Chapter Text
The morning set-up always took the most amount of time, but Faust could easily say that he didn’t mind it one bit. As much of a reputation as he had for being a bit off-kilter, he put an immense amount of effort into keeping his office space clean and well-functioning. He couldn’t even think of starting an appointment with something out of place.
From a glance, it was almost creepily picturesque- chairs organized neatly, not a single spot of dust, desk uncluttered aside from the can of pens and a little smiley squeeze-ball. Everything was in order, exactly as he liked it.
With the room finally to his liking, Faust sat down at his desk and looked over the daily schedule. Several of the blocks had already been filled ahead of time. He had a talk therapy session coming up, but that wasn’t for another hour or so. The schedule was similarly spotty all throughout the day, with the extra spaces either to be filled by walk-ins or by desk work. Business as usual. Just another day of work.
As if on cue, the intercom crackled to life. Faust leaned over and let the call through. “Yes?”
“Hello, Sensei!” The cheerful voice of Fanny greeted him. “We just got a walk-in, current state stable. Mr’s Badguy and Kiske. Are you currently free?”
“Ahh, yes. Send them in, please.”
Faust had met with both men on several occasions in the past, even if some of them involved swords pointed at his throat. Still, he knew them well. Few doctors could teleport to wherever need be in a pinch or could work miracles on Gears. Even with people such as them, he was well-equipped.
Although, it seemed like today bore a completely different problem, seeing as how Sol walked into his office strangely, head tipped back, the handle of the Fireseal jutting out of his mouth.
“Yes, I know it hurts.” Ky groaned, eyes betraying no hint of sympathy as he crossed his arms. “But it was your idea.”
Sol made another grumble, which Faust realized was some attempt at communication. He gestured for the two men to take the seats near his desk. Ky sat down, prim and poised, while it took Sol several minutes to sit down due to the odd angle he was forced to tilt his head at.
“Good morning, gentlemen.” Faust held up a hand. “I suppose the reason is obvious, but would you mind telling me what brings you to my office?”
“This buffoon,” said Ky, pointing his thumb at Sol, “took a bet from Sin that he could swallow the Fireseal. Of course, he was so focused on being correct-” he sent another scowl in the man’s direction “-that he didn’t account for the size of it, and managed to get it lodged in his throat.”
“I see.” The doctor scribbled down a few notes on his clipboard. “Have you attempted to move it already?”
“Slightly, but not much. Too much concern about doing it incorrectly.”
“Understandable. And Appreciated.” He nodded. “Anything to add to that, Mr. Badguy?”
Sol managed an unenthused grumble, rolling his eyes.
“Rest assured, sir. This isn’t the most unusual case I’ve experienced in my medical career. No need to be embarrassed!”
“So, doctor-” Ky offered a tenuous smile, “-I do hope this is treatable? The Fireseal is a very important relic, I’d hate for something to happen to it-”
Sol made a noise of offense as he glared at his old friend. “Yes, Sol, you as well. Relax.”
“Of course I know how to fix this! I’ve seen this kind of problem before.”
“...What is it?”
Reaching into his pocket, Faust pulled out a stick of butter.
“Take this!”
The two men exchanged dumbfounded looks. “Doctor Faust?” Ky ventured. “Are you...quite alright?”
“Absolutely spectacular, why do you ask?”
Ky pursed his lips, expression shifting. “I understand you’re known and respected for your...unorthodox methods. But what are we supposed to do with this?”
“Eat it!” Faust replied. “Butter is a remarkable lubricant, I’ve used it for many similar procedures.”
Sol made another undecipherable noise, almost smirking around the obstruction in his mouth as he sent Ky a look. The other man immediately went bright pink, and looked like he was about to slap him.
“Hmm. It appears the position is rather odd, Mr. Badguy, allow me to assist you!” With perhaps a bit too much roughness, Faust grabbed onto the handle and pulled Sol closer, unpeeling the butter and slathering it against the sides of the sacred, priceless weapon.
The king visibly flinched. “E-er, pardon, but are you sure that’s the only method you have for removing Fireseal?”
Faust paused, tapping his chin. “Well, in the case of desperate measures, I would be able to cut open the esophagus around it, though the process would be...messy.”
Ky actually looked like he was considering the prospect, until Sol made a panicked little noise. “Alright, alright, no dissection. I will- I will leave you to your work.”
“Thank you very much! I assure you, this won’t take long.”
Half of a butter stick and two rounds of ‘Ode to Joy’ later, Fireseal’s blunt edges were stained and slicked. Sol seemed very displeased by the mess, along with the smears that had managed to end up on his face.
If the doctor even noticed, he certainly didn’t care. He gave the blade handle a little shimmy, perking up as it shifted. “Looking good! Alright, now all that’s left is to remove the obstruction. Are you ready, Mr. Badguy?”
“Do you need any assistance?” Asked Ky.
“Oh, no, no, I assure you I have this handled. I’m sure a Gear is more than capable of handling my weight.”
Sol’s expression went blank. “Mmhh?”
“Hu-up!”
With a grandiose little jump, Faust moved from calmly standing to sitting perched on his patient’s shoulders, perfectly balanced. At least, it was perfectly balanced for all of a moment, as Sol recoiled and lost his balance, stumbling back and forth.
Ky tried to intervene. “Dr. Faust-”
“I assure you, Mr. Kiske!” He interrupted. “This-”
*crash*
“-is absolutely-”
*crash*
“-normal!”
*CRASH*
The two came to a stop in the pile of where the chairs had been stacked neatly against the wall, now in disarray with a few busted legs. Faust hardly seemed to care, though, as he beamed proudly under his bag, hefting the Fireseal over his head triumphantly.
“Ta-daaa!”
Ky rushed over, a look of worry etched into his features. “Sol? Are you alright?”
“Ugh...f’k, feels l’k I got stabbed…” The man coughed and gasped as he stumbled out of the mess, rubbing his throat the entire time. He looked far less dangerous than usual, partly due to the smears of butter still left on his face and trailing up into his shaggy hair.
“Well, I suppose you did, in a way.” His companion sighed, rubbing his temples. “At least that’s done with. Are there any substantial damages, doctor?”
“I’d need to find my flashlight to get a good look inside, but-”
“I meant on the weapon.”
Sol glared. “Are you serious?”
“You can heal, Sol.” Ky replied. “I’m not as worried when I know you heal quickly.”
“Oh, sure, it’s totally okay when it’s me, but when I stab you it’s ‘assault and battery’ and ‘you have grounds to arrest me.’”
“You’re the one who got it lodged there in the first place, you only have yourself to blame for this!”
“Gentlemen, if I may-” Faust spoke hastily, already picturing the damage costs that the two of them could do to his office. “I do have a schedule to keep. Might I ask you to take it outside?”
Ky nodded politely, glaring as Sol ripped his sword from the doctor’s hands. “Of course. I apologize. Do I pay you here?”
He shook his head. “I’ll have Fanny send an invoice to the castle. Just send it back at your earliest convenience.”
“Wonderful! I can’t thank you enough for seeing us so promptly.”
“Of course, your majesty. Mr. Badguy, go easy on speaking until your throat heals up. If any concerns arise, don’t hesitate to call.”
“Whatever.”
“Would it pay you to ever say ‘thank you,’ Sol?”
“Don’t even start, boy scout-”
The doctor held the door for them as they left. “Take care!”
Before the front door even slammed shut, Faust could hear a crackle of lightning, followed by the sound of a small explosion that was probably setting fire to the lawn.
...It was going to be one of those days, wasn’t it?