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Yang Jeongin wondered if it had always been like this.
By this, he meant the way Hyunjin was pressed against him, barely any space in between them as the two boys shared a single bed. It was the way Hyunjin giggled whenever there was a funny scene on the show they're watching, a familiar trill of laughter that the younger boy could probably pick out from a mile away. It was the comforting scent of Hyunjin’s sweater, soft and calming, something a little like home. It had always been that way; the answer to his question was a clear yes. It was also how Hyunjin's hand inevitably found its way towards Jeongin's head, patting it gently before absentmindedly running his fingers through the smooth strands of hair as if in a trance.
It was comforting and nerve wrecking all at once.
That may have been where things started to become different.
He wasn’t sure when it began; the way his heart would race, at least, the same thing that coincided with the comfort that Hyunjin gave him. It seemed almost impossible to have two such opposite reactions to one thing, but Jeongin had no other way to describe it. He knew that Hyunjin had always been there, that was for sure. A solid presence who loved to make himself known through small hugs, sweet words, and that soft, beautiful laugh. From the very moment they met, Hyunjin was transparent. The older boy was the same throughout the years. That could only mean that if anything changed, it would have to be himself, right?
There was nothing new with the things that Hyunjin did.
So why did Jeongin suddenly feel like his heart was going to burst through his chest from the older boy’s touch alone?
“Innie? Are you okay?”
“Hm?” Jeongin responded, snapped out of his thoughts in a daze.
Hyunjin didn’t stop stroking his hair, “you weren’t reacting to the show all of a sudden. That joke just now was totally your style.”
“Sorry,” the younger boy replied sheepishly. “I was distracted by something. Can we rewind it?”
“Sure.”
The hand that was on his head left in favour of adjusting the show on the phone. It was literally a weight off of Jeongin, who was able to breathe a little better at the lack of contact. Yet the part of him that wasn’t filled with relief was filled with the exact opposite—a feeling of loss, a sort of yearning, a voice at the back of his head that wanted Hyunjin’s hand back on his head, even if he also knew that the distance wouldn’t stay for long. Sure enough, as soon as Hyunjin managed to rewind the show a few minutes back, he resumed his previous position. Long fingers weaved through the other’s hair like it belonged there.
“Thanks,” the younger said quietly, trying his best not to melt into the touch.
It didn’t take Jeongin that long to realize what changed, really. He was young, but he wasn’t exactly naive. It didn’t seem all that surprising to himself, either, but he did take his time actually processing it. He didn’t think it would happen so quickly. When did he even begin to like Hyunjin, all the more fall in love? Then again, it wasn’t like he ever disliked the other boy, either. There was nothing to dislike, after all. Maybe he’s just been biased from the start. Maybe falling in love was as inevitable as Hyunjin patting his head and snuggling close whenever they were together. He would never be able to pinpoint exactly when he fell in love.
Jeongin figured he could probably answer why.
It wouldn’t be hard, all he had to do was talk about Hyunjin, and that would give him all the answers he needed.
Where would he begin, though?
The older boy radiated something that Jeongin couldn’t describe sometimes. It went without saying that he was handsome, but that was barely scratching the surface of what made Hyunjin who he was, a shallow understanding of someone who was actually pretty complex. His looks aside, Hyunjin radiated with passion and hard work. Traits that Jeongin admired in everybody, but all the more so in the older boy, who would still manage to laugh despite the hardships. The same boy who could just as easily take control of dance practice when needed.
It was also his charisma on stage, a magnetic pull he had that drew anybody in. Jeongin was certain he wasn’t the only one who still got goosebumps when it came to Hyunjin’s dancing and even the way he rapped along with it. The fact that such a powerful stage presence came with a boy who would shuffle sleepily through the dorm during early mornings and cling to the nearest person also made him pretty adorable, if Jeongin had to admit. Everybody called him cute, being the youngest and all, but Jeongin would gladly surrender that title to Hyunjin.
Hyunjin was also anything but shy when it came to what he wanted, too.
All he wanted was just a little bit of attention, really.
Anybody could see that the older boy clung to Jeongin, maybe even a bit excessively, but the younger knew there were two sides to that story. Some part of him never really felt the need to push Hyunjin off during moments like that. The same part of him that whispered a question along the lines of just when did he start to like Hyunjin? Was there ever a period where he didn’t? Was he just oblivious this whole time? He enjoyed drowning in Hyunjin’s affection as much as the other boy enjoyed pouring it all over the younger. That much was clear.
Not that he would ever admit it.
“That was a good episode,” Hyunjin commented. If he noticed how Jeongin went silent towards the end again—knowing him, he probably did—the older boy didn’t say anything. Not yet, anyway. Instead he detached himself from Jeongin, pulling his arms away from their earlier position around the younger and practically peeling his body off the other. The lack of warmth was the first thing Jeongin noticed; the second would be how that same warmth returned just as quickly as it left, only in a different position now.
Hyunjin had an arm wrapped around his torso, while the younger boy finally took notice of what was happening a little more.
“Will you tell me what’s bothering you now?”
It was a question that came off more like a subtle command, if Jeongin was being honest. He could feel his heart racing again and his palms getting sweaty from where his arms were trapped underneath Hyunjin’s hold. The older boy had some weird way of just knowing when something bothered him, always quick to pry out whatever Jeongin would rather keep locked inside, relentless until he would surrender. It was his special talent, Hyunjin would boast sometimes, and Jeongin inwardly agreed. Still, there was no way he could just blurt out his feelings right then and there.
There was no hiding it from Hyunjin for too long, though, so the younger decided to turn his body so that they were face to face in preparation for what was going to happen next. The other boy wasted no time adjusting the bodies so that they would slot together better, the arm around his waist drawing him close until they were touching again. Personal space wasn’t really in Hyunjin’s vocabulary, but as usual, Jeongin couldn’t bring himself to mind. He did briefly wonder if Hyunjin could feel his heartbeat, though. At least their faces weren’t too close to each other, since the older boy pulled his head back a little to examine Jeongin better.
“Well?” Hyunjin prompted gently.
Without the light from the phone, the room was darker than Jeongin expected it to be. They had closed the lights earlier before in preparation of sleeping right after the show, cuddling together like they always do, but it seemed like Hyunjin wasn’t going to let him off so easily. He didn’t think sleep was an option. The darkness did help Jeongin feel a bit better though, glad that at least his flushed cheeks wouldn’t be seen, nor the way his eyes would dart everywhere around the room. Not yet, at least, since their eyes would adjust eventually.
He took a deep breath.
“I want to try something,” Jeongin said, voice softer than he expected it to be.
“Will it make you feel better if you do?”
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.
Hyunjin hummed thoughtfully, “why don’t you know?”
“It depends,” the younger boy replied, suddenly nervous as he paused to lick his lips, before biting at his lower lip enough to practically peel the dry skin off. It was a terrible habit to have on a normal basis, but even more so whenever he was nervous, since the biting was harder to control. It might have been useful just then though, as Jeongin watched Hyunjin’s eyes trail the movement. He felt a little braver with that. “It depends on what happens next.”
There was something ethereal about Hyunjin in the dim glow of the room, lips glossy in comparison to the younger’s own constantly dry and bitten lips, eyes twinkling even in the dark. It was almost as if he knew exactly what Jeongin was thinking about; the latter wouldn’t be surprised at all if that was the case. He’d just be a little annoyed at being teased, but nothing serious, nothing he wouldn’t be able to get over just as quickly as it came. Again, the older boy’s eyes flickered down towards his lips. Normally, that was when he’d tell Jeongin to stop before he bled.
“We really have to fix your lip biting problem,” he said instead, seemingly out of topic, but his eyes betrayed his intentions. Jeongin had never seen Hyunjin look more amused in his life.
The younger allowed himself to be baited all the same.
“We?” Jeongin asked, breath hitching involuntarily when Hyunjin leaned closer by a fraction of an inch as he spoke.
“What did you want to try, Innie?”
“I think you know.”
“I think I do, too,” Hyunjin replied with a slight chuckle, words laced with amusement that made the younger boy blush. “I want to hear you say it, though.”
The other boy sighed in mock irritation, “do you have to be so difficult?”
Hyunjin laughed louder at that, shoulders shaking as he held Jeongin even tighter than before. The action made him lean forward even more, close enough so that their foreheads were touching. All the younger boy had to do was push himself forward a little, just a little more, and their lips would meet as well. It was all he had to do, that one small gesture, but he still hesitated. A million thoughts ran through his mind about how he could break that very moment, maybe even their entire friendship, if he made one wrong move. As much as the signs pointed towards the positive side of things, Jeongin couldn’t help but overthink regardless.
“I think I earned the right to be difficult, since I’ve been waiting for so long.”
His heart skipped a beat, “what?”
“Have you finally realized you’re in love with me, Jeongin?” Hyunjin said gleefully, a smile dancing on his lips as he moved his hand to stroke Jeongin’s cheek. “Took you long enough to catch up with me.”
The other boy felt a whole rollercoaster of emotions right after that; annoyed because Hyunjin really was teasing him this whole time; relieved because his feelings weren’t rejected; happy because what Hyunjin said was a confession, right? Jeongin would like to think that it was. It was the perfect go signal to just lean forward and finally, finally capture those plump lips between his own like he’s been dying to do for a while now. He went through the events and checked all the imaginary boxes he had that would determine when he should kiss Hyunjin. Nothing was stopping him at the point, so he did.
Jeongin leaned in, watching the way Hyunjin’s eyes widened in surprise for a split second and revelling in the fact that he caught the older off-guard, as their lips finally met.
It wasn’t anything like fireworks, if he had to be honest. It wasn’t a rush of emotions, no sudden thrill, no fever in his veins. Rather, it was almost like his whole body relaxed, all his worries and anxieties melted away with just that. He pulled away after a few seconds, but only for Hyunjin to chase after his lips and kiss him again. Actually, it was a lot like being with Hyunjin himself, Jeongin realized. Comforting, calm, but with just the slightest buzz that reminded him that things were different now. The kiss meant a lot of things were different now, but it also meant a lot of things were going to remain the same.
They kissed long and slow yet it never felt like enough, or at least, that’s what kissing Hyunjin felt like. It was a lot like the feeling of losing track of time because you were doing something you liked or because you were with someone you loved; by the time Jeongin succeeded in finally pulling back, he could feel his lips tingling and saw how Hyunjin’s lips looked extra swollen considering how full they already were to begin with. He figured he was technically doing something he liked—Jeongin was pretty sure he wasn’t going to get tired of kissing Hyunjin pretty soon, maybe ever—with someone he loved, so maybe the effect doubled.
“I think your lips look healthier already,” Hyunjin said, voice cutting through the silence, happiness evident even just through his words.
It was going to be another new thing, Jeongin realized, but it was also something he was less confused and overall less worried about. If he was honest, it was a new thing that was always there to begin with, in some weirdly ironic way. He had it coming. Hyunjin was apparently aware of things way before he was, which he still wanted to know more about some other day. He still had unanswered questions; the very prominent when that will remain forever unanswered, probably. There was one question he knew the answer to just fine, though.
Jeongin didn’t think he was going to change the way he felt about Hyunjin for a long, long time.