Chapter Text
Ah, it's still too dark. Jimin opened his eyes, but everything was pitch black, the curtain were so thick that the outside lights can't entered the room. Where am I? His head hurt so bad, he put his hand on his temples and tried to sit up. Ah, uh, it hurts so much, Jimin took a long time to remember why he was here. Right, he went to this hotel room with Roger, the two of them had been together all night, but why was it still so dark out.
Roger, Roger ah, wake up, Jimin put his hand to the side and lightly shook the other man. He was pretty sure the dude was still beside him, he touched his arm but they were damp and it made Jimin's hand sticky. What the hell, Jimin mumbled, then stood up unsteadily searching for the light switch.
And the scream that he forced himself to hold back was loud, Jimin's heart was pounding, goosebumps all over his skin, he stood right there and tried his best to calm down, but he couldn't, and then he threw up all over the floor.
THREE DAYS AGO
Jimin blew his nose, then rolled up the tissue and threw it in the trash can, it fell out. Too lazy to pick it up and put it properly in the trash, Jimin laid back on the bench, it was so cold that after just five minutes his nose was runny again.
Fucking shit, life is so miserable, Jimin pulled out a tissue to blow his nose again.
Someone walked up to him, they stood above his head, blocking Jimin's sunshine.
"Hey, please," Jimin yelled.
"It's rare to see you so diligent," the other said. "Nine in the morning, are you still our Jimin?"
Because he knew what the other person meant, he pouted silently.
"Does Jaebeom have lecture today?"
"You're so noisy," Jimin said irritably. "If you talk like that again, I swear to God, Jungkook, I'll punch you."
“Alright alright.” Jungkook raised his hands in good faith.
"Where is Taetae?"
"He’s still sleeping at home, last night we went a little too much."
Jimin rolled his eyes, "Show off." And Jungkook giggled.
"Are you just sitting here? Not gonna come inside?"
"I don't have class today."
“Shit, Jimin,” Jungkook exclaimed, “You should go home. Doing this will only scare the boys even more, Jaebeom will never look at you with even half his eyes.”
As if I don't know, Jimin sulked inside. He knew, but what can he do when he always fell for straight guys, and, predictable, every time they would broke his heart. He never learned.
Jimin said nothing, and so Jungkook sighed, “My lecture starts now. Go home, Jimin. Or come over to my appartment, Tae is still there and you two should talk.” After saying that, Jungkook turned his back and walked inside.
Even a dongsaeng pities me, I'm really so pathetic, Jimin thought. Then he sat up and blew his nose one more time, went to the trash can, picked up the rolled tissues and threw it in neatly. Then he walked into the hall, went inside the elevator and pressed third floor. You are here anyway, so there's nothing wrong with going to see Jaebeom, he will only talk to Jaebeom a little, that's okay, that's okay.
Jimin walked through the corridor, usually the first lecture started at the quarter past nine, he waited outside without seeing Jaebeom passing by, so maybe he was already in class.
"Oh, I had to go around the block B to get here—" Jaebeom's voice came from inside the classroom. Jimin excitedly intended to go in, but the other continued, “Disgusting, knowing what that guy thinks makes me not want to meet him at all. I know that now everyone is all about feminism, then gender equality, then gay rights, and I swear I was trying my best to be tolerant. But that Park Jimin, just seeing him, knowing he is gay for me give me goosebumps.”
Jimin stood outside the door, he felt his heart once again being strangled and thrown to the ground. He turned and went to the emergency exit, not using the elevator this time. He walked down and when he was completely outside he searched his pockets for a cigarette. Jimin wasn't a smoker, but he had an older boyfriend when he was in high school and the man smoked a lot. That habit of his ex had a bit of influence on Jimin, now whenever he found himself unable to fend off something he would want to smoke a cigarette.
He still had a pack of cigarettes in his pocket, but he could not find the lighter, so he squatted in front of the emergency exit and cried softly. Why did he never learn.
About half an hour later, Jimin got up and walked out of the university. He had to sit through four bus stops, and took the train for another seven stops, then walked four hundred meters to reach Jungkook's apartment. He stood outside ringing the bell repeatedly— and Taetae, with his disheveled hair, opened the door, he was about to curse when he suddenly widened his eyes, Jiminie? And Jimin only knew that he rushed to hug Taehyung tightly because everything was too hard.
Jimin's best friend hugged him, rubbed his back and soothed him. "Come on, Jiminie, it's okay, it's okay." Taehyung removed his jacket, made him a cup of hot tea, then curled up with him on the bed and Jimin fell asleep while still sobbing in the other person's arms.
Jimin was born with both genitals. Hermaphrodite, according to his doctor. Intersex, according to Jimin himself. Neither male nor female, according to his relatives. Jimin had the body of a boy, but his penis was small, it was functional though he had no testicle, and he also had a vagina. His parents were panicked, they dragged Jimin around the country for all kinds of test. All the doctors shook their heads, Jimin will be infertile, he will never be able to father any children. He could live as a boy, if he wanted to. Jimin had no body hair, he had smaller frame than other men, he didn't menstruate, though Jimin still had a uterus and unformed ovaries, they stopped developing when he was five or something. His father wanted him to have them removed, but Jimin's mother wanted him to grow up and make his own choice. Anyway, they raised Jimin like a boy, and Jimin also identify himself as a boy, of course sometimes he was a little too feminine compared to other boys, but he was still a boy.
When Jimin first found out he had no feelings for girls, and instead, he liked Honggi in eighth grade, Jimin was scared. He went back home wondering what was going on with him. He thought of thousands and thousands wrongful scenarios, he didn't dare to talk to anyone, he avoided Honggi whenever he could. He stopped studying ballet, even though he enjoyed dancing, but he read somewhere that ballet was an effeminate art, he was so terrified. He never knew boys could be attracted to boys, and girls could be attracted to girls, nobody ever said anything about it, no information, no media coverage, nothing.
In less than ten years the world had changed a lot, and so did Korea. It turned out that nothing was wrong, nothing was wrong. Jimin must always tell himself that. He was twenty years old, moved out of Busan because he could not face his parents without seeing the disappointment always so deep in their eyes. He was glad that he had a younger brother, Jihyun, and the boy was indeed a boy. His brother did not have an unnecessary genitals, enjoyed sports and sometimes even got into fights at school, and so their parents were so proud of him.
It was not until Jimin attended university that he had his first true friend, and the world in Seoul was a world for him to feel free. Not exactly as free as the people in western countries, but as long as he stayed in Seoul, no one will gossip about his gender, no one will notice every single thing he did, how he behaved, and no one will remind Jimin of the years he felt scared with his own feelings.
Jimin rarely returned to Busan, except for major holidays, like New Year, and Chuseok. Even so, he still tried to spend the least time with his family. He loved his parents, but they weren't open-minded, like most koreans, he still had to hide himself in front of them. Sometimes Jimin's mother asked him if he had decided to have the surgery, she didn't mean anything bad, she was just afraid that Jimin was too weird for girls, all korean parents wanted their child to get married and have a family at the right age. And Jimin had to turn away, he did not want to talk about this issue with his mother.
Jimin's vagina was probably the best thing that ever happened to him, if he weren't so pissed off at life for being intersex. It enabled him to enjoy sex to the fullest. His incompleted ovaries did not affect the function of his vagina, of course he still had to use lube, but everyone who had slept with Jimin was crazy about him. Or they had, at least, before they realized he was annoying and clingy as fuck. What made it worse was that Jimin only liked straight guys, or at least, bisexual, and in the end they always left because it was easier to be with a girl.
Jimin's first lover, who took away his virginity, was a subordinate of his father. They were surreptitiously fucking for a while until the man decided to get married. In the end, even if he had a vagina, he couldn't be a girl, can never bear any children, Jimin thought bitterly. He also didn't want to be a girl, but he wanted to be someone's choice.
Jimin woke up when it was noon. Taehyung was cooking something in the kitchen, seeing Jimin walked out while rubbing his eyes, he placed the omelette on the table and motioned for Jimin to sit down.
"Did you eat anything?" Taehyung asked. “Try this, when Jungkook returns we will go out to eat. Do you have to work tomorrow?”
"Yes. If I take another day off my boss will kill me. But the day after tomorrow I only have morning class and then I have a whole day off after that.”
“Then the day after tomorrow.” Taehyung smiled and sat down at the table with Jimin.
"Thank you," Jimin said.
“No need to thank me, Jaebeom is an asshole.” Taehyung was also focus on his plate. “Straight is one thing, but taking advantage of another person's feelings and acting like an asshole is another story.”
"Perhaps the problem lies with me." Jimin mumbled softly.
"Don't say that, there's nothing wrong with you." Taehyung said as he reached for Jimin's hand. "You have me and Jungkook, you will find a nice person." He paused for a moment. "But you should refrain from your obsession with straight dudes, I mean it."
“Maybe it's because I was destined to be a girl so I always fall for straight guys.” Jimin pouted.
"Maybe", Taehyung laughed. "But you have the best of both worlds, that's rare."
Late at night when Jimin came back home, he prepared hot water and sat in the bathtub soaking in thoughts. All Jaebeom did was smile at him a few times, asked him to go for lunch a few times, and then he was ready to show the asshole everything he knew. The hours he spent dancing, devising new dance moves to show Jaebeom, so that he could complete his performance. Why was Jimin always like that, why would he always starve for a even a slightest bit of attention.
He stood up and get out when his body was as red as a lobster. He went into the bedroom to check his phone, answered Taehyung's messages asking if he went home safely. Then he put on moisturizer and got under the covers, he slept too much today. Jimin felt a little jealous of Taehyung, having found love so soon. Jimin kept thinking, he was kinda depressed, for the past two years he had so many one night stands, and many dates, many times he was disappointed, he really couldn't remember them all.
The next day passed quite in a blur. Jimin went to university because he had to spend a lot of time practicing for the upcoming performance, he was a third year dance major, so most of the time Jimin spent in the practice room because he didn't have much theory anymore. Then Jimin went back home changing before going to work, he worked as a waiter at a five-star hotel's restaurant. He only had to work three days a week because he was a student and his parents still sent him pocket money every month. Sometimes he thought they provided for him because they felt guilty that he was born a freak. Usually work places didn't hire students because they had the right to limit their working hours, but because Jimin had good looks (he was pretty, he would have to say that), a lot of luxurious places needed staff with both looks and competence.
Jimin liked this place. One of the reasons was that he met celebrities very often. For example, today Jimin was busy taking out dishes out of the dishwasher when an excited female employee came in, "Everyone, RM, RM is here!!!" Who doesn't know who RM is.
RM, or Kim Namjoon, was the most famous rapper in Korea. Jimin didn't remember when the man became famous, back there when Jimin was still in middle school? He had to admit that many times he drooled when he read about RM online. Tall, big, and handsome, with tanned skin and platinum hair, and dimples, Jimin liked those dimples. And even though Jimin didn't really into rap (Jimin liked ballad), but the way RM rapped, his stage presence, oh god Jimin wanted the rapper to please push him to the ground and dick him down so that he could barely walk after. RM was unreachable yet he was the dream of many girls, and boys (like Jimin).
Unfortunately, RM had a girlfriend. He had been publicly dating his girlfriend for a few years, they were serious. RM's girlfriend was a B list actor, not too famous, but beautiful, and had never had a scandal in her career, even her movie image was the perfect image. Almost all ordinary people knew they can't get a chance with RM, but that didn't stop them from dreaming, and Jimin was curious to see how RM looked in flesh and bones. But while the whole team was excited, the manager came, and very quickly Jimin had to get back to putting the dishes on the shelf while only the manager was allowed to meet RM.
Bummed, Jimin sighed. But he forgot about RM when he got a lot of tips that night, and it was ten o'clock when he got off work. Jimin managed to steal a chocolate lava cake from his restaurant, they made the best chocolate lava cake in Seoul, he walked down the street to buy tteok-bokki for his midnight snack. It was a bit troubling to think of Jaebeom, but he tried not to let things get too much on him.
Jimin was sitting alone eating while watching a rebroadcast of a tuesday night drama on tv, his mother texted and Jimin ignored it for about two hours before giving her a brief reply and wishing her goodnight because it was past twelve. Jimin's mother loved him so much, he knew, he was only afraid that when his mother found out that he liked boys, she would not want anything more to do with him. That was what happened to all the people he knew, they could live any way they wanted, but the moment they said they were gay, this society immediately got rid of them. And life was tired enough so Jimin didn't want to have to think about that.
Jimin packed up when he came back home from university, he will go to Taehyung and Jungkook's and tonight they will go out. He put on a little make-up, packed new shirt and boxer if he'll sleep over (if he can't find anyone tonight) and skincares. From Jimin's studio appartment he didn't need to take the bus, and he sat on the train mindlessly until he realized he had gone over one stop and had to take the train back.
"You came at the right time," Taehyung said. "Please tell Jungkook that he is my first serious boyfriend."
"You are Taehyung's first serious boyfriend." Jimin repeated what Taehyung said like a robot.
“Jeez, thank you, talking Tom cat.” Jungkook pouted.
"Come on," Taehyung hugged Jungkook, "This is no time to be angry, bunny."
“So let me rephrase it, Taehyung has a lot of non-serious relationships, but you're the only one who has passed the three-month mark, and after that, six months.” Jimin went to pat Jungkook's head.
"See, bunny?" Taehyung comforted. Then the two kissed and Jimin found it so disgustingly cute he had to go to the bathroom to wash his face.
They went out to dinner first. Jimin was upset, but not so much at Jaebeom, because actually, between him and Jaebeom? Nothing had happened, it was all an illusion of Jimin alone and he really hated it. He hated that he had always having his hopes up even though others had only talked to him a few times, he hated the fact that he always wanted attention from strangers to not feel too lacking in affection. Every time he would ended up crying and Taehyung had to listen to the all-too familiar, boring, repeated problems.
They got to the club at midnight, after so many sojus and Jimin was already a bit tipsy, he felt the admiring gazes when they entered. All three of them were not unsightly people. Jimin had never felt inferior about his appearance, the inferiority complex was his gender, his gender and sexual orientation made it difficult for him to find himself, to find someone for himself, in a society so conservative like this. He did not want to be taken advantage of, he did not want to have endless one night stands, over and over again. He wanted a gentle, caring and loving person. The kind of love that was all over dramas and movies.
Jimin drank quite a lot, he had good drinking capacity. Fluttering music and bright lights made him more comfortable, then he felt a hand reached his hips. "Hi baby," someone whispered behind him, a foreign voice.
Surprised, Jimin turned around. Okay, he may not be very good at English, but he can understand well enough, and can say very simple sentences like the textbooks have taught, such as: Hello how are you? I'm fine thank you and you? He didn't want to get involved with foreigners though, but the guy behind Jimin made him think again. Tall with brown skin and a buzzcut, energetic long eyelashes, "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen", the guy said, making Jimin blush. He looked to Taehyung and Jungkook right next to him and the two were locking lips, so Jimin kept dancing, and he leaned on the foreign guy a bit.
Under the too-noisy music, the two of them stood close to each other, and he smelled so sweet yet so spicy that it was hard to describe. Jimin had never smelled this perfume before, but it made his knees weak, made him unconsciously wanted to obey this person. "What's your name?" He asked. The foreign man pulled at Jimin's waist, "Roger," he answered. Jimin just needed to be as close to him as possible.
And the next thing Jimin knew was that he and Roger were kissing in the toilet, then Roger asked if Jimin wanted to go back to his hotel room, he was too horny and he agreed quickly, texting Taehyung while following Roger across two blocks to his hotel nearby.
Jimin no longer remembered what that room looked like. Roger pulled his pants down and the foreigner's eyes widened a little when he saw a pussy beneath Jimin's penis. "Perfect, perfect, perfect," he muttered, immediately putting his tongue down on Jimin's most private part and Jimin couldn't help but let out a groan.
They fucked until he was so exhausted and fell asleep beside Roger, Jimin must've orgasm at least three or four times. Condoms were thrown all over the floor because they didn't waste time to throw them in the trash. Jimin felt extremely satisfied because he completely forgot about Jaebeom.
Ah, it's still too dark. Jimin opened his eyes, but everything was pitch black, the curtain were so thick that the outside lights can't entered the room. Where am I? His head hurt so bad, he put his hand on his temples and tried to sit up. Ah, uh, it hurts so much, Jimin took a long time to remember why he was here. Right, he went to this hotel room with Roger, the two of them had been together all night, but why was it still so dark out.
Roger, Roger ah, wake up, Jimin put his hand to the side and lightly shook the other man. He was pretty sure the dude was still beside him, he touched his arm but they were damp and it made Jimin's hand sticky. What the hell, Jimin mumbled, then stood up unsteadily searching for the light switch.
And the scream that he forced himself to hold back was loud, Jimin's heart was pounding, goosebumps all over his skin, he stood right there and tried his best to calm down, but he couldn't, and then he threw up all over the floor. There was a strange image on the wall, a circle and inside there were two triangles interlocked and a bunch of zigzag characters that Jimin did not understand, it was drawn by blood. In fact, the whole room was covered with blood.
Roger lay in bed, eyes wide, lifeless, lips half-closed and dried blood stains on his hands. It was as if he had cut his wrists and used his own blood to paint on the wall. On his chest there was also a long cut, looked like it was made by a blade, Jimin did not understand why or how could this happened, he felt nauseous. His mind ran in many directions, and he reached for his clothes, quickly put them on, and dashed out of the room. He needed to leave, he didn't want to get involved with the police, and what the hell just happened to him?