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Even though the room was warm, the pillow felt ice-cold under jay’s fingertips. laying on one side of the king sized bed, it felt like he was swimming in an ocean made of sheets as his body dips into the mattress. Alex was in the bathroom, again, taking his 2nd cold shower of the day. Running from Jay and their bed without any warning except, “n..need to go,” and running out of his light embrace like he was ablaze, leaving jay alone in the dark of their bedroom, now half empty.
Jay stayed silent, holding back the urge to go and grab Alex by the arms and shaking and crying until he told him what was wrong. He was still, wrapped in the cooling sheets with one arm laying across the bed, which was previously wrapped around Alex’s waist comfortably. His other hand laid by his face, where it was absentmindedly stroking the other man’s hair moments ago. Curling it into a fist and pulling it to his chest, Jay tried to hold back silent tears, his mind taking him to all the dark places to think of what just went wrong.
Alex was just so…different. For months now, he was snappier than usual, he never laughed at Jay’s corny jokes, and his sparse smiles never reached his eyes. His eyes, and Jay suppresses a shudder at the thought, his eyes were like a frightened animals, either darting around or glossed over, staring at the space behind someone’s head. His movements either robotic or so smooth as if it were rehearsed.
When Alex thought that he couldn’t see, he would cough until he doubled over on his knees, hot tears sliding down his pasty face, fear in his eyes. Then, he’d hold Jay tight, desperately, nestling his nose into his crown of soft brown hair, before kissing his forehead and excusing himself outside with a “i need to take a breather, all this movie stress is taking a toll on me, i think” Jay would hold onto his shirt a little too long, fake a laugh lightly and kiss him on the check before letting him go.
They both knew he was lying.
It coiled in Jay’s throat and burned his eyes that they have been reduced to this. Like a worried housewife and an absent lover. He didn’t know what to do. Was someone hurting him? Was he seeing someone else? Did he not love him anymore?
Or was the stress of his little college movie really that terrible? Jay could think of a million reasons, each one more dreadful than the last. He brought himself to tears in their bed, although he could barely call it theirs anymore. Alex spent more time napping on the couch during the day or locked in his side room all night, scribbling loudly on papers that he hid in the morning. Love notes? Scripts? Suicide drafts?
Jay was beyond desperate, he was starting to give up. Maybe he was weak too, so easy to let his love float away. Every night he felt a tugging sensation in his head to walk into the nearest forest and disappear forever. Maybe he should, maybe Alex would care then.
Alex would run to him and cradle his head, running his hand over his back as he held him close. It would be warm and tender, and full of the love they used to share in blooms. Jay would kiss him, and Alex would kiss back without hesitating and they would fall asleep right there, in a bed of leaves and dirt.
Alex was crying in the shower. He could hear his hiccups and shallow breathes through the closed door. It felt as if Jay had been shot, shot by himself, by god, by Alex. It hurt too much, it burned and ached and screamed at him, telling him to run into the bathroom and hold Alex until he stopped crying and could sleep easy. But Jay knew any attempts at comfort would be met with resigned anger or deadpan expressions. Its like someone sucked out everything that was Alex, leaving an identical doll in its wake, ready to be controlled by some unseen puppet master. Jay would do anything to cut those ungodly strings.
The shower came to a squeaking halt, Jay listening to Alex pull on a pair of underwear while muttering under his breath.
As Alex stepped back into their room, Jay had turned to face the opposite wall, asleep in a tight cocoon of sheets. He got into bed and faltered, hand hovering over Jay’s prone form.
Jay had feigned sleep, and held his breath as he felt the bed dip under Alex’s weight. He waited.
Alex brushed his fingers against Jay’s forehead before pulling back and laying his head to face away from him. His breathing clipped as he tried to fall into unconsciousness.
Jay eventually fell asleep, and dreamt of bleeding out in an old building as Alex cried a room away.