Chapter Text
The sun is out, high and bright, on a nice and warm spring morning. Lexa squints, her eyes still too sensitive to the light after spending most of the night crying. She barely managed to get a couple of hours of sleep before her alarm woke her up.
She wishes she hadn’t forgotten her sunglasses, the image of the dark shades sitting on the table by the door in her dorm mocking her. She could use them right about now, in part to block the irritating sun, but mostly to avoid her friend’s judging look without restraint.
“It’s been three weeks,” Anya, her best friend, tells her as if she didn’t know this already. Lexa rolls her eyes in response.
(It’s actually been twenty-three days and fourteen hours, but she’s not going to correct her).
“You need to give this up,” Anya continues, motioning at Lexa’s entire being as they walk side by side in the direction of Anya’s car, which is currently parked a few yards away. “You need to go out, clear your head and move on.”
Lexa shakes her head, pulling her bag by its straps so it sits more firmly against her shoulder. “I’m good, thanks.”
“I know it sounded like a suggestion, but honestly, I’m making you,” Anya informs her. She’s always been extremely headstrong, but Lexa is no push over.
“You can’t make me, Anya,” Lexa says, rolling her eyes for what feels like the tenth time today. See? If she had her sunglasses no one would know that.
Anya sighs. “It’s like you’ve just met me. Of course I can make you. In fact, that’s what I’m going to do unless you willingly go out tonight. Come on,” she says, bumping her shoulder against Lexa’s. “It’ll be fun.”
A deeper sigh. “Anya. Look, I appreciate it, but I really don’t want to. I don’t feel like going out and partying and dancing and getting drunk. All I feel like is–“
“Lying on your bed, blasting depressing as fuck songs and crying your eyes out. Yes. I know. How do I know this, you may ask? Because that’s all you’ve been doing for the past three weeks, Lexa.” A beat. “Three weeks!”
Twenty-three days , Lexa repeats in her mind.
She opens her mouth to protest, but quickly shuts it. Anya isn’t wrong. That is all she’s been doing. And if she didn’t have to attend class that’s probably the only thing she would do.
The sound of Anya’s car unlocking brings her back to their conversation, and she’s ready to keep pushing back as they approach the yellow Mustang.
“What do you expect from me?” Lexa asks over the roof of the car before getting in. The interior is warm from sitting under the California sun all morning and Lexa waits until Anya turns the engine on to close the door, immediately rolling down the passenger side window.
Lexa turns to look out the window before adding, “I really thought she was gonna be it for me.” The thought makes her chest feel tight and she has to take a deep breath to ease the pain.
Anya sighs. It’s not an exasperated sigh though, Lexa realizes when she looks over to the driver’s seat. Her friend is looking at her with affection, something Lexa isn’t used to. “Look, you know I don’t believe in soulmates and all that stupid shit, but,” she takes a deep breath, as if getting through the next sentence is the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. “If Costia wasn’t it for you, then I’m sure there’s someone else out there who will be.”
Lexa stares ahead as she contemplates Anya’s words. She falls silent, consumed by her own thoughts. Rationally speaking she knows Anya is right. If Costia was the person she’s supposed to spend the rest of her life with then they would still be together… but what if Lexa drew them apart? What if she could have done things differently?
“I can’t do this anymore, Lex.”
The conversation replays in her head. She didn’t even get a face-to-face break up, just a phone call with a string of reasons why they couldn’t make it work anymore. Distance. Time. Things change. Lexa had thought nothing was impossible, not for them. They had endured so much together already, but apparently all of that meant nothing.
“I love you, okay? I love you, but I– I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t know how long she sat with her phone tightly pressed against her ear, the sound of the dead line repeatedly beating against it. All she remembers is Anya walking in hours later to find a tear-stricken Lexa looking at her phone, a picture of her and Costia staring back at her.
“So,” Anya’s voice brings Lexa back to the present. “We are going out.” It’s a statement. Resolute. “Because moping and feeling sorry for yourself clearly isn’t helping.”
“And going out will?” Lexa asks. She knows it won’t. Nothing will.
“Only one way to find out,” Anya replies, a sympathetic smile on her face.
“Ugh, stop being so nice to me,” Lexa says, feigning a shiver. “It’s creeping me out.”
“Oh, yeah. Don’t get used to it. I’m sick of it, too.”
::::
There are few people in this world who can make Lexa do something she doesn’t really want to. Unfortunately for her, Anya is one of them. So despite Lexa’s conviction that going out will do absolutely nothing to make her feel better, she finds herself walking through the doors of Polis a few hours later.
The loud music is jarring, the place overcrowded and it looks exactly like what you would expect from a bar that’s mostly frequented by college students. Lexa had heard of this place before, but had never been. It’s several miles out of their way, which she assumes is the exact reason why Anya picked it. She must have known any place closer to campus would evoque too many memories of Costia and their time together before she decided to transfer schools.
Lexa sighs. As suspected, being here isn’t enough to stop her brain from thinking about her girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend , her brain reminds her.
She’s still not used to it.
“Why did I agree to this again?” Lexa asks, resigned. She looks around, trying to find a secluded corner to spend the rest of the night in. Maybe that will be enough to get Anya off her back.
“Hm. Technically you didn’t,” Anya acknowledges, leaving it at that. They’re both well aware Lexa would’ve stayed home if Anya hadn’t insisted as much as she did. “Come on, let’s get you something to relax,” Anya says then, reaching for Lexa’s hand and dragging her further into the building, pushing past the dancefloor.
“I told you I don’t want to get drunk,” Lexa says as soon as she realizes she’s being pulled directly toward the bar.
“No one said anything about getting drunk. Just a drink or two.”
A large crowd is gathered around the bar, nudging each other while trying to get the bartender’s attention. Anya pushes her way through, making sure Lexa is closely behind until they reach the front of the line. From there, Lexa sees only one guy behind the bar and wonders how he’s managing all the orders by himself on a busy night like tonight.
“Hey,” Anya calls out to the bartender who is currently taking someone else’s order a couple of places down. “One pale ale and a stout.”
Either the bar is too loud and the bartender didn’t hear her or he is flat out ignoring her. Either way, Lexa can see this is irritating Anya if the way her shoulders tense is anything to go by.
“Hey,” she repeats, this time slapping the bar top a couple of times. “Right here!”
The bartender walks right past them toward the other end of the bar and Anya sighs, rolling her eyes. Her patience is starting to run out.
“Yo!” she yells, but is completely ignored. Again. “I swear to God I’m gonna–“
“Watch,” someone says from beside them. Lexa turns to her left and sees a brunette of about her same height smiling at them before she turns around. The bartender walks past them once again, but stops right in front of her. “Hey, can I get a rum and coke and–” she turns to them, eyebrows raised.
“A pale ale and a stout,” Anya tells her, and Lexa can’t help but laugh at the scowl on her face.
“Coming right up,” the bartender says, turning around to grab their drinks.
“How did you–”
The girl smiles. “Very old trick, you see. All you have to do is…” she trails off, leaning closer to them and looking around, as if conspiring.
Both Lexa and Anya look at her, unconsciously leaning forward as well, as if discovering how to order drinks at an overcrowded bar is like learning where the treasure chest containing all the riches in the world has been hiding this whole time.
Instead of revealing some long-lost answer, the girl throws her head back and laughs. Then, she says, “Just kidding. He’s a friend, his name is Monty and we go to school together.”
Lexa laughs, but Anya just rolls her eyes. “Very clever.”
“Yeah. Works like a charm, every time,” she extends her right hand. “I’m Raven, by the way.”
“Lexa,” she says, taking her hand and shaking it firmly.
In true Anya fashion, all her friend does is look at Raven and nod her head. “Anya.”
“Ladies, your drinks,” Monty interrupts, placing three glasses in front of them before making his way toward his next customer.
Lexa grabs the lightest of the two beers and nods in Raven’s direction. “Thanks for the help.”
“Not that we needed it,” Anya mutters and Raven just chuckles. Lexa stands there, observing the power dynamic unfolding in front of her. She rarely gets to meet someone who can match Anya, but whenever she does she is always happy to sit back and enjoy the show.
“Right. Well, if you guys also don’t need help finding a place to sit, we found a pretty big table and you’re more than welcome to join us,” she says as she turns around, walking away from the bar.
Lexa and Anya share a look before shrugging and following Raven toward the back corner until they reach a round table. Once they are close enough Lexa notices there’s another girl already sitting on the booth that curves around it.
“I’m back!” Raven exclaims. “Also, I brought new friends,” she adds, pointing at Lexa and Anya.
She wasn’t expecting to socialize tonight, assumed she would just sulk in a corner while Anya gave her shit for not being over her four-year relationship already, but maybe this won’t be too bad. Maybe talking to other people and getting out of her head is exactly what she needs.
“Of course you did. Am I not enough for you, Rae?” the girl by the table says, tongue-in-cheek.
Raven laughs as she slides into the booth, placing her drink right in front of her. “Of course you are, Princess. You are all I’ll ever need,” she says. Raven rests an arm around her shoulders, bringing her closer to kiss the top of her head.
“Well, come join us,” the other girl says, flashing them a smile and Lexa finds herself rooted to the spot. Her smile is bright, her eyes are shining and they are blue like the sky, blonde hair loose just slightly below her shoulders and she’s just– Lexa gulps. She’s pretty.
Very pretty.
“Come on,” Anya whispers, an elbow colliding with her ribs. “Stop being gay and sit down.”
“I– what–” she tries to protest, but there’s no point. Anya just chuckles before giving her a little push toward the table. Lexa sits down and slides closer to the middle so Anya can sit down next to her.
“I’m Clarke,” the blonde says, waving at them.
“Anya,” she waves back. “And this is my friend, Lexa.”
Lexa thinks she hears Anya put special emphasis on the word friend, but thinks nothing of it. Instead, she brings her glass of beer up to her lips for the first time, taking a small sip of the beer Anya had ordered for her. It’s fruity, a bit sweeter than what she’s used to, but it’s still good.
“Nice to meet you, Anya. Lexa,” Clarke’s eyes twinkle and Lexa looks away quickly, afraid she will get caught staring into them for too long.
“You guys come here a lot?” Raven asks from beside Clarke, leaning close to her so she can be heard. There’s a certain familiarity to their interaction, like they’ve known each other for a long time, and it makes Lexa wonder if they’re together.
Lexa ignores the sense of disappointment she feels at the thought.
Lexa shrugs as Anya replies. “From time to time, but not too often. This one here isn’t much into this kind of thing.”
It’s true. Lexa has gone to her fair share of bars ever since she started college with both Costia and Anya, but it’s not really her preference. When asked she will most likely always pick staying home instead.
“What’s the occasion then?” Clarke asks, and it’s such an innocent question, but it’s just another reminder of everything she’s been trying to avoid thinking about tonight.
Nothing seems to be good enough to stop her mind from going back to Costia and their failed relationship. Not going out, not having something to drink, apparently not even meeting new people.
“Nothing,” Lexa replies and she knows it comes out rude by the way Clarke seems taken aback, but she can’t bring herself to apologize. This is exactly why she wanted to stay home. If her brain won’t shut Costia out, she would much rather be in the confines of her own bedroom where she can just wallow in self-pity.
“She recently got broken up with,” Anya explains and Lexa shoots her a look. “Her girlfriend of four years just ended things a couple of weeks ago.”
Lexa elbows her friend and glares. She can’t believe Anya just told her story to complete strangers. It’s none of their business and she honestly doesn’t want to get into it.
“Man, that sucks.”
“Four years, huh? Ouch.”
Yeah. Ouch sounds about right.
Lexa doesn’t reply, because what is she supposed to say? That it will be okay? That it doesn’t matter? None of that is true, so she just sits there and stares at her glass of beer, which is now halfway gone. So much for going out to have fun tonight.
She contemplates drinking the rest of it in one gulp.
“Well, at least we have each other, right?” Raven says, trying to lighten up the mood. “To being single!” she adds, raising her glass, followed by Clarke and Anya. Lexa reluctantly raises her glass too.
“To being single!”
::::
They sit around the table sharing random stories for the next twenty or so minutes. They mostly consist of Raven’s mishaps and how she has managed to almost blow up her college’s chemistry lab on more than one occasion. They sit there, laughing at her detailed descriptions and the further the beer in her glass disappears, the more Lexa finds herself enjoying the company of the other two women.
She brings the glass to her lips once more only to realize it’s pretty much gone. She looks around the table, noticing everyone has all but finished their own drinks as well. Raven seems to follow Lexa’s train of thought, because it only takes her an extra second to offer to go grab another round for all of them.
Next thing she knows Anya is offering to help her and Lexa raises her eyebrows at her. Anya, ever the cryptic, only responds with a pointed look, nods her head toward the girl sitting next to her and then turns around to follow Raven in the direction of the bar.
“They seem to be getting along,” Clarke says from beside her. Lexa turns her head in her direction, forgetting she hasn’t really moved since they were all sitting at the table, so she is way closer than she needs to be. She scoots back an inch or two.
“Yeah. It’s weird,” Lexa finally replies, the space between them allowing her brain to function as it should. She doesn’t know if it’s the one glass of beer she’s had finally kicking in or what, but suddenly she is very aware of Clarke’s proximity.
“Weird how?” Clarke’s inquisitive look is captivating.
“It just– it doesn’t happen very often, is all.” Even though Anya knows a lot of people she rarely gets along with anyone the way she does with Lexa. Or the way humans do with other people in general.
“So, how do you two know each other?” Clarke asks and Lexa smiles a little.
“We met years ago. She lived a couple of houses down the block and we used to play together. She’s a few years older than me, but we’ve managed to stay friends,” she says. Say whatever you want about Anya, she can be a cold-hearted bitch sometimes, but no one has ever cared more about Lexa than Anya. Except for Costia– Well. She supposes that’s not really true anymore
“How about you?” Lexa asks before her thoughts can go down that rabbit hole again. She has finally managed to push them out of her head long enough to start enjoying herself. “How did you and Raven meet?”
“Long story short, we met through Monty. My parent’s knew his parents, so I had seen him a couple of times. We saw each other again after I started college and we began spending time together. Raven and him are in the same classes and we all kind of started hanging out together.”
“You guys seem pretty close,” Lexa mentions, trying to sound casual. She’s not trying to pry, but she can’t ignore the pet names and how comfortable they seem around each other.
Clarke laughs. “Yeah, that’s Raven for you. The first time we met she probably hit on me like, ten different times.”
Lexa’s pulse rushes. Does that mean– “So you…” she trails off. She doesn’t know how to ask. It’s none of her business, really.
“No,” Clarke answers right away, apparently knowing what Lexa meant to ask. “Not that I didn’t think about it.” Well. That answers that question. “It just didn’t happen and then we became friends, so,” she shrugs. “Her loss,” she adds with a laugh and Lexa’s heart feels like it’s about to jump out of her chest. She doesn’t know what it is about Clarke’s laugh, but it makes Lexa’s world spin around.
She blinks a couple of times because this, whatever this thing she is feeling is, is new and weird and, honestly? She had never felt this way. Not about someone she had just met. With Costia –she can’t help but compare it to her– it had been gradual and slow. Weeks and months of just hanging out and slowly realizing her heart beat a little faster when Costia’s name appeared on her phone’s screen. It was never like this, so sudden, so intense.
This is ridiculous. She just broke up with her girlfriend of four years. Whatever her body’s reaction to Clarke is, it’s just because she is someone different and she is listening like she cares and is smiling at Lexa like she understands and… and…
“So, what are you going to school for?” Lexa asks, a desperate attempt to get away from her thoughts and try to find the flaws she’s sure the blonde is hiding somewhere behind those beautiful eyes and bright smile.
“Going to be a doctor someday.”
Ah, fuck. Wanting to help people is definitely a flaw, right? Right?
“You?” Clarke asks, scooting closer ever so slightly. Clarke has turned her body to fully look at Lexa, one leg resting on the booth and the only thing separating them. Her eyes travel down Clarke’s face, following her neck and landing on the very low-cut shirt Clarke is wearing.
It’s not the first time Lexa has noticed the way Clarke’s outfit hugs her figure in all the right places, but it’s the first time she allows herself to openly appreciate it.
“Lawyer,” Lexa croaks, snapping her eyes back up only to find Clarke contemplating her, a slight tilt to her head.
“Nice,” Clarke offers. Bites her lip. “Going to put some bad guys behind bars one day?”
“I’ll try my hardest,” Lexa replies and are they flirting? She hasn’t done this in so long, she doesn’t even know anymore. But if they are, she must admit she doesn’t mind.
“Would you…” Clarke looks down at her glass, still empty thanks to Raven and Anya who have apparently decided not to return to the table. She looks up at Lexa again, almost as if she has found the courage she needed to ask whatever comes next. “Would you like to dance?”
Clarke is smiling, her eyes beaming and Lexa’s heart is beating impossibly fast, but how could she say yes, she– “I’m a horrible dancer,” she answers. It’s a lame excuse, but it’s true.
“It’s okay,” Clarke says, leaning closer. “So am I,” she whispers into her ear and let’s face it, Lexa never stood a chance to say no.
::::
She lied.
She fucking lied.
“You lied,” Lexa states after an audible gulp. Her cheeks are flushed red and she thanks the powers above that Clarke is currently facing the opposite way, although that brings her back to the reason why she is blushing.
“About what?” Clarke asks over her shoulder, loud enough for Lexa to hear her over the music. She moves against Lexa, her back rubbing against Lexa’s front.
This girl is going to be the death of her.
“You definitely know how to dance,” Lexa states the obvious, just as loud, even though she knows the explanation is unnecessary. Lexa could hear the smile in her voice.
They have been dancing for the past ten minutes and it didn’t take long for Clarke to feel comfortable enough to start moving closer and closer to Lexa. And there’s no amount of drinks that can make Lexa relax when Clarke’s grinding against her like that.
As if on their own accord, Lexa’s hands find Clarke’s waist. She isn’t sure if it’s the few ounces of alcohol in her bloodstream or just her body responding to how good it feels, but she tightens her grip on Clarke and pulls her closer.
“You don’t seem to mind,” Clarke’s smirking and being cocky and Lexa doesn’t know what to do with this overwhelming need to kiss her. Instead, she blushes, because apparently that’s all she knows how to do now. “You’re not a bad dancer yourself,” Clarke adds and now she’s turning in Lexa’s arms, placing her hands around her neck as she keeps moving to the beat.
Clarke is an inch or two shorter than Lexa and seems to fit perfectly against her. The need to feel her pressed up against her body wins over any shyness Lexa may feel at the moment, so she slides her arms around Clarke’s waist and brings her impossibly closer. She hears a small gasp escape Clarke’s lips at the movement and she can’t hide the smile forming on her own lips, a sudden jolt of confidence igniting her body.
“I guess if the motivation is right…” Lexa whispers into her ear, breathing in a mix of vanilla and coconut.
Clarke pulls back slightly, her eyes darker than mere seconds ago, searching Lexa’s. “Is that right?” Her voice is huskier, too. “What else can I motivate you to do?” Her gaze shifts to Lexa’s lips and fuck if she doesn’t imagine Clarke licking her lips as well.
“Jesus, Clarke…” Lexa can barely function right now. “Absolutely–“
The word ‘anything’ dies on her mouth when they are suddenly interrupted by Raven, who grabs Clarke’s arm and pulls her away from Lexa.
“Clarke!” she is definitely more tipsy than she was the last time she saw her. “Clarke! We gotta dance.” Clarke and Lexa may not have gotten their next round of drinks, but Raven for sure did.
“Raven, I’m kinda in the middle of–“
“No, no,” Raven cuts her off, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You know the rules. It’s our song. We always dance to our song.”
Clarke seems to consider Raven’s words for a second before shooting Lexa an apologetic smile. “Sorry, kind of an old tradition… Do you mind?” Raven is already holding onto Clarke’s hands, ready to start dancing.
Lexa shakes her head, trying to mask her disappointment at being interrupted. “No, of course not. Go ahead,” she says and smiles despite the need to just scream because there’s a fire burning between her legs and she does not know what to do with herself now.
She stands there for a few seconds, balancing on the balls of her feet before deciding to go to the bathroom for a much needed cool down. Clarke’s too busy to notice, so she turns around without another word and heads toward the back of the bar where she remembers seeing the ‘Restrooms’ sign.
That’s where Clarke finds her five minutes later while she’s drying her face with a paper towel.
“There you are,” Clarke says as she approaches her, an almost predatory smile on her face. It makes Lexa’s knees go weak.
“Hey. You were looking for me?” She hates how lame she sounds, all confidence thrown out the window the minute she splashed her face with some cold water.
Clarke nods. “Anya said she saw you heading this way. Sorry about Raven, we have this thing,” she chuckles, her shoulder moving up and down in a dismissive shrug. “It’s stupid, but we always dance to that song. If she wasn’t so drunk she probably wouldn’t have interrupted us, but.”
“It’s fine,” Lexa offers with a smile. “I get it.”
“Kinda wish she hadn’t, though,” Clarke says softly. The same look from before is back and it makes Lexa’s blood head south.
So much for a cool down.
“O-oh, yeah?” Lexa involuntarily takes a step back as Clarke takes a step forward. She hadn’t noticed how close she was to the sink until her back hits it, her hands immediately resting on it for support.
“Yeah, I believe you were about to tell me other things I can motivate you to do,” her eyes travel to Lexa’s lips, her body mere inches away and Lexa can’t do anything but one thing.
She leans in to kiss her, one of her hands tangling in blonde locks as she pulls Clarke’s head toward her own. Their lips lock and she’s not sure who releases a moan, but she doesn’t care. All she cares about is the feeling of soft lips against her own and it’s not long before she feels a tongue asking for permission. She grants it because there’s nothing she wants more than to kiss, properly kiss, Clarke.
Clarke’s hands find purchase on her shirt, bringing Lexa to her as she starts taking steps back until they are inside a small bathroom stall. Lexa doesn’t know how they manage to fit in it, but they do and Clarke closes the door before pushing Lexa against it.
Her back meets it with a loud thud, and she groans.
“Sorry,” Clarke mumbles between kisses. She doesn’t sound sorry at all.
The kiss only intensifies from there. It’s desperate, like they can’t get enough of each other. Both of them are breathing heavy, chests heaving, wandering hands exploring untapped territory. Clarke’s fingertips graze her skin, right under her shirt and a shiver courses through Lexa’s entire body.
Nothing has ever felt like this.
Not even–
She doesn’t finish that thought. Instead, she focuses on Clarke’s exploring hands that have now inched further up. Her taut stomach clenches under Clarke’s touch, her hands both cold and hot against her skin. Clarke moves her lips to place open mouth kisses against her jaw. Then she starts nipping, licking.
Lexa looks up at the ceiling, giving Clarke more room to explore and she knows it was a good decision the minute she feels Clarke biting her neck. She moans, loud and desperate, not caring that she’s in a public restroom right now. All she cares about is the way Clarke’s lips, hands, body feel against her.
“Clarke… please…” the words sound foreign, her voice barely recognizable, dripping with desire and need.
“Fuck, Lexa,” Clarke murmurs against her neck. She slides her lips closer to her collarbone, digging her teeth along the way. Lexa’s hands have begun their own exploration, moving down to grip the other girl’s ass. Clarke lets out a small gasp, burying her face in Lexa’s neck. “I love the way you smell,” Clarke says as she inhales and it stops Lexa on her tracks.
A memory from last December invades her mind, the image of Costia and her walking hand in hand all Lexa can see. They were trying to find a gift for Costia’s mom, had entered a perfume shop and even though they hadn’t found what they were looking for, they had left the store with a small bag, carrying a cologne Costia had sworn smelled incredible on Lexa.
She had used it every day since.
Lexa snaps back to reality, the realization of what she’s doing, of what she was about to do hitting her like a bucket full of ice. She’s about to do it in a bathroom stall, with a girl she’s known for no more than a couple of hours, mere weeks after being broken up with. Her brain completely shuts down.
“What’s wrong?” Clarke asks, stopping what she’s doing altogether and taking a step back. She’s looking at her with a frown. “Did I do something wrong?”
Lexa swallows hard and shakes her head. “No, I–“ she’s embarrassed. Doesn’t know how to explain that this is not who she is. That no matter how badly she wants it, she can’t. She just can’t. “I’m sorry.“
Somehow she’s able to maneuver around the bathroom stall and manages to open the door. She hears a faint “Lexa?” coming from Clarke just as she’s about to exit the bathroom, but she can’t bring herself to turn around, afraid of the look she’s going to find on Clarke’s face.
The rest of the night is a haze. She remembers walking by Anya, who immediately notices something is wrong. She remembers exiting the bar, Anya trailing right behind. She remembers Anya hailing a cab (she was in no condition to drive) and going home in complete silence. She remembers never wanting to speak of it again.
And Anya knew better than to push.