Chapter Text
He doesn't know these halls or these people. He knows James, who still refuses to drop the 'commander' or the salute, and he knows Anderson who he argues with as they walk towards the defence committee, but besides them he's lost in a sea of unrecognisable faces and the Alliance.
"Good luck in there, Shepard," James says almost as soon as they've stepped into the last hallway, and Shepard tears his eyes from Anderson's back to turn around and shake the man's hand almost automatically. Anderson's footsteps continue on, but he chooses not to follow him, and to instead thank James and clap his shoulder. James grins back at him, his grip firm, and Shepard has the urge to just not go and face the ridiculous committee before a familiar voice calls out.
"Shepard."
He goes ridged for all of a second before he swings around and sees him standing there, looking more surprised than Shepard feels.
"Kaidan?" he says, and he tries not to feel hurt at the flinch on Kaidan's face as he just stares at Shepard with a half open mouth and a crushed expression that Shepard knows so well from Horizon, and Kaidan's fingers are twitching like he wants to move forward and do something, but no words are coming to Shepard's head except Kaidan Kaidan Kaidan-
"How'd it go in there, Major?" Anderson interrupts, clearly feeling the discomfort radiating from the two of them as they just stand there stupidly staring at one another, and Shepard mentally thanks him as he moves forward with his eyes still on the other man.
"Okay, I think. Hard to know. I'm just waiting for orders now," and oh how Shepard has missed this man, missed everything from the way he always gives that cocky grin when he's convinced he done something right, all the way down to how he even sums up a meeting. Shepard wants to laugh at himself, call himself pathetic and every name under every sun, but instead he shoulders past Anderson and stands staring at Kaidan in shock.
"Major?" he finally chokes out, wincing at his strangled voice, and Anderson's eyebrow shoots up as he stares at him in obvious disbelief, while Kaidan just looks confused before what looks like a resigned smile appears on his face.
"You hadn't heard?"
"No. I'm a bit out of the loop these days," he tries not to sound bitter, but by the look on Kaidan's face, as it drops and Kaidan glares at the ground with hostility Shepard hasn't seen in a long time, he doesn't succeed.
"Sorry, sir," he all but snaps, and to everyone else's ears Shepard has no doubt he sounds at least mildly respectful, but to his own he can feel the anger and the blame, "didn't mean to keep you out of the loop."
Still some resentment from Horizon then, from being alive, for not contacting him and telling him he's on a suicide mission from hell, Shepard thinks, and he offers Kaidan a torn smile that makes the other man's eye literally twitch in undoubtedly irritation as he calmly says, "I'm sure you had your reasons."
"Yeah, I suppose I did," and Shepard hates the newfound hostility, something that his Kaidan hadn't even known about… not that Kaidan was ever his, but he watches as Kaidan's face falls and he gives Shepard his own broken smile, "still, it's good to see you-"
"Admiral!"
Shepard gives the approaching lady a reproachful glare, especially when he sees the way Kaidan falters in his words and falls quiet, but Anderson just grimaces and nods as he barks, "come on" at Shepard.
He doesn't listen to Anderson, too busy looking at Kaidan who seems to busy looking anywhere but at Shepard, and his chest literally aches as he tries to scrounge up some words to say. Anything.
"I'm sor-"
"Save it," Kaidan cuts him off cooly, "you have a meeting you're supposed to go to."
"Kaidan. We need to talk. I can't leave things like this between us."
His eyes soften, and Shepard steps closer as Kaidan's stance becomes more receptive, but his tone doesn't change as he jerks his head in the direction of the waiting Anderson.
"After," he says, "we'll talk after, okay? But for now, go."
He obeys, his eyes on Kaidan as he walks past, and he manages to muster up a small smile to match Kaidan's almost reluctant one as he gets nodded at, and he has to resist the urge to draw the man into the tightest of hugs as he clenches his hands into fists. He's by Anderson, but not out of hearing distance when he hears James ask "you know the commander?".
He refuses to punch a nearby wall when he hears Kaidan's reply of, "I used to", and instead squares his shoulders as he marches into the meeting with a steely determination.
And later, when he's standing on the Normandy's landing ramp watching Anderson run back into the burning city, the Reapers landing in the destroyed remains, evacuation shuttles blowing up in the sky, the dog tags in his fist cutting harshly into the skin on his palm as he refuses the stinging in his eyes... he leans back into Kaidan until their shoulders knock and the man says "it's okay".