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Things were difficult to say the least since Crowley had returned. He'd mourned him for weeks filled with guilt over not knowing how or why he'd done what he had.
Then one evening when he'd been sat alone in the office he'd felt the release from the magical control Gabriel held upon him and he'd thought it a sign of Crowley's death like he was sending a final goodbye before he was destroyed for good. The rage and anger he'd felt at the thought of never seeing his beloved Crowley again and knowing that there was no place for a demon to go once they were destroyed. They'd given over their souls when they fell so there was no afterlife waiting for them. The idea of Crowley, the man who had done so much for him since they day they met suddenly just ceasing to be broke him. Crowley was gone and there was nothing he could do about it.
He hadn't known it was his free will being returned to him through Crowley's actions. Nor had he appreciated how important his own free will was till that moment.
Then Gabriel had fallen and heaven was thrown into angry chaos. Angels came in droves with intent to rip his wings from his back with their bare teeth or worse but with all the fight he once possessed having died alongside Crowley he made no attempt to fight them. He was never even allowed to know why Gabriel had fallen not that he was particularly surprised by the news. He'd always know Gabriel, Uriel and their followers were very bad angels who never knew when they were going to far. What he did know however was that every angel that hunted him down believed Gabriel's decension from his heavenly post was entirely his fault. They came in pairs in all white suits with fierce words and fiercer weapons but one by one they fell before his eyes. White suits an white wings turning black as they were sucked from the world into the pits below. The more came, the more fell until eventually they stopped coming leaving him entirely alone in his now utterly destroyed book shop. He didn't know if they'd given up on hunting him down or if there just weren't any angels left to fall before his eyes. He was to scared to go up to heaven and check.
Time passed in days then weeks and maybe months he could no longer tell the difference. All hew knew was that with each second that ticked passed he lost more and more hope of ever feeling the kind of love Crowley showed him ever again.
Then Crowley had come back to him. He'd refused to believe it was him at first. How could it be? He'd felt his essence come to an end so long ago now and he knew there was no coming back for him from there. He didn't care how many times the demon insisted he was real. It had taken looking into those beautiful eyes once more to see the same love he'd thought gone forever from his life staring right back at him. Then he knew that this was indeed his Crowley returned to him. He'd explained the long tale of exactly what had happened to him whilst he'd been away. The spell with the blood sacrifice, the angel and free ride to heaven and his eventual fall. He explained the encounter with God herself and the destinies and forgotten memories and all the bits and pieces that went in-between. Finally having him in his arms and being able to feel his warmth radiating off him and looking into those wondrous eyes confirmed to him that this was Crowley, his beloved and he had come home.
They'd gone to bed that night held tightly in each others arms both fearing that if they were to let the other go they wouldn't be there come morning. He himself worried that if he were to shut his eyes and go to sleep that he would wake to find a cold, empty bed and Crowley's return would all turn out to be some horrible nightmare.
They spend the next several days like that. Just holding each other and relearning the feeling of having the other person there. He'd asked Crowley to retell him the tale of what happened so many times. Each retelling helped him process a bit more of the information presented to him. Knowing that all of the things he'd been feeling, all the rage and anger and disgust. Were not his true feelings but the work of Gabriel, the man who had been chosen to lead him in heaven had been pushing him towards an edge not even an angel could return from all out of petty revenge. He hadn't wanted to believe Gabriel was capable of such things even knowing his past actions but he had physically felt the release of his control and mistaken it for Crowley's demise and that was something he could never forgive him for.
Hearing that they had met once before and fallen in love and those memories were taken from him by God herself hurt him deeply. Knowing he'd been with Crowley during the hardest thing he'd ever experienced but she had changed the memories so he believed himself to be alone, in agony and oh so very frightened made him so very angry and fearful of what other memories may have been taken from them over their many centuries of friendship.
Given the realisation that there may be many time's they'd shared together that they did not remember they had both worked especially hard at building new ones in the hopes that now Crowley's destiny had been fulfilled that they would be allowed to retain them. One such memory they worked on was from an idea he'd put to Crowley back in Victorian times after coming across a children's orphanage which Crowley had been tasked with destroying and Aziraphale tasked with saving the children. It was one of the few tasks they'd worked on together rather than having one do both parts whilst they both claimed responsibility. They'd gone in in the dead of night whilst the foreman's and house mistresses of the orphanage were asleep and the children slept on cold stone floors huddled together for warmth and comfort and woken each of them and lead them to safety carrying the smallest of the lot in their arms. They'd sat on the wall as the building and the abusers who ran it went up in flames before them and had comforted them as they cried in relief from being freed from the slavery. He'd wanted to do more to help them knowing that despite the destruction of the one orphanage it only meant they would be separated amongst the many others around London which would be just the same and in some cases even worse. He'd read the case files on some of the children and knew they would not be long for the world once they were moved whilst others, the one's he'd truly been sent to save, would go on to do great things in the world built from the hardship they suffered as children. Crowley though had reminded him that changing their destinies now would only cause chaos and possibly more death in the future and all they could do was make the short time they had with them a little bit better. So they had sat in the cobbled streets of London as the heat from the flames melted the snow and warmed their tired bones and told them stories of wondrous things from the past like pirates sailing the ocean and dinosaurs walking the earth of which they knew so little yet. They had all watched with raptured attention and huge smiles on their faces. Crowley had 'popped to the shop' and returned from behind the wall with more sweets than any child could dream of having and of which these children had probably had none and smiled broadly as they devoured the lot in minutes. Eventually their time had come to leave before their sides got suspicious and they left after receiving a hug of each child and leaving a false promise to return soon with more stories for them.
It had broken his heart to leave them but instilled an idea in his mind of the importance of stories for children. Of course Crowley had thought him mad at wanting to do such a thing and he'd pushed it to the back of his mind with other thoughts such as a travelling magic show and it had stayed there until their memory making began.
He put up a sign in his shop window advertising a potential story time session for children of all ages once a week in the shop and for anyone who was interested to enquire within. Interest for such a thing turned out to be much greater than originally anticipated by either him or Crowley and on the first week they had both had to magic up extra juice and biscuits for the number of children who had come.
When it came to the actual telling of the stories most of the work had come from him with Crowley much more at peace with sitting beside him and only interrupting to interject a twist or turn in the tale to excite the children further. All the children in the shop had started brightening the place up a bit after the darkness it had been in in the time Crowley had been gone and though Crowley claimed to strongly dislike the 'noisy little brats' he'd quietly begun hanging artwork the children had drawn for “Mr Cwowwy” on the walls.
“And with Tommy safe in the knowledge that his beloved dog rover had come in from the rain he went to sleep. The end” he finished closing the completely blank book he kept as a prop to disguise the fact most of the stories came from past event's he and Crowley had been involved in somehow and looking at the sea of delighted faces looking up at him. “Do we have any questions?” he asked the hoard before him. After a few sessions the children had started asking questions about the story as well as other things that effected their lives and within reason he'd found himself bound to answering. A lot of the questions were silly like why is the sky blue or why do dogs go woof. On one occasion one of the more mischievous children had asked where babies come from and he'd thought Crowley was going to keel over with how hard he laughed whilst he himself just blushed furiously and guided to the child to ask his mother.
“Mr Zirfell!” a little girl asked raising her hand. Most of the children were far to young to properly grasp how to pronounce his name, thought he'd come to accept even some of the most well read adults also struggled with it, so he'd take to answering anything they called him by much to Crowley's amusement. Some of the more amusing versions had stuck around much to his annoyance.
“Yes Claire?”
“Is Mr Crowrey your husband? My mummy said he was your husband but you don't wear a ring!” she said with a matter of fact attitude like her mother was being awfully silly to suggest a man who was not wearing a ring could be married.
“No sweetheart Mr Crowley is not my husband” her hand immediately shot up again “Yes?”
“Do you wuv him?” he bit his lip smiling at the way children had no filter.
“I do indeed young Miss. I love him very dearly”
“Good” she said with a nod and got up off the cushion that had been laid out for the children to sit on and ran off to the table to help herself to some biscuits and juice.
“Mr Cwowley!” Another voice said belonging to a young boy with big blue rimmed glasses with lenses thicker than the bottom of a bottle and a device on his head he'd learned was called a cochlear implant. He turned and looked at the demon who was carefully pouring juice into little cups for the children and smiling softly to himself after every little “thank you Mister” he got.
“Crowley dear, young James wishes to ask you a question” Crowley looked up at him in shock like he was in another world then at the small boy still sat on the floor. He handed the jug over to one of the mothers and went over to the boy crouching down beside him.
James was a particular favourite of both of theirs. When he'd first joined the group he was ever so shy and never said a word. His mother had come in to visit the day after his first session to say how grateful she was that they had included him in their activities. She explained how James had difficulties socialising because of his disabilities but since coming home he hadn't stopped talking about “Mr Fell and Mr Crowley”. Since then they'd taken special care in making sure James was included. Crowley had gone through all the books he'd kept on sign language in the shop and by the time the next session came around he was able to sign the story along with him so James was able to pick up all of the tale rather than the basic points. Seeing the little boy's face light up as he watched every gesture with the enthusiasm only a child could muster reminded him of the children back in London and why he had started this venture to begin with.
“Hello brat” Crowley said ruffling the boys hair who swatted him away with a giggle.
“Mr Cwowley why do you wear sunglasses inside?” he asked reaching up with a tiny chubby finger and poking the lens his glasses. “Do you have bad eyes like me? Mummy says I have to wear my glasses or I might not see something and fall over and get hurt.” he explained pushing the frames up the bridge of his nose where they always seemed to slip down.
Crowley looked dumbstruck at the question and stared open mouthed at the child. There was also something else on his face, an emotion he couldn't read from where he was stood. He was about to interrupt and answer that Crowley just thought they looked nice when Crowley himself answered. “Yes brat, my eyes very, very bad so I have to keep them covered at all times” James seemed to take it as a suitable answer got up and put his arms round Crowley's neck in a hug and run off in search of biscuits, party rings if he guessed rightly knowing the boys habits.
Crowley didn't move from where he was crouching for a while his face still unreadable from the angle. All he could see was Crowley's mouth hanging slightly open and his face at turned slightly pale. Before he could go over to him and ask if he was alright the demon got up and with long strides went into the back room, shutting the door slightly harder than necessary leaving him utterly mystified to his reaction.
It took another 20 or so minutes for the last of the children to be collected and the pleasantries to be dolled out by parents for caring for their little ones whilst they shopped or went to appointments and such. Finally he was able to go in search of his beloved demon and find out what had caused him to react in such a way.
“Crowley?” he asked poking his head round the bedroom door which was oddly completely in darkness. Most people would assume demons were more at home in cold dark environments with no natural light sources and lots of bad smells but then Crowley wasn't most demons or even really a demon at all if God's words were to be believed, so to find him willingly hiding away in the corner of a darkened room was very unusual indeed. He reached around in the dark trying to find the light switch.
“Don't” Crowley said from the corner. His silhouette showed he was tucked tightly into his chair by the window not splayed out in his usual leisurely manner. “Leave it off” his voice was tense and clipped compared to his usual drawl.
“What ever is the matter Crowley?” he asked attempting to walk across the room without tripping over something of stubbing his toe or hip. Crowley was never someone to hide away in dark corners he was loud and bombastic and a little bit ridiculous and certainly dramatic on top of any number of other things that made him love him all the more. Quiet meant something was wrong.
“Why do you love me?” he asked into the darkness. From the movement of his shadow he could see he'd gone from looking out the window to looking directly at him.
“Whatever do you mean? I love you because I do? Because you're kind and loving and funny and irritating and daft and a romantic old fool” he said. What ever had brought this on? A conversation about his sunglasses and now he was asking if he still loved him?
“Would you still love me if I were a snake?” his tone changed to one of bitterness as he spat out the word snake.
“Of course. I'd love you no matter your form that's what love is. Crowley what is going on?” He didn't like seeing Crowley like this. It wasn't right. He'd seen Crowley upset before but this was different. This wasn't just sadness there was something lost about the way he spoke.
“I want to show you something” he said quickly, a hint of hesitation in his voice.
“Then show me”
“I can't” his voice cracked “I'm scared how you will react” What would Crowley have to fear from him? He was the most beautiful being in all of creation physically and otherwise. “I just need...can we...I don't want you to see me right now but I need to be close to you”
“Always my love” he said reaching out into the dark to find Crowley's hand “Anything just tell me what you need”
“I want you to make love to me” His words echoed what he'd asked of him so long ago now when he'd been at his lowest, time under the influence of a rude angel not withstanding, and he'd made him feel beautiful.
“Of course Crowley. Why ever would you assume I would say no to that?” Crowley had never out right asked before in the times they had had sex. It just sort of happened in a build up of events from talking to hand holding and got further and further till they found themselves in the bedroom. Some night's he'd not found himself able to be unclothed around the demon and he pushed him no further instead held him close and whispered all the reasons he loved him in his ear and never once did he repeat a reason.
“You misunderstand me Angel. I want YOU to make love to ME. I need to feel you, all of you and know that it's real... I can't explain it I just...”
“oh...” they'd done many things since that night. Many, many adventurous things but never with the roles reversed.
“It's okay Angel I understand.” He said dropping his hand from his grip.
“It's not that I don't want to!” he said quickly “It's just...I've never...we've never done 'it' that way before... I don't know what to do and I'd end up making a frightful fool of myself” He'd never even considered swapping roles before he'd found he rather liked being the 'little spoon' as Crowley had called him. Crowley had never asked before either so he just assumed that was how he liked it to be.
“It's okay. I'm sorry for putting pressure on you forget I said anything.”
“No Crowley wait” he said stopping the man from getting up and leaving the room “I want to but I don't know what I'm doing. You'd have to guide me...I don't want to accidentally hurt you”
“You couldn't ever hurt me Angel. I've done this before I just...I need to feel you...I need to know this is real.” His voice cracked on the last word like he was trying to stop himself from crying.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” he had to be sure himself. Crowley's unusual behaviour was worrying him and he didn't want him to do something he'd eventually come to regret.
“Please Aziraphale” Crowley reached back out and took his hand and clasped it firmly between is.
“Alright my love but if you want to stop just say so” he could see the demons shadow nod in agreement and stand up, moving from chair to bed. He followed with hesitation as Crowley started undressing himself with none of the usual build up of them taking turns to slowly undress the other enjoying the visuals of the clothing sliding across the others skin. He had to admit he took a particular liking to watching Crowley's ever so tight jeans slide down his long legs.
Once Crowley was fully undressed he silently started removing his clothing to in a procedural manner not the usual romantic and extremely erotic way he usually did.
He leant up to kiss the taller man but when he reached his lips he turned his face away. His behaviour was utterly mystifying.
“Crowley if you don't even want to be kissed right now I really don't think we ought to be having sex with you in this state.” he reached up and cupped the demons stubbled jaw “Something has gotten to you and it worries me. Talk to my love” The demon hesitated then leaned into his touch. He took several moments of thought before he answered.
“It's what James said...about my eyes being broken like his” his voice was hoarse like he was fighting back tears. That made more sense. He hadn't been able to figure out why what the little boy had said had bothered him but now things were clicking in to place. “God told me that I was hiding my true self, my true eyes from the world out of guilt and regret. I didn't want to believe it because it sounds so ridiculous Aziraphale but it's true. I am hiding my true eyes and it's been so long since I've had them that I can't even remember what they looked like before I fell. Everything I've become... the snake eyed demon...It was all to make me forget that I was an angel once because remembering it hurts so much. I never wanted to fall Angel. I never wanted the fighting and the death I just wanted the pain to stop. She took my wings from me and threw me to the dogs and I had to fight to survive. They tasked me with tempting Eve and because of that the kingdom of the angels and demons truly became separated. That's on me Aziraphale. I'm the cause of all this evil in the world. If I hadn't agreed to turn into a snake and get her to eat that apple from the tree then they would both still be in the garden, happy and safe and we wouldn't have any of the trouble we've had since. No Antichrist, no horsemen and certainly no apocalypse. I've been punishing myself all the years because of the evil I created.”
“If you didn't tempt her then we would never have met. Well met again anyhow. Your doing that brought us together it gave us everything we have today. It started you on the path to being the wonderful, kind and caring man you are today. I don't care if your eyes are like they are or blue or green or purple all I care about is if they look at me with the same affection you always have done. Crowley the eyes may be the window to the soul but...”
“I don't have a soul” the demon interrupted.
“Figure of speech Crowley dear. Although maybe you do? Did God not say you were neither Angel nor Demon? Perhaps we ought not test that theory though... anyway what I was saying was if you want to figure out what your eyes truly are then so be it I won't stop loving you for it but if you feel more comfortable keeping what you have then that is okay to. Never question my love for you based on your physical appearance after everything you've done for me in making me comfortable in my form. Oh Crowley, come” he tugged the demon down on to the bed “Lay with me”.
They climbed, both still sans clothing, into the soft warm bed and wrapped their limbs around each other. This time Aziraphale got to be the big spoon pulling the bony back of his beloved demon against the softness of his own chest. “What we have here my love transcends far more than the physical. Did God herself not say that we were destined to be? So much so that we defied other destinies in order to be together? The lengths you have gone to to make me safe and comfortable and loved?” He kissed the demons neck “I know how much the fall still hurts you and knowing how much pain you must've suffered because of it I can't even begin to imagine. You didn't deserve any of that. I wish there was something I could do to go back and change what happened but I can't. All I can do now is love you with all my being and promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure nothing like that happens to you ever again. You and me against the world Crowley like it always has been and always will be.”
Crowley sighed and leant further back into his embrace “I want to know...I want to know what they look like but I'm afraid to see them. I'm afraid if I see them then I will remember the pain of what happened...of what they did. Theirs so many blank spaces Aziraphale. So many lost memories that I'm certain aren't God's doing but my own. Things so bad I chose to forget them. I don't want to see them and for it all to come flooding back.”
“Then don't look till you are ready” he kissed his neck again “It doesn't matter to me what your eyes are only that you are happy”
“I want you to see” Crowley whispered “I want you to see and tell me what you see. You say that the eyes are the window to the soul. Look at me truly and tell me if you see evil or goodness. Please Aziraphale” he begged, turning over in the bed to face him. Even through the dark he could see the demons eyes were firmly shut.
“I'll have to make it a bit brighter in here my love” he said. The demon nodded “Let there be light!” he said out loud and the lightbulb above the bed lit up.
Despite the serious tone of the current situation Crowley was smiling at him despite his still closed eyes “Do you always have to say that? Is it some kind of angelic rule that I've forgotten that you must be as dramatic as possible when turning on a light?”
“You of all people Mr Crowley, the demon who drives a Bentley and designer clothes and is all flash and flare is calling me dramatic? The cheek of it!” he laughed.
“Will you look now?” The demon asked the tone returning to seriousness.
“Of course” he leaned in and kissed the demons pink lips.
The demons eyelashes fluttered open slowly revealing the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes he'd ever laid his eyes on. The fear and apprehension was radiating out of them as they brimmed with tears looking up at him but above all what he saw was the same love he'd always seen in his demons eyes no matter the shape or colour they presented as.
“Well?” Crowley asked
“Beautiful. Utterly beautiful” he whispered reaching out and running his thumb over the demons cheek. “Oh Crowley one day when you are ready and can look for yourself...oh how beautiful you are...I love your eyes no matter their colour but Crowley...oh its you” suddenly he got a flash of a memory he didn't recognise of a scared and wounded angel hiding and terrified beyond all belief. He tensed up and Crowley picked up on it.
“What is it? What do you see?” he asked clearly thinking he'd seen some inner evil he certainly didn't possess. The memory came and fizzled away again leaving only the memory of those beautiful brown eyes so filled with hurt and fear looking up at him.
“I think I just remembered our first meeting, our real one, back in the garden. Those eyes I remember those eyes so full of good and in so much pain. Oh Crowley my beautiful demon. What did they do to you” he pulled the man in for another kiss.
“You don't see evil though?” The demon sounded almost childlike with how nervous his question was.
“My love it seems I have known from the truly first moment I met you that there is no evil in your heart.”
Crowley flung an arm round his neck and pulled him in tight nestling his face into his hair as the light above them snapped off again. “thank you, thank you, thank you” he breathed into his hair “oh thank you Angel.” he held tightly on to the relieved man his whole body burning with love for his demon and rage at the torture in which he suffered back at the dawn of humanity. He held him till he fell asleep tucked safely in his arms knowing he was loved more than any being ever could wish to be.