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“You can’t expect me to be superman,” he said, sounding exasperated. Before she could process a response, he was walking away, leaving her staring at his back in confusion. What had just happened? This wasn’t the sweet, gentle ET she was familiar with. He’d been different the past few days, ever since… her gut clenched. Ever since the attack on Samaru, when he’d run to Zuraya’s rescue. The whole morning afterward, she had told herself it was just his rescue complex, that he hadn’t been running away from her, just toward someone who needed help. Someone who just happened to be beautiful, available, and open in her attraction to him.
But when ET had continued to act so differently towards her afterward, Nav had to consider that there was something more going on. Then she had found Zuraya in the garbage room, and the Samaruan girl’s explanation had filled in the blanks. ET was frustrated and sick of her uncertainty. Could she really blame him for giving up on her?
Her feet took her off the ship before she realised she was moving. She wasn’t ready to give up on him. As she walked down the dock, she considered what she was about to do. For so long she’d been trying to hold onto both him and her career, not willing to risk either one, and so moving forward with neither. Without conscious thought, she had made a decision.
The heavens opened as she stepped off base onto the road, soaking her to the skin in a matter of minutes. As per usual in Cairns, there was little warning of the storm until she was walking through the middle of it. A taxi pulled up alongside her, the driver gesturing for her to get in. She waved him away. There was something refreshing about walking in the rain, especially after such a hot day. It didn’t hurt that the downpour reminded her of ET and how much he loved the rain. Whenever it rained while they were at sea, he spent as much time as possible either outside or plastered to the windows, just watching. She smiled as she remembered the last storm; the two of them had stood outside the bridge, in the shelter of the overhang, staring out into the raging night.
It only took ten minutes for her to walk to his place. Though she preferred living in her own place, the proximity of Naval Housing to base was definitely an advantage. As she walked up to his front door, she felt a flutter of nervousness. What if it was too late; what if he had already moved on? As she reached her hand towards his door, a new thought struck her. What if he didn’t answer the door? He lived with two housemates, either of whom could be home. She’d been here multiple times before and only met each of them once, but it would be just her luck that the one time she wanted to catch him alone, he wouldn’t be.
She knocked on the door and listened to the footsteps inside, mentally rehearsing what she needed to tell him. But when he opened the door, with his face so serious and eyes so blue, all the words disappeared from her head. All she wanted to do was throw her arms around him and show him how she felt. So she did. Before he could speak, she stepped into the house, wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him. The force of her movements caused him to stumble back, until he hit the opposite wall with a muted thump. As his arms came up to encircle her waist, she tilted her head to deepen the kiss, and felt him sigh into her mouth. He pulled her close, the heat of his body making her forget her wet clothes. It felt so right to be in his arms. His lips moved against hers with a familiarity that shouldn’t have been there, considering this was only their third kiss. But it didn’t matter, not when his tongue was in her mouth and he tasted so damn good. Why had they waited so long?
When her lungs began screaming for air, she reluctantly pulled back, just far enough to take a breath. They were so close together that she could feel the movement of his chest against hers as he inhaled. She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him again, only for him to stop her with a hand on her shoulder. She looked up into his eyes, and was startled to see the same frustration and annoyance as earlier. Wasn’t this what he’d wanted, for her to make a decision? Or was it already too late?
He released her and stepped around her to close the front door. Then he turned back to look at her, his eyes the cold grey she’d seen far too often in the past few days. She shivered, suddenly cold. Instantly, his gaze softened, though he still didn’t smile. Without a word, he walked past her into the lounge room, then moved down the hallway and disappeared into the bathroom. She couldn’t do anything but stare after him in confusion. Closing the door was a clear indication he wanted her to stay, so why wasn’t he talking?
It was only a few moments before he reappeared with a towel. Still wordless, he ushered her into the lounge room and wrapped the towel around her shoulders, rubbing briskly for a few seconds before stepping away. She took over the drying herself, slipping off her shoes and socks and moving the towel around until she was no longer dripping. Though she would have loved to change into dry clothes, she wasn’t about to strip off when he was still staring at her so coldly. The silence was starting to scare her. He’d never been shy about sharing his feelings with her; indeed, sometimes he’d been a little too effusive.
Wrapping the towel around her shoulders once more, she reached for his hand with a smile. He pulled it out of her reach, and her smile fell. “What’s wrong, Josh?” she asked, looking up into his eyes. Though she knew what she’d see, she still had to work hard not to flinch at the undisguised anger there.
“Why don’t you trust me?” His voice was hard, with none of the flirty edge she’d come to expect when he spoke to her.
Her brow crinkled in confusion. “What? I do!”
“Really? Because it doesn’t feel like it.” Once more, the emotions he usually shared so openly slid off his face, replaced by frustration. He was almost glaring at her. Panic began curling in her gut as she stared at him, trying to understand what he was getting at. She’d never realised just how much she relied on his facial expressions to read his thoughts. Until now, he’d never tried to hide his mind from her.
“Josh…” She reached for him again, needing the comfort of his touch to reassure her, but he refused once more. “I don’t know what you mean. I trust you.”
He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked around the room, obviously trying to figure out how to make her understand. “Yesterday, with Zuraya. You didn’t really think I was interested in her?”
“Why not? She is very pretty. You even told her so in her own language.”
“I wasn’t speaking to her,” he said quietly. His eyes returned to hers, sky blue once more. “But maybe I should have said, ‘sei molta carina’ .” She felt her eyes going wide as comprehension dawned as she automatically translated the Italian. He had intended to say it to her . His gaze intensified until he was giving her the full force of his skyeyes, and all she wanted to do was fall into his arms. But he still wasn’t smiling and she was petrified he wouldn’t catch her.
She blinked a couple of times and opened her mouth, then stopped. It seemed so ridiculous now, when he was looking at her with such depth of emotion. But he was silent, waiting for her to respond, so she had to try. “I thought… you were losing interest,” she said softly, the words falling like rocks in the space between them. “It’s been so long... way too long.” She looked away, unable to cope with her own stupidity in the face of his obvious affection. He’d told her he would wait. Why did she think he would have changed his mind? And without telling her?
“Nikki, I…” he began, his voice just as soft as hers. His fingers curled around hers and his other hand cradled her cheek, gently turning her back to face him. “How could I ever lose interest in you? I love you.” She could read the truth in his eyes and felt herself melting into his touch. Though she’d known how he felt for months, she’d told herself she didn’t need to hear the words, that his actions said more than his lips ever could. She’d been wrong.
Her heart lightened and her eyes filled with tears as she gazed at him, trying to show him how she felt. She wanted to respond, the words on the tip of her tongue, but her body wouldn’t co-operate. So she settled on a smile and a squeeze of his hand. When he finally grinned back, the tears cascaded over her cheeks in relief.
He brought his other hand up to cup her face in his palms, his thumbs wiping away her tears. “I love you,” he repeated, then kissed her. As with his eyes, she could read his kiss like an open book. It spoke of affection, love, promise, passion and, above all, reassurance. She wrapped her arms around his waist to pull him closer, until their bodies were flush once more. But when she tried to deepen the kiss, he pulled back. The flicker of uncertainty she felt must have shown in her eyes, for he pecked her once more, then steered her down to sit on the couch. “We still need to talk,” he said gently, taking both of her hands in his. “Why did you come over today?”
She understood what he was asking, and searched her brain for the words she’d come up with on the walk over. “Everything that has happened this year... So many of the crew have been hurt or come close to death, you included.” She had to take a shaky breath when she thought of that day on the bird flu boat, when she thought she’d lost him.
“You, too,” he said, his eyes going distant. “When I heard that gunshot…” Unconsciously, her grip on his hands tightened, as if his touch could erase the memories. It couldn’t, but it did help her come back to the present.
“We have dangerous jobs, and any day could be the last. I don’t want to waste any more time not being with you. And I’m not going to take you for granted anymore. It’s not fair to expect you to keep waiting without any end date.” She looked deep into his eyes, letting herself feel everything she’d been holding at bay. “Josh, I adore you and I want to be with you.”
He smiled at her, then cupped a cheek in his palm. She turned into his touch, letting her own mouth curve in response. The tenderness in his gaze was something she hadn’t seen much of in the past few months - and that was her own fault. After the close call with Campbell Fulton, she had insisted that they limit their on-board interactions to the professional. When they had shore leave, she had carefully orchestrated things so they were never alone. Though they were still crewmates and it was still technically against the rules, she didn’t want to waste any more time.
“But nothing’s changed,” he said, echoing her thoughts.
“My mind has,” she replied firmly, covering his hand on her cheek with her own. “But it does stay off the ship. All of it.”
“So we hide it from the crew? From our friends?”
“They already know.” She smiled wryly, wondering just how long it would take Kate and Swain to figure out that things had changed. Probably less than an hour. “But we don’t flaunt it.”
His brow wrinkled in thought. “So… you want me to be subtle?”
She chuckled. “Oh, no. Definitely not. You try to be subtle about this and you’ll end up announcing it over the PA.” She smirked at his expression and dropped a light kiss on his pouting lips. Grasping his fingers, she pulled his hand off her cheek and twined their hands together, then placed them in her lap. “Just… focus on your work, at work. Like you’ve been doing recently.”
A cheeky grin came over his face. “We’re not at work now.” He wrapped an arm around her waist and pressed her closer into his side, then tugged on her other hand.
Taking the hint, she turned to straddle his lap, arms looping around his neck. “No, we’re not,” she agreed, returning his smile as she lowered her lips to his. With everything that had just happened in Samaru, and the CO now recuperating in hospital, they were likely to get a long break before returning to duty; and she was going to make the most of every minute of it.