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He latched the door behind Melissa and resumed his seat at the table, gun in hand. Staring into the darkness, waiting. Waiting to kill the men who had – who had hurt Scully. He couldn't bring himself to think "killed Scully" because it would be like accepting that she was going to die. And he could not accept that – he absolutely refused to accept that. Even though her death seemed almost certain at this point, he would not give up on her as long as there was that tiny bit of hope that she would live.
He simply couldn't face it. He couldn't stand the idea of waking up a couple days from now to a world that no longer contained Scully. Of being completely alone, once again.
Maybe the men who'd hurt Scully would finish him off, too, and then he wouldn't have to face that moment.
In any case, in another – he glanced at his watch – thirty-eight minutes, he would have his revenge on those bastards.
Those fucking bastards. Scully didn't deserve this. His brain clicked back onto its track, repeating the same things he'd been thinking over and over again before Melissa had knocked on his door. Fucking bastards. They did this to Scully. I'll fucking kill them.
Unbidden, Melissa's voice floated through his head. Why is it so much easier for you to run around trying to get even than just expressing to her how you feel?
What good would that do? he argued with her. Expressing how I feel – how is that going to help anyone? At least I'm actually doing something, instead of just sitting around and watching her die. I'm knocking off the fuckers who did this to her.
I expect more from you. Dana expects more. Even if it doesn’t bring her back, at least she’ll know. And so will you.
But what was there for her to know?
She was the only person he truly trusted. He'd almost forgotten what it was like to trust another person until she'd come along. When she'd walked into his basement office that March morning, he'd been prepared to be constantly suspicious of her, as he had been a year later when Krycek came along; as he was with everyone he knew. Everyone except for her. She'd proven herself, time and time again, to be his ally. She was on his side.
That was what still amazed him – that she was, and had always been, on his side. Oh, she thought his theories were nuts, just like everyone else – but she respected him, despite his crazy ideas. While everyone else at the Bureau snickered at him behind his back and called him "Spooky," she stood by him. She defended him to those assholes.
And despite his frustration with her refusal to believe, he had to admit that her science had helped them countless times in the field. She was as intractable in her belief in science as he was in his belief in the paranormal, but together the two of them balanced each other out.
And now he was about to lose her. His trusted friend, his one and only ally. He was about to lose her and it was his own damn fault.
He couldn't believe how much that hurt. It hurt... as impossible as it seemed, it hurt even more than losing Samantha. It trumped the pain that he'd carried around with him all these years.
But Samantha was his sister. He'd only known Scully for a little over a year, and he hadn't even realized how vitally important she was to him until she was taken away. How had he grown so attached to her so quickly? When had she become so essential to him that he couldn't face the prospect of life without her?
Why is it so much easier for you to run around trying to get even than just expressing to her how you feel?
How do I feel? he wondered.
The answer was right there, staring him in the face. It had been there all along, but he hadn't seen it until this moment.
He loved her.
The words jolted through his mind like electricity. They had been lurking in the back of his head for months, but he had never allowed them into his conscious thoughts before this moment.
He was in love with Dana Scully.
And she was about to die.
He stood up suddenly, in a kind of fury. He looked once more at the gun on the table, hesitating just one moment longer, and then grabbed his keys and his coat and walked out the door.
I hope you're happy, Melissa.