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"...you don't think you deserve to be loved." Castiel's lips barely moved, and his eyes widened. The ocean blue in them shimmered as the realization hit him, that the reason that the Righteous Man fought him was because he didn't think he was worthy. A deep sadness engulfed the angel, swirling in his gut, that this beautiful man could be so blind. How could he not see? How could he not understand? He was the Righteous Man-Castiel had broken into the fire, the bloody Pit, and watched as his brothers lay dying in the sulfuric fumes, flames licking around their bodies. He had charged through the waters of Acheron and the screams of the Damned had filled his ears, struggled through the violent wind and the icy rain, broke through the banks of Styx and the city of Dis, run through the burning tombs, battled the Minotaur and faced the beast Azazel, all to see Dean's tortured, scathed soul and be mesmerized by its beauty. Even then, Castiel had loved him. Even then, he had been awed by the human.
***
Dean's throat tightened as he fought the words. They voiced his unwritten code-his promise to himself-that there was a reason everyone eventually left him. Some part of him was broken, and had been as long as he could remember, that made people leave. Tears burned at the corners of his eyes, and he took a deep breath, refusing to let them fall. It hurt like hell to hear the words spoken aloud, words that the wisps of had haunted the shadows of his mind. The hunter stared at Cas, not saying anything for fear of a tremor in his voice. He was stronger than this, dammit. He fought the growing lump in his throat, growing stiffer with each swallow; fought to regulate his breathing; fought to hold up the arrogant front that he always held whenever he was vulnerable. The angel's eyes widened, and something deep lurked behind the surface in the gentle sea of his eyes. Dean couldn't identify it. It seemed to engulf Cas, pulling him deep into thought. Was it...hesitation? Rejection? Disgust? Dean blanched. A sigh escaped the angel's lips. He looked down at the ground, tousled black curls shining in the warm light. So this was how it was going to happen. This was how Cas was going to figure out that he was unfixable, damaged, and that there was a reason that everyone had left him. Even Sam knew he was unrecoverable. Dammit, he'd tried so hard to be loyal to everyone who ever asked, everyone he loved, but he still wasn't good enough. Still wasn't worthy enough.
***
Castiel stared at the hunter's eyes and saw right through him, right to his core. The answer was plain, written on his beautiful face, in the line of his sculptured jaw. No. No, he didn't think he deserved to be loved. Castiel felt a surge of shame, and he bowed his head and huffed. Dean had been betrayed more times than he could count, by everyone-including Cas. Father, how could he be so stupid? How could he betray his Righteous Man? He looked up again, looked into the lush green of Dean's eyes. Castiel saw the sadness there, and the expectation. That Cas would leave, like everyone else had. The thought saddened him again; then, filled him with a burning determination. He would make Dean see what he saw, make him see the beautiful, strong, utterly human male standing in front of him.
"Dean," he said firmly, to gain the hunter's focus again.
"Yeah?" Dean answered huskily, swallowing hard. Castiel watched as his throat stretched out and settled back into place. The angel stared at his hunter for a long moment, trying to think of the right words. He didn't want to push the man away, and his people skills were, at best, rusty; but all he could think was praise that Dean would consider to cause a 'chick-flick moment.' He gave a mental sigh of exasperation, and decided to stick to the basics.
"You're wrong," Castiel said softly. "You deserve more."
Dean's eyes went wide for a moment, shock registering in his eyes. It took him a moment, and he drew a shaky breath. "That's what you think?" The hunter asked throatily. The angel nodded.
Dean's jaw tightened. "Fuck you, Cas," he growled, and spun around on his heel to stalk out of the room. His boots pounded the carpet and he left. An icy feeling washed over Castiel. Panic. This was not his intention, not at all. What had gone wrong?
***
He couldn't fucking believe it. Every time. Every time he opened himself up like this, he was hurt. Someday, Dean would be smart enough to shut himself down for good. He fought angry tears as he stalked to the door. How much had he suffered? More that 40 years, that was for damn sure. And Cas had gone and told him he deserved more.
"Dean." Castiel's voice was-god, it was like a damn hook. Somewhat against his will, Dean stopped and glanced over his shoulder. "What, Cas? What the hell do you want?"
The angel exhaled. "I am confused, Dean...I don't understand-"
"Just keep your damn opinions to yourself!" The hunter shouted. The room was still for a moment. Castiel sighed. "You deserve more," he said defiantly, quietly. The air was filled with a bitter tension. Cas crossed his arms over his chest. Dean glowered. Whipping around, he faced angel, and, masking his hurt with anger, he put as much venom into his words as he could.
"Say you're right, Cas. Say for one damn minute I deserve it." He took a deep breath. "That I haven't suffered enough for you to be satisfied. That I'm so fucking awful I don't even deserve to be tolerated-"
***
Heat flared up in Castiel's stomach. Was that what he thought? That he wanted Dean to suffer more? Anger suffocated the angel, that he'd allowed it to get this far. His vision turned red, and he lunged-
***
Castiel threw himself against Dean's body, marching him back forcefully. The man's back slammed up against the wall and bounced slightly; pain radiated throughout his body from his center. Damn, Cas was quick. Dean braced for a punch and felt hands roughly grab his jaw. The stubble scraped against the angel's palms, and Dean looked into his eyes. They were wild; a hurricane chopped the waves of blue into a furious storm. Castiel was breathing hard, and the expression on his face was one that Dean had seen only when was about to hurt someone. Electricity sparked between them. A brief fear flashed, and he was worried that Cas might snap his neck. Hell, he looked angry enough. The angel lunged his face towards Dean's. The man expected the pain of a headbutt, but instead felt...lips. Brutal and forceful they were, filled with passion, dark emotion, and heat. They were also soft, smooth, and Dean's mind blanked as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on. If he wanted this. His subconscious made his decision for him, and his arms curled up to rest his hands on Cas's shoulders as the angel smacked three long, angry kisses on him. Castiel pulled away, lowering his head and breathing hard, while Dean stood stock still. The man waited for the angel to catch his breath. Castiel's hands, which apparently had traveled to Dean's shoulders during the kiss, balled up his shirt into fists. When Cas spoke, it sounded like the words were being pulled out of him.
"What I meant was that you deserved-that you didn't deserve-any of it. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be cherished. You..." Cas couldn't speak anymore. His throat had closed. Still panting, he raised his head, he looked into the cool greens of Dean's eyes. "Cas," the man whispered softly. Castiel opened his mouth again, but no words came out. He broke the stare and looked off to the side, his swallow sticking in his throat. A moment passed. The lack of sound was deafening. A thousand thoughts ran through Dean's mind. He...deserved to be...loved? Cherished? How did that make sense, when Cas said he deserved- Oh. Fuck. Dean mentally smacked himself in the head. How could he be so stupid? Cas had said he deserved more...more, not more suffering.
Both of them stood there, not saying a word. Cas’s emotions had turned into an angry smolder, a dying eruption, but Dean could still read anger in the rigidness of the angel’s stance. Castiel’s breath evened and his fists relaxed, and he felt a deep exhaustion creep into his mind. Emotion was tiresome, he thought bitterly.
“Look, just don’t...don’t think about yourself that way. It would not be wise to partake in that sort of thought. Understand?” The weariness bled into the angel’s voice, and he still avoided Dean’s eyes, settling instead for his collarbone. A grey feeling passed through the hunter seeing Cas like this, burnt out and dejected. Slowly, gently, he reached out his hand for the angel’s intently watching his face all the while. Castiel’s hand was warm against his, and the shock of it made Cas lock eyes with him. The expression on the angel’s face was one of cautious hope, and a sureness in the emerald eyes of the hunter assured the angel enough to wrap his hand around the rough, calloused skin of the man. Dean’s mind swirled.
"You...I'm...sorry, Cas, I...didn't mean...god...-"
The angel shut him up with a glare. "You deserve better, Dean. I want better for you," the angel said simply. It made the hunter's heart ache. The two males stood there, for awhile, unsure of what to do with themselves. While Castiel's thoughts had settled into a grey buzz, Dean's were on fire. Cas had kissed him. Cas had kissed him, and- He wasn't sure about it. No, well, maybe he was-he'd let the angel do it-but...Dean had repressed those thoughts, those dreams of touching Castiel, and tried so hard to not think about what the cleanup afterwards meant. He ran through the conversation in his head, Cas's voice mixing up the phrase 'to be loved' with the word 'better. You deserve to be loved. You deserve better. I want better for you.
"...Cas?" Dean asked. "Yes?" The hunter hesitated before speaking. Just rip it off, like a band-aid. "Do you love me?"
There was a pause, the answer was surprisingly anti-climatic for something so uneasy. "Yes. Yes, I do."
Dean inhaled, closing his eyes. "How long?"
"Since I found you. Since I raised you from Hell." The hunter exhaled, and when he opened his eyes, he found the angel staring at him.
"Do you hate me for that?"
"What? No, of course not." More silence, a silence that stretched so long Dean could clearly hear the buzzing from the electricity emitted from the lamp before Cas spoke again.
"Do you...feel anything?"
"Can you say that again?"
"What, exactly?"
"What you said before. That you...love me. I want you to say it."
Castiel gave a sad smile and said in a gentle voice, "I love you, Dean Winchester." The words touched a naked part of Dean that he rarely let be affected. If Sam was here, he'd be teased mercilessly. He swallowed, the spit dragging against his dry throat.
"I love you too, Cas."
It was quiet for a moment. The angel nodded gravely. "I understand," he said, and a smile creeped up at the corner of Dean's mouth. Dorky little guy.
"Do you want me?" Dean asked.
"Yes." Simple answer again, damn. For as much as Cas claimed his people skills were rusty, he could be blunt every once in a while. Dean caught Cas's eye, catching the ocean blues with his mossy greens. Lifting his hand up, he cupped the side of Cas's face, kissing gently, and it didn't take long for the angel to start the kiss back. Dean kissed him again, long and slow, the hunter slightly open-mouthed against Castiel's chaste replies. The angel reached up and palmed the back of the hunter's neck, pulling closer. Dean stepped forward, his body pinning Cas up against the wall; heat and the feeling of solid flesh up against him sending a twinge to his semi-hard cock, stiffening it like a taut rubber band. Breaking the kiss, he sucked his breath in from between his teeth when he felt the scrape of denim against the cotton dress pants. One bulge pressed against another. Well then. At least he didn't have to check if Cas was hard. A gasp came from the angel, a look of wonder and surprise on his face. He was still a...virgin, wasn't he? Yes, he must be, to react like that. Dean, watching him, placed his hands on the angel's hips, holding them in place. Castiel swallowed hard, and the hunter watched as his Adam's apple bobbed. Keeping his left hand on the angel's hip, Dean lifted his hand up and cupped Cas's jaw, leaning in and smacking wet kisses on him. Castiel pushed against Dean's lips, kissing him back. The hunter smiled to himself as he could feel the innocence slowly draining away from the angel. Silently, Dean dropped his hand from Cas's jaw and hooked his thumb underneath the buckle of Cas's belt, giving a sharp tug. The breath shut off in the angel's lungs. Dean chuckled.
***
Mercy, he was so close. Castiel trembled; he could feel the heat from both Dean's mouth and his thumb, both vying for his attention. The air was burning in his lungs. The only thing he could feel internally was the warming pull of oxygen and his heart pounding in his chest. It had happened so fast. He'd dreamed about this so many times, and it was finally happening; it was so much more intense than he'd managed to picture. His blurry thoughts were pierced by a sharp tug around his hips; his lungs shut off. He was afraid he'd cry out and ruin the moment. A low, dark chuckle sounded from the hunter's throat, and Dean moved his lips down to mouth at the angel's neck. Castiel closed his eyes, and the warmth of Dean's thumb shifted as the hunter moved his hand from the belt buckle to the solid swell. The angel heard a soft sound, and realized with a vague detachment that he had made it. All he could focus on was the pleasure; it blurred his other senses in waves of stroking fingers, blunt and warm and fuck, he thought, unable to form anything more that a simple thought. The sensation filled him, ran through him. "Please." The word was torn from him. Castiel didn't know what exactly he was begging for, only that he desperately needed it.
***
"Please." It was a whimper, so soft and gentle it stirred a long-dormant excitement deep within Dean, his stomach quaking. As if the angel's shivering moan hadn't stirred him up enough. Savoring the sweet taste of bare skin, he fingered Cas's cock through the cotton, firm and heavy in his hand. As he got closer to the tip, he noticed a dampness. Precome. Dean tried really, really hard not to think about what it would taste like-warm, salty, probably sticking to the back of his throat for hours afterward... Woah there. The hunter fought to regulate his breathing and cursed himself for his control. He couldn't rush this. This was Cas for god's sake, not some faceless woman he'd fuck and truck. Slow. Control it. Slow. Contr- "Dean." Cas's voice was gravel. Dammit, Cas, Dean thought, as he lifted his mouth up from the angel's neck and stared into his eyes. There was a hunger in them, a wildness. It reminded Dean of the time Cas was Castiel, Angel of The Lord, a feral, dangerous thing whose power knew no bounds.
"Please. Please," The angel said forcefully. "I...please, Dean." The words had a powerful effect on the human, that kind of dominant begging. Dean swallowed. Hard. His gaze not leaving Castiel's eyes, Dean used both of his hands to unbuckle the angel's belt. They were both shaking now; at least Cas had started breathing again. Though, Dean had to admit, hearing the angel say his name with his voice husky with pleasure was incredible.
***
Castiel started panting when Dean pulled down the hem of his pants and boxers, exposing his naked cock to the cool air. Cas could feel the blood rushing through his veins. The sensation in his stomach...it was like a deep quake, impacting his grace. A sound of want escaped his lips, and this time, he was aware of it. His throat was so tight he wasn't sure if he could continue begging if he wanted to. The first bare stroke brought a pleasure so intense it was almost pain, the contrast in temperature seared into his skin. Castiel cursed aloud. Forks of electricity streaked through his body, and he let out a desperate whimper.
***
Christ, this was hot. Watching the angel slowly come undone, Dean might have been a bit more eager that he should have, and lowered the hem of both Cas's pants and also his boxers. Once again, the hunter mentally cursed himself for the lack of control- "Fuck," Castiel groaned, panting as his cock became newly exposed. The hunter almost stopped in shock. The times that Dean had seen the angel cuss out loud had been limited, and a proud smirk came to the hunter's mouth as he started to trace his fingers along the firm skin. He tightened his grip, pulling his hand all the way down towards the tip, which had a bead of precome. The angel whimpered, and Dean's breath shivered in arousal.
"Dean," Castiel gasped suddenly. He lurched forward, grabbing onto the hunter's shoulders.
"I got you, Cas," Dean said.
"Stop." Castiel was forceful, certain. As confused as the hunter was, he did what the angel said.
It took Cas a moment to be able to speak. "What about you?" Cas asked, licking his dry lips.
Dean huffed in amusement. "I'll be fine, Cas. Damn, you almost gave me a heart attack there."
"I want you," Castiel said quietly. "I want to touch you. I want...you."
Dean savored the sight of his angel like this-messy hair, open-mouthed panting, clutching onto him, cock rigid enough to hold a sail; checks flushed and flesh shaking. The hunter nodded. Cas, looking determined, eyed Dean's ACDC shirt like it was a puzzle that needed to be solved. He looked the man in the eye and grinned, scrunching the hem of the shirt in his hands. Dean hissed harshly when the angel's cold fingers touched so close to his cock. Smiling wider, Cas pulled the shirt over the hunter's head, stretching up on his toes to do so. Dean flung his shirt to the side of the room.
***
The angel was wearing a grin on his face, like he was a kid who had been given an all-rides-pass to Disneyland. Never had he thought that this would happen; the emotions that he felt he could only describe as amazement and joy. For so long had he thought that his vessel's-no, his-lust would be viewed only with disgust. He ran his hands up Dean's newly exposed chest, savoring the firm warmth, and paused when he touched just above his hunter's heart. The man had twitched when he had done that. Curiously, Castiel felt the small, fleshy bud; he had a pair on his own chest, and he wondered why it affected Dean so much when he played with them. As he prodded and poked the stiff little things, he felt Dean's breath catch in his chest.
"Cas," the hunter groaned, and the angel looked at him. Putting his hand under the angel's chin, Dean kissed Castiel. After a moment, he slipped the trenchcoat of Cas's shoulders, pulling off the suit jacket as well. The angel waited, and was rewarded with the hunter's warm lips while his fingers loosened his tie and worked the buttons through their respective slits. Dean undid the tie all the way, chucking it across the room along with the angel's shirt. Castiel shivered at the open air. He wasn't cold, he noticed with a sort of detached curiosity; rather, he was warm. Very warm. When Dean's hands moved to undo his own belt, Cas felt a surge of impulse, and stopped him. At the hunter's questioning eyes, he simply said, "Let me. I want to do it." With a soft smile, the angel bowed his head, and quickly busied himself with he buckle. With a not-so-gentle tug, the contraption undid in his hands. Snaking the leather out of the loops, Castiel gently tossed the belt and it landed on the carpet with a dull thud. He looked up at Dean, and their mouths met.
***
The hunter pushed his tongue in-between the angel's lips, pushing against Castiel's own. It was warm; very soft; and sweet, too, almost like spearmint and alcohol. The effect was intoxicating. Cas unbuttoned the hunter's jeans hastily, yanking them down; Dean pulled them all the way off, moving but not breaking the kiss. The angel did the same for himself once the hunter stilled. Dean pushed himself closer to Castiel's body; almost touching but not quite, the warmth radiating between them unbearably teasing.
***
It was Cas that closed the space between them, by dragging a hand down the hunter's shoulders and all the way to where the curve of his ass started, and pushing him up against him. The contact of their erections pressing together caused Castiel to cry out a breathless moan into Dean's mouth, while the hunter's breath gusted in his throat. The space between them was closed, with Cas's naked back pressed against the wall. Keeping his hand on his human's curve, Castiel slipped his other hand around Dean's ribcage, holding him. The hunter leaned forward, one hand curled against Cas's face, fingers buried in his hair; the other was braced against the wall. Dean bucked his hips towards the angel's, the slide of skin nearly sent him mindless. They rocked against one another, and their breathing devolved into ragged gasps. Sparks flew where their naked skin touched.
"Dean," Castiel panted. "Dean."
"Cas," the hunter replied softly. "My angel."
They kissed again, and their bodies fit together, like two dancing pieces of a puzzle. Only breaking apart for desperate breath. Thrusting, bucking, needing; groaning, begging, pleading; they pushed together, sweat dripping down their bodies, minds numb with everything except pleasure and this deepness. It impacted their very cores, how right this was, how they belonged together. How did they think it could end up as anything other than this? Cas reached up and nested his fingers deep in his hair. The angel's own was already mussed from passion. He closed his eyes and was whispered Dean's name, sacred as a prayer. All the times that the hunter had prayed to him, it was time to repay the favor. Dean looked into the face of his angel, wondering how the hell he could have repressed this for so long. He looked so beautiful in his arms. Dean savored all the sounds that came from his lover's throat, deep and gasping, letting the sound marinate in his ears. Castiel felt a strange sensation then, deep within him; a pressure slowly building, like he was about to explode.
"Dean," he said urgently, and squeezed tightly on the man, leaving red handprints on his back. The hunter knew exactly what it was-he was barely holding on himself-and he knew that the angel had always had trouble expressing normal emotion, let alone intense ones for extended periods of time.
"Just let it happen, Cas, it's okay," whispered Dean huskily to his lover. "Let it go, babe. Come for me."
Castiel trembled, getting nearer. He felt like he was going to be torn apart at the seams, how could he possibly stand still? He could barely breathe even though he was gasping for air, spiraling, spiraling down; the pressure rising and rising and pushing... He exploded all at once, with such force that it felt as if the Earth quaked beneath him. He spasmed and groaned, clawing into the flesh of Dean's back. The only he could say was his lover's name, and he said it over and over as the hunter came with him. They writhed, stunned by the intensity, until it was over and they collapsed on the ground, the sweat cooling on their skin. It was quiet for a little while. The sound of panting regulated into a steady rhythm in the cool air. They lay together, comfortable in each other's arms. Castiel's mind wondered in a haze, and Dean laid still, not wanting to spoil the movement. It was Cas that broke the silence.
"This doesn't have to change anything about us," Cas said quietly.
"Of course it does," Dean answered. Castiel turned and looked into the eyes of his human. Such deep color in those eyes, he thought. There was a pause. Dean's face brightened, and a smile painted his lips. His eyes looked like they were lit from within.
"I wouldn't have it any other way, Cas," he said, taking the angel's hand in his own and squeezing gently. "I wouldn't have it any other way."