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10 Rules for Writing a NSFW Sherlockian Fanfic
(modified from the original “10 Rules for Writing a Sherlockian Pastiche” by Derrick Belanger for the Junior Sherlockian website)
As part of your general amusement, or for fapping purposes, you may find yourself writing a NSFW Fanfic. While a Sherlock Holmes pastiche is a short story written in a similar style to the Sherlock Holmes stories of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, to be classified as a fanfic one generally must meet additional expectations. To write your fanfic, there are 10 rules you should follow:
1. You are not necessarily writing a mystery. Your story doesn’t need a full plot with a client bringing Sherlock Holmes a problem and he investigates, or a resolution where Holmes solves the case. What you need is sexytimes, and plenty of them. Though you can sometimes do that in a few paragraphs, take your time to set up your fic and include a story as well. Readers will think you are a better writer if your fic has lots of chapters, and to fill out those chapters you may find employing a plot helpful. Doyle has written 60 stories, most of which are in the public domain— adapt the plot from one. Occasionally, some writers have found success when “the porn is the plot”. Don’t be afraid to tell your story with cocks. If you do this literally, keep in mind that the cocks should resemble the overall body type of the character, so you will know which cock is which. Do not make the cocks smoke cigarettes after sex. That is a weird visual image.
2. You need to read the original Sherlock Holmes stories if you are going to use ACD language. Pay attention to how Doyle introduces Holmes, how the mystery begins, how his characters interact, how much Watson stares at Holmes’s hands, the frequent comments about handsome men throughout the stories, and how many times Doyle uses “ejaculate”. Note that Holmes calls John Watson by his last name,“Watson” not “John” in the published works per the standard convention during that time period, so you should make use of this distinction of intimate relationships and wait until the proper moment to use Christian names— either to signify a changing point within their relationship dynamic, or during really good sex.
3. Sherlock Holmes is the world’s greatest detective. Show the reader that Holmes is great through his actions. Have Holmes look at a client and tell their life story simply from their clothing. Have Holmes solve a mystery that does not seem solvable. If it seems implausible, know that little details always lead to larger assumptions of unfailing accuracy. Do not be afraid to learn how to do this from master storytellers. In the televised BBC fanfic “Sherlock”, we can extrapolate, like the Great Detective does, that everyone who plugs in their mobile phone in the dark is actually an alcoholic. It also helps if there is something you are an expert on that you feel is unique to you, and simply find a way to work that into your plot. To return to the previous example, most people have never heard of the Chinese language, but if you are aware of it it is appropriate to use its numbering system for a major turning point in your story. Seriously though— don’t stress the deductions. Readers will forgive you if you are not as brilliant as Holmes. But if you are an expert in some weird subject, work it in. You will sound as brilliant as Holmes for enough time to entertain your readers. If you happen to be a mass murderer who has gotten away with many crimes, pick some of your best ones and write about them. Change it just enough so we won’t recognise the case. Keep in mind that many actual detectives like reading detective stories, so take pains to preserve your anonymity. Alternatively, if you do not have specialized knowledge which can be incorporated into a mystery, your ex’s laptop, the public library’s internet room and/or a work computer which the federal government will not be able to trace back to you are excellent means of obtaining highly specific information on believable ways to kill people.
4. Dr. Watson is Holmes’s biographer. Almost all of Doyle’s stories are told by Dr. Watson. It is through his eyes that we see Holmes at work; it is through his ears that we hear the client’s story; it is through his tongue that we explore the degree to which Holmes has sensitive nipples. While you don’t necessarily have to tell the story from Watson’s point of view, he should, at the very least, be an important part of your narrative. Note that if you are male, straight, and over age forty, substituting Irene Adler is standard practice. When doing so, be sure to use the surname Adler rather than Norton. You may safely ignore the existence of Godfrey Norton. Everyone does.
5. The setting of your story is vitally important. In the original stories, Sherlock Holmes lives at 221b Baker Street in Victorian London with Dr. Watson (except for when Watson lives elsewhere, but we generally ignore those times). If you are writing in this time period, show us the setting. Have them dine at the Criterion, visit the Strand, stroll through Westminster, hear the chimes of Big Ben. If your goal is a Doyle-style fic, the more we are immersed in the Victorian time period, the better. Ignore the existence of Edwardian-era fics. No one wants to read about Holmes in the same breath as cars and telephones and a reader who thinks they are smarter than you is going to write a comment calling you out on being wrong even when you aren’t. Plus, no one knows when the Edwardian Era is. Always select from the past, present, or future for your setting. Be very cautious when using all three, because time paradoxes get confusing, and even though your reader will probably enjoy it, it will be hell to write and you might never finish it.
6. Part of the fun of reading Sherlock Holmes stories is the rich, diverse characters. You have the Baker Street Irregulars, the children who help gather information for Sherlock Holmes. You have the landlady, Mrs. Hudson, who not only delivers tea to Holmes and Watson but actually helps them catch a dangerous criminal in “The Empty House”. You have Jabez Wilson, the pawn shop owner tricked into joining the Red Headed League. These side characters are unique; they are memorable and make the story more interesting to read. Do not be afraid to add original characters. If you add yourself as a character, everyone will know what you are up to.
7. We learn much from dialogue in a Sherlock Holmes story. Use dialogue both to move the plot forward and to let us get to know the personalities of the characters. The client always tells Holmes the problem they need him to solve. Holmes asks questions of the client and we learn about the mystery. We also learn much about the client from how they approach Holmes. From her dialogue, we learn that Mary Stoner is nervous and fearing for her life in “The Speckled Band”. In “The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor,” we learn of Lord St. Simon’s befuddlement at the disappearance of his fiancee from his story. Make sure we learn about the characters in your story from their dialogue. Keep in mind that Holmes and Watson know each other very well, and although canonically confirmed to be over 6 feet tall, Watson would likely not refer to Holmes as “the taller man” frequently, nor are they generally telling each other apart by their hair color or age. Instead of using narration, try establishing who is who by using dialogue (ie only Holmes would be likely to say “Oh, oh, John...again!”) Note that clones and time-travel situations require more effort to distinguish characters. Yet another reason to avoid writing them.
8. Know your ending. You have created a client who has brought Holmes a mystery to solve. You have to have Holmes solve the mystery to bring your story to a conclusion, and the ending must be believable. Unless it’s pure crack. Many writers will resort to writing pure crack simply to avoid having to write a satisfying conclusion. If you don’t have a satisfying conclusion, you need to add either more humour or more sex in the hopes that the reader will be distracted from your lack of a plausible plotline and solution. Don’t be afraid to do this, because you can generally get away with it, but don’t forget that you can also borrow a plotline from one of those 60 stories that already has an ending written for you. Another advantage to reading the canon is knowing just how often Doyle himself recycled his plots, so it will make you feel much better if yours is lame. However, if you can have a good original mystery with good humour and good sex, you will be the envy of all the other writers and make many fic rec lists. They will probably secretly hate you for it, too.
9. Know your facts. [See #5 for additional tips concerning this topic] Even though you are writing a fictional story, you still need to do a lot of research. No one writing a pastiche today lived in Victorian London. Unless they are a vampire. If you know a vampire personally, or are one, you have a unique moral obligation to write accurate fanfiction. Non-vampires may be surprised to find phrases in use during Victorian times that sound startlingly modern (“Down in the dumps” comes to mind), while some of Doyle’s attempts to sound modern are, paradoxically, the most anachronistic (every American criminal, for example). Keep in mind not everything in modern life existed during that time period. For example, much like the evolution of the personal computer from the size of a room to the palm of your hand, the Victorians had vibrators, but they were large and unwieldy and could not be brought into bed with you ( see advertisements for the Vigor Horse Action Saddle). There was also no fleshlight in Victorian times. Though birth control pills did not exist, feel free to disregard pregnancy concerns in much the same way as one disregards Godfrey Norton. Also, be certain to use time-period appropriate language. Gamahuche and backscuttle, for example, are more appropriate for Victorian fic than blow job, which was not in use until the 1940s, and would be suitable for Rathbone Era fic, but let’s be reasonable— you aren’t writing Rathbone Era fic (unless you are writing for Holmestice). Fortunately, you have the internet to help you along the way. Refer to the following invaluable chart: http://timeglider.com/timeline/4a29b5e38116bfcb
10. Writing hard men is hard work. You will probably need to revise your story several times before it is complete. Have your friends that already know how warped you are read your drafts along the way. A Beta— someone you bribe to help edit your work through gifts, credit in the the author’s notes when it goes on AO3, or by early access to the fic before it’s published— can be extremely helpful. They can even suggest an ending when you have none. If they write too much of it, or you feel guilty that their ideas are better than yours, consider co-writing. Have them tell you parts that they like and parts that need improvement, and let then spot all those pesky tense changes. Don’t be upset if they find a big mistake in your text and tell you to write the whole thing over again from another character’s point-of-view. Remember... you both share the common goal of raising your hits to kudos ratio, as well as making your fic the best it can be whilst publishing chapter updates before everyone stops reading Sherlock Holmes fanfic and switches to The Umbrella Academy instead.