Archive of Our Own

The Pain of Loving You.

Coup d’état

Ronon ran his fingers over a pebbled nipple, catching his nail on the sensitive nub and grinned as his lover groaned and arched into the touch. Shifting his hips, he leaned down and pressed a soft, almost gentle touch to bruised, kiss swollen lips.

Evan moaned as the movement pushed the cock buried inside of him deeper, and he held onto Ronon's shoulders, digging his nails into the scarred skin and tried desperately to stop himself flying apart at the seams.

Ronon rolled his hips again, just to see the look on Evan's face; so full of passion love and life. Closing his eyes, Ronon started to move, thrusting deeper and harder – needing to feel Evan under him, his heat surrounding him. Needing to know his lover was alive. Not a charred body in a smoldering building.

A hand, calloused from years of handling a gun, cupped his cheek and gently wiped away the tears that were slowly falling.

“It's OK, I'm safe, I'm alive.” Evan whispered quietly, pulling Ronon down to rest on him.

Ronon stilled, and slipped from Evan’s body, his arms wrapped around the smaller man as he finally allowed his emotions to show. The pain of hearing Sheppard say the blackened husk was Evan, that it wore his dog tags had sent a wave of desolation and loneliness sweeping through him that was only just starting to fade.

The anger when he and Teyla had found the pictures of Lorne and his team, showing that somebody had deliberately betrayed his lover was still throbbing through his veins. And the relief when John had stepped through the wormhole with Evan at his side all ran through his body, leaving him a jumbled mess of emotions. So for a few precious minutes, Ronon allowed himself to feel everything.

“I love you.” He said harshly into Evan's neck as he was held tight, his body trembling with the force of his emotions. The words were said back with as much feeling, if not more. Lifting his head, Ronon kissed Evan's lips as the older man brushed away the last of the tears.

Evan shifted under him and Ronon rolled off, only to be pulled back into his lover's arms. His head resting on Evan's chest, the feel of Evan's hand sliding over his skin eased the swirling cascade of thoughts and emotions, and Ronon slept.

~*~

The Return

The sound of the Stargate disengaging echoed around the SGC gate room and Evan Lorne felt a shudder run through him as the last tenuous connection with his lover disappeared.

He followed the line of Atlantis personnel towards the infirmary, and then to the quarters allocated to him. The door closed on the busy corridor and he sank onto the unmade mattress. The silence of the room was deafening; he was used to the quiet hum of Atlantis in his mind and the sound of waves from the window.

He looked around at the gray windowless walls, and felt as though they were closing in on him. Needing to do something - anything, he stood quickly and made the bed, then he grabbed one of his boxes and emptied the contents into the closet. Picking up the next one his hand stilled when he opened it.

Lying on top of his clothes was a painting of Ronon. Evan reached a shaking hand out and stroked a finger over the strong lines of the Satedan's body, over the dreadlocks, and finally over the much loved face.

Taking a deep breath, to keep the tears filling his eyes from falling, Evan put the painting carefully on the shelf in the closet. He didn't have the strength to look at it anymore, not if he didn't want to breakdown completely.

Taking a deep breath, he closed the closet door and walked out of the cold, cramped room. He was on officer; he followed orders, that was why he was here. Even though with every beat of his aching heart he wished he was back in the Pegasus galaxy.

~*~

Enemy at the gate

Teyla’s anguished cry of Ronon had him turning round, even though the drones were closing in on them. He knew what it meant, had heard that cry on the battlefield too many times. Evan ran over, took in the already dull, lifeless eyes and felt a cold hand clench around his heart.

But he couldn’t stop and mourn, not yet. They had a job to do, and he would make sure they did it. Grabbing hold of McKay, he pulled him up. “C’mon on, we gotta get out of here, let’s go, let’s go.” He said urgently as more Wraith seemed to appear out of nowhere.

Evan ignored the look that Teyla sent him as they ran through the Hive ship, not able to meet her eyes and see the sympathy in them, not without falling apart. He was still trying to make sense of what had happened when John Sheppard was there, asking where Ronon was. Evan turned away when John looked at him, and let Teyla answer.

The hand on his shoulder was nearly Evan’s undoing, and he shook his head at his commanding officer. Evan moved away, and half listened as McKay talked about the bomb and getting off the ship. Following the others through the Hive, Evan automatically lifted his weapon and started firing when they did. It wasn’t until he heard Sheppard say “How ya doing Chewie?” that Evan realized Ronon was somehow, miraculously, alive.

They still had to destroy the ship, and get away safely, so when he took the full weight of his lover’s body on the walk back through the ship, Evan just held on tight. Now was not the time to try and understand. Now was the time to be thankful for the living, breathing body held tight against his.

~*~

They were standing on the balcony looking out over the Golden Gate Bridge, and Evan relaxed back into the warm body behind him. The sun was setting, and the lights of San Francisco were shinning in the distance. Ronon’s arms were wrapped tight around him and he didn’t want to be anywhere else.

Evan linked his fingers with Ronon’s and squeezed, “I’m glad you’re not dead,” he almost whispered.

Ronon pressed a kiss to the side Evan’s head and laughed, “yeah, me too.”