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It was a completely normal day aboard the Thousand Sunny, which meant, of course, that the vessel that was to take the future king of pirates across every sea was full of morons being moronic.
One might not assume that was the case at first. Usopp, for example, would to an untrained eye look like he was simply doing some simple and harmless tinkering. It was only upon closer inspection that one would find that what he was tinkering was in fact not harmless at all, but a creation of destruction rivaling that of the ancient weapons themselves- the dreaded Tabasco Star.
Then there was Luffy. Blissfully unaware of the instrument of pain and suffering that was constructed beneath his very nose and currently in the middle of banging the door to the kitchen, partly because he was hungry and partly because he wanted to see how loud he could bang. (The answer to that question was, unsurprisingly, ”very loud”) The loud noises did not appear to speed up Sanji’s cooking, however, because it took him about as long as usual to finish what others might refer to as a ”sturdy meal” and Luffy gleefully announced was a ”great snack”.
Usopp saw his moment.
”BIRD!” He shouted at the top of his lungs, and gestured out to sea. This instantly caught Luffy’s attention and while his attention was focused on the possibility of seeing a bird Usopp- with the stealth of a panther- snuck one of his deadly weapons into Luffy’s food.
Unbeknownst to Usopp, he had just set off what might be best described as a most unfortunate chain of events, which unfolded in mere seconds. The moment Luffy’s food met his tongue he screamed in agony, spitting fire like the legendary beast his father was named after. The captain of the strawhats and commander of its grand fleet threw his entire body backwards, hitting Sanji who had been busy trying to look as heterosexual as possible. Sanji took exactly three steps forward, the third one hitting Zoro in the chest.
Zoro had been trying to sleep. He’d had a very tiring day (His schedule- had he had one of those- would have looked something like ”6:00- wake up and fight Sanji, 7:45- eat breakfast and end up fighting Sanji, 10:00- fight Sanji because he might have been looking at you funny”) and would probably have preferred not to be stepped on in that specific moment.
It became apparent that that was the case, because Zoro was on his feet faster than anyone present would have thought humanly possible. Anyone else might have started the argument at relatively normal conversation volume, but Zoro and Sanji had the routine down by now and as such decided to skip the formalities and start by screaming something wildly inappropriate at each other. It only took them a few seconds to go from that to all out sword-to-well-polished-shoes-fighting, so all in all it wasn’t really anything unusual.
What was unusual, however, was Nami’s reaction.
”That’s enough!” She stomped over to the two fighters, her eyes promising even more violence if the current violence didn’t end immediately. Sanji happily obliged, and Zoro did the same since fighting someone who didn’t fight back just wasn’t the same thing.
”I’m so sorry if I caused you any trouble my dear Nami I do hope you can forgive-”
”Shut the fuck up! And Zoro don’t try and run away from this!”
That wasn’t what Zoro had been doing.
At all.
He’d just seen something interesting on the other end of the ship and decided that crawling there as silently as possible was the best way of getting to it.
He wouldn’t run away.
”Right” Nami massaged, her temples- a habit she’d picked up after joining the strawhat crew ”I’m gonna need you two to sit here and listen to me for two fucking seconds, okay. We can’t have you two, and I cannot stress this enough, fight literally all the time. Not only is it annoying, you’re ruining the ship. Franky’s had to fix the railing three times today already for God’s sake!”
”One of those was Luffy’s fault, but I super agree with you” Franky looked upset even though Zoro and Sanji’s light bickering had only led to the railing getting shattered twice. They may not have agreed on much, but both of them really thought this wasn’t the time to be so negative.
”This isn’t the time to be so negative Franky” Sanji said.
”Yeah, remember that day you had to fix it like, definitely more than three times?” Zoro added, proving that he was capable of teamwork, even with Sanji, when their lives were at risk.
”I’m not being negative, I’m stating facts”
”You wanna hear facts? Your speedos are too small and totally lets everyone see your d-”
”I have a deal” Nami cut in, since it looked like they were about to get off topic ”We’re about to land on an island and if you two can keep from fighting the entire time you’re there I’ll write all of-” She caught herself ”I’ll write half of your debts off, got it?”
Now, as stated at the beginning of this story and all too apparent from the previous adventures of the notorious strawhat pirates: Zoro and Sanji were both morons.
However, they knew an opportunity when they saw one and as such immediately agreed, then almost started fighting again when they couldn’t agree on how to pronounce ”agreed”.
A few hours later they landed on the island and Zoro and Sanji somehow ended up going into town together, but only after Nami insisted that the ”no fighting”- rule extended to everyone around them as well. Meaning they couldn’t fight anyone and had both lost their purposes in life and Nami and Usopp could rest a little easier with the threat of having to leave the island chased by marines for once being a little less impending. Luffy and Robin just found it hilarious for different reasons.
Zoro and Sanji walked into town muttering heartfelt compliments at each other as threateningly as they could manage, since that apparently didn’t count as fighting.
”You know I deeply fucking appreciate you as a crewmate and friend” Sanji growled.
”Oh yeah?” Zoro’s eyebrow twitched dangerously ”Well guess what, your hair looks really nice when you wear it like that”
”Thank you” It sounded like Sanji had just cursed Zoro and ten generations of his offspring ”Your earrings look really fucking nice”
”It makes me simply overjoyed that you think so since you’re so good at picking out clothes and such”
”Excuse me” A marine who looked a little nervous said.
”Not now” Zoro and Sanji said at the same time.
”Fair enough” The marine nodded and kept going, looking more nervous than ever. Zoro and Sanji completely ignored him and continued into town. They had stopped complimenting each other for the time being and just smiled at each other in the least friendly way anyone passing by them had ever seen.
The moment they stepped into the very calm and peaceful town they were approached by more marines. One of them was holding a bunch of wanted posters. He looked like he was in the middle of adding two and two together.
”Excuse me” He patted Zoro on the back which was a sure fire way of pissing Zoro off, Sanji could vouch for. Zoro just grunted and avoided the marine’s gaze as if that would make the three swords at his side less notable.
”What do you want?” Sanji asked. He sounded very rude, but he was fairly certain he wasn’t fighting yet.
”You two are under arrest” The marine proclaimed, much too confident considering he’d seen both Zoro and Sanji’s bounties just a few seconds ago. Sanji wanted to kick his teeth in (Though that was pretty much how he felt 80% of the time).
”No we’re not” He deadpanned. The marine looked a little startled at that.
”Yes…Yes you are” He insisted, pointing an accusing finger at Sanji ”You’re Black Leg Sanji, right?”
”What makes you think that?”
”This poster, which has a picture of you on it” The marine waved the piece of paper between him and Sanji.
”Can I see that?” Sanji extended his hand towards the marine, who hesitantly handed the poster over. Sanji looked at it for about five seconds, before lifting his gaze. Never once breaking eye contact with the marine he tore it into halves, then tore those halves into halves. Just to make his point as clear as possible he then put one of the quarters into his mouth and chewed it while the marine stared in shock, unable to say anything.
When Sanji took the next piece of wanted poster and put it in his mouth (Without saying anything, which further unnerved the poor marine) the marine decided he’d had enough of the blonde madman and turned to Zoro instead.
”You-” He began, but was cut off by Zoro slowly raising his arms. All marines present prepared themselves for an attack, but were instead stunned to see Zoro flex one, single, solitary time.
They then watched in awe as pieces of fabric that had once been Zoro’s shirt fell to the ground like snow upon a barren wasteland. Sanji paused his paper eating for a moment to appreciate Zoro’s feat in a way that would make him look as heterosexual as possible. It didn’t work as well as he might have hoped, partly because his mouth was full of paper.
The marines stared. Sanji stared. Everyone in town stared. It wasn’t until someone hit a lamppost with a loud ”Clang” that everyone seemed to snap out of their trance.
A few marines hurried over to the woman who had hit the lamppost (She was now unconscious, but would eventually end up fine and claim it was all worth it) and some others tried to pick up bits of the ruined shirts as discreetly as possible. Sanji thoughtfully finished his systematic destruction of the wanted poster and lit a cigarette. Zoro looked a little cold, even in the hot weather, leaving Sanji with a dilemma. He could a) let Zoro freeze and suffer the same fate as the woman who was still unconscious or b) give Zoro his jacket. The thing about option b was that he couldn’t blame it on not wanting to look at Zoro or something similar, since insulting definitely counted as fighting, which meant Zoro might think he was trying to be nice or something.
Which he wasn’t.
At all.
If anything he was being super rude, he just couldn’t figure out why.
”Here” He handed Zoro his jacket, trying his best not to stare.
”Thanks” Zoro muttered. He did look grateful for the jacket, even if it didn’t fit him at all. There was a great risk it could end up suffering the same fate as Zoro’s own shirt, and Sanji really didn’t need that happening to a jacket he really liked, so he grabbed Zoro’s sleeve and dragged him away from the still shocked marines.
”We’ll have to get you something you can actually wear”
”I don’t have any money”
”I’ll lend you some”
”I though the point of this was to get me out of debt”
”Fine! Then you’ll owe me a favor instead, how’s that?”
Zoro considered it for a moment.
”Better” He finally decided and let himself get dragged along to a shop that looked way too fancy for him.
After trying out a large assortment of different shirts Sanji seemed to give up because he just bought a t-shirt that was almost Zoro’s size. It sat a little tight over his chest but he figured he’d wear it out eventually.
To everyone it was a mystery if Zoro knew the effect he had on his surroundings (In this case mainly referring to Sanji) or if he somehow didn’t notice an additional three people walking into lampposts as he passed by. Sanji would like to believe the latter, especially after he joined the increasing list of people who had walked into lampposts because of Zoro that day. The truth was that Zoro had noticed and not cared until then. When everyone else did it it was their problem, but when Sanji did it it was hilarious and Zoro had been longing for a way to piss the cook off without actually fighting for a while now.
By the time they walked home Zoro had made a list of incidents he’d caused Sanji during the day (”Slipping on nothing: 13 times, walking into random objects: 36 times, walking into trashcans specifically: 6 times”) and felt pretty accomplished. The fact that Sanji had started unbuttoning his shirt at some point didn’t bother him in the slightest and so what if Sanji made a list of all the incidents he’d caused Zoro today? Zoro was convinced it was much shorter in that case (It wasn’t. It was a tie) and that Sanji was cheating anyway, however he’d manage to do that.
Their pondering was interrupted as, for the third time that day, they were approached by marines. One might assume all marines were strong believers in the expression ”Third time’s the charm” but really they just didn’t know when to give up.
When they saw the group approaching Sanji immediately turned to Zoro, but before he could say anything Zoro shook his head.
”I’m not breaking another shirt”
”And I’m not eating any more paper”
”I really don’t think that was good for you to be honest”
”Worried about me are we?”
”Don’t be- Shit the marines are getting closer” Zoro was right. The marines were getting closer.
”Hey! You two” Their leader shouted. He stomped over to Zoro and Sanji, looking rather annoyed ”You’re not getting away this time”
Sanji sighed.
”If we fight these bastards, will you promise not to tell dear Nami?”
”Are you kidding me? Yes!” Zoro lit up like a christmas tree and unsheathed two of his swords which made the marines realize they’d committed a huge mistake. Before they’d even had time to turn away Sanji had knocked their leader out with a swift kick to the face. He grinned at Zoro.
”Bet I can defeat more than you”
”Oh it’s on, dartboard” Zoro grinned back. He found fighting shared enemies to be a much better way to spend time with Sanji, even if he’d never admit it to anyone.
At least that’s what he thought at the moment, but on the way back to Sunny he may or may not have let slip something along those lines and gotten called an idiot for it.
He’d later blame it on hitting his head in town ”or something like that” and since no one could find out why he’d said something like that he mainly did that to himself in a futile attempt at denial. Plus one time to Sanji after which he immediately took it back because trying to cover up that you were complimenting someone proved really hard if you did it while kissing them.
He got called an idiot again.