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"and so it seems I must always write you letters that I can never send"
- Sylvia Plath
Dear Idiot Brother,
There's a lie I tell myself every night before I go to bed. I repeat it over and over (and over) again like a mantra until my eyes grow heavy and tongue becomes lead.
I hate you.
I miss you.
I forgive you.
The first one is a confession - one I shamefully sob and growl when I can no longer hold on to my love for you.
Because while little sisters shouldn't hate their big brothers I can't always maintain the farce of being alright. Of being the loving sister to the prodigal brother who left her behind.
You left me.
I was nine years old and you left me to watch our mother rot away on the planet of rain.
Mami needed you, I needed you , and you left.
The second one is the truth - little sister's need their big brothers after all.
You were my hero, my role model. When I was little I was always following right behind you, chasing after you (I guess I haven't grown out of that yet). You were always the name on the tip of my tongue. "Kamu-nii look at this flower I found!"
"Kamu-nii wait for me!"
"Kamu-nii —"
When you left I'd still find myself calling you before remembering you were gone.
I was no longer talking to a brother, just an empty space you used to fill.
Sometimes I still find myself with your name caught in my throat.
"Kamu-nii, earth sure is strange huh —"
The lie is the last one. Because wanting to and doing so are two different things, and I'm not sure I'm able to forgive you yet.
You tried to kill Papi.
You abandoned me and Mami.
You tried to kill me.
Every night it's the same nightmare.
We're back in Yoshiwara and there's blood and intestines and the scent of death permeates the air.
Gin-Chan and Shinpachi lie mangled at your feet, an undistinguishable mess of torn limbs and bloody tissue identified only by the shattered pair of glasses and the blood-soaked perm that was once silver. You stand over them smiling that damned smile and the words are cheerful and cruel.
"I don't have time for weaklings"
Then your bloody hands are around my neck. Squeezing, squeezing, until I'm jolted awake gasping for the breath you've robbed me of. And it's then that every lie and truth and confession spills from my lips.
I hate you. Its the ugly truth and no matter how much I love you I can't deny it.
I miss you. You're gone, you've been gone for a while now, but I wish you'd just come home already (home to me).
I forgive you. It's not true, I only want to. But someday I know I will.
So idiot brother, even if you never read this and it gets lost somewhere in space (or my closet), I'm writing in hopes that you'll be like the prodigal son of the stories and hurry home soon. I'm tired of speaking to the walls instead of you. And I have a family here on earth that I want you to meet (though I hope you never encounter the Sadist because the two of you are far to similar to not team up and form some kind of sadist alliance). So please, just hurry home soon so I can beat the living daylights out of you and get my idiot big brother back.
Love, Your Cute Little Sister,
Kagura
What you couldn't do I will, I forgive you, I'll forgive you
- For Blue Skies // Strays Don't Sleep