the horse in place while she mounted. Foreseeing another difficulty, he led her horse on a rein from his own, and they all set off down the Imperial Highway.
It surprised Duncan, but Kallian seemed to bond with her horse. He found her that evening standing apart from the men, stroking the nose of her mount. The horse lipped her ear, and she was so surprised that she laughed, a real laugh, that gave Duncan some hope. He watched them for a time, before moving away.
Finally, they arrived at Ostagar. The sight of King Cailan waiting for them in his golden armour made Duncan's heart sink. He doubted Kallian was going to take well to the King. He was proved correct not three minutes later when Kallian cut through the King's well meaning bluster with cold words that he knew he would still be hearing days later.
'I killed an Arl's son for raping my friend,' she said, in response to his question, her tone flat, her voice dead.
Cailan spluttered, and Duncan moved forward, ushering her away. They walked up the bridge together.
'I lost my temper,' she said, after a moment.
'Yes,' he said heavily.
'Do you want me to apologise?'
'No. Antagonising the King was not the wisest decision, but no harm will come of it. The only thing I want from you, what I have wanted since we set out, is for you to begin to forgive yourself.'
Kallian snorted. 'I thought you said I didn't do anything wrong.'
Duncan sighed. 'You haven't, but you still believe yourself to be responsible for a situation in which you were the victim. You need to challenge that belief. You need to learn to be kind to yourself.'
Kallian didn't say anything, but her scepticism was written clear on her face.
They stopped in the shadow of Ostagar's walls. Duncan looked at her closely. 'I just want to ask you one thing. If Shianni could see you now, what would she say? Would she agree with your assessment of things?'
Kallian frowned, opening her mouth in anger, before pausing. 'She - she didn't blame me, when I spoke to her afterwards.' She stopped there, apparently still thinking on his words.
He almost smiled. It was a start.