Chapter Text
“Castiel, come down for breakfast!” His mother’s shrill voice could be heard all the way throughout the house. Castiel didn’t move, he continued to stand in front of his bathroom mirror, gauging whether or not the thin gray sweater and dark skinny jeans he has on is an acceptable outfit for his first day. He cocked his head to the side and surveyed his outfit with squinty blue eyes, finally deciding that it’s acceptable, even though he probably wore it the first day of his junior year. The sweater hid his bandages and even if the skinny jeans were looser then they were last year, he knew it would suffice.
“CASTIEL!” Shit, it was his dad this time, and judging by the tone of voice, he was pissed. Castiel moved through the house quickly, nearly running over Gabriel, his little brother. The thirteen year olds just starting eighth grade and Castiel could tell he’d been up for hours, changing his outfit and parting and gelling his hair at least eight different times. The two of them skidded into the kitchen and sat down at the island. Castiel could feel his stomach already starting to churn at the prospect of food. He had managed to skip dinner last night, but he could tell as his mother set a heaping plate of fluffy yellow eggs in front of him that’s not an option this morning.
He ate slowly, moving the food around his plate strategically, while Gabriel scarfed it down like a dying man at his last Thanksgiving. Their father entered the room and looked at them disapprovingly, his eyes lingering on Castiel’s arms before moving away with vague interest. “Good morning, boys.” Castiel stiffened and didn’t raise his eyes from his fork.
“Good morning, father.” Gabe’s chipper voice was undaunted by his dad’s menacing air, his thoughts clearly on the prospect of school. Castiel continued to stare at his plate, his fist clenched around his fork. It was silent for a minute except for Gabriel’s chewing.
“Castiel?” Rachel, their mother, raised her eyebrows at her eldest son, her voice betraying the subtle irritation that always appeared when they spoke.
“Good morning, dad.” His gravelly, baritone voice pierced the tension in the air. His dad huffed and shook his head, muttering something under his breath. Castiel felt his wrist begin to ache again.
Gabriel excused himself and went to brush his teeth, sending Cas an apologetic look as he left. Cas continued to stare at the food set down before him. The room was silent again, his father read the newspaper, his mother had long since stopped humming show tunes in the kitchen, and Castiel could hear his heartbeat. Maybe he could make the eggs disappear with his mind. “May I be excused?” Castiel knew he shouldn’t be late on his first day of senior year, and he desperately needed a smoke before class.
His mother glared at his plate, but didn’t argue. Castiel knows she didn’t care anyway, and her breath was already stained with wine, so he wouldn’t be getting any real arguments.
“Sure.” There was the slightest hint of a slur in her voice. He got up and cleared his place, avoiding his father’s gaze from the table. His mother stopped him on the way out. “Castiel?” He turned and cocked his head; already tasting the sweet nicotine he had waiting in his jacket pocket. She looked pointedly at the counter and Castiel sighed.
The little orange bottle containing his antidepressants sat on the counter, like always. He moved to take the prescribed two and slipped them under his tongue, like always. This routine was old, mundane, and, frankly, he was sick of it. Those pills wouldn’t help anyway. They were expensive and pointless. Castiel preferred Prozac, which he kept stored up in a hefty supply under his floorboard, curtsey of Crowley, his dealer. That’s where he went next, after spitting out his prescription in the toilet and flushing it away. He’s going to need something stronger then that anyway.
“Good luck today, Gabriel!” His little brother waved appreciatively from the passenger seat of his father’s car. His dad, a preacher, drove to church every morning, dropping Gabe off on the way. His mother worked as a decorator, a successful one, considering their house is five times bigger then any of Castiel’s friends. It was huge and stylish, vaulted ceilings, marble staircase. Castiel hated it more then anything.
Two Prozac, sugar on his tongue. They slipped down his throat as he mounted his motorcycle, heading to Lawrence High. He drove down the quiet early morning roads, loving the way the wind pierced his face underneath the helmet’s visor. He loved the way the street streaked away underneath him, as if he had the wings to fly away. It made him feel free, almost. That thought came and went, freedom itching under his skin. He swallowed hard. He knows, deep down, this was as free as he will ever get.
****
“Get up, Dean.”
Dean scowled, shaking the sleep from his eyes as the door slammed shut again. His dad never was much of a morning person, and he probably had a hangover from last night. He winced at the memory, the stench of whiskey still permeating their small apartment, his cheek throbbing in a dull ache from where his father struck him. Dean just wanted out of this damn house.
He got ready quickly, showering and getting dressed in a faded band shirt and work boots. He knew senior year was special, and he should have been excited, but graduating high school was like a retirement to a Winchester. He knew college wasn’t an option without a full football scholarship, he’d always known that, so this final year seemed more like a punishment then an opportunity.
John Winchester was already gone by the time Dean’s ready for school. It’s no surprise, but it still relatively stung. At least he left the Impala, Dean thought numbly as he slid into the massive black car, the engine purring with satisfaction. Dean loved that car, more then his father ever would. He grasped the wheel and smiled, despite himself. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad year after all.
After he picked up Jo, his best friend, from the Roadhouse, her parent’s bar and Dean’s second home, he sped down to the highschool, only half listening to Jo as she complained about Bobby and Ellen, her folks.
“…God, they are so annoying! I mean, damn, I know she seems amazing but Ellen can be such a pushover sometime, you know what I mean? I just want to kill her when-” As soon as she said it the air tenses up, as though it dropped ten degrees in a matter of seconds. Dean’s tightened his grip on the wheel till his knuckles turned white. “I-shit….I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to…” Joe’s face was pale and her voice shook, she never was a stutterer.
Dean forced himself to grin and simply nodded. “No worries, Joe.” He tried to relax and calm the burn in his heart. “But for the record, I think your mom’s awesome. A real MILF if you ask me.”
Joe laughed; the relief evident in her voice and swatted his arm good naturally. “Shut UP, Winchester. Everyone and their uncle knows you’re gayer then rainbows. Don’t even try to tell me different.” Dean just shrugged and smirked as they pulled up calmly into the school’s parking lot.
Dean whistled appreciatively at the shiny motorcycle parked next to his baby. “Damn, that thing must have cost my entire life’s worth.”
Joe glanced over towards the bike. “Oh, that’s Castiel Novak’s. He’ll murder you if you even touch the thing.” Dean circled it hungrily, admiring the leather and pristine metal. “You know, I hear he plays for both teams.” Dean raised his eye brows at her and she shrugged, grinning. “Hey, something to think about.”
Dean left the motorcycle almost reluctantly behind and the pair made their way to the front doors, already spotting their friends in the mix. “Joe, that boy is so ridiculously stuck up; he could spit out diamonds. I’m surprised he even goes to this shithole.” They made their way inside, and turned to leave each other. Dean had English first, Joe’s got Math. They wouldn’t see each other again till fourth period, Chemistry.
Joe tossed her hair over her shoulder, already turning to leave. “He’s got gorgeous eyes though.”
“That he does. One killer ass, too.” Dean winked at Joe’s bemused expression and headed to class, eager to just get the day over with. One more down till graduation.
****
Castiel’s high began to fade before third period. The pills he took had made him feel good enough, but the effects of no sleep were beginning to catch up to him. He left Statistics with a heavy head, debating skipping fourth for some well deserved coffee and a nap in the warm comfort of the library.
“Castiel!” He turned at the sound of his name and two bright red heads with infectious smiles stood behind him in an instant. He broke out into a real grin, the first one of the day and hugged them both in turn.
“Charlie! Anna! God, I fuckin’ missed you. How was Canada?” The twin sisters beamed, and both launched into stories from their summer vacation, skiing and boys, all the stuff they did. They are easily two of Castiel’s bestfriends, a position he did not take lightly, and the sisters felt the same. He nodded along with them as the three trekked to Chemistry. Anna peeled off for History, but promised to find them for lunch. Her red hair shone out like a light in the dark amid the students milling through the halls.
Charlie linked arms with Castiel. “Oh, I almost forgot!” She reached into her patchwork bag and pulled out a thermos. “Iced coffee for you.” Cas’ eyes widened.
“Charlie, I love you.”
Charlie grinned. “I know.” Her face fell a little and she twisted her arm out of Castiel’s. “You know, last year whenever I offered you coffee, you turned it down. Does that mean…”
Castiel painted on a smile and nodded. “Completely clean, my dear. Haven’t done anything in months!” The lie tasted sour on his tongue, and guilt kneaded in his heart at Charlie’s vibrant expression.
“Castiel, that’s wonderful! We were really worried there for awhile but-“ They arrived at Chemistry and Cas threw a warning look her way. Nobody else knew about Cas’ problems, not even his little brother. The secret that he shared with the twins would destroy him if it ever got out. Charlie nodded somberly and tightened her lips into a line. They entered the Chemistry lab together and surveyed the room. Castiel groaned inwardly at the sight of his fellow peers.
Castiel noticed Jo and waved to her, earning a smile in return. They were acquaintances, he wouldn’t go as far to say friends, but they sat at the same lunch table sometimes, and he saw her at the same parties. The boy next to her had his back turned, so Castiel looked around the rest of the room.
He and Charlie made their way over to a group by the window. Tessa, Chuck, Balthazar, and Garth were all laughing loudly, and they greeted the pair with wide smiles and tight hugs, just like always. Their summers were spent apart, as usual, but they managed to rekindle as soon as they met back up.
“Cassie.” Tessa whispered to him, and he leaned in close to hear her, flinching slightly at the girly nickname Balthazar had made up. “Meg Masters is staring at you like some kind of prey.” Castiel turned, and sure enough the curvy brunette locked eyes dead on with him. She waved and he grinned, winking at her, making her blush. She’s hot, sure, but Castiel had never felt much attraction to her. She was disturbed, even more so then Castiel. His wrist throbbed at that thought, but he ignored it, letting the pain burn out on its own. Meg may be out of control, but Castiel was downright wild.
Mr. Edlund came in, surveying his Senior Chemistry class with an air of disappointment and boredom. His voice was monotone and drab, barely masking his lack of interest. “Welcome to Chemistry. I can see you have already chosen seats, although I’ll be assigning them momentarily.” The class groaned and he glared at them in annoyance. Castiel sighed and glanced at Charlie who looked severely disgruntled. She leaned over and whispered in his ear. “Fuck this. You gonna be okay, Cassie?”
He sighed, rolling his eyes at the prospect of having to socialize with a lab partner all period. “My people skills are a bit rusty.” She gave him a sympathetic nod, whispering back a quiet “Me too.” They all gathered their books and moved to the front. Mr. Edlund began calling names slowly while they shuffled to their seats.
“Charlie Bradbury with….Joanna Harvelle.” Charlie smiled and the girls sat together, chatting quietly as everyone else is seated. He felt a pang of jealousy watching the pair; he had never had that sort of ease around people.
Cas waited…and waited…and waited. “Meg Masters with Lisa Braden.” Lisa scowled and Meg grinned like the Cheshire. “Tessa Reaper and…” He squinted at his own handwriting. He looked up and pointed at Garth. “You.” Garth nodded and sat down, his books sliding off the desk and onto the floor. Two tables left, all the way in the back. Mr. Edlund pointed to the one in the middle. “Castiel Novak and…Dean Winchester.” Castiel’s breathe all but caught in his throat.
****
They sat without speaking, a good distance apart. Castiel tried to focus, but he couldn’t help but cast sidelong glances at his partner. Dean was…beautiful. Chiseled jaw, cropped brown hair, tan skin with a smatter of freckles…and his eyes. Bright, grass green. So alive and bright, unlike the deadness Castiel sometimes found in the mirror. Dean was entrancing, and every glance Castiel made left his heart racing in his chest.
Castiel could remember when Dean came out of the closet sophomore year. Kansas, surprisingly, met it with tolerance. He was the star football player, and his charisma was infectious, charming smile, give-em-hell attitude, the kind of man you would want to meet your parents. The town had made him a poster boy of fags, although Dean never encouraged that. While young boys everywhere looked up to him as ‘a brave leader for sexual equality’, he simply sat quietly and held hands with his boyfriend at the time. His name had been Benny, and he had moved away after they split up. Dean had apparently been really broken up about it, but here he was, sitting in Chemistry, seemingly fine.
Castiel had wanted Dean since the second they crossed paths. Of course, he knew Dean wasn’t his type. Castiel was straight, or so he told his parents. It wasn’t like he watched gay porn on the weekends; he didn’t watch porn at all. He had slept with girls before, and a few guys. People knew he wasn’t completely hetero, just mostly. But there was something about Dean that made his pulse quicken. And here he was, a foot away, wearing that damn leather jacket. Castiel couldn’t think of one thing to say.
****
Dean’s palms were sweating, his mind trying to fight off all the dirty thoughts about the boy sitting next to him. He had thought maybe it was a trick of the light, but when Castiel blinked at him with wide eyes, he swore he saw the heavens there. They were so…perfect. Beautiful. They had this magnitude in them that Dean couldn’t quite understand. It made his heart beat faster, and when he sat down next to Castiel he made sure to look dead ahead, afraid that any eye contact and Dean could be lost forever in all that fucking blue.
He remembered Castiel. He had been there at the funeral, although they had been just kids then. Castiel’s father had given the service. He saw him around school, they had some similar friends, and he knew that Castiel was a rich-as-shit boy who apparently was up for anything. When Benny was still around, he had told Dean stories about Castiel. He had driven a car into Lisa’s pool at her sweet sixteen party. He had gotten head in the library behind the bookshelves during a study hall period. Anything you could think of, Castiel Novak had done it. He was a total badass, but when Dean looked into his eyes all he saw was pure, unbridled sadness.
He had never seen anyone that sad before. Maybe his dad, but he always remembered his dad as being miserable, so Dean just got used to it. Castiel looked like a lost kitten, begging for someone to hold them. As much as Dean willed the thought away, all he could imagine while they sat in Chemistry was sleeping next to Castiel, and waking the next morning next to those blue eyes full of happiness.
“Please, turn to your partner. I’ll give you a few minutes to get to know each other.” Mr. Edlund sat heavily on his swivel chair and looked up at the ceiling absently.
Dean turned to look at Castiel, immediately being enveloped in his aquatic eyes. “Dean Winchester.” He noticed Castiel had his ears pierced, and a small cartilage ring glimmered on the top of his left ear.
Castiel’s expression looked vacant once again, the mask thrown over the sadness like Dean had perfected so many years ago. “I’m Castiel Novak.”
Dean nodded and rubbed his neck. Castiel had a voice unlike Dean had ever heard. It was rich and sexy, like dark chocolate and gravel that sent shivers down Dean’s spine. “What do you like to do, Castiel?”
He smiled inattentively. “Drugs.” Dean raised his eyebrows. He knew Castiel wasn’t exactly clean cut, but he hadn’t expected the forwardness. Castiel looked up at him through his lashes. Dean grinned.
“Me too, man, me too.” Castiel nodded, biting his bottom lip. Dean stared, transfixed at the motion. He swallowed hard, desire pooling in his stomach. It was quiet for awhile. Castiel was the first to break the silence.
“Did you know if the sun burnt out it would take eight minutes for the world to go dark?” He played with the hem of his sweater absently.
Dean paused, thinking hard about his response. “I did not know that. Pretty fucked up though, I guess.” Dean thought about how dark it would be. No light at all from the outside, just unbroken darkness. Dean would rather flames. He shuddered involuntarily. Again, it was quiet and slightly awkward. “So, Cas, how would you spend those eight minutes? After the sun burnt out but before the darkness I mean.”
Cas’ eyes widened and he looked up at Dean. “Cas? You called me Cas.” Dean looked back at him with equally large eyes and shrugged. Castiel looked down at his hands and twisted the ring on his finger. Dean felt uncomfortable, and turned to face the front again. When Cas spoke it was a whisper. “I guess I would find some good company, lie in bed with music playing and smoke a little bit. Just kind of…wait for the darkness you know?”
Dean smiled lightly, just as the bell rang, signaling the end of class. He had been thinking the exact same thing, “Yeah. Yeah I know.”
****
Cas liked his new nickname. His real name was angelic, and beautiful in its own way, but Cas sounded comfortable. He especially liked it coming from Dean’s lips. Of course, he had been extremely embarrassed when he found himself talking about the sun to Dean, but Dean didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he had seemed almost impressed. Cas liked that.
The next few days past by smoothly, and Cas began to look forward to fourth period. He and Dean would relax in the back, take notes and talk quietly about anything. Music, school, people. Anything that came to mind. It was easy to talk to Dean. It made Cas feel…whole.
Of course, that didn’t change things at home. His mother still drank, his father still gazed at him with an air of disappointment, muttering about hell and rapture while Cas stared at his food, untouched. Gabe continued to be oblivious, and Cas simply took to his room with some bud, music, and his trusty razor blade. Nobody ever asked him why he wore long sleeves in the middle of August. Cas knew they just didn’t care.
It happened on a Tuesday. Two weeks and one day after he got paired up with Dean, and so far everything had been fine. They exchanged numbers but never texted, nodded at each other in the hallways, the whole nine yards. Occasionally their knees would bump under the table or their hands would brush and both boys would freeze, lingering for a few seconds before pulling away, faces flushed.
It was lunchtime, and Cas was sitting under a tree, watching as Dean talked to his football buddies. The air was brisker then normal, and Dean’s leather jacket had been replaced with a red and white letterman jacket from the football team. Cas wanted nothing more then to wrap himself up in the jacket, and smell Dean, motor oil, leather, and a bit like vinyl records. It was fair to say he had a little more then a crush on the guy.
“Hello, Clarence.” Cas looked up idly at Meg. He didn’t care for that nickname very much. Castiel had stopped flirting with her, but she was consistent. He just wasn’t interested, and the affections bordered on annoying.
Crowley stood next to her, arms folded, looking at Cas like he was some type of trash left out on the beach. Cas sighed.
“Meg.” He responded, curtly. “Crowley.” She shimmied down next to him, her skirt riding up around her thighs although the air was brisk. Crowley sat on his other side, far too close for comfort. Cas made a point to look at Dean in the opposite direction. He sighed.
Meg must have noticed because she huffed and crossed her arms. “So that’s what this is all about. You know, I see you and Winchester in fourth period. I think it’s hilarious, watching you try and catch those dapper green eyes. A guy like Dean would never go for a guy like you. He may be gay, but, hun, come on. The kid is the all-American dream, sob story and all. And you’re…well…you.”
Cas glared sidelong at her. “What’s that supposed to mean? Dean likes me just fine”
Meg matched his glare with a snort. Crowley cut in, his eyes looking murderous even in the warm sunshine. “You’re a burnout, Castiel. A bored little rich kid with no real aspirations. You ever see Dean’s last hit? Benny was a star athlete, and went to an Ivy. Good luck competing with that.” He paused. “Besides, Dean’s not all rich and spoiled like you. The kid is suave as they come. That sweater you got on probably costs as much as everything in his house.” Meg cackled into her hand.
Cas stared down at his black sweater. It was designer, but his mom bought it not him. It itched and felt rough, but Cas liked the way it bagged over his narrow hips. He thought it made him look skinnier. It was one of the few items of clothing Cas felt at home in.
Cas scoffed, trying to hide the burn in his heart. “Meg, you’re just a jealous bitch. Dean likes me, hell, who knows. We might end up being real close sometime soon. So shut the fuck up, okay?” Meg didn’t even appear fazed.
“Alright fine, Castiel, I’ll play. I bet you your motorcycle that you can’t get Dean to sleep with you by the end of the school year.” Crowley smiled, looking like a shark circling its prey.
Cas paused, cracking his knuckles and staring at Dean. Meg was renowned for making deals like this. It was probably paying for her education. It could be easy, he knew Dean had a longtime boyfriend in the past; they probably did it all the time. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, ignoring the high schools no smoking policy. He had been smoking a lot lately. It was much easier then popping pills.
“By the end of the year?” Meg nodded, with a devilish glint in her eyes. Cas thought for another minute before grinning at her. “What if I win?”
Meg raised her eyebrows. “Easy. I’ll pay for your drugs.” Cas smirked and turned away. “I’m serious. You get in those jeans by the end of the year, all narcotics are on me.”
“Deal.” Crowley’s eyes widened.
“You’re serious? If you lose, I get your bike.”
Cas shrugged. “Hey, he’s good looking enough. Might even be fun.” He reached out his hand. “Shake on it?”
Meg shook her head. “Oh no, baby, we seal this deal with a kiss.” She leaned in and smacked her lips against Castiel’s. He kissed back, sliding his tongue into her mouth, drawing it out till she shifted closer, asking for more. He pushed her back after a few seconds, bored already. She lingered against his cheek, but he brushed her off easily.
“You’ve got yourself a deal.”
Meg huffed. “I need proof.”
Cas glared at her. “What, you want me to record it or something? Steal his boxers so you can hide them for keepsake? Sick little girl, Meg.”
Meg rolled her eyes. “No, jackass. Bring me his letterman jacket before graduation, and he has to give it to you.” Cas nodded, already standing up to leave. “Hey, Cas, I’m already looking forward to taking that sweet bike out on the town!” Crowley grinned. He flipped them off behind him and made his way inside.
Dean waved at him good naturedly in the hallway, and Cas returned it with a rare smile. Guilt tugged at his heart. Cas had never been good at living up to people’s expectations, but had he really sank so low that he was betting on other people’s hearts? That was pathetic, even for him.
He wondered how hard Dean would fall once he found out the truth.