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The first thing he remembers John saying to him was "Keep your brother safe". Everytime his father left for another work in another nameless town to kill another monster, his parting words always were "And Dean, keep your brother safe". It took everything Dean had to let his little brother go away, be able to make a name for himself in Stanford and John was so bitter after the fight he and Sam had that he even forbidden Dean to make any contact with his brother.
However he needed to make sure that Sammy was safe, always safe. Everytime John let him take a solo hunt, he would choose anywhere near Palo Alto, just so Dean could check on his brother without letting Sammy know.
And, of course, Dean was able to screw things up coming to ask Sammy’s help to find their father. If he could, he would’ve changed everything. Even if Jessica's’ death was Azazel’s plan all along, maybe Sam still would be able to have a normal life. Dean knows the kid was able to have a normal life, Amelia being the proof. But, again, Dean had to waltz right back into his little brother’s life and scramble everything up. He should’ve left Purgatory and hunt alone, live alone, find a way to rescue Castiel alone. But he was too bitter about the fact that Sam didn’t look for him to give a damn about what was best for his little brother.
Why he’s such a screw up?
He failed several times, even gave up on his soul to bring his little brother back. He spent 40 years in Hell, like that would atone for his failure as a brother and as a man. God knows he loves his brother more than his own life, more like a man and less like a brother.
If his father knew, he would be so disgusted of the little soldier he raised...
Sound the bugle now, play it just for me
As the seasons change remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on, I can't even start
I've got nothing left, just an empty heart
“SAMMY!” He couldn’t believe his eyes. Sam struggling against two vampires while he himself was trying to decapitate one.
“DEAN!” It was a hoarse cry right before the vampire ripped his brothers throat, blood gushing everywhere.
“SAM!!” And then his brother was down, being dragged away from him deep inside the mines.
Castiel went after the vampires but when he got back with no one, Dean knew. He still tried to go past the angel, to no avail. “He’s gone,” Castiel had said.
No… No, no, no, no! It couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t. Not after everything they went through. “No!!” Dean tried once more, but Castiel wouldn’t budge.
“We don’t have time!” There was more snarling coming from the dark and for one second Dean felt hope that maybe they could retrieve Sam’s body and… “Dean, we can’t save him.”
Those words were like a bucket of cold water. The way the vampires were famished, there wouldn’t be much of a body to retrieve.
Dean didn’t remember much after that. They walked and walked and walked, but Dean also remembered. The way the blood gushed. His brother’s last cry calling for him. He failed once again. His eyes stung with unshed tears and bile rose occasionally everytime Sam’s image flashed in his head. But apart from that, Dean felt empty.
And if he thought that going forward without Sam was hard, nothing prepared him when he faced his mother and she asked where’s Sam.
He almost broke down. Dean could feel some stray tears spilling down from his eyes, but still managed to keep it together. Barely.
I'm a soldier: wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me, lead me away...
Or leave me lying here
Castiel came to see him shortly after speaking with Jack. Dean was alone, sitting on the porch steps and staring blankly at nowhere. Even Mary left him alone when Dean spoke nothing for minutes.
“Dean,” The angel started without knowing what to say, really. The Winchesters were his family, but the bond the brothers shared between them went beyond blood and friendship. They used to share a Heaven, for God’s sake. “I - I’m sorry for -”
“Don’t,” It was short and blunt, green eyes never wavering or looking at the angel. Saying that out loud would make everything too real for Dean and he couldn’t face the reality. Not yet. His little brother still could be saved. If Sam was dead for good, Dean was too. He couldn’t keep going without Sammy. His Sammy.
Sound the bugle now. Tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know that leads to anywhere
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down. Decide not to go on
Castiel sat beside him and stayed quiet for some time. Dean appreciated the gesture, but he would rather be alone right now, because his mind wouldn’t leave him be and it was company enough. All the good times that he and Sam went through, the stolen little smiles, quiet companionship and rare hugs that they shared along the years were playing inside his head. The little moments that gave Dean some sort of hope on having his twisted feelings reciprocated, small touches here and there, secretive smiles... Fuck, even the bad ones filled with tears and angst and blood Dean cherished because that meant they were both still alive. Hurt, battered and sometimes broken, but fucking alive.
Sammy was the light in the darkness, the only good thing that Dean could say still existed in the whole freaking world - apocalypse one or back home, it didn’t matter. And he was gone.
“Dean, we’re going to that place… And we’re going to save Jack and mom. Together. And… If something happens, we will deal with it… Together. And if we die? We will do that together too,” But they didn’t. Sammy was gone for good and Dean was still here. It wasn’t fair.
Castiel was saying something about how they should prepare to go back home, but it was white noise for Dean. Sam had failed to keep his end of the bargain, but Dean wouldn’t. He would retrieve his little brother’s body or die trying.
When Dean made his mind, he rose up without a word and went to the pitcher full of water. Mary was there and the oldest Winchester simply laid his plans to her.
Dean closed the canteen “I have to go back,” And threw his backpack over his shoulder. “Get his body,” He still felt empty enough that, if his mother protested, he didn’t hear it.
That’s when the bells started ringing and Dean stopped, looking around a little confused.
And, like a mirage coming out of the woods, Sam appeared.
Then from on high somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, "Remember who you are.
If you lose yourself your courage soon will follow.
So be strong tonight. Remember who you are."
“Listen, I’m sorry about all this,” Sam apologises, but Dean couldn’t care less about it. Sam was alive. His Sammy was alive.
Without saying anything else, Dean hugs Sam within an inch of his life. “I thought I lost you man…” He mutters, closing his eyes and promising himself that he’ll never take brotherly hugs for granted ever again - even if it isn’t very brotherly on Dean’s part. “I would’ve made a deal with the Devil himself to bring you back, Sammy,” The oldest Winchester croaks, fighting tears back.
Sam freezes in his grasp and pulls him away, hazel eyes wide and searching. “Fuck you woul - “
“I would,” Dean cuts Sam off, holding his little brother’s face between his hands. “You hear me, Sammy? There’s nothing in this world or another that I wouldn’t do to bring you back,” Green eyes search hazel ones, trying to convey how much Sam means to Dean.
“Dean…”
“I can’t lose you, man,” Dean feels the sting in his eyes, but he can’t stop now. Not after today. “I told you that you couldn’t blame me for protecting you, my little brother. You are the only thing that guides me, Sammy. If I lose you, I…” He pauses for a second, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “I have nothing left, Sammy,” Dean hangs his head in shame, trying to mask his tears.
But he can see in his mind’s eye the frown that his little brother is wearing now. “That’s not true, Dean. You still have mom, Cas and even Jack now. We’re not alone anymore.”
“They will never hold a candle to you, Sammy,” Dean should feel ashamed, but hell, if you love your brother like a man, there’s little on the world that could shame you, really. “You are everything , Sam, never think otherwise, ya hear me?” Taking a deep breath, shoulders sagging and resolve waning, Dean mutters defeated. “I love you, Sammy. I will always - “
The words die on his mouth when Sam crushes their lips on a messy kiss, more teeth than lips.
You're a soldier now fighting in a battle
To be free once more.
Yeah, that's worth fighting for
When they break, Sam leans down until his forehead touches Dean’s. “Fuck, took you long enough.”
“Sammy?” Dean blinks dazedly, searching for something on Sam’s eyes.
“You were my hero ever since I was a kid, Dean. I worshipped you. Then I was in love with you when I was old enough to realise I would like very much to be the girls you used to kiss back in highschool,” Is nothing but a whisper, like Sam is telling him a secret. “I went to Stanford to run away from those feelings, but they never vanished.”
“But - “
Sam leans down to kiss him again, effectively cutting Dean off. “Shut up, I’m talking now,” He murmurs against Dean’s plush lips. “The reason I never made a move was because I thought I was a freak enough with my visions and the demon blood and all the shit show that came after. I didn’t have to top it all off with ‘lusting after my own big brother’ added to the list.” Sam closes his eyes. “But I had my hopes.”
They are silent for a moment before Dean clears his throat. “To be honest, I was expecting you to freak out more, man,” Dean jokes weakly.
Sam rolls his eyes. “Yeah, right,” The youngest Winchester huffs. “That being said, you need to stop throwing your life away, Dean… This thing have to stop.” He cups his big brother face on his big palm.
Dean closes his eyes, Adam apple bobbing up and down. “I can’t,” He whispers. “Not when you’re gone,” When Dean opens his eyes, he cracks a grin. “Hey, you said it yourself. If we die, we do that together too.”
Sam rolls his eyes, but he can’t hold his own smile back. “Yeah… Yeah, I did.”