Chapter Text
I was walking around during clean up. That’s all this was. I didn’t expect to see him there. I didn’t expect to see him the way he was. I didn’t expect him to be dead.
“Marco?” My voice cracked as I tried to force out his name. This wasn’t okay. It couldn’t be Marco. I had just spoken to him… It couldn’t be him. But now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop. “Marco… Is that you?”
He was torn, his face ripped in half, bones visible down his ribs. There was no mistaking him, though. I’d know his face anywhere. His face that had constantly been smiling. His face, with eyes that held stars. His face, littered with freckles, which were now barely visible. Why him? How? Surely somebody had to have seen him die.
“Do you know him, cadet?” a woman asked me.
The rest passes in a horrible blur. I tell her that his name is Marco. Marco Bodt. My Marco Bodt. We were supposed to go to the interior together and live our lives out safely. Together. But now he was gone. Gone and never coming back.
I rub my eyes, the nightmare still clinging to the back of my eyelids and the forefront of my mind. It’s been four months. Four goddamned months, and it still haunts me. I’ve seen how many other people die, but nobody else’s death haunts me. Not like this. I don’t wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares about anyone else. His was just so wrong. He wasn’t supposed to die. Not yet. Not ever. It wasn’t fair.
I shake my head, trying to rid my mind of these thoughts. I know he isn’t coming back, so there is no point in dwelling on anything. I could end up jeopardizing everything the survey corps are working toward if I keep letting the past get to me like this. I just have to get through it like everyone else does. Like I keep telling myself to. But something just isn’t letting me go. Part of me will always hang onto him.
Marco was right. I’m not strong. I never have been, and this proves it. I can’t even let go of one fallen teammate, when many others are dying daily. What kind of soldier am I, anyway? What kind of soldier holds on for so long without a shred of hope?
I run my fingers through my hair, getting up and putting on my uniform. We are going outside the walls today, and I have to be at my absolute sharpest. I can’t risk other people’s lives because I am still hung up over a guy who died four months ago. That is not going to be on my shoulders.
Strapping on my 3DMG, I leave the cabin. We are staying in a base in a small town on the inner edge of Wall Rose. But not today. Today we are going to venture out into their territory, where most people say going is comparable to suicide.
I wish I could say they are wrong, but they really aren’t. Most of our troops die or at least suffer horrible injuries. We are trying our best, though, and those who’ve died knew the risk when they joined.
I’m walking through the barracks, when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to find a very concerned looking Armin looking at me.
“Hey, Armin. What’s up?”
“Jean, are you alright? You’ve been really out of it lately…”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I lie, faking a smile to go along with it.
He doesn’t believe me. I can see it on his face. But I probably wouldn’t believe me either. I had been out of it. Leave it to Armin to notice. He’s always the smart one, and he genuinely cares about others, so if anyone would notice anything wrong, I’m not surprised in the least that it was him.
“Jean, you know you can talk to me…”
“I’m fine, really. No worries, Armin.” I ruffle his hair a bit to try and lighten the mood. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about how much I miss Marco, or how I still haven’t gotten over his death. I don’t want to talk about how much of a fuck up I am, or how it killed me to know that I couldn’t do anything to save him. I don’t want to complain about losing my best friend when everyone is losing people close to them, too.
Best friend. Ha.
I was sitting on my bed. The room was empty save for Marco and me, but that was exactly how we wanted it. He was sitting in my lap facing me, legs wrapped around my waist. My hands rested on his hips, and his arms had snaked around my shoulders. I leaned down and kissed him.
It wasn’t a perfect kiss by a long shot. It was sloppy; needy; hungry. It was all a mess of teeth, tongue, and saliva, but it was exactly what we needed. He kissed me back with just as much need. I could feel it pulsing in the air around us like electric currents.
I could feel myself getting hard, my erection pushing up against Marco’s ass. But I could feel him hard and hot against my stomach as well. One of my hands moved from his hips to the small of his back to hold him steady as my other trailed down to his pants, popping the button open. I started stroking him, and the moan that hit my ears was the sexiest goddamn thing I had ever fucking heard. It sent a whole new wave of need through me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself much longer.
I also knew we had to be quick and quiet about it, because anyone could walk into the cabin at any moment, and if anyone saw this it would be really bad. Marco was moving his hips, bucking into my hand as I pumped him. He scooted back a bit, undoing my pants, and taking me into his own hand. We stroked each other in time, and it felt like we were the only two people on the planet.
I leaned back in for another kiss, feeling my climax building.
He was the first one to pull away from the kiss. His breathing was jagged, and his face was flushed in the cutest way that made his freckles stand out. I loved watching him come undone like this. I loved knowing it was me who made him feel like that.
“Jean… I’m… I’m… so… Jean!” Was the only warning I got as he came into my hand. Watching his face, and hearing my name coming from him in such sexy moans, pushed me right over the edge, and I came into his hand moaning his name as well.
That was the night before we went to fight in Trost. We were celebrating our upcoming graduation, and that we’d join the military police together. We were going to spend our lives together. I loved him. And he had said he loved me, too. He said we’d be together forever. Then he went and left me. But I had no one to blame but myself. I should have been there to protect him. I should have been there to help. I should have-
“Jean?”
“Huh?” I blink a few times, coming back to the present. I stare at Armin for a moment before remembering we had been talking. “Sorry, I’m just really tired… What was that?”
“I said, it’s obvious that you’re not okay. But I understand that you don’t want to talk about it right now, so I’m not going to try to force it out of you or anything. But if and when you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen. I’m here for you, Jean.”
“Thanks, Armin. But I’m fine, really. It’s nothing.” I try another smile, then turn to walk to the mess hall for breakfast.
Less than an hour after breakfast, we are on our horses and on our way out of the walls. I sigh, ready to fight. I have to be, or more people will die. I wasn’t about to just sit back and let that happen.
We ride out in formation, but as per usual, get split up eventually. I somehow end up on my own. I’m looking around for my squad when I see it. A 15-meter class headed right for me. Well, fuck.
I stand my ground, steadying myself, and shooting off with my 3DMG toward it. Latching onto him, I swing in an arch toward his neck. This is simple. Swing up and over, slice him, and go back to my squad. I never expected him to grab me, even though I probably should have. They grab people all the damned time. If they didn’t, more of us would survive. It would be easy if they didn’t fight back. But nevertheless, I don’t see it coming.
He grips me tightly as he brings me to his face slowly. I struggle as much as I can, but he holds fast. There is no escape. I’m a goner. I can’t help but think of Marco.
‘I fought my best, Marco. I tried my hardest. I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you or even be there so that you didn’t die alone. I’m so sorry. I’d hoped to live out life and help destroy the titan threat entirely. I wanted to make you proud, Marco. I wanted to kill them because they killed you. But it looks like I couldn’t even manage to do that. I guess I’m coming to see you now. I didn’t think it would be this soon…’
I look back at the titan who is going to be my deathbed. It has freckles. My mind registers the irony. I have been fighting for Freckles, only to be killed by a freckled titan. I think a chuckle leaves my throat. I can’t even tell anymore.
Suddenly I’m horribly angry. How dare this monstrosity have freckles? How dare he look anything like Marco? What right does he have? He doesn’t even deserve to exist. I struggle again as I am pulled closer and closer to its mouth. Any second now, I’ll be eaten. But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to fight back.
But the mouth never opens. It draws closer, but the titan just rests his closed mouth against my head. Almost like a - No. That isn’t what this is. This titan is obviously just too dumb to even eat a human correctly.
It isn’t until it brings me to its cheek and starts rubbing its face on me, nuzzling me, that I break. It can’t be. It should be eating me. Why is it nuzzling me? And kissing me? Why…
“M-Marco?” My voice almost doesn’t work. I push it out, needing to say it. “Marco… is that you?” The words are familiar. It is what I had said when I had found him, dead. I know this is crazy. It can’t be Marco. I had seen him, dead. It’s not fair that this titan is taunting me like this. Filling my last moments with a false hope that maybe Marco is alive, only to kill me in the end. I know some titans are smarter than others, but this is just too much.
This is cruel.