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Hoseok's entire body fidgets, twitchy and restless. His head swims dizzyingly as he sits on the living room sofa, the bright lights of a studio still burning in the back of his mind, still hearing the screams and his own quiet words whispered to his reflection.
Smile for the camera, J-Hope.
He's central to the atmosphere of everything they do and he knows that. Everyone knows. There's no room for tired Hoseok or distracted Hoseok or even pensive Hoseok. He needs to be J-Hope, smiling J-Hope, funny J-Hope, fully of energy and charisma even on the worst of days.
So he pushes himself, hard, until he's in so deep he can't tell where the act stops. "Hey, you alright?" he hears quietly, and turns to see Jimin, emerging from his shower, the last one to get ready for bed today. He looks tired and cozy in his bathrobe, cheeks pinked with heat. "You look kind of on edge."
Hoseok throws a smile at Jimin that feels plastic, bright like the ones he gives in front of the cameras. "I'm fine," he forces. The drowsy look in Jimin's eyes, relaxed and happy, makes Hoseok's stomach boil with jealousy. He stops himself, startled at his own anger because Jimin is his friend. "Maybe I'm a little on edge," he admits quietly. Jimin sits by him, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. "You did really well in the interview today, hyung. But don't you think you're working yourself too hard?" he asks, a bit wary.
Hoseok tries another smile, aiming for something more genuine. "Don't worry, Jimin, it's what the fans deserve, right? I just have a bit of..." he pauses, stuck. Saying the word trouble makes it sound like a problem. Jimin's thumb rubs absently at his shoulder, subtly encouraging. Hoseok continues, "It's just kind of... hard to calm back down after being so pumped up for the show." It's so much of an understatement he almost laughs. He feels like he's going to die.
Jimin nibbles at his bottom lip. He's exhausted, Hoseok can tell, and he's thankful because otherwise Jimin might have put up more of a fight. Hoseok waits a beat before he hears Jimin sigh and mumble, "If you're sure you'll be okay, Hobi-hyung." Hoseok nods furiously. "I'll be okay. I am okay," he assures Jimin, trying to sound confident. Jimin pauses again and he starts a bit more hesitantly, "You know, when I get stressed, not that I'm saying you're stressed, just... I like to go talk to Yoongi-hyung. He's so laid back, you know. Being around him makes it so much easier to relax." Hoseok considers this, feeling a subtle wash of gratitude surround him. Jimin is always so thoughtful; he doesn't know why he's trying to keep things from the younger boy. "Thank you, Jimin. I'll keep that in mind. Just get some rest, alright?" Jimin smiles sleepily and pats Hoseok's shoulder a bit, leaving with a quiet night hyung.
Hoseok sits on the couch for another few minutes, trying to convince himself that he's okay, that he can handle this, that he's not stuck in stage mode. It's a twisted game of trying to pretend he's in control when he knows he isn't. He just can't settle down, and with a start he notices his whole body is shaking. He tries to hold his body still, muscles burning with the urge to shake, to tense up, and his lungs are gulping in air so fast that it takes him another few seconds to realize he's halfway to a scream.Hoseok closes his eyes and exhales, shoulders falling tiredly. Maybe he should see Yoongi. Hoseok walks with shaky legs towards their little studio, energy buzzing under his skin. He pushes open the door and clears his throat quietly.
Yoongi raised his head from his position in front of the computer, looking back to the door curiously before acknowledging Hoseok with a little hum and turning to his work again. Hoseok rolled up a chair to where Yoongi was fiddling with his latest project, a slower tune that isn't quite as sad as Let Me Know. "Something you wanna work on?" Yoongi asked, glancing over as Hoseok sat down next to him. Hoseok doesn't come in as often as Namjoon or Yoongi, usually only when he's got something really good or they're all working on a big track together. Hoseok only attempts another smile and shakes his head.
"Just felt like hanging out," he tells him, hoping his voice sounds casual. Yoongi squints forward at the screen. "Okay. Why are you really here?" Yoongi asks blandly, without looking over. Well, he made an attempt. Hoseok clears his throat again, this time out of discomfort. "I just feel jittery, still. From the interview," he explains. Yoongi seems more satisfied with this answer, nodding and clicking the save button on his work and turning to face him. "So, do you want something to do, is that it?" the older boy asked. Hoseok hesitated. "Well I'm not really..." He stopped but Yoongi said nothing. Yoongi was only patient when he chose to be. "I didn't really plan what I was going to do? Jimin just suggested that I come in here and then..." Yoongi snorts a little. "Jimin comes in here to annoy me and play games on my phone, so unless you want to do that, you're welcome to just chill out," he replies. Hoseok nods and slouches into the chair as Yoongi goes back to working on the song.
Jimin was right, Hoseok thinks just seconds into the silence that settles over them. Yoongi is quiet and calm, emanating waves of a quieter aura that Hoseok needs. He closes his eyes, folding his arms over his stomach and tries to fall asleep to the sound of quiet clicks of a mouse and the faint sound of music coming from Yoongi's headphones. A few moments pass and Hoseok breathes in and out, waiting for the calm feelings to sink into his bones. He doesn't. Maybe he's just not sleepy. Hoseok's eyes open again and he sits up, placing his hands on the table top and looking around for something to do. He grabs a nearby pen and twirls it in his fingers, clicks it on and tries to think of something to write. He clicks it closed. Then he clicks it again.
Click.
Click.
Cli-
"Are you done?" Yoongi grumbles irritably, pulling his headphones away and glaring at Hoseok. There's not much heat behind it but Hoseok still apologizes hastily. He pulls out his phone and unlocks it, glancing at the time. He stuffs his phone back in his pocket, rubbing his hands on his jeans and looking around. Once more he closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep in case he really does get sleepy. About three minutes of quiet pass before Hoseok feels fidgety again. He sighs quietly, opening his eyes and deciding to scoot closer to where Yoongi is changing a rhythm on the potential drum background. It's catchy, he thinks, and bops his head to the beat. Hoseok listens to it, drumming along with his hands on his lap. He starts to pat another rhythm, improvised this time, attempting to accompany it. "I have a computer to play the rhythm out for me, Hoseok," he hears Yoongi remark, sounding a bit more ticked off this time. Strike two.
"Alright, okay. Fine." Hoseok says, feeling a bit put out. He frowns at the ground for a while. He smushes his hands between his thighs as his right leg starts jiggling. The whisper of fabric is loud in the quiet room. His arms cross and uncross. He survives another minute of silence. After a while his legs feel shakier than ever. He props one knee on the chair, drops it, props the other knee on the chair. Now he brings the other one up, and then drops both feet to thud to the ground. Yoongi takes off his headphones completely. "If you don't want to be here, Hoseok-" "I wasn't even fucking doing anything!" Hoseok yells, too quickly, too loudly. Yoongi slams his hand on the desk. "We have not had one single fight in this group so far so you better shut the fuck up before you start one!" Yoongi roars. Hoseok jumps, hard, and shuts his mouth, breathing quickly. Yoongi has never lost his temper like this before and Hoseok feels his fingers shake for an entirely different reason.
The thing is, Hoseok knows that was snappish and out of line. His stomach floods with guilt and it's the knowledge that he did wrong that makes him keep his mouth shut, makes him listen to Yoongi when all the rest of him wants to disobey. They sit in a tense silence for a moment, Yoongi staring carefully at Hoseok. Hoseok bows his head, biting his lips. He feels the urge to say something, to apologize, but he stops.Yoongi said to shut up, he thinks. Don't disappoint Yoongi. He exhales and stays quiet, as quiet as he can be, and his head swims with a new sensation, a desire to please, a desire to listen and prove that he can listen. A few breaths in, the tension fades. "Hey," Yoongi murmurs softly, voice gentle. "I'm sorry for yelling." Shut the fuck up rings in his head and he can't open his mouth. Prove you can listen. Hoseok hesitates for a moment before simply nodding his acknowledgement."I didn't mean to be so rude to you," Yoongi says, a bit louder now, almost questioning. Hoseok's hands fidget in his lap but he stills them. Again he nods, feeling awkward and exposed without any words to shield him. He deserved it, he thinks, to get yelled at. Now he'll stay quiet like Yoongi told him to. He feels a hand at his arm and looks up to Yoongi's eyes staring intensely at him. "Are you not talking because I told you to shut up?" he asks, voice carefully neutral. Hoseok feels stupid nodding for a third time but it's all he can think to do. Yoongi huffs out a weird breath, looking confused. "You don't have to do that, Hobi." Hoseok says nothing. He realizes he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to talk anymore, or move, and he doesn't know when he got all the fight knocked out of him but there's nothing else in his mind but the sound of Yoongi's voice. "Unless... Unless you want to. Be quiet, I mean." Yoongi says tentatively. Hoseok does. He wants to be quiet. He wants to be good. The leftover adrenaline pumps through his blood, making his heart beat fast, but even now he holds still. He looks up at Yoongi and makes sure they lock eyes before he gives another small nod. Yoongi takes him in carefully, eyes sweeping over him with close attention. Hoseok's stomach swoops a bit. Yoongi clears his throat before he asks lowly, "Is that what you want, Hoseok? To be quiet, for me? Do you think you can do that?" His breath hitches. For Yoongi. Hoseok shuts his eyes tight, feeling his stomach drop harshly. Blood rushes loudly in his ears. It sounds like a challenge and it sounds like a relief and it sounds like yes.Hoseok opens his eyes again nods frantically and Yoongi stares, considering. Then he says, "What if I helped you calm down like this? Would you listen?" Hoseok's mind fills with noise. It's a challenge, be good, be quiet, listen well. He nods along again. Yoongi bites his lip. Suddenly Yoongi's voice rumbles strangely, voice dipping low and unfamiliar.
"Close your eyes," he prompts, suggesting rather than ordering. Hoseok closes his eyes quickly. Yoongi makes a soft noise next to him. "Hands in your lap." Hoseok carefully folds his hands in his lap, delicate and polite. "You're going to breathe on my count, do you understand?" He nods, eyes still shut. "In for four, then out for seven. One... two... three..." Hoseok slowly takes air into his lungs, following Yoongi's lazy pace and deep, soothing voice. With each breath, he feels himself sink deeper into the sound of his voice, the calming darkness that his closed eyes offer him. His shoulders sink, head dipping forward as he slouches in his chair. "Out... seven... six... five... four..." The nerves and the jitters all disappear as Hoseok becomes aware of only Yoongi. "Keep your chin up." Now it's an order. Hoseok raises his head, eyes still shut, and he hears the quiet, "good," in reply. Warmth washes through his body, pride in its purest form. Yes, he thinks. I can be good. He isn't sure how long he's been floating when he becomes aware that Yoongi is calling him. "-eok, hey, Hoseok, are you with me?" Careful hands nudge his chin up, brush back his hair, push a water bottle into shaky hands. Hoseok blinks blearily at Yoongi, letting himself be poked and prodded and comforted. Yoongi murmurs questions to him about how he feels, if that was alright, does he need anything and he nods and shakes his answers dizzily. He feels strangely heavy now, and it makes him feel so off that he puts down the water bottle and climbs into Yoongi's lap, burying his face in Yoongi's neck. Yoongi sighs and holds him, hand sliding across his back. Hoseok soaked in the rarity of his warmth, his comfort. Yoongi was only patient when he chose to be, after all. "You can talk now," he whispers into Hoseok's hair. Hoseok inhales shakily. "Okay," he rasps, an unsure laugh leaving his lungs. Yoongi nudges Hoseok back to ruffle his hair and Hoseok sits back in his own chair. A firm hand clasps on his shoulder and Hoseok thinks he's felt the sensation earlier. Everything but right now seems so far away. "If you feel strung out, just come to me, alright? I don't want us to fight. If... If you want to do that again, we can talk about it. We have to make rules, but. We can talk about it," Yoongi tells him, quiet but confident. And though he feels like he's done it too much, Hoseok simply nods again. "Thank you, Yoongi-hyung," he says, sincerity coloring his words. He stands up because it's late, and he tells Yoongi it's time to go. As he turns, Yoongi catches his sleeve. His eyes are twinkling. "Hoseok-ah. It's late, you might wake someone up. Do you think you can be quiet?"
Hoseok just nods.