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Commander Seri Shepard was... intriguing. That was the twelfth definition Kaidan Alenko settled on. She was tall, fit and beautiful, despite the long scar on her face; she wore her black hair on an uncompromising bun, and had a no-nonsense tone about everything. Still, she had a wicked sense of the absurd she occasionally let shine through. Kaidan had been interested from the first moment he'd seen her.
She was as efficient as one could expect from a war hero who single-handedly saved a colony, and rose through the ranks with cold determination.
After she'd joined the crew of SSV Normandy, they'd seen her become a Spectre, and carry that as any of her duties, with pride and efficiency, never compromising her humanity. They'd followed her through assignments on different planets and seen her in one difficult situation after another. They knew what kind of person she was. They knew they could count on her and she on them.
But none of them actually knew her any better than they had on the day they'd landed on Eden Prime. She was friendly with her crew, yet gave nothing away.
That's why everyone was so surprised that when she announced a short break on the Citadel for some badly needed R&R, she invited some of the crew members to spend the evening with her.
Joker opted to stay behind with the skeleton crew left to man the Normandy but Ashley, Kaidan and the new addition to the crew, Liara T'Soni, accepted her invitation.
They ended up in Flux, taking over a table and spending the night drinking, relaxing, getting to know each other, getting to know Liara.
They still mostly referred to each other with their ranks or surnames. It takes a lot of intimacy to get rid of the habits of a life time, Kaidan mused, and thought that he couldn't really think of his commanding officer as 'Seri'.
The name did suit her, though, economical and efficient, slightly exotic and unique. Just like her.
He had always preferred softer women, finding relationships in the Fleet to be too hazardous. It was easier not to look, not to think of the women as women but as fellow soldiers.
It was harder to do with her. For the first time he found himself attracted to strength and power, and the palpable sense of danger she exuded. Her body... well. Despite her strength she was all woman, and seeing her well-formed behind in front of him during operations was proving quite distracting.
And he'd never thought to find scars sexy but the long pink scar snaking from her left eyebrow to her straight nose was oddly attractive on her. He often wondered how she'd got it, why it wasn't completely healed and fixed. Not that he'd ever ask. He found it hard to ask her anything, because he wanted to ask so much. He didn't want to alert her to his attraction, didn't want to make things awkward.
He was still happy when Ashley asked those questions, like now. With the courage from her third glass she asked her about her name.
”'Seri'. Where's that come from? Is it shortened from something?”
”Quite likely but I don't know,” the commander answered. She obviously didn't mind the question but still made it clear she was not willing to continue with the subject.
Apparently, Doctor T'Soni wasn't good at reading humans.
”How could you not know where your name comes from?” she asked, frowning.
”I don't remember who gave it to me,” Shepard said, shrugging.
Kaidan suddenly remembered her file, which they'd all checked out when they found she was to be their XO on Normandy. ”Parents: unknown.” Right. Damn.
”Oh! I'm sorry,” Liara stammered.
Shepard almost smiled at her.
”Don't worry about it.”
She didn't smile nearly enough. Kaidan had gotten a few smiles out of her and prided himself over that. But he was not going to feel jealous over the fact she was smiling at someone else. No. Not even the beautiful and smart Asari who was obviously more than a little interested in the commander herself. Not a chance.
The conversation turned to something less personal, and the evening went on companionably. Even Kaidan could feel himself relax, smile, tease the women – even Shepard.
Suddenly there was a loud shout from somewhere behind them.
”Com-man-der Shepard!” a voice said, stressing the rank as if it was an insult.
Kaidan could see Shepard sit up straighter, unreadable expression on her face. She turned to look at the man slowly.
He had walked closer, insolence and something else on his face. He was in civilian clothes, about her age, blond and handsome.
”The living, breathing proof that it pays to fuck your commanding officer,” he went on with the same tone.
Everyone in the table tensed, but Shepard quieted them with a small hand gesture. Kaidan was surprised to see a smile on her face.
”What can I say, she was prettier than you.”
The man smirked.
”Who'd'ya fuck to be made a Spectre?”
”The devil himself,” she replied quietly, and he sobered up as well.
”Yeah, I heard about Eden Prime.”
”I don't think I've been that close to Hell since I was five,” she said, and got up.
”And this time I didn't have you with me,” she went on, standing close to the stranger
The man smiled, and suddenly he hugged her, and amazed Kaidan could see the others in the table were equally surprised by the change in tone.
”Hey, Seri, been too long,” the stranger muttered, holding her tight.
”Missed you, Marks,” she muttered back, then let him go, and invited him to join them.
”Marks, my crew – Lieutenant Alenko, Chief Williams and Doctor T'Soni. Guys, Lieutenant Marks. Congratulations on the promotion, by the way.”
”Oh, you knew?”
”I keep up” She smiled gently.
”Yeah,” he said, smiling back, and for a moment they were in their own world.
Kaidan wanted to hit something. Preferably them. With an uncontrolled burst of his biotic powers.
”But did you know I got married?” Marks asked, and Kaidan unclenched his fists. She was obviously happy for the news.
”Who?” she asked, smiling brightly.
He smiled happily. ”Carrington.”
”You lucky dog! Congratulations to you both.”
”Thanks. We're thinking of handing in our papers, going back home.”
”Home? As in Earth or as in...?” She left the end open but it was obvious to the others in the table they both knew what she was referring to.
”The latter,” he replied, swallowing. ”We thought... well, we're thinking of maybe adopting a kid. To get someone off the streets. You know. Like we wished we could.”
”Just one?” she teased.
”Well, you know. A boy and a girl... someone who deserves a better life.”
”I wish all the best for you.”
”Thanks. Look, I have to go, but it was great seeing you, Seri. All of you. Do keep in touch.”
”I try. But you know, it's always... enough to know you're somewhere, and alive.”
”I know what you mean. Do I want to know why they made you a Spectre by the way? Not that you don't deserve it, it's just... something big's going on. Do I want to know about it?”
”No. Go start a family with Carrington. Save those kids. I'll save the universe for you.” From her it was not a joke, it was a solemn promise.
”Thanks. And stop by when you're done,” Marks said, getting up, touching her face softly. ”Those kids will want to get to know their aunt.”
Kaidan could swear her eyes got moist at that. Her smile was bright when she got up to hug him again.
”You tell that husband of yours he's one lucky dog as well.”
Ash choked on her drink at that.
Seri turned to face her after Marks had left the bar.
”You promised me you are not a bigot,” she reminder the chief.
”I'm not! But... oh never mind.”
”What's the matter?” Liara asked.
”New research subject for your human studies,” Seri said dryly. ”It was called homosexuality, and was frowned upon at one point in human history. Some religious groups still object to it.”
”Same-sexuality? As in, mating with your own gender? But I thought humans couldn't reproduce like that?”
”Precisely,” Seri replied, and gestured for another drink.
The evening wound up quite soon after that.
”Aunt?” Kaidan asked quietly when they made their way back towards Normandy. The term had troubled him all through the night but he hadn't had the guts to approach it until now.
Seri turned to smile to him widely.
”Marks is the closest thing I have for a brother. We've never verbalised it before, but it's always been there.”
There was more he could ask, about the streets, about their past but wasn't drunk enough. Nor was she drunk enough to actually answer those questions.
* * * * *
”Yet another request from the Fifth Fleet,” Shepard informed them while they were suiting up.
”We've been asked to investigate a ship in this system, suspected of unspecified illegal activity. Since we don't know what we're up against, we're going in in force.”
Despite their worry, they met with no resistance when they boarded the ship. As they advanced, they were met with a single human male with a pistol.
Shepard came to an abrupt halt when seeing him. She pointed her pistol at him and spoke with an icy voice.
”Where's your cargo?”
”I have no idea what you're talking about, Alliance. You've boarded my ship illegally...”
”Do not fuck with me, Peters. Where are the prisoners?”
He frowned and looked at her, obviously trying to recognise her through the helmet. She removed it, and watched his eyes widen in shock.
He raised the pistol, and Shepard put a single round through his head.
”Spread out and search for the cargo. There will be another man. He is mine.”
She was always economical when giving orders but now she was even more clipped that usual. Her voice was still icy cold.
The other man was in the cockpit, and his recognition was instant.
”Serafina...” he whispered.
She fired before he could reach for his gun. Kaidan shared a look with Ashley, then shrugged. She was a Spectre, she could do that.
When they found 'the cargo', neither one could blame her any more.
”Shepard!” Wrex called after forcing open a door. They all gathered around.
The hold was filled with children. Scared, dirty, ranging from toddlers to pre-teens. Some were wounded, others merely frightened.
Shepard let her gun and helmet drop to the floor and took a step into the hold.
”It's over,” she said, and her voice was no longer cold. ”The bad men are dead and will never hurt you again. Ever.”
A girl, about five, walked closer to her. ”Never-ever?” she asked, with dried tears on her face.
Shepard stooped down to gather her in her arms. ”Promise,” she whispered.
Wrex collected her belongings, and offered the gun back to her. She holstered it and turned, still holding the kid.
”Garrus, search for any records. Anything that could tell us where they are from. The rest of you, help me get them to Doctor Chakwas.”
Herding the children towards Normandy, and pondering about Shepard's reaction, Kaidan felt the first stirrings of a migraine.
He tried to will it off, like he did in the battle. It didn't work. Yesterday's fight against the mercenaries had drained him, and now he was paying for it.
He held off as long as he could before stumbling towards the med room, hours after the debrief, knowing he'd left it too late. Even the dim light inside the ship was hurting his eyes, and he knew he'd have no free pod since it was not his sleeping shift.
And med bay was filled with kids.
The doctor took one look at him and then turned to look at her tiny medical facility, frowning.
”Well, if we move more kids to share beds...” she said hesitantly while administering his medication.
”No need. Lt. Alenko can rest in my quarters,” came a female voice from behind Kaidan, and then he could feel Shepard leading him away from the noise and the light, and he was really too out of it all to really understand what was going on.
Then he was helped into a bed – a real bed – and a cool cloth covered his eyes.
”Thanks,” he muttered, trying to let the medicine let him fall asleep until the hellish attack on his brain was over.
When he woke up, it took him a while to gather his wits. Migraine, Shepard... in her private cabin? He was lying in her bed. Damn.
He sat up, stretching his neck, then came to a halt when he saw Shepard.
She was sitting on the floor at the other end of the cabin, hugging her knees and staring into nowhere.
He got up, and walked to where she was. She didn't move a muscle or indicate that she'd noticed him in any way.
”Shepard?” he said, quietly.
No reaction.
”Seri?”
She raised her head slowly and looked at him.
”I guess I know where it comes from, now.”
For a moment he was confused, then remembered how the man in the ship had addressed her.
He sat on the floor next to her, surprised by his boldness. But there was an air of vulnerability around her he'd never seen.
Still, he had no idea what to say. He'd told her everything about himself, all his secrets – well, those about his biotic training, at least – but he knew nothing about her. About her background, about her training – after all, she had some biotic abilities as well but had obviously not been in the same facility as he.
But now her past had obviously caught up with her and he was an unwanted witness to it – at least so he assumed. But he couldn't leave her alone.
”I have no memories of my life before I was about five,” she began, quietly. ”I have no idea who my parents are, or what happened to them. Maybe my mother abandoned me because I was different, maybe she died in the streets... maybe *they* stole me from them... All I remember is the pain. I was taken... from wherever, and I fought. That's when I was injured.” She touched her scar.
”After that I was damaged goods and Laine couldn't sell me. So he kept me himself.”
Kaidan was pressing his hands into fists so tight it hurt. He didn't want to hear this. He didn't want to think of her as one of the kids they'd rescued from that Hell.
”He must have recognised me from the scar. I was only hi... there for a... I don't even know how long. Weeks? Months? Less than a year anyway. I guess I made an impression. He never touched me without getting marks of his own. Maybe some of them even scarred.
”That's where I met Marks. There were always other kids around, but they all got sold, sooner or later. Or used by clients in the premises. We got away.”
She hid her face in her hands.
”We got away and we left all the others there.”
Kaidan felt his hand move on its own volition, and end up on her shoulder.
”You were five, you were lucky to get out at all! You can't feel guilty for not managing more.”
She raised her head, and shot a quick glance at him before resuming staring into the distance.
”We were alone in the streets, two kids of about five. So we joined a gang.”
”Ten Street Reds,” Kaidan said, remembering the man who had threatened Shepard.
”Yes. We didn't care about the ideological side. For us it meant security. Food, shelter, protection. No one could touch us ever again as long as we were part of them. The Reds arranged for an implant for me, a shady quack job for an L2 but at least it meant I was able to control the whole thing better. I never had anyone to teach me to use my abilities, though, so I settled for learning to live with them. I have actually learnt more about my potential here, during this mission, than ever before. Watching you and Liara use your powers has inspired me to learn to control mine better. I've always counted on my other skills more.
”Marks and I were wary about people, about being touched, but in the gang 'personal space' meant enough room to breath comfortably. So we learnt to deal with it. It was also then we developed our unique way of showing affection by trading insults. If no one could see how much we cared about each other, no one could use us against each other.
”Being in such close quarters meant there were little secrets, little taboos. We never had sex, though. But we learnt to deal with it. See enough casual nudity you don't think it's sexual anymore. Kinda like shared quarters in the military. Appear confident about your sexuality and no one will think they can threaten you with it. Make brash jokes and everyone will think you're normal.
”We learnt to fight, dirty and unarmed, because that's what you had to do to survive. We learnt to use any weapon we got our hands on. And by the time I was about 15 I had papers good enough to enlist and get the hell out of Earth.”
”Fifteen!” Kaidan couldn't help but interject.
She smiled at that. ”Yeah. Don't tell anyone,” she said, grinning, and her eyes weren't dead anymore.
”Holy...”
”Military suited me just fine. I'd lived my life doing what I had to, obeying those bigger than me, and surviving. I didn't exactly make friends, and Marks and I soon separated due to different specialisations but... we kept up. I always checked the lists for him, and he for me. The knowledge that he was alive and well somewhere was always enough.
”I was always able to deflect propositions with humour, and my confident disinterest kept me safe. Then one day a superior officer made a pass at me. Physical, and insistent, and he ended up on his ass on the floor with a broken nose. There was an investigation. Seeing that he outranked me no one believed my side of it, and... well, let's just say that the shore leave that took me to Elysium wasn't entirely voluntary.
”You know what happened next. We were attacked, and I did what I'd always done – survived. Afterwards, the brass couldn't pin medals on me fast enough and the investigation was reopened and the officer in question dishonorably discharged. And I kept rising in ranks.
”So now I'm here. And my own personal bogey men are dead, and I have a ship filled with kids that tear open old wounds I thought had scarred shut ages ago. And I still have to save the universe,” she concluded with desperate humour.
Unable to tell her how much he appreciated her trust in him by sharing all this Kaidan merely squeezed the shoulder he was still holding.
”I'm here for you. I always will be.” It just had to be enough for now.
Her eyes said it was. ”Thank you.”
* * * * *
Kaidan couldn't believe Ash was dead. He couldn't believe he wasn't. He couldn't believe Shepard... Seri... Shepard had made the call.
He was standing alone, staring out of the view port, not seeing the stars but a tanned face of the gunnery chief.
Her face was replaced by a paler face but one that was real. Shepard. He wasn't sure how he felt about talking to her. What's she'd say, what he'd say. Whether they'd blame each other for what had happened.
”Kaidan,” she said quietly, and something in him was relieved. If she blamed him she'd be referring to him by his rank. ”Would you... I... We need to talk.”
He followed her into her cabin but once there she didn't seem to know what to say. She paced the floor while he stood by her desk and didn't say a word.
”I don't know what to think,” she finally said. ”I made the call, and it was hard, but... the thing I feel mostly guilty for is the fact that I don't feel guilty.”
She stopped, and turned to look at him.
”But I don't know who made the decision, Commander Shepard, or Seri Shepard? It was the right choice strategically. The mission was to blow up the place so naturally I needed to secure the charge. But I also suspect that had your positions been reversed, I'd have still chosen you. So... did I make the right decision for wrong reasons?”
She turned away again but didn't resume the pacing.
”But what really, really kills me is... I didn't even like her. I tried. And occasionally I almost did, and then she'd say something horrible and bigoted, like the 'I can't tell the aliens from the animals' on Citadel and... And the decision was really easy to make, in the end. And now I feel bad because it was really easy to make. And I know you feel bad for the right reasons and that made me hesitate about saying anything. Still, it was my decision to make, and I made it. And now I'll have to live with it.”
”Seri...”
She turned to look at him again, and took a step closer. ”I couldn't let you die. Not when the alternative was her.”
He took a step closer as well, raised his hand... This was what they had been heading to, and yet it surprised and exhilarated him to hear her refer to it openly, to talk about it. He touched her arm, his other hand reaching to touch her cheek, he was leaning forward...
Joker's voice pulled them apart, recalled them back to duty. Commander Shepard was needed on the bridge. Which meant Seri Shepard took the backseat again. And Kaidan became just a lieutenant.
* * * * *
He'd only gone to her to tell her he supported her decision, stood with her in this mutiny, considered it an honour to have served with her, no matter what would happen on Ilos.
But she turned it personal, forced him to vocalise his feelings, this thing that was between them but which he had been reluctant to pursue – not only because of the regs but because he knew she was... Well, not damaged as such but... Knowing she had only known sex as pain did put a dampener on one's libido. And they would have had to deal with it sooner or later. And...
Ever since that discussion after Ash's death he'd known she was emotionally invested in this, him, as well, and it wasn't all just meaningless flirtation. But they'd never... they hadn't... talked about it, much less done anything about it.
But now the moment was here, she was asking him to...
”Stay here tonight, with me.”
”Seri...”
She turned away, hugging herself, taking it as rejection. The rare vulnerability was back.
He took a decisive step forward and placed his hand on her back.
”I'd love to. Believe me, I would. But... What are you asking, exactly? I don't think I can just... sleep next to you,” he pointed out with humour directed at himself.
She turned slowly, pulled him closer.
”Then don't.” She kissed him lightly. ”I don't know what I can give, if anything. And anything you'll get you need to work for,” she teased with self-deprecating humour. ”But I want to... Oh God, do I want to.”
And then they were kissing again, deeper this time, and although he could tell she wasn't used to it she wasn't lacking in inspiration. Still, she was shaking, if only barely perceptibly.
”This is for you, Seri. Ask me to stop anytime, and I will.” He laughed. ”I know you could fight me off, that's not it, but I promise you won't need to.”
”I trust you,” she said simply and damn, if those words weren't suddenly the scariest and greatest in the whole language for Kaidan.
He took it slow, caressing and kissing her with their clothes on. It made him feel like a teenager but then again, it was so much better than when he was young because a) he knew what he was doing and b) he had the whole night, and it didn't need to stop with the caresses.
When he felt that she wasn't nervous anymore, he turned the caresses a shade bolder, touching her bare skin under her shirt, getting rid of her bra and touching and kissing every bit of exposed skin he could reach.
She was beautiful. No scars on her breasts, or her toned stomach, some slight markings on her side which he licked and kissed on his way down.
She wasn't going to just lie there passively but reached for his shirt, and he helped her to get rid of it. She pulled him against her, and reached for another kiss. Kaidan was soon forgetting himself and his mission, getting lost in her kisses, the exploring tongue, the hot mouth, the scraping teeth, her battle-hardened hands tracing the muscles on his back...
They'd rolled so that he was on top of her but he now moved to lie next to her. He didn't want to make her feel threatened or over-powered. Especially not when he let his hands slide towards her pants, hungry himself but determined to make it good for her.
He braced himself up on his left elbow and let his right hand trace figures on her thighs, stomach, butt, all the while kissing her. When he reached for the fastenings on her pants, she helped her to get rid of them, and the boots, and then she was naked in his arms, still willing, still distracted by his kisses.
He kept tracing those random figures on her thighs, on the soft skin of the inner side, edging closer to his goal until she was moaning into his mouth.
”Please,” she whispered against his lips.
”Please what?” he asked, stilling.
”Touch me already,” she commanded, and bit his lip playfully.
He kissed her, punishment or reward, he wasn't sure but he also used her distraction to move his fingers to where she needed them the most, touching, teasing, studying... returning to her clitoris, rubbing, circling, taking his cues from her moans and movements, speeding up his movements when she stilled, and seemed to stop breathing... and then she was shaking again, clutching him closer, pressing his legs together so that he had to stop moving his hand, and could only hold on to her as she rode the waves of her orgasm. Then just held her while she gathered herself.
”Wow,” she whispered, laughing at herself. ”If I'd known it felt like that I might have given it a shot sooner.”
She raised a hand to wipe sweat off his chest, then let her hand stray lower until it reached the bulk in his pants. ”But it was a bit one-sided.”
”Yes,” Kaidan admitted, grinning. ”I had all the fun,” he explained, then gasped when she squeezed lightly.
”Come on, Lieutenant, show me more.”
He turned them around again so that she was sitting on top of him, helping her to remove his pants, to touch him, to take him in her, and choose her own angle and speed.
”Shh, slowly. Give yourself a second to adjust,” he whispered when she bit her lip.
”Doesn't hurt, really. You're just... well, big.”
He grinned at her. ”You learn fast. Flattery is a sure way to get repeat cust...” he bid his own lip, cursing his own stupidity.
Her face softened, and she leaned in to kiss him. ”Stop worrying. I'm not going to break, not physically, not mentally. Move. And that's an order.”
He thought about saying something about that but decided he really didn't have the concentration for making more jokes. Not when she looked like that. Not when she moved like... that... He felt his hands move to her hips, almost on their own volition, as he started thrusting, gently first, then when she seemed to enjoy it with more strength.
His hands slid up to touch her breasts, and when she seemed to like that, too, he raised his upper body so that he could kiss and lick them and still continue to fuck her. She was writhing now, moaning in his arms, moving in counter-rhythm to his moves, and he didn't even mind the fact he wouldn't last long because he knew she couldn't take much anyway. Not the first time.
He slid one hand back down, just pressing finger against her clit so that every move rubbed it against her, and it wasn't long before she was moaning her release once again. He followed soon after, hiding his own moans into her neck before they collapsed in a sweaty pile on the bed.
”Hi,” she whispered, face inches from his, beautiful and tousled and sexy. Her hair had escaped from its habitual bun and was falling down to her shoulders.
”Hi,” he whispered back, smiling, besotted.
”Thank you,” she said, pulling him closer.
”No, thank *you*,” he said, wrapping his arms around her.
They lay in silence for a while.
”When can we do that again?” she asked, still smiling.
He groaned. ”I've created a monster.” But he pressed her closer nonetheless.
She grinned, and kissed him on the lips.
”Yes. But only with you,” she clarified.
There were many things he could say. ”Good” being the mildest. So what came out of his mouth?
”I love you, Seri.”
He almost wanted to bite his lip again for letting the words out but he couldn't regret them, not really. This night, this relationship, couldn't really change while they were out here. She was still the commander, and he was still a lieutenant, and they still had to save the universe. But at least she had this night, those words. That was what Kaidan could give Seri.
”Thank you,” she whispered again.
And it was good. He didn't need her to say the words back. Maybe she felt them, maybe she didn't. But she felt something, thought he was important, and had trusted him with this. It was enough.
”So... when *can* we do it again?” she asked with a mischievous smile.
He grinned at her predatorily, then moved.
”Well, we can't do *that* for a while because you're bound to be sore,” he explained, moving down her body. ”But we can do this,” he said, dipping his head down and licking her.
Whatever she had intended to say came out as a moan.
* * * * *
After her meeting with the Council was over they stood together in the scarred landscape of the ruined Citadel.
”What now?” Kaidan asked.
”If that's the lieutenant asking his commander... Shore leave for all, if ever so short, and then back to work trying to keep this galaxy safe.”
She relaxed her military pose, and turned to smile at him. ”But it Kaidan is asking Seri, then I suppose you could take me to meet your family on Earth.”
He could only stare at her.
”You *are* going to make an honest woman out of me, aren't you?” she teased, and reached out to gently push his hanging jaw up.
”I said, 'only you', and I meant it,” she clarified, serious now. ”I don't care if it means we get married or not. I just know I'm not letting you go.”
”Does that mean we have to go get your brother's approval, too?” he asked, finally regaining his sense of humour.
”Yeah, why not,” she said, grinning. ”Let's take Garrus and Wrex along and scare the kids.”
There were new cuts all over her body, some of them might even scar. Some of the things they'd witness during their travels would no doubt haunt their nightmares for years. But she was still beautiful. She was still confident and strong. Only now Kaidan knew what was behind that confidence, what was the basis of that strength, and he could see behind the cold aloofness. It would take a lot of work for her to be able to say those words to him but now he knew with absolute certainty that she loved him.
He could live with that.