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He couldn’t stop shaking.
Blaine stared down at his drawing pad, desperately willing his brain to stop racing enough for him to focus on a sketch. Because he didn’t have 24/7 access to a piano, he’d started drawing again as a way to channel his negative thoughts and emotions. It wasn’t working tonight.
He dropped his pencil and stood up from the desk before beginning to pace around the living room. This was the first time he could remember being so livid at a friend -- former friend? -- and the first time in a while that his anger had risen to this level. It was consuming, sending his body into a state of anxiety that he still hadn’t learned to completely control, despite the biweekly therapy sessions he’d begun attending.
Why couldn’t he stop shaking?
Kurt was out tonight, celebrating the completion of a major project for a class, and Blaine really didn’t want to dampen Kurt’s spirits. But after a really bad night a couple years back, he’d promised Kurt that he’d reach out if he needed help. And if he couldn’t draw or play music or even listen to music as a way to calm down, he knew getting Kurt would be the healthiest option.
Blaine pulled out his phone, sending a brief text to his boyfriend. No point in trying to sit this out by himself if he didn’t need to, right?
—
He was dry heaving over the toilet when Kurt came back. The windows were open, letting the cold winter air into the bathroom, because even if his therapist said that getting more air wouldn’t help if he was having an attack, at least the air kept him from feeling like he was going to overheat if he suffocated to death. Once Kurt’s hand started rubbing against his back, he finally felt tears begin falling.
“Match my breathing.” Kurt said. “In slowly.”
They breathed in together.
“Out slowly.”
They breathed out together.
Blaine felt the wave of nausea slowly leave as he focused on correctly getting air into his lungs, following Kurt’s words. Eventually he stood from where he’d been perched over the toilet, Kurt’s hand still rubbing his back gently. His eyes clenched shut when he felt Kurt pull him into a strong embrace, trying to keep the tears from welling up again.
After a few minutes, Kurt spoke again. “You are going to go to the bedroom. You will change into some pajamas and I will meet you there with a glass of water. Understood?”
“Yes Kurt,” he replied, reluctantly pulling away. Kurt gently wiped the tears from his face and gave him a concerned smile before grabbing his hand, the pair walking out together.
—
Blaine sat on the bed, drinking cold water as Kurt changed. He was feeling better than he was before Kurt had gotten back home, but things still felt so wrong. His skin was too tight and even though his breathing was level again, his heart was still pounding painfully. His head hurt from crying and his thoughts still were going everywhere, from upcoming school work to the fight he’d just had that caused this spiral in the first place.
He was still shaking.
“When you’re done, put the glass on top of the dresser,” Kurt directed, climbing on the bed. “Then lie on your side.”
Blaine obeyed. As soon as he lied down, Kurt pulled him into another embrace, Blaine’s head resting on Kurt’s chest. One hand resumed rubbing his back; the other lightly ran through Blaine’s hair. “Can you tell me what happened?” Kurt asked.
“Mike and I had a fight. On Skype. I don’t know if he’ll ever talk to me again.”
“Oh, darling.”
“I just. I don’t know. It was really bad and if we’d been face to face I think we would have been screaming at each other.” Blaine felt his heart rate increase as the words spilled out. “We’ve never fought before and I’ve never been so angry with him and didn’t think he’d say those things to me and I feel like the worst person on the world.”
“You’re not, okay? You’re not the worst person. You’re not even a bad person, Blaine. Friends fight sometimes and it isn’t fun but it doesn’t mean you’re terrible.”
“Then why do I feel this way?” he whispered.
“Because you care about him. Because you’re a loving person and you give so much. He means a lot to you and the fact it hurts doesn’t mean you’re wrong.” Blaine felt his body relax with Kurt’s reassurances. “You’re wonderful, Blaine. You’re a good person. You’re a good friend. You’re a good boyfriend. You’re so good and I’m here.”
He closed his eyes, focusing on Kurt’s voice and touches. The tension that’d been building in his body began seeping out with every reminder from Kurt. For the first time since he’d gotten the message that’d sparked the fight, the destructive urges in his mind were silent. He felt himself sink fully into Kurt’s hold.
He wasn’t awful. He wasn’t wrong.
It was going to be okay.
—
He came back to Kurt humming.
He was being held from behind, Kurt’s body completely curled around his. Kurt’s arms were holding him more loosely than he’d been held at any other point this evening, but he still felt secure in Kurt’s hold.
“Are you back with me, sweetheart?” Kurt asked softly.
“Yeah.” Blaine rolled so he could face Kurt again. He felt more calm and relaxed than he’d been in ages. Everything was warm and soft and safe and good.
“There’s my good boy,” Kurt said with a smile, moving a hand back up to Blaine’s hair.
“How long was I gone?”
“About five minutes. I didn’t want to risk you coming back up when I was gone, but now that you’re back, I’ll get you more water.”
Blaine reached up to touch the hand Kurt was now running along his cheek. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, darling. And thank you for being honest about needing help.” With a light kiss on Blaine’s lips, Kurt got up from the bed.
“I love you,” Blaine called, not bothering changing positions. He felt fine as he was.
“I love you too,” his Dom replied from the doorway, and Blaine closed his eyes with a smile.
The shaking was finally gone.