Chapter Text
Levi hates children. He’d hated them when he was one and he hates them now. They are sticky and loud and needy.
This one is very needy, but she’s not loud right now.
Levi hates children.
He hates when they are on his table, so painfully small even his delicate, steady hands are always a hair away from catastrophe. He hates when an entire life is sliced open at his fingertips.
Not like old men with families in the waiting room.
Not like mothers or fathers or sisters or uncles.
Not like friends with so many threads tying them to someone else.
An entire life.
The little thing he’s staring at is the middle of a spiral that hasn’t grown yet, a tiny seed, a start. A start with so much to come next.
Levi hates children.
He hates them so much it makes his chest ache.
He hates even more that he has to do this. Of all the specialties for him to stumble into, all the directions his life has forced him to follow, pediatric surgery is the last turn he would have taken if he had seen it coming. But what was he supposed to do when the only other surgeon in the hospital capable of doing this was out of town for the holidays? What was he supposed to do when a car accident mutilated twin toddler boys and they’d needed two sets of hands? What was he supposed to do when there was simply no one else who could help?
If he’d known he would wind up here, wind up with people referring to him as one of the best pediatric surgeons in the state when he’d never made any attempt to claim the specialty, he’d have picked a different profession all together. I don’t specialize in pediatrics, he kept saying. But children kept needing help. And Levi kept being relentlessly good at his job.
Levi fucking hates children.
This one is small, even for her age, which is only a few weeks.
She’d been in a car accident. Halfway through the procedure, Levi lifts his head, rolls his neck, lets one of the nurses hold up a bottle of water with a straw so he can drink and asks almost absently, “How’s the mother?”
The nurse frowns sadly. She doesn’t need to tell Levi more.
So Levi goes back to work.
He hates children.
But this one isn’t going to die.
*
She doesn’t die.
Levi doesn’t learn her name until a day later, when he’s following up in the NICU.
Isabel.
Isabel is small for her age. She has brown skin and brilliant blue eyes. On the third day when Levi goes to check on her, he finds her awake. She stares up at him and he has the strangest thought that she has Erwin’s eyes.
Of course, most babies do. And she’s small enough still that her eyes may get darker. They probably will, given how brown her skin is.
*
On the fourth day, Petra looks up at him when he walks into the nursery.
“That’s four days in a row you’ve come to visit us, Dr. Ackerman,” she teases. Intensive care is her wheelhouse. She rotates between the ICU and the NICU, but Levi knows she prefers to be here.
“I’m following up with my patient,” Levi says defensively.
Petra narrows her eyes at him.
Levi frowns and goes to read Isabel’s chart.
“She got a family?” he wonders aloud as he checks over her vital signs.
“Just a father,” Petra says sadly. “He says it was just him and his wife.”
“Where is he?” Levi asks. Usually when an infant is hurt like this, the parent never leaves their side. But Levi hasn’t seen anyone but hospital staff tending to the kid.
Petra frowns again. “He’s. Struggling. His wife…”
Levi looks at her.
“He hasn’t been by much,” she admits.
Isabel is sleeping fitfully. She keeps clenching her little fists, turning her head. Levi frowns and looks over her chart one more time. She opens her mouth and squeals, and Levi finds himself laying his hand against her chest before Petra can get to her. She opens her eyes, stares at him, and cries.
It is what made him a good medical student and what makes him a better doctor, his complete lack of hesitation. It is how he chose to be a surgeon, right from the start, right from the moment he’d completed his first laceration suture and the attending had told him he had steady hands, had he ever considered surgery?
So he doesn’t hesitate now, to lift the baby carefully from her crib, because that is what crying babies need, and even though she’d shown signs of pain, she can’t have another dose of her medication for another hour. He shushes her softly, and when he lifts his eyes to Petra she is watching him with the strangest look on her face.
The baby calms. Levi hastily hands her off to one of the women who work here, and then he leaves.
*
That night when he gets home, Erwin asks him what’s wrong. He admits he doesn’t know. Erwin stares at him for a long time before he says, “That baby I worked on last week, the one in the car accident. Her mother was killed.”
“Yes?”
“Her name is Isabel.”
Erwin frowns at first and the offers Levi a gentle smile. Levi blushes, feels like a fool.
“Mom dead. Dad can’t look at her I guess,” Levi mutters.
“What do you mean?”
“Petra says he hasn’t been by much.” And then, he hisses, “It’s so fucked up.”
“He’s grieving,” Erwin says reasonably.
Levi scoffs. “Babies are fucking-- they’re delicate, they need attention from their parents. Ignoring little babies like that, it-- it fucks ‘em up when they’re grown. And the NICU, I mean, they take care of those kids, but they don’t have the time to give every single one the attention--” He stops ranting and looks away. “He’s being selfish, he’s a fucking shit head. Get over yourself, your kid needs you.”
“Thought you hated kids,” Erwin teases him.
“I do. That doesn’t mean I think they should fucking be, fucking ignored by their shit-for-brains fuck-up dead beat dads.”
“It’s only been a few days--”
“This is why I don’t want kids,” Levi grouses. “It’s too fucking easy to fuck ‘em up.”
“You turned out okay,” Erwin tells him with a smirk.
“Yeah, well, my mom loved me.”
Erwin turns his head, blinking a little, and Levi feels his heart sink.
“Sorry.”
“For what?” Erwin says innocently.
Levi blinks at him very slowly before he says, “I just mean, I had, you know, lots of attention when I was that age. I assume.”
“He’ll come around,” Erwin says. You gave her the best shot she’s got. Now you’ve gotta trust the people closest to her to do the rest.”
Levi tosses and turns all night and isn’t sure he trusts anyone to do any such thing.
*
He finds himself visiting that little baby every damn day. He doesn’t see her father once. Not once. It’s stupid and he shouldn’t be wasting his time-- he’s got other patients to worry about, adult patients who can actually tell him when they’re in pain, or when their meds are making them nauseated, or when their appetite is gone.
And still, at the start and end of every fucking shift he wanders up to the NICU nursery.
She heals well, and fast. She’s strong. Once, Petra is just about to give her a bottle when one of the other infants starts to code. She puts Isabel in Levi’s arms and goes over to help, so Levi feeds her because what else can he do? There are enough people helping with the other baby; Petra gets him breathing again, and stable, so she doesn’t need Levi’s help.
She wanders back over to Levi after the infant is stabilized, and stares at him for a long time.
“What.”
“When do you get off?” Petra asks innocently.
Levi adjusts the baby in his arms to check his watch. “An hour ago.”
Petra nods carefully. “She’s sleeping.”
“Yeah.”
She pats Levi on the shoulder, and the goes to check on the other babies.
“She’s beautiful.”
Levi lifts his head and realizes he has been sitting here for longer than he meant to. He finds a thin woman with frizzy hair and tired eyes looking at him.
Levi shrugs one shoulder. “Kinda cute. I guess.”
“She looks… healthy,” the woman says with a little smile. She is wearing a hospital gown over her clothes. Levi tries not to frown at her.
“She should be able to go home soon,” he says.
The woman’s chin quivers a little when she says, “That’s wonderful. You must be so relieved.”
Levi blinks at her. “Uh.”
And then he stands from the chair he’s been sitting in. “She’s not mine,” he says hastily. “I’m just her doctor. Surgeon.”
“Oh,” the woman says. “I’ve just seen you around. You’re the only one who comes to visit her.”
Levi grinds his jaw. And then he makes his excuses and leaves.
*
He signs off on Isabel’s discharge. Petra smiles sadly at him, tells him she’ll let the father know he can take her home now. Levi leaves with a sour taste in his mouth.
*
At the end of his shift, she pages him.
When he comes into the NICU a short man he has never seen before is leaning over Isabel’s crib with his fingers on her chest. A woman in a business suit stands next to him. Levi recognizes her; she’s a government rep who is often in the hospital, a family advocate.
Petra appears at his side.
“Mr. Thompson has decided to give Isabel up for adoption,” she tells him gently.
Levi furrows his brows. “What?”
“He has no family. Wife was the primary source of income for the household. He doesn’t feel equipped to care for her alone.”
“That’s bullshit,” Levi snaps. The woman in the suit turns to look at him.
“She’s being discharged,” Petra tells him. “Into the care of the state.”
Levi doesn’t know why Petra is telling him this. Is she trying to piss him off?
“You can’t do this,” he hisses loud enough that both the rep and the father can hear him.
“Levi,” Petra says quietly, hand on his arm.
“Who are you?” Mr. Thompson asks, voice a little choked.
“I’m--” Levi draws up short.
“Dr. Ackerman is the surgeon who saved Isabel’s life,” Petra says pointedly, stepping forward. “She would have died.”
Mr. Thompson throws his arms around Levi’s shoulders and Levi is so stunned he doesn’t move.
“Thank you--”
Then Levi pushes him away. “You can’t do this--”
“Dr. Ackerman,” the government rep says sternly. “You need to--”
“I can’t,” Mr. Thompson says quietly. “She looks. I can’t.”
“She’s your daughter.”
Mr. Thompson shakes his head. “I can’t. Not alone. I can’t. She’ll be better off.”
Levi shakes his head hard. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“Dr. Ackerman--”
“Don’t,” Levi says sharply, looking at the rep. “I fucking know the foster system, okay, you can’t do that to her.”
Mr. Thompson looks at Levi with tired, hopeless eyes and Levi realizes with a sick sinking in his gut that there is nothing he can say to change his mind. They’re going to put Isabel in foster care. Hope she finds a good family to adopt her, and Levi knows it’s more likely for a little baby to be adopted than a fucking five year old like he was, but he’s seen enough homes, been through enough shit to know that there are more bad than good. There has to be. Otherwise he was just so unlucky and he can’t think anyone could have luck that fucking terrible.
Levi can’t let them do that to her.
He can’t.
*
“Erwin!”
Levi stands in the front doorway, in the dark, with his back against the door.
“Erwin!”
He feels like he can’t step into the house.
“What, what’s wrong?” Erwin comes racing down the stairs, drawn by the sheer panic in Levi’s voice. He has finger tracks in his hair, and he’s not wearing his arm. Levi guesses he was just about to get into the shower, like he always does when he gets home from work.
“I did something stupid,” Levi hisses.
Erwin draws up short.
Levi can’t look at him when he holds Isabel up, hands under her arms, face toward Erwin.
Erwin doesn’t say anything.
“He was gonna give her up,” Levi hisses. “He was putting her in the system, I couldn’t, she can’t, not, Erwin, she’s so small.”
Erwin takes one very careful step forward. “Levi. Why is there an infant in our house.”
“I said I’d take her,” Levi hisses. “God, I was so stupid, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll bring her back tomorrow, I just--”
“Levi.”
“He wanted to put her up for adoption. They’d put her in foster care,” Levi says again. “I panicked.”
“You hate kids. You told me. You told me you hate kids and you don’t want kids.”
“I do. I mean, I don’t. Want.”
“He just… gave her to you.”
Levi nods miserably. Isabel fusses a little at the way Levi is holding her up, so he puts her to his chest instead. “He freaked when I said-- I fucking blurted-- he was so excited, kept saying, you’re a doctor, you can take care of her. And the child care advocate said she thought it was a great idea, and we should set up a private adoption instead, it’ll go faster, and I could take her home tonight, and I just fucking--”
“Levi,” Erwin says very carefully. “Are you telling me. You want to adopt this baby.”
“No,” Levi says. “We can’t. We can’t adopt a baby, Erwin, we can’t. Can we?”
Erwin swallows. And then he says. “Can I.” He motions with his hand. “Can you.”
Levi blinks at him and it takes him a second to realize what Erwin is asking.
And then he moves, hastily arranges Isabel in the crook of Erwin’s arm for him. Erwin sits back on the stairs and doesn’t say anything. He just stares at her.
“I’m so sorry,” Levi says. “Erwin, I fucked up, I know, I’ll call the advocate tomorrow and she can come pick her up--”
“Don’t you dare.”
Levi draws up short. “What?”
“Don’t you dare, Levi.”
Levi looks at Erwin and sees his shoulders shaking. He adjusts his arm a little and bends his head lower. Isabel lifts her tiny little hands and tries to grab at his face.
“Erwin.”
“You can’t take her back.”
Levi swallows and moves to sit on the stairs beside Erwin. They sit in silence, staring at the tiny little thing Erwin has cupped in the crook of his arm. She peers up at Erwin a little sleepily, makes a few of the soft sounds happy babies make.
Erwin turns and buries his face in Levi’s shoulder and cries.
“Baby,” Levi hisses. He’s never seen Erwin cry like this. Not fucking once, in the nearly fifteen years they’ve been together.
“She’s so beautiful.”
Levi twists and wraps his arms around them both, a strange rushing in his ears. He is fairly certain they have both lost their fucking minds. They don’t have the time to take care of a baby, or the… preparation, or-- Levi never wanted kids.
And yet here one was. And Levi had no idea how, or when it had happened-- if it was the way she’d looked up at him after her surgery, grabbed at his hand with her chubby little fingers, or if it was Erwin, holding her to his chest, bumping his forehead against her since he can’t touch her with his other hand-- but all at once, in a strange singular instant, Levi knows he’d tear a hole in the sky before he let anything happen to her, and before he let anyone take her from him. From Erwin.
“Her name is Isabel,” he whispers.
Levi hates children.
But somehow, he already loves this one.