Chapter Text
Summer vacation was on the horizon for what felt like all but the third year students of Odaiba high school. Tai gazed longingly out the window at his former soccer team mates practicing, which didn't go unnoticed by his study partner. Matt struggled to understand the preference for being out in the unrelenting Japanese summer heat. Not that he was a fan of studying, it was the library air conditioning that made missing out on band practices barrable. That, and that studying together was the only guilt-free way Matt felt he could spend an extended period of time with his closest friend. Matt turned his attention back to the physics test paper he'd recently had returned, only to have it suddenly snatched from under his nose.
"Can I use your paper to check my answers?"
Matt debated replying with a quip about asking before you take the paper, but opted to reply by sighing and shuffling his papers to review chemistry instead.
"I don’t understand why Waseda University would care about my scores in physics when I’m applying for political science." Tai moaned, checking his own, somewhat average results against Matt's 98%.
“I’d say you’re aiming more for one of the division 2 soccer teams west of Tokyo.”
“No! Well, maybe, but you know, I hear a lot of foreigners go to Waseda, they have good exchange programs and stuff so.”
Matt smiled, enjoying their light hearted interaction as always. He knew Tai's interest in abroad was in a rather abstract sense. After the events of last year, Tai was more committed than before to the maintenance of peace between the two worlds and he figured that if he wanted to achieve that, he should learn more about maintaining peace in this one. Matt's ambitions to understand their world were similarly abstract, and similarly motivated.
Matt notices Tai's eyebrows furrowed in frustration at a question and offers to help. As he reaches across the table to take a look at the problem, his hand brushes that of his friend and he feels warmth radiate up his arm. Matt didn't like studying, but he could do it. He understood it, and was good at it. Emotions were a separate matter. He had never understood them, nor been good at them. And these feelings he had towards Tai were particularly… vexing.
"You're top of the school in physics, chemistry, music and English, but you've managed to avoid being called a nerd your entire school career. How did you do it Yamato Ishida?" Tai holds his pen out like a microphone after Matt finishes giving him a few tips. Matt lets out a low laugh and playfully pushes the 'microphone' away. "I'm serious though! Why do you and TK have to be such overachievers?"
Matt hums in response. Tai wasn't entirely wrong, but Matt didn't like to draw attention to it.
"TK told me he wants to write a book in the future."
"Yeah? Do you think he'll aim for Todai too?"
"Doubt it. He'll choose somewhere more arts oriented I think."
"Well, with scores like these," Tai dramatically drops Matt's physics paper back under his nose, "You're a shoe in. You could be a rocket scientist."
Matt gives Tai a half smile, "Dream big, right?"
Matt notices Tai's unrelenting smile drop for a split second at the reminder of their late career advisor.
"Yeah, dream big."
Tai turned back to his own work, but Matt could tell his wasn't taking any of it in. He seemed to be staring through the table. Tai hadn't spoken much of what had happened while they were separated, and whenever the subject was touched on, no matter how slightly, Matt would notice a vacancy cross his eyes that was all too familiar. He felt uncomfortable being faced with his own traits like this. One of the things he felt made him and Tai such a strong team was their complementary personalities. Opposite, but harmonious. If Tai started acting more like him, it would pose a problem.
Matt has asked Tai before if anything was wrong, but each time was met with a change of subject. After experiencing this first hand, Matt made a mental note to do it less himself. It hurt, seeing someone so important struggle with something on their own.
What had Gabumon said to him that made him realise he wasn’t alone? For starters, he’d bitten him. Matt picks up his small eraser and flicks it expertly at Tai's forehead.
"Ey! What was that for?"
“Snap out of it.”
"I don't know what you mean." Tai replied coolly, flicking the eraser back across the table, maintaining steely eye contact with the blue eyes across from him.
Matt sighs and begins to pack up his things, Tai watching him quizzically, "Let's go."
"Huh? But we've only been here an hour."
"I can't focus."
Once Tai saw Matt was serious he quickly packed his own belongings.
The pair took the scenic route home by the canal, the hot sun hanging lower in the early evening sky. Tai had set a slower pace than usual, staring unemotionally at the impending sunset
What else had Gabumon said back then?
“I didn’t wait my whole life for you to arrive just so you could wallow in self pity”
“Huh?”
Matt didn’t realise he’d mumbled that out loud. “G-Gabumon told me that once, a long time ago."
Tai gave him a look that showed he was waiting for the rest of the explanation.
"Tai, whenever I ask if things are alright, you say they’re alright when obviously they’re not." Matt stopped walking, frustratedly running a hand through his hair before letting it fall limply by his side, the other arm shifting his school bag nervously. It was hard to think of the right words to say. Forget right words, he'd settle for good words to say. Ignoring the more complicated feelings he had towards his friend that he couldn't quite reconcile right now, he knew at the very least he couldn't stand seeing his friend feeling alone.
"Look, about last year, when you… disappeared," Matt stole a glance at Tai, since when was his face so hard to read?
"I didn’t…. I never lost hope that you were ok and that you would come back," Matt noticed Tai shuffle nervously as well, deciding now to stare at the ground instead of intently back at him.
"I didn't accept it, and I wouldn't let anyone else accept it either. I waited for you to come back for us, but I didn’t wait for you just so I could have half of my friend back!”
Matt only then noticed that his voice had risen and his jaw was clenching so tightly his ears hurt.
“Yamato…”
“Look, if you want me to leave it, then I’ll leave it be! But only if that’s what you really want."
Matt cast his eyes downward and moved to walk away when he felt his arm being held back. He swivelled and instinctively tried to free himself from Tai's grip, but this only served to strengthen his hold.
"That whole time, last year," Tai's voice started so quiet Matt was unsure he'd heard it, "I was scared. I was so scared that our actions would hurt more people than they saved. That someone might die because of me.”
Tai's fingers dug into Matt's forearm and he noticed that Tai was shaking sightly. It was then that Tai looked up at him with a desperate look.
“Then someone died Matt! Nishijima-sensei died! Because of me! And that’s…. That's my burden. No one else’s.”
Tai appeared to hold his breath, his eyes struggling to contain themselves, but still staring deep into Matt's soul. He knew the look. The look of maintaining appearances and resolving not to cry when that's all you want to do.
“If you want to cry, then cry." Matt says softly, but deliberately.
Tai clenches his teeth and tries to use his free arm to push the tears back, but Matt grabs him and pulls him into a firm embrace.
He resists at first, but then he feels Tai relax in his arms as he sobs silently into his shoulder.
“You don’t have to be alone.”