Archive of Our Own

I.

Rin decides somewhere in the back of his mind that he definitely reads too much, and very little of it is of substance. On his desk sits about ten different books on the mechanics of swimming, page after page of theories outlining every little component that could boost his speed from shaving his body hair to lowering water resistance by angling his shoulders just right as they propel out of the water. He's poured over diagrams, mapped over every possibility in his head, playing out match after match until he could mentally illustrate what his ideal form should be against what his ideal form is now.

Yet it all goes to waste when his body hits the water, and he's swept up by Haru's words, wondering if that guy really is justified in his obsession with swimming 'free'. He wanted to cast it away as nonsense, but at the end of the day, Haru finds effortless harmony in the water while Rin only knows how to attack it feverishly, treating it like it's in the way of something better. That kind of yearning should be what puts him at the top, but instead, it creates an endless crater of frustration where skill should exist, expanding too quickly for him to quell.

Even now, when he's changing his outlook and transforming his swimming style, those theories bleed down deeper into his thoughts, noting every little square inch of himself that needs to be improved. The pressure culminates at the top of his spine and slinks downward until the weight is drawn all across his back, and he sometimes wants to scream from how far he is from where he wants to be.

But he's captain now, and the other guys in the swim team will look up to him and expect him to have all the answers. The books will spit out physics problems, but they won't compensate for how many people simply don't trust in their own bodies or feel comfortable inside their own skin. The pressures of being a high school student with mounting tests and deadlines doesn't help, and the theories won't shove them aside or tell them how to stop dreaming in numbers when there is a math exam waiting to slam into their thoughts and push them off the rails.

It's not the kind of thing Rin had signed up for, yet he has promised himself to stand in front of his team and aim to say what he honestly feels about the situation. If he can transmit some semblance of confidence to them, maybe he's done his job in giving them something to aspire to and something they can absorb into their own personal philosophy. He's more worried they'll imitate him blindly and that he'll lead them down the wrong path. He doesn't want to be the reason anyone fails, yet the books still sit there long after the long day is over, collecting dust. He stares at the covers, eyes skimming over the titles.

How many tell him that frustration is a good thing? How many spell it out in bold letters, detailing every way he should transfer that into fuel and spur himself to victory? They state it so easily that it's laughable because frustration isn't erased in a single match. The race is a prelude to more. Once you peak, how do you stay on top? Once you fall, how do you climb back up? Once you slip, where do you find the strength to stand?

He hates that feeling swelling in his gut, so it's hard not to knock the books on the ground or just get rid of them completely and start over. Maybe that's what he needs to do.

Either way, for whatever reason he can't fathom quite yet, Mikoshiba had entrusted his team to him, and he can't move from his bed long after, thinking that he can't do this. He can't handle it. He's not Mikoshiba, and he'll never be that kind of person. He knows his own shortcomings, and he doesn't think he even deserves the opportunity. But Mikoshiba is so certain of it that Rin stops questioning him after a while and starts wanting to believe.

There must be books out there with the same level of theories -how to be a good captain. How to help others succeed. How to give good swim advice. Rin doesn't want to parrot them out to a bunch of hopeful new faces, so he might as well flush the words all down and figure this out on his own.

When he thinks of fear, he sees Makoto's white-stricken face in his mind's eye, his gaze wide, staring at the water the way he had the day Haru had nearly drowned in it. If someone like that can still find it in himself to meet the water with all the quiet passion in the world, then he knows he can do this, too. Fear will always be there and so will agony and frustration, and he now recognizes that strength doesn't come from pretending they don't exist or pretending he's untouched by them. It comes from acknowledging the fear and the very realistic possibility of drowning and yet still throwing himself face first into the water.

The night after he's pronounced captain is spent lying in bed, a hand over his heart, feeling the way his pulse changes, speeding up frantically before slowing down. The music from his mp3 player becomes obsolete, and the only image he can think to relax him is the water filling the room, coming up way over his head.

II.

The world's cap-sized in an instant, the beginning of the semester bringing with it too many new faces, especially one that Rin should know by now, but five years have changed the bones and planes on it to something more mature and masculine. The intensity that only existed near the pool now seems like a permanent fixture, and it's always leveled at something distant when it's not leveled at Rin himself.

As easy and seamless as it feels to fall into their usual pattern, there's a broken stitch somewhere, a piece of thread that's hanging stubbornly when Rin glances at Sousuke and wonders what's really going on inside his head. For all intents and purposes, he wants to fool himself and believe that Sousuke is earnest when he says he wants to swim as he pleases in his last year of high school, but it nags at him the more words they exchange and the more Sousuke avoids giving him direct answers.

Even so, Rin finds comfort in having him there just as his own spine was about to snap from having a whole team dropped unceremoniously on his shoulders. Sousuke somehow seems to find ease in picking up part of it for him, holding it at just the right angle until Rin can adjust to his new role.

The theory books are long trashed, and he feels like he's rapidly gaining his footing in life again.

Though, he should know by now that whenever things start to lock into place is when life decides to blindside him, and this time it's a simple hand that sits on the back of his neck, fingers moving and pressing into his skin while Rin looks at training menus on his desk under the dim lamp light. He's barely even aware of them at first, casting them off as impertinent, but the pressure increases, a strong thumb and index finger pushing in and finding dual nodes at the edge of his nerves that had grown stiff from poor sleep and too much training.

Rin bites down on the back of his pen and feels his shoulders seize up unconsciously while Sousuke laughs the reaction off gently from somewhere behind him.

"Go to sleep, Rin," he says softly "-your eyes are going to be red tomorrow if you keep focusing like that. You also haven't written anything in over fifteen minutes."

"Shut up! I'm working here."

No, he obviously isn't. He was working, but then Sousuke had decided to come up behind him without warning and plant his fingers on the back of his neck like he was looking for an 'off' button. It had unnerved him quite honestly, and he's nearly chewed off the plastic from his pen while trying to figure out just why Sousuke was doing that. Maybe he was legitimately worried about him and how long he'd been concentrating on the sheets of paper before him, but the impression left behind from the simple action is… weird. Rin doesn't particularly like getting caught off-guard, and for all their rough-housing and man-handling, this is less 'boys will be boys' and more tender than what he's used to getting from Sousuke.

On the other hand, five years is a long time to grow apart, to discover things outside of one another, to evolve into different people. Who's to say what Sousuke is now? Even if they'd been two halves of a whole at one point, they went their separate ways long ago, and rediscovering each other is going to take a lot longer than few handshakes and old jokes can repair in just a couple of days.

Besides, they're on their last year of high school, reaching the cusp of adulthood and still trying to figure themselves out. Rin's had more questions on his mind than he has had time to answer, and with the added pressure of competition coming up, a team to throw together, and a roommate who both baffles him and makes him laugh, he really should stop letting the little things throw him this badly off-balance.

When Sousuke finally leaves personal space to climb onto his bed, it feels like the oppressive air around him has dissipated in that instant. Rin's muscles manage to sag a little, something he only becomes conscious about when they're no longer pulled so tightly inward, and he glances over to see that Sousuke is facing away and trying to find sleep beneath the lamp light that's still shining across Rin's desk.

"Good night," he calls out softly, "go to sleep soon."

"I got it. I got it. Stop hounding me."

The bite marks on the pen look too deep and pronounced, and Rin wonders what has him on edge. He should be happy to have his friend back and not feeling like some kind of impending storm cloud is stretching over their room right now.

His eyes shift to his back once more before deciding enough's enough. The light's quickly turned off, and he sinks into bed with a hand over his heart again. His pulse is still racing too quickly for him to sleep, and he feels his jaw lock up tensely while he stares up at the bunk above his, hyper-aware of each shift and each creak. He's sure Sousuke is already sound asleep, so why is he the only one struggling here?

III.

The shower water always crashes too loudly against his skin when he loses, but he doesn't think it's a bad thing. He remembers the sound of aboriginal drums when he lived in Australia. He used to hear the powerful staccato in the streets and was entranced by the way the artists' hands would pound against the surface, forming a beat that was intoxicating. Even now when he races, Rin hears it in the back of his mind, picking up in tune with his heart beat, and the water that falls on him now is equally frantic and maniacal.

It's a beautiful sound, and he promises he'll do better next time. No, they will do better next time because he's no longer on this journey alone. His whole team stands beside him, and they're laughing and clapping each other on the back, promising this isn't the end. It's always just the beginning, and Rin can find it in himself to laugh and give them hi-fives.

When the last bodies move out of the shower room, it ends up being just him and Sousuke standing side-by-side. Rin hears the water smacking even louder against his face and across his broad shoulders, and he glances at him curiously, well aware that puberty was more generous to him than it was himself. Genetics won't make him any taller, and his own muscles are as strong as they're ever going to be with his nonstop conditioning, but he's always been the product of sheer tenacity where Sousuke's build is effortless.

It feels like he naturally came into being that way and that even if he didn't spend his time training in the pool, he'd still be built like a tank. Of course, that's absolute nonsense. Muscles don't just spontaneously form from sitting around all day, but the difference between them is clearest when they're side by side and when he's dwarfed by the guy's impressive height. The differences between their bodies become narrower in the pool, when he swims in the lane next to him, and he feels like he can keep up with and it's just with the tiniest stretch that Sousuke ever beats him.

One day, that difference in their swimming will become nothing. Rin swears it up and down his mind, hoping that he'll be the one that Sousuke will be struggling to keep up with. For now, he's content to keep pushing him in the same ways that Sousuke pushes him in return, though he feels the warm steam drown his thoughts in a deeper haze as he dips his head lower against under the shower spray. Sousuke's silent next to him, but he can hear him squirt soap into his hands and can smell the scent of something tropical as he spreads it over his own arms.

He doesn't have to have his eyes open to imagine Sousuke's large hands traveling over his own shoulders, rubbing the liquid in against his flesh and spreading it around in slow circles over himself until it starts to carelessly dribble down his back. He'll leave it sluicing in between the muscles there, following the indented lines and painting across them while the water washes the suds off. Sousuke would then pour more soap on himself, both palms now working along the expanse of his finely-sculpted pectorals, slipping lower to push more liquid into the ridges of his rib cage and down between his abdominal muscles where they pause, caressing himself with soft strokes. The image is so clear in his mind, and Rin's unconsciously pressing his hands into the edges of his own stomach as he imagines Sousuke touching himself there, breathing too loud, fingers precariously hovering still before slipping downdowndown too far down-

-until the map of Sousuke's skin is abruptly torn in half the moment Rin re-opens his eyes and finds his own fingers frozen on himself. The bar of soap he had in his hand is crushed up against the base of his own rib cage, digging in a little painfully as he stares at the cracked tile in front of him. His distorted reflection looks back at him from the shower lever, and he's left feeling like his upper chest is throbbing painfully while Sousuke remains oblivious next to him. Or if he notices anything, he doesn't say anything because his eyes are still staring forward as he squeezes a fresh new batch of soap to push into his thighs.

Rin mentally tells himself to finish up quickly and leave. It's not important what Sousuke is doing or what he's looking at. He's sure the guy is equally lost in his own thoughts, wondering why they lost, analyzing every race until his mind is sick to death of replaying them. Those are the kinds of things he himself used to do up until recently because his mind has definitely started to wander more and more when he's not conscious of himself.

Where it went this time is a place he's afraid to explain to himself, but he wants to believe it's harmless. Nothing but a few images he stored away without thinking. He can brush them off, so he pushes the lever down and abruptly ends his shower.

"You didn't even finish washing yourself," Sousuke points out absently, but Rin's already walking too fast.

"I'll take another one later. I just wanted to get the smell of chlorine out."

It's true, though. His hair is a complete and tangled mess, and his lower body feels uncomfortably grimy with pool sweat. If he had a better way to calm himself and mask his discomfort, he'd have stayed longer to finish, but he's shaken still.

Any other protests on Sousuke's tongue die right there, and Rin doesn't bother looking back to see what face he's making.

IV.

On his iPod are a few drum solos, loud and uncontrolled. He hears the primal tone of them, picking up and screaming into his ears when Sousuke walks in with a towel sitting low on his waist. They don't say anything to one another. Rin's sure his hair is still a mess, scattered all over the pillow, but he doesn't want to acknowledge that anything's weird.

His habit is to close his eyes now and lose himself in something, pretending that he doesn't hear Sousuke's feet falling across the floor while he rummages through his drawer. He only opens one eye to catch the muscles on his back contract as he pulls a shirt over his head. Then it's over, and he's closing his eyes again and letting his heart match the beat of the drums again.

It keeps picking up and picking, and he thinks about all the times he felt this way. The first time had been all the way in elementary school, the day they'd won the relay and the day his arm landed around Haru's wet shoulders. They felt too small back then, bones digging into his own skin, and Haru smelled like chlorine. But his own heart was throbbing then, his skin feeling hotter than usual in spite of the cool water still clinging to it. Haru, oblivious to all, didn't bother to meet his eyes and tried to act affronted by the wet arm around him.

The funny thing is all Rin ever felt around Haru was the urge to get him to just notice him once. It took five years to realize that those eyes were always staring back at him, but they were never nearly as hot or untempered. In the end, Rin would end up dismissing the way he himself felt as nothing at all.

Years of dismissal are coming back to clutter his mind as he drowns in the percussive beat, wondering if he threw out an important clue back then. Maybe the way he's feeling now would make more sense if he didn't turn heel and drop the idea at all. He wants to know the reason why the tempo in his own body changes now by a single gaze, a single thought, a single sweep of fingers. Something is compounding slowly inside of him, and he feels at times that his body doesn't belong to him at all.

The music stops when the ear buds are rudely plucked out of his ears, and Sousuke's face comes into his line of sight, eyebrows knit towards the center.

"Didn't you hear me calling your name?"

Rin gives him an annoyed look in return, already mourning the distraction. He's still not ready to face those eyes bearing down at him and the metaphorical rubble that's piling up around his bed, ready to crush him completely.

"Didn't you see I had my ear buds in? What do you want anyway?"

Sousuke makes a huffing sound with just his nose and drops the buds on the pillow by Rin's head before replying, "I was asking if you want to get something to eat."

"Not in the mood."

"Since when?" Sousuke prods, now looking more concerned.

"I have homework. I'll just get something from the vending machines later."

He hates how defensive his own voice sounds and half-expects Sousuke to prod him further, but he doesn't.

"I'll see you later then."

It's like a breath fresh air when the door closes shut, and Rin feels his limbs practically loosen from the rest of him as he stretches out. The more he examines his own reactions, the more jumbled he gets about the ultimate source. What's at the core of his problem is a series of infinite answers, the worst ones being the first ones that come to mind.

Do I like him?

Am I attracted to guys?

Is it just because it's Sousuke?

What the hell is wrong with me?

His foot stretches up and digs into the metal of the bed frame above his own, and he starts traveling down the possibility that he could like guys. He could be drawn to them in that way. And if that's the case, then what is he going to do? What if he's the only one who's like this? What if he's the only person in the whole damn school who ever feels this way? It's not like he can bring it up to anyone or discuss it casually. It's not the kind of thing people talk about openly, and when his best friend happens to be the center of it, that leaves him with no real options to turn to.

The other choices… Nitori respects and admires him too much for Rin to want to distort the kid's pure-hearted view of him. Momo has cotton for brains. Gou is not an option. Haru is an even worse option. Makoto …would tell Haru. Nagisa isn't discreet. Rei has his own swimming problems to work through, first.

Truthfully… it's been a long time since Rin's felt this alone about anything. Not since he'd been in Australia, coming in last in every race and feeling like he was falling further and further behind had he been hit with the sensation of feeling utterly lost and without anyone to turn to. That had been when his notes to Sousuke (and Haru) had stopped completely because he couldn't find the words to describe his fears and frustration any longer, and he felt like even trying to write them would somehow make them more tangible.

At least if he gave no words to them, he could still sweep them aside and pretend they weren't true.

But he doesn't want to go down that road again and isolate himself even if he has been hoping in some corner of his mind that this is all just a weird moment that's going to pass and end up forgotten. Maybe he's just swept up in the thought of seeing Sousuke again and being around him after so long.

He clings to that thought so he can find some peace again because, right now, his team needs him. His team is his focus. Nothing else.

V.

The pool water feels colder when it's this late at night, and he's dipping below the surface, letting his body slide right through it the closer he gets to the bottom. The textured surface of it is rough, and he's scraping his fingers across before rising all the way up in a quick rush. The moment he resurfaces, air is drawn into his lungs, and Sousuke is waiting at the edge, watching him contemplatively.

In Rin's hand is a toy, clutched between his fingers as he climbs out, and his clothes are clinging uncomfortably to him all over, making him want to shiver as the air-conditioner blasts down on him. The little boy crying uncontrollably finally looks relieved as Rin holds it out to him, and he eagerly grabs the plastic toy and clutches it to his chest.

"T-thank you!" he cries out, and Rin's chest is suddenly full of snot and tiny arms, trying to hug around him while Rin ruffles the poor kid's hair.

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't drop it into the water again."

What is that brat even doing all the way over here this late? He had told Momo to keep an eye on his little cousin and not just let him run around the pool area as he pleases. Seriously, why can't that guy ever listen?

Either way, he's relieved the debacle is over even as water starts dripping down along his pants and nice dress shirt. Sousuke still has his cheek sitting on his palm as he stares up at him from his position on one of the benches, his eyes twinkling in bemusement.

"You didn't have to do that, you know."

"I know, but I didn't see you thinking of any better ideas to shut the kid up."

Sousuke shrugs, conceding to him, and Rin toes off his wet socks, unable to stand the wet sensation around his feet. The rest of his clothes will have to be washed, but he figures he can just deal with it back at the dorms.

The trek across the campus proves to be the biggest hassle, hearing his pants squelch unpleasantly with each step. The cold air keeps sweeping across his back and making him shiver, and Sousuke won't stop smirking as he walks beside him.

"What?" Rin finally snaps as he steps towards the door to their room.

"Nothing. I just never thought you had a soft spot for kids."

Rin opens his mouth to protest, but Sousuke's hand falls on his hair and ruffles it completely, making it stick out in every direction possible. All Rin can register is how hot his palm always feels against him and the way his fingers trail down the back of his skull for a moment, following his scalp and brushing across his neck before moving off of him entirely, leaves him dizzy for a moment. The searing trail of heat lingers, and Rin's own hand is turning white on the door knob before he forces the door open.

The aftermath of Sousuke's casual touching is always the same lately, his whole body feeling like it's one giant beating pulse that's going to rupture. His throat grows dry, and he can't swallow at all. Breathing is even more of a hassle, so all his thoughts fall limp when he tries to act normal. His actions become stranger and more robotic like this, grabbing the towel and all his bathing supplies. He's in a rush to leave the room, but Sousuke's staring at him like he's already noticed the change in his body language and is carefully dissecting him with his eyes.

What are you trying to find, Sousuke?

Who knows at this point because Sousuke has gone quiet, and Rin is practically rushing to get out of there so he can hide in the shower. When the warm spray hits him, he smacks his head on the wall before him and grits his teeth, knowing it's just getting worse. He hates being flustered and out of sorts. He hates that it's his best friend making him feel this way and that every time he comes close to saying something about it, he doesn't.

Or more like he can't.

Because Rin doesn't know at all how Sousuke would respond, and the worst scenario would be if he were to respond with vitriolic disgust. Rin also isn't even sure himself what he wants out of it. The confusion has been mounting for a long time now without any definite answer as to what he is or why he feels this way, even though it all makes more sense when he replays all the little things in his head that seemed innocent and harmless before.

In Australia, he was always staring at the older boys and comparing his bodies to theirs, feeling envious at how much they've grown and how broad and toned they were. Though, most of the time, he was just plain staring at them back then. Even after, he had felt a tinge of excitement hitting the water in the lane next to Haru's, and electricity would crawl down his spine, erupting at the base of it the closer he'd get to beating him. Then there were the times he'd stare at Makoto's warm eyes when he smiles and feel like he couldn't stop for some reason, and he'd push those little things under the casual label of 'friendship.' For him, it wasn't attraction.

For him, seeing Sousuke again and spending nearly every day intently watching the way his face changed subtly from morning to evening as a myriad of expressions would roll across his face was friendship. It wasn't attraction.

At least, that's what he wanted to believe because guys don't stare at guys that long and that deeply without it meaning something.

The water is shut off abruptly, and Rin stands there in the cold air, still freezing and trembling as he holds his chest. His thighs are shaking the most, and he's half-hard and confused, teeth clenching as though he can magically stop the flow of thoughts coursing through his head. He thinks if he were to reach down and touch himself, it would make the problem all the more real, and his only recourse is to recite all those theories he memorized back and forth, letting the litany drown out the thought of Sousuke's fingers sitting on the back of his neck, the tips of them brushing down to trace over the bump where his vertebrae begin. He lets the words flow more freely, the pages of arcs traced with rulers, each illustrating how his hands should be poised when entering the water and what angle his legs should remain in as he dives in so he can easily propel his body forward.

The ideal symmetry of swimming relaxes him until he's no longer aroused, and he returns to the room to catch Sousuke on the top bunk with his nose buried into a book. His back is against the wall while his legs remain splayed out before him, crossed at the ankles where they stretch out a little passed the frame.

"Are you pissed off at me?"

Sousuke's voice is quiet and contemplative while his eyes follow him, and Rin shakes his head before giving him an annoyed look.

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Look me in the eye, Rin."

Rin stops mid-step and does just that, staring up to meet Sousuke's gaze and feeling like everything he'd done in the shower to undo his frazzled nerves had been a complete waste. His face is growing hot at the edges, and Sousuke's eyes are biting straight into him as he shifts over his bed to stare at him more closely.

"What's the matter with you?" he asks patiently, and Rin entertains actually telling him for a second.

It's right there on the edge of his tongue, but it's getting twisted up in violent knots that match the ones in his chest and stomach. He hates that he feels sick and that he can tell his best friend about that time he messed up badly overseas but he can't talk about the kinds of thoughts he's been having lately. Maybe if they hadn't been about Sousuke himself, he would have a better chance of voicing them, but the more he imagines that this would push Sousuke away, the less he's able to find his voice.

He shakes his head after a while and mutters, "Nothing. Just tired that's all. Got exams coming up and prefecturals."

"I don't believe you."

Of course, he doesn't. Sousuke knows him best. Maybe Rin doesn't even have to bring up the whole gay thing because Sousuke probably knows all about that already, too. Wouldn't that be a relief? Maybe he also knows how much he watches him and why he watches him. Shouldn't he take it as a positive sign that he's not running away? He wishes he could be that assured about the situation, but Sousuke has yet to give him a single hint that he might even suspect it.

"Fine, don't, but I'm going to bed. We can talk about it in the morning."

Sousuke looks like he wants to protest, but he doesn't. He relents instead, withdrawing back to bed and stretching out on it with his arms behind his head. Rin follows suit on the bottom bunk and crams his ear buds in because it's the only way he can sleep lately. If he hears Sousuke's shifting and breathing over him, his mind won't leave him alone, and he'll keep imagining that those soft breaths are next to his ear and that Sousuke's hands are climbing down his chest, pulling him impossibly close to his own body.

The sound is jacked up on his iPod, and he disappears into the frantic beat that echoes through his head and through the motions of his dreams. He doesn't wait in the morning to talk about anything, instead waking up at the crack of dawn to run until his lungs threaten to burst.

VI.

One of the books told him something about how engaging in sexual relations before a match was likely to lower an athlete's performance while another said it would relax nerves and boost their performance levels. Who knew which one was right? Rin never placed much stock in either since it had been a non-issue before and he doesn't think the competition tomorrow is big enough to warrant this much tension, but the question is still there.

Would it be okay to relieve himself? Would it be okay to just let go and relax completely? If it's just one night and one competition, would their victory or failure really fall on him? He's so tightly wound up that he's starting to care less and less, and he can't sleep even with his mp3 player on. Sousuke's out like a light above him, and he hates that that guy seems so frustratingly calm about everything.

It's their first sort-of competition as a team even though it's mostly a practice one against some outlier school near Iwatobi, but his head still feels heavy, the thoughts spinning around because he doesn't want to fail even when he tells himself it's okay if they do. They can do better. There will be other chances, won't there?

No, it's his last year, his last chance to make it to Nationals, and it's so close within reach that he doesn't want to be the thing that fucks up everyone's chances. However, if he can't find it in himself to rest and sleep properly, then he won't do his best, and he's too consumed by the quiet breathing above to stop the heavy feeling in his chest where his heart surges upwards before dropping down again and again. That beat is cacophonous even when it makes no sound. He feels like he can hear it next to his ears, and he's hot all over and wishing he had the words to ask for something to cool him off -just a few seconds of touching.

If he could push his fingers through Sousuke's hair, if he could draw his lips down and taste them against his own, if he could feel his weight suddenly on top, crushing into him, hips meeting the sharp edges of his own while he sinks deeper into the mattress.

It's not even a choice at this point, fingers crawling up to his own mouth just to keep his own breathing quiet. He corks the noise by curling the edges of each digit around his lips, applying pressure to muffle himself while his other hand crawls beneath his waistband. The blankets are tightly pulled to his shoulders just in case, everything covered, and only the sense of touch guides him along his flat stomach.

When his fingers reach his cock, it feels like a rubber band being let loose and flung across the room after being stretched to its limit. Everything snaps into place, and he's touching across the skin, feeling over the soft texture and across the veins throbbing firmly beneath. He can only rub futilely, stretching his grip and smoothing across the length of his own flesh as he feels himself harden and harden, but he's so terrified that he doesn't grasp himself and start jerking like he wants to.

His own movements are too tentative and timid, gliding across his skin and unintentionally frustrating himself more as he trembles below his own touch and as he clamps his palm tighter around his lips. He wants to close his eyes, but instead, fear glues them open, making sure there is no shifting above and that Sousuke is still sound asleep. He does everything in his power to make sure the breathing from his nose is even, and he keeps half-heartedly stroking himself while the ache mounts until his head grows clouded.

Maybe it'd be easier to get caught. If he called Sousuke's name and if he came bounding down, would he finish him off? Would he press his hands down between his legs and grasp him tightly in his palm? Would he squeeze along the shaft and make his skin everywhere jump? Would he lean down over him, applying pressure with his entire body as he hisses his name into his ear?

He wants to hear him say it -rasp it across his ear, labored breathing following the syllable while he strokes him harder. Sousuke's hands would collect the entirety of his cock against his palm, pulling the skin slightly with the firm grip as he moves his hand up and down, and Rin would feel his own body respond, arching from the mattress, pushing deeper against him until he can fuck himself even harder into the grip.

The more the images play through his mind, the more Rin wants to groan into his hand, hips lurching upwards as the sensation builds at the base of his spine and wraps around his stomach until it pools into the center where his hands cup his own balls just before stroking downwards again and squeezing the tip slightly. He forces a few drops out that way, his legs twisting beneath the sheets as he buckles over, curling and moving onto his side. He stares at the wall this time, focused on the whiteness of it while imagining Sousuke against his back now.

His mouth would drop down the inside of his neck, the brush of his lips just above his pulse before his tongue would slither out and lave across the surface. When his breath would ghost over wet skin, he'd tremble even harder and push himself more insistently, wanting those long fingers to keep rubbing across his skin. He uses his thumb to push up against the slit, smearing the few drops around and circling around the head in a way that makes his teeth come down across his own fingers, piercing them as his body continues to curl in on itself.

His muscles are already contracting feverishly, feeling them all cinch inwards while his dick throbs, and he's on the edge of bursting, fighting off the noises and trying not to scream at the sheer terror of being caught when he'ssoclosesoclosealmostthereheneedsthisnow He finally tastes his own blood in his mouth when his body starts convulsing with little tremors, unable to help it as the rest of his release oozes right out of him and onto his hand and the cloth of his pants.

The disgust settles immediately after, but he can tell Sousuke is still asleep. The bed on top hasn't moved or creaked once nor has Sousuke's breathing changed. That's a relief of sorts, but Rin still feels like the worst person in the world for jerking himself off right below the person he was jerking himself off to. Never mind that it's still his best friend he was picturing.

He should have better control over himself and his emotions, but all he can feel is the residual disappointment that it's come to this. He can't escape whatever he's feeling, and it's consuming him just like the need to win and be the best had consumed him before. He wishes he didn't have this kind of personality tic where he needs to constantly immerse himself into everything whole-heartedly because it's making it difficult to pretend the guy up there isn't slowly making him go crazy.

At least, once it's over, it's over. His body feels too heavy to move or clean up, and he manages to wipe himself on his shirt before tossing it across the room and onto his desk. It's not the most sanitary of solutions, but it's the best for now. He'll just launder everything in the morning before they have to go.

VII.

The bus ride there is painful, feeling it hitch up on the rocky road, knocking him into the window repeatedly. Sousuke has him fenced in, sitting on his side with his fingers occasionally brushing over his knee. Rin had assumed with last night's release, he'd exorcised the beast to some extent, but his gut won't stop tightening and heat won't stop precariously spiking down his body. He breathes, and it sounds too loud to his ears. When Sousuke breathes next to him, it's calm and measured like everything about him, and he wants to touch those fingers with his own, to squeeze his hand and find a way to relax.

It'll get worse from here. The practice competition is close. It feels impending and overwhelming, and he doesn't know how to bottle everything up. He can't disguise it, and he hates that Sousuke can tell he's bothered by something but won't even ask because he knows he'll be shot down again.

Instead, he gets that furrowed brow aimed in his direction, and Sousuke's warm body pushing into his side, jostled heavily against it by each bump.

"Rin," he finally says softly and too close to his ear, and it looks like everyone else on the bus is asleep. Good.

"What is it?"

Sousuke's hand lands on his own, touching the back of it and clenching around it so tight that Rin stops breathing. His eyes widen, gaze darting to Sousuke who seems unfazed by his own actions. Instead, he looks as resolute as always while staring down at him.

"You're nervous."

"I'm not nervous," Rin shoots back, feeling affronted already, Sousuke's hand-holding aside. His gaze shoots towards the window, deciding he can't really handle Sousuke when he's leaning in like that and when his eyes are pressing into him more than his body weight. "I was just thinking about this being the last practice competition before prefecturals."

"It won't be our last competition together."

Those words make Rin want to find his confidence again. When did his footing slide this badly again? Really, it should have been completely firm and fearless by now, but last night's events play through his head and reminds him that the hand trapped under Sousuke's was the same he'd gripped his own cock with while trying hard not to say Sousuke's name.

That makes him immediately withdraw it before giving Sousuke a friendly shove.

"I know, I know. It's not just nervousness, you know. It's more excitement, too. I want it to be good for the entire team. I want them to really want to swim together as a team and to see everyone lay their hearts out on the line." I want them all to unleash their passion.

But he's not leading by example here, is he? He's been stifling himself like crazy lately, and he thinks that's what's setting off Sousuke's radar lately.

Sousuke only chuckles at his response while shaking his head a little. "You've developed a bad habit of making sentimental speeches lately, but how about you?"

He plays dumb. "What about me?"

"Where's your own competitive spirit? Or are you waiting to see Nanase at Prefecturals for it to flare up?"

Rin's stomach nearly drops out of his body, but he doesn't react otherwise. He wants to say he does't need Haru to instigate anything, but in truth, his feelings are delightfully uncomplicated with Haru. They come to him easily, and they make him forget everything else but his love for swimming. It's why he enjoys swimming against him the most. He's able to surrender his body to the water and throw all theory and logic out, only relying on pure strength and his passion for the sport.

But with Sousuke, it's the complete opposite. The oppressive feeling of having a shadow overtakes him, and he can't swim as freely as he wants to. All he can think is that it's Sousuke and that his body is thrumming because he knows he can't escape this guy. When he thinks of him, he's always floundering about despicably while trying to find some harmony with him.

Why can't they just fit together?

That's the question that made him seek out another relay team to begin with, and though they've tried to smooth things out now, it's not the same -mostly because his feelings for Sousuke leave him in a disarray, and Rin can't relax around him the way he wants to. They don't flow against one another, and he feels the guilt and failure stab at him.

He finally opens his mouth after too long of a pause.

"I think you're more fired up to go against him than I am, but you don't have to worry about me. I don't plan on losing."

Sousuke seems to accept those words this time because he grows quiet and contemplative again, and the bus finally stops with the school in view. Rin's happy to stretch out his legs and get some distance between him and Sousuke at last, but it doesn't stop him from watching the guy as he cracks his shoulder and picks up his bags to take them outside. There's something strangely elegant about the way he moves when he's doing normal things. He can make the simple actions resemble a panther on the prowl.

He follows him steadily, shoulders squared back while he calls the team to attention. He can put his thoughts aside for a bit longer. Right now, they have a competition to win.

VIII.

They win with only a few hiccups along the road -namely, Momo's swimsuit slipping off mid-turn and exposing too much. Far too much.

But they win, and Rin's ecstatic, hearing his teammate celebrate and feeling the weight of Sousuke's arm around his shoulder. It's heavy and brazen, but he doesn't shrug it off. He's far too elated to think of anything except that this is their first victory as a team -his team.

Practice or not, it was a step in the right direction, and Rin's glad he got them there somehow. Even in the relay, the event he'd been the most apprehensive about, they'd managed to pull it together to take a lead in the last two legs which were rightfully his and Sousuke's. He remembers standing poised there waiting for Sousuke to touch the wall and feeling his heart pound aggressively as he came closer and closer, eyes as unreadable as ever. He was definitely aiming for something that time.

Rin doesn't know if Sousuke found what he was looking for at that time or if it even meant anything, yet. By all accounts, it wasn't the most difficult of victories to claim but it's still meaningful to himself. He just hopes that by the time prefecturals come around, they'll prove to be more than just a decent challenge for everyone else. He wants to completely blow everyone out of the water, but they have a long climb before they get there.

For now, he lets the adrenaline sit in his veins, his body warmed by the excitement until he can't sleep that night. His mouth is sore from grinning all evening long while they shared victory barbecue, but he pays it no mind because it's the first time in weeks that he's felt his confidence come back in full swing and all his earlier tension with Sousuke feels like it had been squeezed out of him.

Their knuckles brushing as they exchanged a victorious fist bump hadn't brought any sharp sensations aside from pure happiness, though Sousuke had looked at the bite marks all over his hand and fingers curiously then. Rin half-expected him to comment on them, but he had probably been too swept up in the victory to ask. Now, that things are calm and quiet in the room, Rin remembers they're even there, his gaze tracing over the damage done, and he wonders at what point his body had reached such an explosive degree that he could unknowingly be this callous with himself. Not that these are severe wounds, but Rin had really lost himself for a few moments the night before.

Juxtaposed with this evening, it feels like it had been a world away, and he must have been possessed to go that far. In the end, it had been too much and too unnerving, but tonight, he can safely call himself Sousuke's friend. He knows he doesn't need anything else from him but his friendship, and he can live without anything else. As long as the moments -the beautiful victorious moments where they can look each squarely in the eye and think 'we did it'- remain forever the same.

In the still aftermath, he's clutching this reality in his hands and holding onto it tightly because he doesn't need anything else right now. He doesn't want to want anything else, and Sousuke is happy. The smile he wears so casually around the room is hard to look away from, and Rin just wants to feel the weight of his arm against him a second time.

It'd be weird to push into him again, though, or even to cross the room from where he's lying on the bed just to be next to him. He'd rather not break the tranquility, and thoughts of anything else but victory have no place here tonight. He's settled down for once and staring up at the mattress on top. Between two pieces of the metal frame above him there's a single picture of all of them together, grinning in anticipation from an earlier practice session, but his eyes land on the way Sousuke hadn't smiled back then, though his gaze was pointed forward, staring intently at the lens.

It was a stare that dug and dug, never stopping no matter how far it bores. Rin had been consumed by it numerous times, and even now, he wants to be engulfed by it, but why settle for a picture when the real thing is just a few feet away, absently reading by his desk? Whenever Sousuke catches him looking, he just keeps smiling back like he's swimming in the same untethered euphoria expanding between them. He doesn't speak at all nor does he turn any pages, but they don't need words right now.

When Sousuke finally puts the book down, Rin watches him climb up to the top bunk, and the weight of the mattress on top of him shifts all over the place until he settles into his spot. When it feels too still and too quiet, Rin finally finds words to fill up the silence-

"We did great today, Sousuke. You pulled through."

"You weren't bad yourself," Sousuke replies.

"Tomorrow, we're going to start an even more intense training regimen to prepare us for Prefecturals. You better be ready. I'm waking you up first thing when I get back from jogging."

He hears Sousuke chuckle gently, and the mattress does dip a little that time. "I could always go with you again, you know. I'm not against waking up that early."

"You only say that because you're not the one getting you out of bed. Do you know what a tough lump you are to get moving? I'm not going to try and carry you down the top bunk."

He never thought a seasoned athlete who competes at the national level would be impossible to wake up, though he suspects Sousuke just likes being difficult at times for the sake of being difficult. Either way, Rin doesn't need to experience that ordeal regularly, and he never has any qualms about leaving him behind if he's particularly stubborn.

"I'll put an alarm on my phone then. You don't have to worry about it."

"Fine, but if that thing goes off all morning while you sleep through it, then it's going in the trash."

"Deal." A moment later- "Good night, Rin."

"Good night, Sousuke."

IX.

Since he's on the bottom bunk, he's the one who turns off the lights in the room just before sinking into bed, though his mind doesn't let him sleep right away again. It's busy replaying earlier events, running them through his mind like an endless film strip that leaves him dazed and overwhelmed. He wants to relive it all -every single hug. Even single smile. every single fist bump. Every single thumbs up/hi-five/shoulder bump. He wants to feel the relief that comes from winning, and the way it leaves him unbound from every other thought.

This kind of freedom is something he'd been yearning for, though he knows it's short-lived. The next day brings new trials, and today really was just a small step in a long uphill journey. What awaits at the top is something he can't even predict, but a part of him is hoping he doesn't reach it for a long time because the journey is always more exciting than the destination, isn't it? Some guy quoted that, and he can't unstick it from his mind.

He lets those words echo along his thoughts, and just as he's about to sink to sleep, he hears the mattress move and the telltale signs of the body on top shifting off of it. The metal creaks as his steps move down as silently as possible, and Rin feigns sleep for a moment, pretending not to notice as Sousuke moves passed him and grabs a pair of slippers in his hands before heading out the door.

Curiously, Rin moves off the bed and follows him, pausing to grab some slippers for himself. He stays a few steps behind Sousuke's tall, imposing figure, watching it slip through the shadows. He catches bits of his profile in the moon's light cast between the blinds of windows along the hallway while Sousuke passes through, but his expression is unreadable.

Sousuke continues to walk through the hall and move around with some destination painted in his mind, and Rin doesn't know what it is until he stops next to the bathroom. Did he just have to go relieve himself? Rin's already starting to feel a little foolish he followed him out all this way for a stupid reason like that, and he's just about to turn around and leave when he hears the shower turn on. The sudden sharpness of the water hissing and cutting through the air alarms him, and he wonders why Sousuke would suddenly need to shower at this hour.

Then it dawns on him a little harshly than expected as the memories of the night before come rushing at him like being pelted by baseballs. One by one, they hit and land with bruising force, and he remembers how he grabbed himself and how he wanted to curl up and disappear even as he slid his hand across his own dick while thinking it was Sousuke's touching him there.

Now, it's Sousuke who might have done something strange or might be doing something strange at the moment. What does he know? Would it be right to assume that of his friend? He could just be hot from the temperature outside or feeling unwell. A number of possibilities go through his mind, but he keeps settling on the one out of some weird hope that maybe Sousuke's thinking of him, too.

No, that's a little far-fetched even for himself. It's not like it's any of his business really. He should leave him inside to do what he needs, though his legs feel heavy, and he dazedly walks into the shower room instead of away from it. He can hear his foot falls too loudly, and he wonders if Sousuke knows he is there.

He's trying to be discreet, and he's sure Sousuke would call him out on it if he knew he was there. Still, he can't exactly calm his thoughts when the steam is surrounding him. The victory's far form his mind this time, and all he thinks about is the possibility of Sousuke standing beneath a heavy stream of water, letting the drops hit him at their merciless pace while his fingers dip beneath his legs to touch himself. He wonders if he'd think about a girl while he's doing it, and if so, what kind? Hopefully, not his sister. Two suitors is two too many, and Rin doesn't want to have to kill his best friend. Who would help him hide the body after?

Come to think of it, Sousuke's never spoken to him about girls before, and he wonders if he missed some kind of fundamental exchange between guys. The other members of their team are always eager to paint vocal pictures about the kinds of girls they're into and what they'd do to them, and Momo never shuts up about the dozens of ways he's going to woo Gou. Even Ai has some explicit material that gives Rin nightmares (things he never wanted to know about the kid).

Sousuke's the only one whose desires remain a complete mystery to him, which feels… wrong. They're best friends, and maybe it's because he himself never pushed or asked. At the same time, if he pushes, Sousuke would push back most definitely. What would Rin say then? That he's been thinking about nothing but him since he got back? That he's having some kind of sexual identity criss because of him? That he can't figure out what he is because he hasn't been able to bring this up, and it's terrifying and confusing to him at times.

It's as though everything he'd thought he had exorcised out of himself earlier that evening comes flooding back in to drown him once more, and he's not bothering to move when the room fills with water all over. Instead, he stands in plain sight behind Sousuke and feels the frustration heading towards critical levels because of all the gaping holes that exist between his and Sousuke's relationship. He wants to be able to rely on him for anything and to be relied on back.

His thoughts grind to a halt when Sousuke turns around to face him, his clothes gone and his expression unreadable, and Rin thinks about bolting back to the room. Before he can even try, Sousuke's voice cuts through.

"You're awake."

Rin stares at him pointedly, and he notes that Sousuke's hair and face are far too wet. Something in his eyes looks off, too. He thinks it's the fact that he can barely see the color of his irises. His pupils suddenly look too large and black, and his own reflection is more prominent inside of them.

"I couldn't sleep," Rin finally answers.

"Neither could I."

The silence around them is stagnant and thick, the air so oppressive that it threatens to asphyxiate him. He can't exactly breathe all that much now anyway for fear of his exhalations sounding too loud. He doesn't know what Sousuke will do or say next while he stands there, staring down at him, and his heartbeat throws itself into his rib cage this time like it's trying to break through and leave his chest.

He almost wishes the moment would pass and they could both sleep and pretend nothing happened. He's willing Sousuke to move and not stare at him with an unreadable face while he struggles for something to say in the dead of the night. What is there to say even? His mind is drawing a blank, and he's sinking backwards, wanting to get out of his line of sight.

"I'm sorry I woke you," Sousuke finally murmurs, and it's soft and guilt-filled.

Rin doesn't even know what he did to make him feel that remorseful, but he catches Sousuke's arm under the shower spray. His grip is a little savage as he squeezes inwards, and he's still trying to force words out.

None ever come, but he feels the urgency rise to say or do something, well aware an important moment might pass that he didn't take.

It's always fear. It boils down to fear.

"What?" Sousuke asks, and it sounds impatient.

"Sousuke-"

Say something! Say anything!!

But Sousuke beats him to it, fingers suddenly closing around his hair, grabbing chunks full of it and just holding them in his grasp so he can force Rin to look at him.

Rin doesn't even move, his bones lodged and frozen in place while his eyes are bewildered. He hates this uncertainty, and he hates the stagnancy of inaction even more. He'd rather be screaming and waving his arms than this, but he does neither.

Instead, he waits and waits.

"Go to bed, Rin," Sousuke whispers, and his voice is practically a plea at the moment, sounding hoarse and a little desperate like he's restraining himself.

For some reason, Rin ignores the imperative and uses the grip on Sousuke's arm to push him back against the shower wall. By now, he's just as wet, feeling the water seep into his clothes and making the fabric hug his frame uncomfortably. It's still too hard to breathe inside, and he's trying to find Sousuke through the steam, though he can feel the heat from his body rolling off of him in waves and unconsciously drawing him closer like magnets must have been sewn somewhere beneath their skin.

As much as he wants to run, he doesn't, and in the end, it's Sousuke that unexpectedly snaps first, suddenly grabbing him by the hips to switch them around and shove him against the wall in some vain effort to shatter his bones across it. The pain is hardly registered, though, when Rin feels Sousuke's lips come down hard against his own, seizing his and chewing right through his like he wants to eat him, and Rin is drifting somewhere between shocked and dazed, trying to decide in a split second if he wants to push him away or tug him closer.

He doesn't need to decide because Sousuke's grip is defiant and determined anyway, hands pushing around his waist and into his lower back until Rin realizes that he's the one encouraging things by lifting his hips in an effort to press them close to Sousuke's. He's the one whose blunt fingernails are suddenly digging into Sousuke's back muscles while he practically climbs his body vertically to push the two of them closer together.

He then feels Sousuke's tongue trying to move inside his mouth with sudden urgency until they manage to pry his own lips apart and push right against his front teeth without any hesitation, and Rin resists the ostensible urge to clamp down on him, hoping his instincts will kick in and guide him at some point because he honestly has no idea what he's doing nor what he wants to do. He's reacting mostly to the Sousuke's intrusiveness, his body reduced to a series of synapses, responding as they are meant to and not through any conscious effort.

Though if his reflex is to push into him and to suck Sousuke's tongue between his teeth instead of pulling away, he wonders if that's not the answer he's been searching for this entire time. Something about this feels too natural for him and too undeniable to be just anything he can sweep away under the rug after. He likes it too much to want to stop, too, and urgency is pounding itself into all of his nerve endings, ignited by the way Sousuke's body remains firm and poised yet daunting when both hands smooth down Rin's back and slide right against his rear, following the curve of his muscles through his sweat pants before using his grip to suddenly hoist him even higher.

Rin's legs snap into place, turning vice-like as they lock around Sousuke's waist, and his first conscious act is to hug Sousuke around the neck and grab him roughly by the hair, tugging at the wet strands when Sousuke shifts his mouth to his ear to breathe heavily against it. All Rin can hear are his broken gasps and exhalations, the hot air stretching across his skin while Sousuke thrusts forward and presses into his pelvic bone, and Rin is suddenly too aware of how hard he is, the outline of his cock that digs and brushes against the damp fabric of his pants, searching for more friction and stimulation.

He wants it just as badly, scurrying up along his body, doing what he can to squeeze his legs and buck forward as he clenches his arms around Sousuke's neck and hears himself panting in response. He's only half aware when he chokes out Sousuke's name, and it feels like something intangible that was already fragile to begin with is starting to shatter completely because Sousuke responds by grinding against him harder and pushing his cock incessantly against him like he's addicted to the sensation.

Rin wants to ask if it hurts him or if he wants him to get undressed or if they should even move to a bed at some point, but he can't make words around his own labored breathing. All he feels is his throat closing up and aching hoarsely with each groan pulled free from him as he keeps rutting back against him, just as desperate to feel Sousuke's cock press against his own. The fabric is their only limitation, but even through it, he can feel too much heat spiking from the places their bodies touch, and it's bleeding into him even faster, seeping through while his mind falls deeper into the haze of their actions.

Sousuke's hands keep him steady, trapped between the wall and his body, and with every aching and sloppy thrust, Rin's moving just as hard and frantic, clinging to the manic energy spilling between them and wanting to figure out where the two of them stand when they push their dicks together like this and don't bother to talk because it's pointless. It's meaningless. They don't have to say anything. It's spelled out right between them, branded on their skin where Sousuke's hands rupture his blood vessels from sheer force and where his own nails claw at Sousuke's back, painting red lines between his shoulder blades.

The whole exchange barely lasts much longer than a few minutes, the both of them too wound up and too young to even bother with any other formalities or theatrics. All Rin has to go on is raw need at this point anyway, too enveloped by it to make sense of what's happening or to even want to try because this is Sousuke of all people. This is his best friend, and he's squeezing his legs and feeling his body burst from the center, split in half down the middle where Sousuke's body slices through him with searing heat, and he only has enough sense to start tugging on his hair when he feels his muscles start to contract everywhere at once, cinching inward in a way that makes him want to scream.

What comes out is a whispered rush of words-

"Sousuke, I'm-! Sousuke, I can't-! I need to-!"

He doesn't finish because his body arches off the wall at that point like it's breaking in half, and there's a strained noise that comes out of his throat like it's being ripped out of him forcefully as his head drops back and hits the tile. Black spots dance at the edge of his vision from the impact, but he pays it no mind, drowning in the release of endorphins as he comes inside of his drenched pants and underwear, and he can feel tiny shudders racking his body, his thighs twitching in an effort not to fall while he keeps his eyes cracked open enough to watch Sousuke.

Those eyes stab right through him in return, still too dark when his pupils are that far dilated, and Rin can tell they're following along the lines of his face, looking at him intently just as Rin is looking back. The intensity there burns him alive, and he files it all away in some unbidden part of his mind, mesmerized by how Sousuke looks when he's watching him come. He realizes then that he wants to see it again, and he must be selfish or out of his mind for that singular desire he's now clinging to.

Even more than that, he wants to see the way Sousuke looks when he abandons all control and becomes the same force of nature he is in the water. It reminds him of his primal yell of joy when he beat him that night as they raced butterfly against one another. The same pure elation is there, laced in his voice even though he says nothing at all. He can hear his groaning pick up briefly, a sound that makes his stomach clench painfully as Sousuke shudders against him, and his arms tighten around him in that moment like he's afraid Rin is going to disappear or end up some kind of mirage.

It hurts, but Rin lets him smother him until the shudders subside and until his own eyes have recorded every second of Sousuke at his most vulnerable. Then, it all vanishes in an instant, and what's left is Sousuke resting his forehead against Rin's shoulder while gently guiding him down.

The fingers that had threatened to tear him into shreds seconds ago are now turning the shower off and brushing along the back of his neck and the base of his spine, and Rin doesn't know who's being comforted more by this. His heart is certainly not calmed by the action, and he's still breathing too loudly to speak, but luckily, Sousuke breaks the silence first.

"Sorry, Rin, I-"

-But those aren't the words he wants to hear, and Rin glares before he can finish, pushing Sousuke back enough so he can see his face.

"You're not sorry. Don't lie to me if you're not sorry. You're not the kind of guy who would do something like that without having resolved to do it."

His own words are harsh and biting because he wants to find out the truth of what Sousuke is thinking now that his thoughts are all colliding at once.

Sousuke's eyes harden at those words, and his demeanor suddenly changes from gentle to defensive. Both hands shift to land on the wall next to Rin, and they fence him in, making Rin feel too claustrophobic in the already small stall. He's reminded that Sousuke could be imposing when he wants to be, and that even Rin feels like he can't bear the weight of his stare sometimes.

There's a humorless laugh that falls from his mouth, and he nods in agreement. "You're right but only because you wouldn't have resolved to do it yourself."

Those words ring too true because Rin had spent the last couple of weeks agonizing and mulling over this, and he thinks back to when and how it all might have started. Sousuke must have known even before he himself had, and that's the danger of having someone too close and who can read him that well. He can anticipate him and sense all the things about him without Rin ever having to vocalize them.

Even so, if he knew this whole while, why didn't he speak up or say anything? And just how much of him was he able to dissect? The questions keep piling in his mind, and he stares at the ground instead of at Sousuke's eyes, letting the confusion dominate him for a moment.

"Why are you always shutting me out, Rin? Haven't I proven already that I want to be one of those people you can rely on? "

Yes. Yes, you have.

He's more than proven it, but Rin doesn't know why he's had a persistent and nagging feeling since the night of their impromptu butterfly race. Maybe because he's the one who can't read Sousuke as well in return and who hasn't entirely figured out how he feels or where this is going. Maybe this ability to strip a person down to their barest elements only flows one way, and it frustrates Rin to know that there is a wall that exists between them still and that he can't cross over it because Sousuke won't let him. Or he won't let himself.

Who knows at this point, but Rin raises eyes to look more resolutely at Sousuke, hoping that he can meet Sousuke half-way. If Sousuke wants to understand him through swimming relay, then Rin wants to understand him by watching him in during that moment when his body is surrendering to something wild and base because it's the only time when he can catch him being vulnerable.

I want to know everything about you.

"I liked it," he finally says, and his hands cross over his chest as he straightens to his full height, still trying to match Sousuke's stare, "I didn't know if I would… if it would turn out that I enjoyed these things. With guys. I guess, I didn't know how to say it to you when you were the one… "

"-you thought about the other night in your bed," Sousuke finishes.

Rin's eyes widen at those words, feeling his head suddenly devolve into a mess of sirens and panic alarms because that's not what he was going to say. That's not what he was going to say at all. But Sousuke hardly looks fazed by the prospect, his eyes leveled like he'd just been waiting for the right time to announce he'd been more than awake and attentive the whole time.

"You-?!"

Sousuke shakes his head, looking amused again, and Rin actually feels like he can punch the guy right there for having the gall to look that smug when he's struggling to even explain himself here.

"I sleep right over you, and you're never as quiet as you think."

The color drains from his own face, and his heart doesn't seem to remember how to beat anymore. All he can think of is running again and running really far. Maybe moving from Japan and changing his name to something else. Did this guy really lie there quietly the whole time and not make a sound at all, waiting patiently for him to finish?!

"Why didn't you just wake up and tell me to stop or-! You could have said something! Don't just lie there and pretend to sleep!"

Sousuke shrugs and finally withdraws his hands from the wall to grab his pants, though Rin had forgotten at some point that he'd even been naked. It seemed like a minor detail compared to whatever is going inside his head at the moment.

"You seemed like you really needed it. It's none of my business if you want to take care of yourself, but it is if you want to use me to do it."

He still sounds so unaffected by the whole thing while Rin can't stop his own face from burning with shame because he does have a point. Rin had been thinking about him, and he also hadn't bothered going anywhere private to do it. The room belongs to Sousuke, and he's the one who's a pervert here as much as he doesn't want to admit it to himself.

"You're a real pain sometimes, and I'm not the only guilty one here. Why were you in the shower in the middle of the night?"

That question seems to hit hard because Sousuke's eyes slip down, and his whole body language goes from amused to guarded once more. Even so, he answers the question simply-

"It was a nightmare."

A simple explanation. He woke up from a bad dream, drenched in sweat, and went to wash himself off. Then Rin came inside after following him, and he was tackled.

Come to think of it, that doesn't really explain anything at all, and Rin gives him a frustrated look in response.

"-And? How did that build up to what happened a few moments ago? Or did you already forget about that part?"

Sousuke shakes his head and seems to be tossing something back and forth from one side of his brain to enter other. "I just needed to confirm something."

"Confirm what exactly?"

The silence slams down upon them again when Sousuke doesn't answer right away, but at least, his expression seems to soften a little. His fingers brush warmly over his cheek this time, the tips extending to curl around the bone of his jaw, and every thought Rin has goes to hell when Sousuke's mouth lands on his for the second time that night. It's far softer this time, the pressure barely registering, but the heat is there, traces of it pressed into his skin before Sousuke pulls back.

His hand rests on his cheek for a little longer before extending it back to brush into Rin's wet hair, and he wants to read what's between the lines so badly, but they're completely smudged at this point.

"Let me help you next time you're frustrated, Rin," Sousuke murmurs, fingers still curling around his hair and sinking further into it, "Just ask me. I don't mind doing it with you."

That doesn't really answer his question, but the gentle way Sousuke is speaking to him now does placate him anyway. He doesn't know how the guy can be so harsh one moment then treat him like he's made of glass the next. There's definitely something brewing in there, and he's wondering if he's going to be dangerously swept up if he agrees. Still, if he's ever going to find out what he wants to know, he's going to have to let the tide carry him for now even if he's worried he'll sink more than swim at this point.

"Fine, but the same goes for you. No more late night showers or brooding on your own. I want to hear what's going on with you, too."

He nudges his foot insistently against Sousuke's calf while finally letting his face break out into a grin. He may not have gotten to the bottom of things, but he's at least starting to understand this thing between them a little more. They're all just baby steps like that practice competition.

But he'll get where he wants to be one day. He's sure of it.

X.

The skies stretch across the horizon, grey storm clouds coming in from all the direction to collect in the center. Rin can hear the rain tapping angrily at his window, but he's more occupied with Sousuke's cola-stained breath at the moment. His own hand clutches the back of his shirt, fingers digging into the fabric as their tongues push insistently against one another, warring to pin the other to the roof of Sousuke's mouth.

Sousuke wins, of course, because it's his mouth, and he holds his tongue there until Rin protests and smacks his back roughly. He then makes a face because there is spit everywhere, and Sousuke is looking smug while lying over him. In this muggy weather, the weight of him is too hot and uncomfortable, and Rin grumbles while trying to get some freedom from where he's wedged underneath.

"Alright, alright. That's enough. You win, geez. Do you always have to make your point that way?"

Sousuke's laugh is a welcomed sound underneath the angry rain drops, and he shrugs as he rolls slightly off of him.

"You're the one who said I couldn't do it."

"Yeah, well, that wasn't an invitation."

Rin still plays at looking annoyed, but there's heat gathered at the pit of his stomach and he's trying hard not to smile. He still doesn't have a name for this sloppy thing between them nor a name for what he himself is at this point, but it doesn't feel like he needs either of those things. This is … comfortable.

It makes him happy, and it makes Sousuke happy.

So he doesn't want to stop anytime soon even if he can't escape that oppressive feeling at times. He can only mask it with lighter moments, waiting to see how far the ripples emanating from them will travel before they disappear entirely. Will the atmosphere around them ever calm again?

He can't say anything for certain, but he wants to chase his curiosity even further. He wants to know if this thing that's consuming him will wreck him or invigorate him, but now that he's reached this point, it's impossible to want to stop. He realizes he'd do anything to make Sousuke smile at him the way he is now.

His hands drop to his sides, and he lets Sousuke rest his head on his chest the rest of the afternoon while he absently brushes a hand through his hair. It's only then that he realizes how much tension sits between Sousuke's eyes usually. It's gone when he sleeps, and Rin wonders if that tension boils down to himself or something else completely.

He's waiting as patiently as he can for the day he'll find out.