Chapter Text
Tony was standing at the end of the wooden path over the lake. He was admiring the night sky and feeling the peacefulness that surrounded that place. How would he love to be there with her, he thought. Eleven months had passed since the last time he had her in his arms, but the memories had not lost its strength yet. He could still feel the warmth of her body as he hugged her, and the sweetness of her tender lips. When he thought of her, he could still see that sweet smile that kept his heart alive for so many years. Pepper, Love. Tony closed his eyes and let the warm breeze of the summer day embrace him. His mind started wandering inside the memories shared with her. She was his world, his purpose, the reason for living. I miss you. It cannot be possible to live without you, can I? Then, without warning, that thought assaulted him with the same force of the emotions rooted in it. That moment came back to haunt his peace. Why did he let that to happen? No, he wanted to think of her, how he missed her and loved her. Loves her. But now his mind could not stop recreating that scene, those feelings. He left, ran away and likewise all that turmoil came with him. Suddenly, Tony's quiet heart started to beat faster when he heard a car entering the cabin. It could only be him, he thought. He heard the car stopped and someone stepping out. He did not want to look back. Tony was sure it would be him.
The steps were carefully approaching.
«Tony,» he heard him say and his heart beat even faster, but Tony was certain he should not do this.
«Please, let me explain,» Steve said, pleading.
«There's no need for explanations, Cap,» Tony said looking straight to the lake. His words came out with a hint of sharpness.
«I think we should talk,» Steve insisted.
«We kissed, Steve. That is all,» Tony replied without looking back.
«It is not all for me,» Steve said firmly.
Finally, Tony turned around and looked at him. Steve body was tense, nevertheless, it was clear it was trying to hide all the pain his eyes were showing. «It is for me. You are wasting your time here.»
«Tony, what we...» Steve tried to explain.
«My name must be some kind of lucky charm for you or something? You use it a lot. Too much I could say,» Tony interrupted him trying to change the object of the conversation. He really did not want to talk about it. He did not want to talk to Steve. So he decided, at that precise moment, it was time to go to sleep. Tony started walking to the house.
«I love you,» Steve said staring at him.
Tony stopped dead and stared back. What did he say? Love? Who talked about love? No one was allowed to talk about love!, his mind yelled. Love had died the day he returned and learned she also had disappeared. No one could talk about love. It was not allowed.
«I have loved you for so many years now, and I knew I should keep this for myself because you were with Pepper...» Steve said with a tremor in his voice that Tony had never heard before.
«Don't say her name!» Tony shouted out with anguish in his voice.
«I'm sorry. I just wanted to explain. Please, Tony, don´t do this...» Steve said, now begging.
«I don't want to hear anything. No explanations, no confessions, nothing. It was a stupid moment, a ridiculous kiss that did not mean anything to me. And I really don't care if it meant something to you.» Tony took a deep breath and look at Steve with resignation. «Maybe it is time for you truly learn the lesson, Cap. We lost, EVERYTHING. We lost, and there is no way back.»
Tony passed by Steve side and walked very fast to the house. His thoughts were numbed, and he truly couldn't understand himself. Why had he screamed? He knew he was running away from something and despite everything, only a tremendous anger overwhelmed him at that moment. Once inside the house, he leaned against the front door. His heart was still agitated, unbridled, and he was breathing as desperately as if that were the end of some battle. Tony closed his eyes trying to calm himself. Who was he fighting? He thought. It was that a battle against Steve or against himself? The only response he could give himself was he shouldn't have hurt him that way.
After a few minutes, he slid down until he fell on the floor with his head still leaning on the door. He hadn't heard the car start up again, so Steve was still there at the lake. A part of him could recognize that feeling, he thought. But another part of him, which seemed to be the dominant one, spoke him of guilt and remorse. Pepper, Love, is it my heart fighting for surrender? Even when I don't want to accept it. Tony didn't know what to do or think. He just hoped to hear the car start and Steve getting away from him.
Tony heard steps approaching, and they seemed hesitant. Don't come here, don't come here, Tony repeated over and over in his mind. He would certainly not know what to do now if Steve knocked on the door. "I love you ," he could hear Steve's voice compete against his own thoughts. Tony put his ear to the door. His whole body was curled up against it as if only that simple piece of wood was the abyss that separated them. He placed his hand against the door; I'm sorry Steve. I cannot do this, he said in a silent sigh. Suddenly, the steps that seemed doubtful going back and forth stopped, and Tony's heart too. Please go away, he repeated in his mind. Steve approached the door, and the world as it had once been conceived, changed in an instant.
_ _ _ _ _
“Bruce gave him a sedative. He's gonna probably be out for the rest of the day.”
Tony was starting to wake up. He could feel the heaviness in his body, and his eyes didn't want to open even though he wanted to know where he was. His senses began to respond very slowly, and he heard someone's footsteps. He felt so tired and although he insisted his eyes open, they seemed to have their own will and ignored him. Someone was by his side; he could feel a presence. Whoever was there took him by the hand and stroked it gently. Who was touching him? Tony wondered. Likewise, he felt a caress on his face. Someone was caressing him softly, and he heard the sound of words that seemed whispers, but that he could not understand. I must open my eyes, he said to himself. Now other steps were heard, and Tony felt a strange emptiness when those caresses and the closeness of whoever was there was gone. He tried opening his eyes again, and now they responded. Everything was so blurred, and he could not distinguish his surrounding. He could only see a blurred figure coming out the door of a room he did not recognize either.
"Hey buddy, how are you feeling?" Tony thought that voice was very familiar, and when he could focus his vision, he saw Bruce in front of him.
"Bruce..." he heard himself say. He wanted to stay focus and talk, but he couldn't. He wanted to ask Bruce who had been there, who had spoken to him, but the weariness raged again and an intoxicating dream could do more than he.
"It's OK, Tony. You need to rest" Tony heard Bruce say in the distance, and he also agreed, it was better to keep sleeping.
_ _ _ _ _
"How you feel?" Rhodey asked.
"With a hangover; not even in my best moments did I take something as strong as what you gave me," Tony said smiling.
"We both know that is a lie, but it is also true that you needed to rest," Rhodey replied smiling as well.
"At least you look better too," Bruce said as he approached Rhodey who was sitting on Tony's bed.
"I need some air. Can I go outside for a moment, doctor?" Tony asked Bruce, who smiled at the question.
"Yes, but without walking Tony. I know it must be annoying to go in the wheelchair, but it would be better if you don't make much effort," Bruce replied trying to use his best doctor voice.
"Come on, I help you," Rhodey said, and between Bruce and him helped Tony sit in the wheelchair.
_ _ _ _ _
Rhodey took Tony to the compound's garden, and he sat on a bench next to him. It was sunset, and the bright hues of colors in the sky lost all the brightness when Tony's features darkened at moment they got there.
"She told me not to get on the ship," Tony said.
"You were doing what any of us would have done" Rhodey replied.
"It happened, what I was so afraid of, it happened. The world disappeared before my eyes and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't protect her," Tony said with remorse.
"Tony, it's not your fault. I know it's hard to see it now. But I will be by your side every day of the rest of my life to make you see that it's not your fault.” Rhodey told him with a lot of conviction in his voice.
“I fought thinking about her. I fought trying to save a world that didn't know what was happening and yet it wasn't enough. Pepper, Happy, Peter..." Tony's hurt voice resonated in the silence darkening sky while naming the people he loved, his family.
“We can't blame ourselves because a madman decided he had the ultimate truth about the lives of millions of living beings. And above all you, whom I have seen grow and become the best version of yourself, you cannot blame yourself for something that was beyond our reach. The world became something bigger than us, and now we know it,” Rhodey told him. In his words there was a welcoming serenity that calm Tony's aching heart at least a little.
They spent a few minutes there while Tony's gaze was lost on the horizon. A comfortable silence embraced them and Rhodey´s hand was caressing him on the shoulder. Tony knew Rhodey was right, but that wasn't enough to feel better. He lost everything when losing Pepper. The love of his life, his best friend, his partner, his world…
“What else is out there for me now?” Tony asked with a sigh.
“The world still exists out there, and we swore an unspoken oath that said we were going to protect it. We could still help others. Heal are our wounds while healing theirs too,” Rhodey said with optimism.
“I'm glad you are here,” Tony said looking to Rhodey eyes and trying to convey his love for him. He still had his other best friend, he thought.
“I am too, man, I am grateful you are here too,” Rhodey replied with a soft smile.
_ _ _ _ _ _