Chapter Text
"Tyler, what did I say about picking at your lips?"
"Please don't do that, Tyler."
There was a lump in Tyler's chest. It wasn't his stomach or throat, but it lived along his digestive tract.
His mother was relentless. He vomited yesterday. It was caused by nerves rather than sickness, but still. He hummed. One long, sustained note.
"Deep breaths, Ty, it'll be okay."
Tyler looked at his hands. Three of his nails were uneven from biting them, and his legs would bounce every few minutes. The sensations inside his body were enough to focus on without the outside, so he closed his eyes. He usually closed his eyes in the car, throwing his arm on top so his eyes could rest in the cool, soft crook of his elbow.
After about five minutes of turns, the car came to a stop.
The school was small. He'd been inside several times before. His mom was a teacher, and his dad was a basketball coach. He wouldn't be alone. If he didn't have any friends he could eat lunch in his mom's classroom. His right hand played Pachabel's Canon on his lap.
"You're gonna do great Sweetie. It's everyone's first day of school."
"Not first day of school ever!" It would aslo
be different if he were a freshman. He's
a junior.
Tyler was going to throw up. His mom was speaking.
"No... knows each other yet. You can find some kids who aren't... groups. And you can always find some basketball... Dad'll help you, he knows which... interest.... team... house."
Tyler couldn't listen.
"What?"
His mom just shook her head and smiled.
"I'm just repeating stuff I've already told you. I know it'll go well. And if it doesn't you can always come to me, Room 212, remember?"
"Yeah."
"Good."
|-/
There was no way Tyler could focus on making friends. There was so, so much. All the time. It was like being at the grocery store. During a basketball game when the buzzer goes off. Only when the teacher brought everyone to order could he find a break.
His english teacher brought respite, however. Well, her classroom did. It was at the end of the hall on the left side, room 128. Her classroom lights were dimmed, instead she strung soft colored lights around the room. There were bean bags in one corner, near the bookshelves. Tyler wasn't really interested in reading, but the bean bags and fuzzy carpet did cause him to shake his legs and hum. A boy next to him gave him a look.
He'd have to mind what his body was doing. His muscles tensed.
"Okay everyone, let's settle down. I know you're excited to make friends, but we do need to have a class." She laughed at her own joke.
"My name is Miss Jordan, and I'm so excited for this year. We've taken some novels out of the curriculum and replaced them with some more interesting books. I think they'll apply to you more." She opened a binder on her desk and took out some papers. "We're not going to start on a book right away though. Today is more about getting to know each other. I'm not gonna make you stand up and 'tell the class two interesting facts about yourself.'"
She might have been mocking three of the teachers Tyler's heard today.
"So instead you're going to fill out these worksheets, and then pass them back to me. I'll mix them up, and your job is to find the person whose paper you have. Okay?"
"Okay."
But no one else answered. His cheeks burned.
She passed around the papers, stopping by each desk. Tyler muttered a shy 'thank you' when he recieved his.
Miss Jordan smiled at him. "You're welcome, Tyler."
She must've known his name from his mother. Or maybe the office. Maybe the teachers had a whole debriefing before he came into class about his 'learning differences'. His face burned for the hundreth time that day.
"Okay, since a lot of you are finished you can just talk to a classmate while the others are finishing up."
Shit.
Tyler scrawled his name messily in the top right corner and began reading the questions. Re reading the questions. The voices around him created a barrier between the words he was reading and his brain. He shook his head.
'Favorite hobby?' Was the little bit of piano he knew considered a hobby? He scribbled it on the blank anyway.
'Have you ever been to a different country?'
A yes or no question, finally. 'No.'
He had four questions left.
"It looks like most of you are done, so you can pass it to the front."
He wasn't finished.
Tyler didn't know what 'passing it to the front' meant exactly. He'd never been in a class until 8 that morning.
But something poked his neck, and he turned around.
"Don't poke me please."
The boy just looked at him.
Then he shoved his worksheet into Tyler's hand. Oh. Tyler did the same with his, stacking the boy's on top.
Tyler's skin would remember the exact spot that he was poked.
In a whirlwind he'd passed his to the front, watched as the teacher separated the papers by two to trade, and given him a worksheet that wasn't his own. He studied the paper.
In the top left corner was 'Jenna' written in neat cursive. The ink was also bright blue.
He was aware then of a flurry of movement. Someone was approaching him. She looked like she might be Jenna. He looked at her, at her soft blonde hair and wide grin. Her teeth were big. They seemed fitting.
"Tyler?" Her voice wasn't peircing like his sister's.
"Yes?"
"I had a hunch you were Tyler! Also, I'm Jenna. Do you have my paper?"
She was a fast talker. He passed her paper to her.
"Um, everyone's just sitting around and going over their sheets, do you wanna move or," she trailed off.
"Yeah, uh yeah. Sure. How about we sit on the bean bags?"
"Okay!" Her peppiness was back.
Tyler picked the beanbag in the corner, and Jenna chose to sit on the carpet instead.
"Well, it says here that you play the piano?"
"Yeah."
He needed to say more.
"Uh, I got a keyboard for christmas from my parents, and I'm learning the different chords. There are these things called chord progressions that make up a song, like when you play three chords in an order over and over? Well it doesn't have to be three, that's just an example. So many songs use them, basically every song. And they can make the mood totally different. Like an f chord is generally happy, but not excited. Content, I guess? So, yeah, it's really cool."
He could feel Jenna's eyes on his face. Did he ramble too long? It was better than awkward silence he supposed. 'Ask her a question about her' his mother chimed in his head.
"You're in the girl scouts, right?"
She grinned again. Or had she ever stopped?
"Yeah! I'm kind of a junior troop leader? So I'm in my own troop, but I also help the brownies. That's the lowest ranking. They're like eight. It's really fun. I'm also student body president. It's a lot of work, but I don't mind it.
"Cool."
He tried to avoid Jenna's eyes, but they were constantly on his face, trying to meet his eyes. He looked at her right cheek instead. He knew what color her eyes were. How could he not? They were the brightest blue he'd ever seen someone's eyes be.
"Your eyes are really really bright."
Shit.
Jenna just laughed.
"I've never heard that one before. Usually it's about the color. I get them from my mom."
"Oh."
Tyler was still embarassed.
But they kept going back and forth, answering each other's questions. Jenna laughed at some of the stuff he said, which was okay, because most of the time she laughed at his jokes, and not at something he was confused about.
She let him take his time thinking of answers for the questions he hadn't finished, and didn't give him any 'looks'. He hated looks. Not so subtle ways of telling you that you were doing something weird. No, Jenna was much more straightforward.
"That's not what that question means. I think she wanted to know your five favorite songs, not just listing five songs in general."
Oh. That clarified things. 'God rest ye merry gentlemen' was still on the list though. It was very interesting, musically.
"Do you have MySpace?"
The teacher told them to go back to their desks. Jenna was standing closer to him than she really needed to. It wasn't exactly bad.
"No."
"You should get it! We can message. Here's my account name. She wrote in the same neat font on his paper. JennaBee145.
"Thank you."
"No problem, Ty."
No one had ever called him Ty outside of his family. It was different.
|-/
Kelly looked up when she heard her classsroom door open.
"Hey Tyler."
Tyler waved.
"How was it? Was it as bad as you thought?" Kelly smirked. Her oldest was melodramatic and it had gotten worse as he became a teenager.
"Kind of. But there's some nice stuff too."
"Like what?"
"I don't know."
Tyler sat down on a desk chair and slumped over. Kelly took that as her cue to stop questioning him. She'd ask questions later. Instead she focused on packing her bag.
|-/
Jenna's girl scout troop tried to meet every other friday night for a sleepover. Most of the girls were pretty tired from the week, so they usually just laid around in Jenna's room, talking over the movie that was playing. Yes, Jenna had a TV in her room. She was, as her friends reminded her constantly, extremely lucky. She also had a laptop, and a myspace.
tylerrjoseph: Hello
Jenna grinned. She'd never met a boy as polite as Tyler. He seemed genuinely kind.
jennabee145: hey!
Was the exclamation too much? Tyler didn't use exclamation points. But at the same time that's how he talked in real life. His voice was kind of flat. Except when he hummed. His voice was so pretty. She reaized she was grinning.
"Jenna's got a cru-ush!"
"Hey! Stop being nosy, Chloe."
Chloe just shrugged and continued reading over Jenna's shoulder.
"Who's Tyler r Joseph?"
"Someone."
"Oh my god." Chloe flopped onto the bed. Jenna relented.
"How old are you? It's just a guy from school. We're friends," Jenna frowned. "I think."
"What's that mean?" All the girls' eyes were on Jenna now.
"Well, we have two classes together. English and music."
"Is he hot?"
Was Tyler cute? Sure, he was. His eyes were pretty and he had a good smile. Maybe he was hot, too.
"He's cute I guess."
"You like him, don't you?"
"Well-"
"Pizza's here!" Jenna's mom saved her.
"You still have to answer after we come back up."
Maybe she didn't.
The rest of the night was spent dodging questions until the girls either forgot about it or decided to leave it. Jenna was always the last one to go to bed, so when the others quieted down, she crept over to her desk and grabbed her laptop. Pulling a blanket over herself to shield the light, she opened it.
tylerrjoseph: What's up?
tylerrjoseph: I wanted to ask if you wanted to go to the basketball game next Friday? It's a home game and I'm on the team.
Jenna's stomach lurched. 'Maybe I do have a crush on him'.
jennabee145: if i'm not busy! it sounds fun.
She would make sure she wasn't busy.
|-/
On Tuesday, nothing went right for Jenna. She woke up to her parents yelling at each other, about what she didn't know. It was always something different, something, in her opinion, that was trivial.
"Hey Jen?"
"What?" Maybe it was snappy.
Ashley made a 'rawr' sound. This only made Jenna more encouraged to snap.
"I'm dropping you off at school today, Mom had to go into work early."
"Okay."
Ashley was usually bareable. Her oldest sister was twenty one and taking a gap year (or three) before heading off to college. This meant she worked long hours at Target and babysat their cousins.
The car ride was silent.
She spilled her water bottle on her homework in history, and completely forgot her math homework at home. By English class, she was practically seething.
None of her friends were in this class. Except for Tyler. He was hard to figure out. When they messaged he was personable and fun, kind, and even funny, in his own way. At school he seemed the opposite. Jenna had also never seen him at lunch, even though all the juniors had the same lunch hour.
In anger induced boldness, she sat down right beside him. Marshall would have to get over it. He had a stupid name, anyway.
"Hey Tyler."
Tyler apparently didn't hear her. His knuckles were white, hands clenched on the desk. She wondered what was wrong. She leaned over.
"Hey Tyler."
He startled.
"Oh. Hey Jenna."
"What's up?"
He scrunched his eyebrows. Tyler was a little odd sometimes. Most of the time. Jenna couldn't pinpoint it. She didn't waste her thoughts on it.
"I'm, uh, tired."
"You don't sound very sure."
"Huh?"
Jenna decided to move on.
"Are you doing anything today after school?"
"Basketball practice."
"Cool."
Tyler nodded. He was still looking at her, eyes roaming somewhere around the side of her face. Jenna sensed he wanted to say something, but didn't know what. She had an idea.
"We should hang out sometime. Are you free Thursday?"
"Yeah." Tyler perked up. "We should go to the park!" He twisted his fingers around. "I mean, if that's okay with you?"
Jenna grinned. "That would be great. Which one?"
Tyler stuck his hand in his hair; Jenna recognized it as a nervous (excited?) habit.
"I'll text it to you. Here's my phone number. I don't really use MySpace, so."
Jenna didn't feel so angry anymore.
|-/
There was a park within biking distance of Tyler's house. And he biked there almost every day. The trail in the center branched into two forks, one with childrens' playgrounds, and one with swings dotting a path that led to the woods. Tyler spent many afternoons doing his homework and swinging. They were porch-style swings, so he could lay down and rock the swing from side to side to get it going, enjoying the back and forth. Back and forth and back and forth again. Endlessly.
It was joy.
It took three whole months of convincing his parents that he could go by himself, and he wasn't going to take it for granted. So he visited almost every day.
He rarely brought people to his park. Rationally, he knew many people came and swung on his swing. But only Zach visited regularly when he occupied it.
Jenna would have a good time here, he thought. Tyler could imagine her in this place, sitting on the swing with him. In his daydreams his words come out smoothly and he makes Jenna throw her head back
to laugh at something interesting and charming he'd said. His body doesn't betray him. His movements are fluid and infrequent and controlled. They aren't a type of catharsis.
He learned that word in English class and immediately knew what it meant. Instinctively. The word had weight and shape and it was easy for Tyler to push it through his lips. It looked like the broken phrases in the journal that his therapist encouraged him to keep but would 'not look at unless you want me to, Tyler'.
Yes, words were always easier to use if they weren't abstract. He pushed it out of his mouth, emphasizing the 'th'. CaTHarsis.
"Tyler?"
Tyler looked up from the ground.
"Hey Jenna."
"Hey."
"Can I sit here?"
Tyler nodded. Why would she ask? Oh. He scooted over.
Jenna giggled at that and sat down. She was a little nervous, to be honest. Most of her friends were girls. She had no brothers. And it didn't help that Tyler was cute.
"So, how was school?" Jenna started with a general question.
"Okay."
Hmm. She'd have to coax him. Or maybe his day really was that boring.
"Miss Jordan assigning two papers at once really blows. I mean, I know we're supposed to 'be prepared for college,'" Jenna
imitated their teacher, "or whatever, but we're not in college. We're in high school."
"Yeah." Tyler scooted away from her. Jenna tried not to notice.
"What-what is your topic for the second paper?"
Tyler wasn't prepared for this. He should have scheduled a day where he didn't have school. A day where he'd have more preperation.
'A day where you're not you.' The voice in his head hissed. The one that only spit words like venom straight down Tyler's spinal chord.
Jenna was oblivious to the one-way conversation in his head.
She hadn't picked a topic yet. They were supposed to write on the subject of creativity. Miss Jordan said that everyone was creative, it just took a little while to surface for some people.
"I haven't picked one to be honest. I don't think I'm that creative. Like," she turned her body towards Tyler, "I can paint decently, and I have an A in music class. But when I paint I'm not really expressing anything, I just want it to look pretty. And I don't even care about flute."
Tyler gave no indication he was listening. Jenna couldn't help her dissapointment. But then his eyes landed on her hair. He gave a faint smile and returned his gaze to the swing's chains. They were covered in black rubber.
It wasn't a good day to come. Jenna's perfume was making his words go down, down his throat and into his belly. There was a voice in his head.
'Think Tyler! Say something! Tell Jenna she is, that she is...'
Tyler couldn't give a clear definition of who Jenna was. He knew he had a crush. But he didn't know what to do with this information. And her makeup was mixing with her perfume and he was grasping for something to say, to say, to say, to say, tosaytosaytosay...
"I have to be home by seven so we can eat dinner."
"Uh, okay? Sounds good!"
Jenna was confused.
"What was your topic for the paper?"
"I have to be home by seven so we can eat dinner."
"You said that," Jenna twisted her hair around. "Uh, you want to walk around or something? There's an ice cream place up the road."
Tyler uttered a barely audible 'yes' and stood up.
They made their way to the ice cream parlor, Jenna wondering what was happening and Tyler mouthing his line about dinner. Tyler stopped at the door.
"You coming in?" Jenna giggled, but she wasn't so sure anymore. Did she know Tyler at all? Was he about to have a stroak? She remembered her uncle, who didn't make sense for an hour before his brain stopped working. She shivered.
But Tyler was sixteen and healthy. The odds of that happening were slim.
Tyler walked to the men's room.
Breathe.
Plug your ears and breathe.
He could hear entirely too much and his insides were invaded. The distinction between 'in here' and 'out there' was blurred.
He couldn't have a meltdown. He couldn't lose control. But he was hurting.
you: Sorry Jenna, I'm sick. I need to go home.
jenna: *typing*
Tyler's breath hitched. Would she ask why he wasn't just telling her that? It'd cross her mind, surely.
jenna: ok, no worries, i'm sorry ur sick. :(
|-/
Tyler put himself back together. It would be okay.