Chapter Text
"Because there is no us. "
The message shines in bold black writing, screen sending light into his tired eyes and making them struggle to stay open. Sander reads the text from Robbe repeatedly, unable to chase away the thought that he has ruined everything he had been building for the past two months. Images of Robbe flashes through his mind: the moonlight reflecting on his beautiful face, his soft plump lips against his damp forehead, his fingers intertwining with his, the warmth of his skin, the delicateness of his hands against his body. Sander could not believe that all he had ever dreamt of was now only a sour memory that would remain in the past. Robbe did not want him anymore. What had happened at the hotel had been to much for him to handle. He scared Robbe away, just like he had always dreaded. Sander's shattered breaths, his wedding suggestions and his little naked adventure to get some burgers had been too much. Robbe did not want to be around mentally ill people and Sander could not be loved.
As thoughts keep going on and on in Sander's busy mind, he curls onto himself, pulling his legs towards his chest and holding them tightly. He shuts his eyes to block away the tears, feeling his own heart being stabbed.
Maybe if he had died that night, he could have been happy for infinity.
Right as he feels himself drifting away, he hears the slight noise of the door of his hospital room creek open. He prays that Britt is not standing by his side, because he can't handle it right now. He can't handle the idea of standing up for himself. He lets out a heavy breath of relief as he recognizes the footsteps of his mom.
Sander's mom is a brave woman. She is kind and very caring, but ever since he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder three years ago, things had changed. The conversations filled with laughter that they used to have, were now always tinted with concern. She had become overprotective. Sander could not blame her, because he did pull scary things a few times, but he missed the friendship they shared. Sander now felt more like a burden and that's exactly why he was trying to keep his diagnosis from Robbe. He did not want Robbe to let his mental illness define him. Sander was not his disorder, he was so much more than that. He was an art loving, music loving, David Bowie obsessed young man, with dreams that filled his mind and crazy amounts of love to give. Those are the only things he wanted Robbe to see.
"I brought you some food baby. I know you have a hard time eating what they give you."
He hears the soft voice of his mom ring into his ears as she wiggles out of her rain jacket. She sits on the chair right by Sander's bed, letting the fresh bag of food rest on the nightstand by Sander's bed. She gently runs a hand through her son's bleach blond hair, knowing it had always done wonders to soothe him down.
"I spoke to Britt. She says she'll come by later to keep you company. You're lucky you have a girl like her around." His mom whispers, not realizing the heaviness of her words.
Sander feels his entire body shiver and can sense his breath stopping. The last person he wants to see right now is Britt. The girl who had always seen him as inferior. The girl who had always defined him as his illness. The girl who had always spoke to him as he was this broken art piece she needed to fix. Sander does not realize the whimpers that escape his lips before his mom mentions hearing them.
"Oh Sander. It's alright to feel low baby, you know your mood will end up perking up now that they balanced your dosage of medication. Maybe I could get back home and grab your laptop. You could watch a movie with Bri…"
Sander panics. He needs to say something. He knows he will not be able to survive one second more with the presence of his intoxication ex-girlfriend.
"Mama…Stop." Sander breaths out faintly, surprised that the words came out as he had hoped. He searches for her hand and gives it a light squeeze, eyes finally focusing on her own. "Britt and I…We…I…We're not together anymore. She keeps insisting that we are and that I must be manic, that I will realize just how much I love her once I get my senses back. She got in my brain mama. I even wondered myself if she was right, but she is not. I know she is not. I tried going back to her and I tried kissing her." Sander speaks out painfully, placing his mom's hand against his heart. "I might have been manic yeah, but I know what I feel right here."
His mom listens closely to every single one of his words. She doesn’t stop him from expressing his feelings. She simply keeps her hand against her son's chest, tearful smile as she feels his heartbeat increase, reminding her that she has not lost her baby, no matter how scared she had been two nights before hand.
"Please don't make me see her again. Please mama, please." Sander begs, feeling completely stuck in his own torments.
His mother brushes a tear away from Sander's cheek with the tip of her thumb, giving him a small nod. She knows from her son's focused eyes that he is no longer manic, and she knows that she can trust his feelings. In the end, Sander has the biggest heart she had ever seen.
"It's about this boy I saw the other night, right? That boy for who you booked a hotel with my credit card?"
Sander nods in defeat, covering his tearful face with both his hands. His heart was aching so badly he had not idea how he could ever feel redeemed. He was starting to believe things would simply never get better for him.
Maybe loneliness was his happy ending.
One thing was for sure, it was always better than having to be by Britt's side for the rest of his life.
"Is that boy special for you? Does he make your stomach hurt?" His mother asks as she points her own abdomen, looking at her son with a sad smile.
"It's like a good pain though. A pain that makes the knots in my gut untangle. A pain that makes me want to be alive in infinite universes. But it's over now…I scared him away. He does not want to be with me anymore." Sander groans, chin quivering as he once again tries to keep himself from crying.
Slowly, his mother connects the dots. The young boy with whom her son was minutes before was the kid standing on the sidewalk looking terrified and shouting Sander's name last Friday. It was the same boy who Britt had excused herself from the medics to go see. The same boy who had tears in his eyes as he stared at her with terror and empathy in his spheres. The boy who Britt had walked up to with a rage so lively, it could of have destroyed anyone passing by.
"Sleep darling. It will make things better, I promise." His mom gently reassures him as she presses a light kiss against his sweaty forehead, exactly like Robbe would do for him.
Sander shrugs, keeping his knee's locked against his chest as his mom slowly pulls the thin stack of blankets against her son's shivering body. She waits for his breathing to have calmed down, making sure he is fast asleep. Sander's thoughts keep rolling on repeat in his mind, but he is unconscious enough to allow his mom to grab his phone without noticing. She does not have to go through the messages long before she notices the name Robbe with a heart emoji next to it in his contact list. She presses one last kiss to the top of Sander's scalp before dialing the number and stepping out of the room, waiting for an answer.