Chapter Text
Sam felt the world was pretty much on his shoulders at the moment. It’s not that he hadn’t even had this before. But at least, he had had Dean before. Now, he felt like the whole world against him. No Dean, no support, no information, no one could give him the hope that he needed, no hope, no faith, nothing. Sam wanted to just breakdown, to cry his eyeballs out, to just give up already, but he couldn’t. It’s Dean we’re talking about. And Dean had never given up on him. He couldn’t let the man down one more time. So he pushed himself into multiple tasks, drove him deep into work, anything to erase the feeling of getting closer to a failure. But by doing that, he also pushed himself far from other humans, from things he’s having at the moment. He pushed himself far from Jack.
The moment he realized it was the moment he talked to the kid. Jack had no longer show how enthusiastic, passionate, and affectionate he’d used to be. Jack kept distance with Sam. And Sam knew God damn well why. It’s because Jack felt like he’s a failure just like what Sam had always felt. And Sam wanted to tell him that it’s not true, that no matter what happened, what’s going to happen, Jack would always be a part of Sam’s life, a part of Sam’s job. But with everything going, Sam hated to admit that Jack’s not his priority.
Sam entered his room with such a long sigh. He’s tired. He needed to rest. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to do such things. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was how much Dean must have been suffering. Sam, of all people, knew how messed up those so called archangels were. They were just beautiful on the outside and too damn ugly on the inside. Because, Sam chuckled in tears, he knew what it felt like when he’s a toy of Lucifer. He knew what it felt like when Michael had used him as a punching bag to practice his professional skills.
A knock on the door startled Sam, dragged him back to reality. Taking a deep breath, Sam tried to push all the bloody ugly images out of his mind before clearing his throat. “Yeah?” He asked. A long wait came after that until a soft unsure voice was spoken up.
“Sam?”
“Jack?” Sam was a bit of surprised.
“May I come in?” Jack asked hesitantly.
“Sure”, Sam sat up to smooth his clothes. The man approached the door. A bit of uncertainty was crossing his mind before he turned to unlock the door.
Jack was standing there, his eyes were gluing on the floor as if he was reconsidering his choice of coming to Sam. But it’s not the first thing Sam noticed about the kid. What caught his attention were how many bruises and scars on Jack’s face. The kid looked pretty much beaten up. Well, he’s actually literally punched right on the face. Sam internally cursed. He had focused too much on others and he technically forgot his boy. It made him feel all kinds of guilt when he took care of Nick’s wound, but completely ignored his beloved angel.
“Hi, Sam”, Jack softly greeted.
“Jack. I’m sorry. Come in. Let me check up on you”, Sam stepped aside, spared the space for Jack to get in.
“I didn’t mean to bother you this late”, Jack admitted with a guilty voice as he walked in. His eyes were a bit sad.
“It’s okay”, Sam confirmed as he closed the door behind them. “I can’t sleep either way”. Sam turned to take his aid kit while Jack was looking around at everything in Sam’s room. “And never think that you ever bother me. You’re always welcome, buddy”, Sam smiled gently at Jack. The kid nodded with a bite on his bottom lip. Somehow, the worried look on Jack’s face wasn’t exactly shaken away from it.
“Sit on the bed, please”, Sam asked and Jack did what’s he told as Sam approached him.
Sitting by Jack’s side, Sam dipped a clean towel into warm water in a bowl. The kid swallowed hard. His eyes were glued on Sam’s movements. Sam didn’t say anything. He just smiled to calm Jack down. Jack hissed when the soft warm piece of fabric touched his wounds. “It’s okay”, Sam encouraged the kid as he continued to clean him up. Jack nodded, remained silent. Sam could feel the weight on Jack’s chest since the kid held his breath every time Sam touched him. As if, Jack wanted to say something, but he’s not brave enough. As if Jack thought that it was better if he kept his mouth shut.
“You’re good to go”, Sam announced with a smile as he finished.
“Thanks, Sam”, Jack mumbled.
Sam nodded as he gathered all his stuff. Sam knew that whatever Jack kept inside of him, it’s gonna come after him soon. Because Sam knew better than anyone else how dangerous it was to trick your own emotions. Burying them deep inside was just a temporary solution, a delay. But doing that was just like keeping a ticking bomb inside of your chest. Sooner or later, its time was gonna come. And it would come ugly. The moment all the emotions exploded, there’s nothing left of you unless a big mess.
“Ya know”, Sam exhaled. The man didn’t look at Jack, though. “I’m not trying to push you to do things you don’t want to. Because I know how ridiculous it feels when you see those eyes on you. It’s ridiculous to know how much people are empathy for you”, Sam turned to look at Jack with his tired eyes, “while you don’t want to have anything to do with it”. Sam chuckled quietly, “because they don’t make you feel better. They just make you feel like you’re a failure, like you mess up big time”. Sam recalled all his mistakes. His voice was broken a bit.
Jack didn’t reply. The kid was just watching. He looked so beautiful, so pure, so naïve. Sam just wanted to keep him that way for a bit longer. He hated to put crap on him, to force him to grow up too fast the way he used to be. Jack deserved better than heaven and hell. Jack deserved a life.
Closing his eyes for a bit, Sam inhaled before he continued. “But you didn’t, Jack, you know? You didn’t mess anything up. And trust me, when I was your age, I could never do that”, he chuckled for real this time. “You know what did when I was your age, when I knew that there were monsters in this world?” Sam asked and Jack shook his head. “I cried”, he replied, “I cried a lot. I ran away. I denied everything”. Jack watched Sam as he closed their distance. “But you, Jack, you never ran.” Sam stated. He kneeled by the bed where Jack was sitting. His face was full of honesty and trust. “Whatever you’ve done, you’ve done for the world. And that, that takes a hell of brave and heroic to do such thing. None of us, not me, and not even Dean could have ever done that when we were born. But you”, Sam smiled as he looked at Jack’s eyes, “You’re born to be good. And you will always be with or without your power. Because it doesn’t matter how much power you are, Jack”, Sam said as he touched Jack’s left chest, “It’s how big your heart is”. Jack’s lips turned into a soft smile. His eyes were tearing up as how gentle Sam was. “And Jack, I’m so proud of you. Not because of what you do or what you don’t. It’s because of who you are, of the man you’ve become, Jack”, Sam offered him the brightest smile that Jack had ever seen in his life. Sam’s eyes were full of sadness and tiredness, but he’s also full of love and trust and faith. It crushed Jack’s heart into pieces when guilt was all over him. Jack wanted to cry so bad when he knew that Sam had never for once had doubts in Jack while all Jack did was having his doubts on everyone including himself. Jack didn’t deserve Sam, the kid thought. It wasn’t surprised him when Sam never felt the way Jack felt. Because, who was he to think that he’s worth Sam Winchester?
Jack didn’t take his eyes off Sam. And Sam just smiled and patted on his shoulder. “Are we good now?” he raised an eyebrow to question.
Jack gulped. His eyes avoided Sam for a couple of seconds before turning back to the man. “Sam”, he started quietly. It felt like a whisper.
“Yeah?”
“But I didn’t do all of that for the world”, he finally broke the silence.
“I’m sorry?” Sam was confused.
Biting his lip, Jack sighed. “Whatever I’ve done, I’ve never done because I was a hero”. He swallowed. “Whatever I’ve done, I do it for me. I was selfish, Sam. I’m not heroic”. Jack squeezed his jaw.
Sam’s chest was rising up. He wasn’t sure what made Jack say so. “It’s not true, Jack. It’s-”
“But it is”, Jack’s voice was tense and shaking. “Sam, you don’t understand. I’ve never done anything for anyone but me”. His voice was so close to a sob.
“What makes you think so?” Sam knitted his eyebrows together.
“I don’t think, Sam. I know”, Jack’s head turned to any direction but Sam. “And I also know that if you know why I’ve done what I’ve done, you no longer think that I’m worth anything”.
“It’d never be true, Jack. That would never cross my mind”, Sam pointed out.
“Because you’ve never known the truth”, Jack stood up from Sam.
“So tell me” Sam stood up as well.
Swallowing hardly, Jack finally made peace with it. He let go. “I did it to prove myself. I wanted everyone to see that I could be good, that I could do one good thing”. There’s a pause in his voice. “I did it because I wanted you to see that I was worth something. I did it to be accepted, to be wanted and to be-”, there’s an uncertainty somewhere. He breathed out, “loved”.
Sam was a bit of surprised. He didn’t know where all that came from. Clearly, he missed out a lot of things about Jack. All this time, he thought he had given Jack a home, but it’s so disappointed to know that Jack had been feeling the same as Sam used to be as a kid. It’s not a home for Jack that Sam had offered. It’s just a shelter full of hunters, deaths, pains and not a single of affection that Jack had always deserved.
“Jack”, Sam reached out to put his hand on the boy’s shoulder from behind. “And what makes you think that saying those would ever make me less care or less proud of you?”
Jack was shaking. The boy swallowed, held his breath. He stood still for awhile before he walked away from Sam’s touch. Jack’s head was down and so was his gaze. “I know you’re nice, Sam”, he said quietly. There’s something in his eyes that looked like pain, like the expression you had when you got rejected, a puppy that got kicked out of his beloved owner’s house. “But you don’t-”, something was squeezing his throat, asking him to stop before it’s too late.
I’m sorry, Sam. Goodnight”, Jack mumbled as he stormed out the room. In Sam’s surprise, the man outran Jack and blocked the boy’s way before he got a chance to touch the door. “Don’t what, Jack?” asked Sam with so much serious in his voice.
“It’s nothing, Sam. Just… I’m tired”, Jack excused himself, avoided Sam at all cost.
Sam’s chest was holding high. That’s his usual gesture whenever he’s about to fight, to tell people to cut the crap, to get whatever under the surface that he wanted. And he wanted to do it so bad, to push Jack to the edge where he couldn’t deny any longer and went straight to tell Sam whatever was bugging in that little head of his. Sam clenched his jaw and tightened his fist, looking down at Jack who looked scared and tiny and lost. God damn it. If it wasn’t Jack, he would love to punch something right there and then. But it’s Jack. It’s who Sam couldn’t hurt. Sam hated it so much that he even found guilty for things he hadn’t even done. Taking a deep breath, Sam tried to calm him down. “Jack”, his shoulders got loosen as he exhaled, “I’m not going to force you to tell me anything. So if you don’t wanna talk, that’s fine. Just know that I’m always here for you. Okay?” Sam forced a smile on his lips.
“What if I don’t wanna talk?” Jack asked. His eyes were tearing and his face was getting red. “What if I wanna hear?” Jack sniffed as tears were rising so strongly in those beautiful blue eyes of his.
“What do you wanna hear?” Sam asked. His head was tilting to a side.
“Words you have never said”, Jack’s lips was trembling.
Confusion was covering Sam’s expression. He didn’t understand exactly what Jack wanted to hear that he had never said. Yes, he had said a lot of things as well as not said a lot of stuff. But how on earth would he know precisely what Jack wanted to hear that Sam hadn’t offered? Because whatever Sam thought Jack needed, Sam had always gave them to him first of all. So right, the scene Sam was participating was pretty much confused the hell out of him.
“Jack”, Sam broke the silence, “I don’t know what you’re trying to say here”.
“Of course you don’t”, Jack swallowed his sob. “Because you don’t-”
“Don’t what?” Sam sounded so much frustrated at the moment.
Jack whispered in tears, finally gave in, “You don’t love me”. The sentence got Sam off guard. The man had never been this confused and diffident before.
Burying his face in his hands, Jack couldn’t stop himself from crying and trembling like an earthquake. Jack wanted to just disappear. He wished he could have died the last time when the archangel blade had been in his hands. He wished he could have just vanished instead of Dean, so that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have felt like a completely mess and failure. Jack’s shoulders were rising and falling nonstop. His knees were so weak that he’s sure he couldn’t stand still if there’s something knocked on him.
Trying to understand what’s going on, Sam couldn’t even bring himself to think more as he watched Jack sobbing. As his instinct, Sam closed the distance between them as he held Jack in his arms, head against his chest. Sam ran his head up and down Jack’s back, tried to calm the kid down. Jack didn’t hold anything back. He lost himself in those innocent touches of Sam. He wanted to stay like this forever. This was the first time in weeks, months even, he felt like he’s needed by someone. But Jack wasn’t a fool. He knew that whatever Sam’s doing, he’s doing it because he’s a nice man, not because he actually needed Jack. So as soon as Jack calmed down, the kid tried to lose himself from Sam.
“I’d better go”, Jack spoke with his eyes all red.
“Jack”, Sam put both of his hands on the other’s shoulders. “Why do you think that I don’t love you?”
Jack looked up but he didn’t answer, so Sam continued. “Just because I didn’t say it, it doesn’t mean that I don’t. Dean and I, we have never said that three words to each other, you know? And deep down, we love each other and we know it”, Sam smiled as he reached out to wipe the tears on Jack’s face. His long thumbs gently caressed the soft baby skin. “So don’t ever think, for once, that don’t love you, or that I love you less than the way I love my family, Jack. Because you’re one of it. You’re my family”.
Jack starred at Sam with his unsure, surprised eyes. Something in him just popped up. Something felt like hope, like hesitation, like doubts. It felt like Jack was debating, arguing, fighting with both the demon and angel on his shoulders. He didn’t know if it’s true, if he should believe in what Sam had said or shake them all to follow his own faith. But whatever it was, Jack still glued his eyes on Sam as if he tried to seek out a ray of lie in Sam. “But I…”, Jack started, “I’ve never loved you like that”.
“What?” Sam narrowed his eyes to get what the hell that meant. But before he could even understand what’s going on, he felt a pair of soft lips on his. Eyes widen, Sam found himself in a situation where both of Jack’s hands were holding his body, toes were tipping, and body was stretching to reach the older man. Sam was paralyzed. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t return the kiss, didn’t even breathe.
“Sam?” Jack asked as he parted their lips, looked at the hunter as if he’s looking for a praise or complimentary, something, anything. But nothing happened. All he got back was just a numb Sam who couldn’t even form his words for what had just happened.
“W-What”, Sam started, opened and closed his mouth at the same time. “Jack… What did you do?”
“I-I… It’s a kiss”, he began with so much perplexity in his voice. “That’s what people do when they love each other, right?”
“Well…”, Sam licked his lip. And it’s a mistake as soon as he did it, because now he could be aware of the taste of Jack’s lips on his. “It’s true. But we don’t do that here”. He tried to explain.
“Why? It’s because I’m a male?” Jack’s worried.
“No, Jack. It’s cuz…” Sam lost his vocabulary for real. “Because we’re adults. And we don’t do that kind of kiss anymore when we’re adults, even between father and son, ya know?” Sam hoped Jack would understand.
“But I’m just 1 year old”, Jack tilted his head.
“True. But well, your body isn’t that. So”, Sam pointed out.
“I know”, Jack replied. “I know my body isn’t 1. That’s why”, Jack said as he approached Sam who now took a couple of steps back. “That’s why it’s been screaming for weeks, been uncomfortable for weeks”, the kid took several steps forwards.
“F-for what?” Sam was a bit anxious at the moment.
“For you”, Jack simply said.
“Jack. You don’t know what you’re talking about”, Sam’s body was shaking a bit. He startled as his feet hit the bed.
“I might not know about a lot of things, Sam. But this? This, I am sure”, Jack said as he ran his hand under Sam’s thin fabric, caused the man all kind of shiver. Sam gulped, hot breath escaped his lips. “Been wanting you since the first day, Sam”, Jack said as he put his lips on Sam’s neck, drew a moan out to fill the place. Licking Sam’s sensitive skin, Jack whispered hotly against it. “Been afraid that you don’t love me back. But not anymore”, Jack smiled against the well touched skin.
Failing to hold back a moan, Sam couldn’t help but gasp. “Jack. This is wrong. We- ah”, Sam got cut off by Jack’s teeth sink in his skin. It’d been such a long time since he ever got laid. It had never even occurred his mind with everything had been going on. And now there’s this boy offered himself for Sam. Sam would be a fool to say no. But he must say no. Sam wasn’t a dirty pervert. He knew that whatever he’s going to do, he would never be able to undo it. And the last thing he wanted to do was shatter another good relationship that he’s lucky to have.
Jack continued to step forward, forced Sam to keep on taking step back until he reached to the point where he couldn’t even take any other step. He bit, licked and sucked as if he’s hungry, as if Sam’s his one last meal on earth. The boy was so needy at the moment. His hands were everywhere and nowhere. The younger attacked Sam with his weight as he finally clinched his own body on Sam, mouth never for once left Sam’s skin. Wrapping his legs around Sam’s hips, Jack moaned Sam’s name nonstop as he continued to explore each inch on Sam’s skin.
And Sam, God bless his soul, had no other choice to wrap his arms around Jack to keep the boy from falling. His mind kept telling him no, but his body said otherwise. Sam panted at the sensation. The feeling of being needed was so strong that he just wanted to give in, to take what Jack offered. Biting his lips to keep his mouth from devouring Jack already, Sam finally whimpered through his messy breath. “Jack, please. Please don’t do this”. He wanted to cry.
“You’ve been stressed lately”, Jack pushed his half-hard cock which was begging him for a relief in his jeans against Sam’s stomach. “Let me take care of you, Sam”, Jack went on while sucking Sam’s earlobe. “Let me do one good thing for you”, haunting voice was everywhere in Sam’s ears. “Please”, Jack begged before Sam swore he heard a smirk. “Daddy?”
And that’s it. Sam lost it. He groaned before throwing Jack on beg the way he threw his morality out of the window. Jack just grinned as if he’s won a spelling contest.