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"you always choose this place every time we meet."
You glanced around your shoulder to stare back at him, two mugs of hot chocolate in hand with a rough sweater and shorts haphazardly placed on. He stepped closer towards the sofa with a soft comic grin, eye lights gazing towards you while silently offering one of the mugs. You faintly accepted, grazing the bones that left the handle.
"why is that kiddo?" He asks.
You glanced into the swirling mist of the hot chocolate, marshmallows already melting into a foamy mess on the top while you looked back up towards the blurry window where sunlight reflected into the family room.
The room was bare, practically untangable and unthought-out with a black-screen tv set and a brown coffee table in front of you on the other side of the wall. Large unrealistic windows to the far right with polished stairs to the left leading to a balcony that was supposed to be a hallway for Sans' and Papyrus' bedrooms. The space was bland and not real.
But it was what you remembered and what you wanted. At least for right now.
"It's homey right here. It keeps me calm." You muttered back to answer his question.
He hummed at that, not really responding but showing he heard you. He too glanced towards the bright light reflecting out the window, dust turning visible in the air and floating like fairy magic in the room. It was peaceful, but not really. An uncomfortable weight stood in the room. He sipped at his cup, and shifted his gaze back over towards you.
"i don't think it's a good idea to keep using me to ignore your whole life, squirt. even though it is homey here." The statement was spoken lightly in a careful caring tone, but that did not make it not sting.
You huddled more into yourself against the edge of the sofa, the warm mug now suddenly not that warm enough in between your hands.
"I know." You croaked. "It doesn't hurt to just keep doing it a little though."
You could feel his stare. You didn't know if it was a stare of judgement, or of uncaring 'whatever you want' like he normally gives to you. But his stare was strong and made your neck itch.
"kid..."
Sans sighed, placing his mug down on the table with a 'clink' and scooched over towards your side of the sofa where both your arms brushed each other. He removed your mug and grabbed your shoulder before pulling you into a warm hug, your head falling onto his collarbone while he rubbed carefully at your bed-hair.
You moved your arms around to hug him back tightly, the imaginary feel of his thick scratchy sweater and warm chalky bones filling your senses. A magical gut filling the bottom half of his shirt slowly raised and fell under you, slightly relaxing. It made you feel small again, something that you needed and didn't.
Hot tears started to form in your eyes as your lips quivered. These senses, these thoughts were too much.
He tucked his chin over you head, ignoring his sweater getting wet and cooed at you.
"what happened to you?" he whispered gently. Always gently. Never have he ever yelled at you in these visions. You clenched your eyes, hugging him tighter. You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve to be consoled like this. But god did you needed this so badly. To just...
"...kid?"
"Sans I..." You eyes blurred as tears threatened to spill out, breath hitching as you debated to tell him this stupid thing. He continued to rub at your back, waiting patiently.
"...I'm scared, Sans." You admitted, tears slipping off your cheeks as you fisted his sweater between your sweaty fingers. Fear consumed your soul as you spoke this. It was unnerving to speak that out loud. Doubting yourself. He tried to help you.
"what's got ya so rattled?"
So many things. Too many things. Too many important insignificant things. You don't know how to really explain except--
"I'm not a kid anymore." You spoke lightly, barely anything. Trembling, you shifted out of the hug to look up at the skeleton, who gave you a confused frown, but still held onto your shaking hands. The room morphed and grew smaller around you. Fear still rising in your throat as your eyes widened with more tears spilling.
"I barely know anything anymore Sans. I-I never learned how to be myself or to get by like everyone else did. I still don't have any friends, I don't know how, but I need to pretend I do for those who are looking at me just to see something improving. I don't want to disappoint anyone, Sans. It's so hard to not accidentally do that."
Fading.
"Oh god. I'm not ready, and I know it's ok to not be, but I--" A sob broke through your throat and you let go of Sans' hand to grip your throat, bending your body to curl into Sans lap and he immediately started rubbing your back, trying to coax your hands off your throat with silent reassuring words, only worrying enough to not startle you.
"I'm so scared. I don't want to mess up Sans. I don't want to regret my life for not trying or doing better. I just, I can't--!"
"hey, hey hey hey, here, look at me, 'ka? kid, c'mon, look at me please?"
I forcefully moved my neck to glance up at him, his hands holding onto mine and caressing them softly. He gave me a smile, rubbing my tears away but really only smudging them against my skin. I gave him a wobbly grin at the attempt, and it seemed to be enough to satisfy him. He sighed.
"you know this is a natural thing to be scared 'bout, right kid?" He meant to say it kindly in a comforting way, but his words twisted into some form of mocking in my ears.
"Ya... still." I hissed, clenching my teeth to stop from crying. It didn't really work.
"part of being an adult is knowing how bad ya can mess up. not something ya can really dream away." He mumbled back, patting my shoulder as I scooted back to my side, sniffling tears. The sunlight turned grey at some point, silent rain pittering outside with people walking around without umbrellas. My face was too warm for the room to be this cold.
"I know." I mumbled back, slightly resigned.
"but there's also the part where yer more willing to try anything, 'cus now you're starting to notice jus' how little you can really lose. it's a bit refreshing in a way, eh squirt? giving up on your worries. jus' saying ah hell with 'em all, and doing what ya can. that's also part of being an adult.
...ya just gotta keep walking kid. that's all we can do."
I stared up at him, whipping hair out of my face.
"How come you're not saying any of your jokes...? You normally always say jokes to me. Especially in my dreams." You mumbled. It was always somehow annoying when he does, if not appreciative for the effort.
He grinned, but it didn't seem genuine. It looked tired.
"don't think it'll be right ta joke round 'bout this." He spoke, stretching his bones with a few pops and standing back up from the couch. He grabbed his barely full mug and watched the space get smaller. Familiar voices in the distance blurring out his image.
"besides." He spoke again. "i'm just something ya dreamed up to help ya cope with this, ain't i? can't really blame a guy for that." I smiled slightly at his tone, curling my toes on the couch as he walked up the stairs.
"Maybe. Ya, ok. But I can still try to." He barked out a laugh at that. His cup dissipated when he gazed down at me over the balcony.
I went to grab my cup, but it was also magically gone from the table.
I huffed, disappointed. I didn’t even get to drink any.
"don't get all cocoa about not drinkin' any, squirt. it wouldn't taste like anything anyhow." He somehow seemed amused by my frustration. I crossed my arms. Of course I know it’s not real. But hot-chocolate!
The noises in the distance grew louder. It sounded like mom again, yelling at dad to wake up and my sister and brother getting ready for school. I smell eggs and bacon. A faint reminder that it's graduation today. A wave of sadness washes over me.
It's over I guess.
"smells eggcellent." Sans lulled cheekily, already opening a door in the middle of the balcony that I'm assuming is his room. And it is, rocket flare sunlight escaping brightly through the open door.
"it 'bout time to go kid. don't worry your small head, k? things will be fine. see ya later."
He saluted back down towards you before side-stepping inside his room. The door closed shut with a loud click.
"Bye, Sans..."
And the family room you both sat quietly disappeared from your mind, into emptiness like always.
It's time.