Chapter Text
Dean and Castiel Winchester
Dean: “We’re married, have been for 3 years now.”
Cas: “Four Dean.”
Dean: “Well I was close.”
Cas: “But you remembered what pie you had three months ago.”
Dean: “Did you see that pie? Finest eating establishment EVER!”
Cas: “It was a truck stop Dean.”
Dean: “Yeah the triple T, six inches of ice-cream over a deep dish pie.”
Cas: “Anyway, I’m a theology Professor at Manhattan Christian College. My husband, who doesn’t even remember how many years we’ve been married, is a mechanic.”
Dean: “We live in Lawrence, Kansas”
Cas: “and if we win the money….”
Dean: “We’re gonna buy out Marie Callenders.”
Cas: “No Dean, we are going to build an orphanage in Haiti.”
Dean: “Can we give them free pie instead?”
John Watson and Sherlock Holmes
John: “We’re engaged and live in London Ohio.”
Sherlock “BORED!”
John: “Sherlock, we have to do this.”
Sherlock: *Mutters under his breath*
John: “I’ll get you the cadaver you were admiring in the morgue if you cooperate.”
Sherlock: “Weareengagedforonehundredfortytwodays,elevenhoursandthirteenminutes. We live in 221B baker’s street London Ohio. I am a consulting Detective and he is my blogger…”
John: “I’m a doctor Sherlock!”
Sherlock: “ The cameraman is cheating on his wife, with the lady holding up the boom mic. The director slept on the couch last night and must be fighting with his wife by the state of his tie. The makeup artist has bronchitis, though she doesn’t know it yet, and the hairstylist is overcompensating. And if we win the not so Amazing Race we will be using the money to fund my research.”
*Storms out*
John: “Actually we will be funding our wedding and donate the rest Wounded soldiers. Sorry.”
Charlie Bradbury and Jo Harvelle.
Charlie: “Well, we’re dating. And well, let’s put it this way, the CIA commissions me. So basically I’m a professional hacker but I’m not allowed to say that.”
Jo: “And I work at my mother’s bar, and we live in Omaha, Nebraska.”
Charlie: “if we win I don’t actually know what we will do, probably go to Comic Con.”
Jo: “No.”
Charlie: “We don’t know what we’re doing.”
Jo: “ I could by you a gun and teach you to shoot.”
Charlie: “Or there was that one thing in that one store ;) .”
Jo: “YES!”
Jean Kirschtein and Marco Bodt
Jean: “So, Me and Marco...”
Marco: “Marco and I…”
Jean: “…have been dating since our sophomore year of high school and we just moved from the Fort Benning in Georgia to the Elmendorf Air Force Base in Alaska.”
Marco: “Jean don’t…”
Jean: “Don’t be modest, He just earned his wings.”
Marco: “They are called ‘Jump Wings’ and Jean works for the state.”
Producer: “What does he do?”
Jean: “I actually can’t say.”
Producer: “Okay then, what are you guys going to do with the money?”
Jean: “Well Marco wants to open a Bistro with his Momma.”
Marco: “I can’t say what I want to do with the money yet.”
Bobby and Ellen Harvelle-Singer
Ellen: “We live in Sioux Falls, and got married a week and a half ago.”
Bobby: “Ten days, El.”
Ellen: “Don’t back talk to me Robert.”
Bobby: “I own Singer salvage and was the town drunk until she got ahold of me.”
Ellen: “And I just retired to move over to North Dakota, and left my Roadhouse with my daughter.
Bobby: And if we win I wanna take El on the honeymoon she deserves, ‘cause right now this is as good as it’s gonna get.”
Amy and Rory Pond
Amy: “We’ve been married for a long time.”
Rory: “A very, VERY long time.”
Amy: “Rory’s a nurse, and if we win, we’re gonna have a baby.”
Producer: “Awe, and what do you do?”
Rory: “She’s a kiss-a-gram.”
Amy: “Oi! I’m a police woman….Kiss-a-gram.”
Mickey and Martha Jones-Smith
Mickey: “We’re professional badasses.”
Martha: “Married, professional badasses.”
Producer: “Okay, guys, what do you really do?”
Martha: “We’re part of a secret underground organization.”
Producer: “At least tell us where you’re from?”
Martha: “That information is confidential and could endanger our lives.”
Mickey: “And if we win we will go climb Mt. Everest.”
Martha: *Laughs* “Done that, it is actually going to be our newly adopted daughter’s college fund.”
Mickey: “Yep our little Mels.”
Sam and Gabriel Novak
Gabriel: “We’re engaged, and we’re doing this to bond!”
Sam: “Ignore me, this is all Gabriel’s idea.”
Gabriel: “I own a candy shop, and my man here, he’s a lawyer.”
Sam: *Facepalm*
Gabriel: “We’re from L.A. and my candy shop, Angel’s Tears, and we’re actually having a special right now…”
Producer: “What?”
Gabriel: “a 16 pound gummy bear for 10.99…”
Producer: “A wha..?”
Sam: “Just let him finish.”
Gabriel: “Filled twislers, gummy worms, hot tamales, Mars Bars, Junior Mints, Milk duds, Paydays, cow tails, M&M’s, Nerd’s like Sammy here, Toffee, GatorGum, Dweebs also like Sammy here, Barnone, Max Headroom candy, Wacky Wafers, Rinky Dinks, Yummy Mummies, Punkys, PBMax, E.T. Candy, Dino Sour eggs, Bonkers, Candy Necklaces, Chu-Bops, Cherry chan, whoppers, Skittles, Reeses peanut butter cups, Rock candy, cotton candy, pop rocks, fudge, twix, Snickers, Kit-kat, three musketeers, Butterfinger, Milky ways, Crunch Bars, 100 Grand, Now and Laters, Sugar almonds, Candy corn, York peppermint patties, get the sensation kids, tootsie rolls, peanut brittle, Hershey’s kisses, squirrel nut zipper, Toblerone, Life savers, turtles, chocolate bark, mary jane’s, Candy Cigs, Goo Goo clusters, chuckles, jelly babies, babe ruth, mounds, Almond joy, Bit O Honey, Dum Dum lilipops, Laughy taffy, Heath bar,Dots,Smarties,MArshmellow peeps, pixie sticks, sweet tarts, ring pops, Big league chew, sour patch kids, Symphony Bars, Dove chocolate for all the ladies out there, don’t forget to try our ice cream bar, oh, and our giant lollipops and when I say giant, I mean gia……”
John Tyler, previously Smith, and Rose Tyler
Producer: “Okay, where are you from and what do you do?”
Rose: “You talk first.”
John: “No, you talk first, my beautiful rose petal.”
Rose: “No you love bug.”
John: “Nooo, you first smuttle umkins.”
Rose: “I don’t wanna talk first, you talk first my wittle fuzzy wuzzy.”
Mycroft Holmes and Greg Lestrange
Greg: “Would you put down that god damn umbrella. I swear you love that thing more than me.”
Mycroft: “On the contrary, I love you both equally.”
Greg: “Why do I even deal with you, you’re never home, you don’t put any effort into our civil union and I moved to D.C. for you and all you have been is a pain in my ass.”
Mycroft: “Gregor, I assure you that I would quite like to spend more time around the house, but I have actually been planning a surprise trip to see your mum for your birthday. You’re right, you did come all the way out here for me, and I couldn’t love you more for it. I assure you it was simply a jest when I said that I loved the umbrell….”
Greg: “Oh, come here you ruddy bastard.”
Meg Masters and Crowley MacLeod
Crowley: “So it is in the contract that we have to do…”
Meg: Sorry, two seconds, I have a question. Yeah you with your fancy clipboard and your visor. I asked for saltless ham in my sandwich back there and you know what they gave me? SPAM! I have to watch my sodium intake, you don’t get a body like this eating something like that.
Crowley: “Anyway, we’re from Austin and I myself write freelance contracts, and Meg here is a Bounty Hunter. If,”
Meg: “WHEN!”
Crowley: “we win, we are going to refurbish our house, it’s looking a lot like Hell these days.”
Meg: “And I wanna soup up my truck.”
John Smith and River Song
River: “Take off the fez.”
John: “No! Fez’s are cool”
River: “It looks worse than the Stetson”
Producer: “Okay guys, I have had a long day, can we please just get on with it.”
John: “Okay, we’re…”
River: “No, hush sweetie. We’re The Song’s,”
John: “Smith’s”
River: “And we’re married and from Salt lake city Utah, he’s a doctor and I kill people for a living!”
Producer: “What?!?!”
Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom
Producer: “Please, just tell me what you do, what your relationship is and what your gonna do with the money. PLEASE!”
Luna: “Oh, well I plan on funding Nargle reaserch.”
Producer: *Faceplam*
Remus and Tonks Lupin
Producer: “Please, please.”
Remus: “Well I married my beautiful wife six years ago, and she is too good for me.”
Tonks: “Oh, shut it no I’m not. I’m a cop and my husband owns a wolf reserve in Chugwater Wyoming.”
Remus: “And if we win we will take our 5 year old some Teddy to Disney Land.”
Producer: “Thank you freckled Jesus.”
Sirius Black and James Potter
James: “First off, we are not a homosexual couple.”
Sirius: “You sure about that Prongs?” *suggestive eyebrow wiggle*
Producer: “Booooys.”
Sirius: “Okay okay, we’re from Orlando Florida, and we both are professional underwater basket weaver’s bitches.”
James: “and if we win we are going to take our son”
Sirius: “HIS AND HIS WIFE’S SON!”
James: “Yes, YES, YES, YES, mine and Lily’s son! Who yes, is actual proof that I did sleep with Lilly Evans.”
Producer: “and you plan on.”
Sirius: “DOING IT AGAIN!”
James: “TAKING MY SON EAND MY SON’S BEST FRIEND TO DISNEY LAND! But hey mate, don’t tell Remus, it’s a surprise that I’m taking Teddy too.”
Spock and Nyota Uhura
Uhura: “I’m sorry Producer, two seconds. Spock you didn’t even think about us when you signed us up for this. Do you know how many couples break up after this show? The Producer knows too.”
Producer: “No, no, don’t drag me into this… She’s right though.”
Spock: “Your assertion that I do not care about us breaking us is incorrect. Nyota, you mistake my choice to feel as a reflection of my not caring. Well, I assure you, the Truth is precisely the opposite. You said you wanted to travel the world, and this is the only way for us to do it.”
Voldemort and Bellatrix
Voldemort: *Seductively strokes Nagini*
Bellatrix: “FILLTHY MUGGLES, THE DISGRACE, FORCING US TO BE IN THIS MOCKERY OF A SHOW!!! FILTHY BLOOD, A DISGRACE I TELL YOU, A DISGRACE. MY LORD, LET ME KILL THEM, PLEASE MY LORD.”
Producer: “SECURITY!!”
Severus Snape and Captain Jack Harkness
Producer: “Mr. Snape, can you tell me about your relationship?”
Snape: “What would you like to know? We are just friends.”
Jack: “With benefits.”
Snape: “Oh my Merlin.” *Head sinks into hands*
Jack: “Let me tell you about this one time after Sev here came back after his Job as a chemistry professor.”
Producer: “That’s quite enough!”
Ymir Maxwell and Historia Reiss
Historia: “Hello, I’m Historia and I work at my local soup kitchen in New York City. This is my girlfriend Ymir! She is a tattoo artist.”
Ymir: “Thank you sweet heart.”
Producer: “And what will you ladies do if you win?”
Ymir: “I want to open my own shop and Historia wants to have the soup kitchen renovated.”
Historia: “That is why we are doing this, because there is no room in the existing kitchen for all the children.”
Producer: “Well aren’t you two just pleasant.”
Chuck Shurley and Becky Rosen
Producer: “Okay guys, you’re the last group.”
Cameraman: *underbreath* “ Thank God”
Chuck: “What’s that?”
Cameraman: “Nothin’, nothin’.”
Becky: “Okay I’m Becky and I’m one of THE fans, like Cath from Fangirl! And this is my boyfriend Chuck, he writes the Supernatural Books. They are SO GOOD!!”
Chuck: “We’re from Kentucky, and..,”
Becky: “And Sam is a majestic beast with his fabulous butt.
Post Interviews
Producer: “I. Quit.”
Cameraman: “Who the hell were those people?”