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Chan was sweetly looking at him. Gentle smile spread on his face, his eyes disappeared in two crescent moons as he was laughing. Jisung was laughing too. The sound of their laughs combined were echoing in their bedroom, it being the only sound in their shared apartment. Chan continued to tickle Jisung who was dying from laughter, unable to do anything to resist his boyfriend. He whined between two laughs but his hyung didn’t give up, still running his fingers on his body. Then, his laugh turned into a smile, and his smile turned into a kiss. Chan softly kissed Jisung’s forehead, Jisung’s cheek, Jisung’s nose. The younger’s laugh died down too when the fingers running on his skin weren’t tickling him anymore but fondling him.
Chan let his fingers wander under his boyfriend’s shirt as he covered his neck with kisses. Each one of them felt like soft sunbeams glowing on his skin, all softer than the others. Jisung couldn’t help but smile, wrapping his arms around his hyung’s waist. Then, Chan’s lips went closer to his ear, kissing it, which made Jisung quickly turn red. He smiled.
“I love you Sungie,” he whispered in his ear.
Jisung felt shivers running through his whole body. His smile widened and he closed his eyes. He felt so comfortable, right now. Like a baby in his mother’s arms, he felt completely at ease. Chan was like the sun for him: full of warmth and reassurance.
“I love you too,” he said, before falling asleep.
“Han Jisung!”
Startled, Jisung woke up. He blinked several times before raising his gaze on the person in front of him. He gulped down.
“Aren’t you going to get the fuck up and get your ass to work? I really can’t believe I have to call you to wake up! Are you still a child? For fuck’s sake Jisung, I-”
“Chan hyung, it’s fine so calm down…” Seungmin tried to reassure him.
Chan still looked as angry as before but at least now he shut his mouth. Jisung breathed out, annoyed. He got up, starting to stretch out before learning the choreography again. He couldn’t believe he was making the same dream every time he fell asleep. Why was he always dreaming that Chan was his boyfriend when in reality, he was the leader of his group? Jisung didn’t know why and it bothered him, because in real life, Chan didn’t like him.
It was the complete contrary. Chan disliked him. Despised him. He said that he took him in his team only because he had a good voice but now, he was regretting it because his voice wasn’t even good anyway. Jisung was hurt by his words but it wasn’t like he could do anything against it. Chan was JYP’s favorite trainee. He was the leader of their group, the only one to hold power on the others. If he decided to kick Jisung out, then Jisung would be kicked out. And that couldn’t happen, because Jisung wanted to debut. No matter if it was with people he liked or not, he needed to debut. So it wasn’t because his group’s leader was a jerk that he’ll give up on his dreams.
“Hey, you ok?”
Jeongin went to him with a worried glance. He was the youngest in their team, still had braces on. Maybe he was the only one Jisung liked. All the others were teamed up with Chan, especially Hyunjin. Oh how much Jisung disliked Hyunjin too. He was such a jerk, always looking for trouble. But when Chan would get angry, Hyunjin said that it wasn’t his fault. And of course Chan would believe him rather than Jisung, because Bang Chan liked Hwang Hyunjin but hated Han Jisung. Each time Jisung and Hyunjin went too far in their fight, he was the only one lectured, not Hyunjin. And each time he’d see Hyunjin mocking him in the background with stupid gestures when Chan was standing in front of him, throwing harsh words on him.
“Your parents should be ashamed you even exist”, “What did you even do in your life to look like this? It’s so sad to have a face like yours”, “I’d almost pity you because you look so pitiful but in hindsight, you don’t even deserve my pity”... These words never stopped and Jisung would cry alone in a dark room when practice would be over. But he’d bear with it. He’d bear with it because he had a dream to realize. That was his only goal in life. The only thing that was keeping him alive.
“Yeah it’s fine,” Jisung comforted Jeongin who still looked worried. “Don’t worry.”
“Okay then-”
“Jeongin why are you talking to him ? Go to work!” Chan yelled from the other side of the room.
“Yes sorry Hyung!”
“And you Jisung don’t bother Jeongin! He’s busy and will actually get better if he practices, unlike you.”
Jisung gave him a dirty look before facing the mirror and putting his earphones on, playing music. Forget, forget, forget. He had to forget what Chan had just said to him. He needed to concentrate.
Letting music flow in his body, he started to dance without letting one single thought passing through his brain.
“Baby? What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?”
Chan was softly looking at him. Eyes reflecting the sun’s gentle light, his fingers were running in Jisung’s hair, stroking them like they were the most precious thing existing on Earth. Jisung felt his whole heart calm down. Now, if he could stay in this universe, it could be great…
He sighed, looking at the dull ceiling. “Kind of.”
“You’re always having bad dreams lately… I hope it’s nothing serious.” Chan looked grave, now caressing his cheek.
Jisung smiled, putting his hand over Chan’s. “It’s fine. I just wish I could stay here…”
The older chuckled. “We can’t sunshine. You have to go to uni and I have to go to work. Come on, get up.”
“Uni, huh…”
“Yeah, uni. But you like it right? You took musicology, after all. That’s what you like.”
“I did that…” Jisung muttered.
“Yeah you did baby. What’s wrong? Are you still half asleep?”
“Nah, I’m fully asleep... But it feels nice. Talking to you is like taking a break from my hard life.”
Chan laughed again. “What’s so hard about your life?”
“Everything… You wouldn’t know.”
“Like?”
Jisung sighed. “Literally everything.”
“So am I the angel who saves you from your hard life?”
“Yeah.”
Chan quickly ruffled Jisung’s hair, smiling widely. “You’re so cute Sungie. Now come on, get up and you’ll end up late.”
“Don’t care about that, I’m in a dream after all. Getting late is the least of my worries…”
He bursted into laughter. “You’re not dreaming sunshine!”
Jisung closed his eyes. “Unfortunately, I am…”
“Okay that’s it for today!”
Everyone fell down on the floor, sweating because of their intensive work. Jisung opened his eyes. He was already on the floor, sweat dripping from his forehead. Weird. He didn’t remember he had been dancing for so long that he fell asleep. He really was in a bad state, these days. His physical condition was worsening.
“Hey fucker,” Chan said once the dance teacher was gone.
He pushed Jisung with his foot, a look of disdain on his face. Oh how much he hated Bang Chan in real life. Couldn’t he just go back to his dream and be with the perfect Chan he loved?
“Get up and tidy the room. We’ll get going first.”
Jisung didn’t answer anything, only shot him a black look.
“Alright guys let’s go!”
Chan went out of the room first, quickly followed by a mocking Hyunjin to whom Jisung answered by a beautiful middle finger. The others didn’t do anything to protect him. They just slowly exited the room with heads hung low. Right, they were all intimidated by Chan so of course they wouldn’t dare to be against him. Only Jeongin flashed him a smile before quickly following his hyungs. God he hated this situation so much.
Being the only one left here, he eventually got up, watching the mess in this place. So he really had to clean all of that up? Why him? Oh, right. Because Holy Bang Chan decided that he was the cause of all of their problems and that was why he was the perfect target to bully. Right.
What an asshole.
Jisung took a smelly shirt and threw it at the other side of the room.
“Fuck you,” he cursed at him, watching his own reflection in the mirror.
One day he’ll be brave enough to say these words to his face. One day, he will.
Jisung opened his eyes. His vision was still fuzzy, barely noticing the small figure at the door. The whole room was still in the dark, meaning that it wasn’t daytime. What time was it? Maybe he had to get up to go to practice again… He didn’t want to but he had to.
“Hey baby…”
Oh.
So he was dreaming.
Jisung felt all of his muscles relax as he saw Chan getting closer to him, eventually sitting on the bed. He took his hand and the boy smiled. The warm touch of his skin was so nice. It felt like it was real but… it wasn’t.
“Why were you sleeping already…? It’s not even night. Did you fall asleep as soon as you got home?”
“I don’t know, did I?”
Chan looked worried. He squeezed Jisung’s hand. “You didn’t take these pills again, did you?”
“What pills?” Jisung asked, furrowing his eyebrows. He didn’t like the idea that even his dream was starting to become darker.
“Sleeping pills.”
“Sleeping pills? Why would I need them?” he innocently asked.
Chan frowned. “Is this a joke? Sunshine, you’ve always had trouble sleeping. You stopped having insomnia once we moved together. You said it was because I was here to sleep with you that you were able to sleep again.”
“Oh, really… My dream self really lives his best life,” Jisung said to himself, looking away.
“Your dream self? What are you saying?”
“Nothing nothing…” Jisung rapidly smiled. “Anyway I don’t think I took them. Don’t worry.”
“Then why were you sleeping this early? It’s only 9 PM…”
“I don’t know, I felt tired? It’s fine.”
Chan was dubious. He stared at Jisung for a few seconds, before he eventually gave in.
“Fine. But you really worry me. You’ve been strange, lately. Felix told me that you always seem out at uni. Be careful, hm? Don’t take those pills again.”
“Yeah, I won’t.”
“Good. You wanna continue to sleep?”
“No. I want to stay with you.”
Chan smiled. “You’re too cute baby. Alright, get up. Let’s watch a movie tonight.”
Jisung smiled back. “Then carry me to the living room. I’m too tired to move.”
He let out a laugh but didn’t complain. “Okay, sunshine.”
Chan’s strong arms carefully lifted Jisung and he brought him to the living room. Jisung closed his eyes, letting himself travel with his boyfriend. His scent was so nice… If only all of this could be real.
“Why the fuck are you so bad at everything? You hold our whole team back! Can’t you go back to Malaysia and leave us the fuck alone?”
Chan was yelling. Jisung didn’t listen to him anymore, staring at the dull wall in front of him. They were alone, this time. In a dark corridor where no one would see or pay attention to them. He felt pain in his whole body. Did Chan beat him up? Probably. He was always violent to him anyway. He’d beat him up because he’d feel like it. That was Chan to Jisung. A monster.
“I can’t believe I have to physically hurt you to knock some sense in you!”
Chan hit Jisung with his foot, making the younger scream in pain.
“Why are you not even scared? Say something, fucker!”
“Okay,” he said with pale eyes, “I’ll listen to you.”
“You don’t even sound convinced! Say it again bastard!”
“I’ll listen to you,” he blatantly said.
“Are you messing with me?”
Jisung saw Chan’s hand going up in the air and he knew he was going to get a slap in the face. He firmly closed his eyes, waiting for the punch.
“Sungie!”
He suddenly woke up. Rays of sunshine were lighting up Chan’s worried face. He felt his hands cupping his face and it felt so nice. Jisung melted in the touch, holding his boyfriend’s hand with his own hand.
“Are you okay? I think you were having a nightmare.”
“A nightmare…?”
“You looked so scared. Like someone was beating you…”
Beating him…? Yeah, like real life, where Chan was beating him up so much. He huffed. “Yeah, you.”
“Huh?”
“You were beating me up and it wasn’t a nightmare.”
“Oh my god that’s so horrible, I’m sorry… But of course it’s a nightmare! What else would it be?”
“Reality,” Jisung whispered. “Fucking reality.”
Chan looked puzzled for a few seconds. He sat up straight, removing his hands from Jisung’s face. The latter was looking back at him with a serious look. He really hated reality. Why couldn’t this world become his reality…?
“But Jisung, this is the real world. We’re in the real world, right now.”
Jisung laughed. “You’re so sweet Hyung. But I know. This is a dream. I’m not in the real world. The real world is… the world where you’re mean to me.”
“Huh…?”
“You’re beating me up, snapping at me, bullying me. That’s the world where I live in. But it’s fine. It’s fine, as long as I have you and this world. I don’t have trouble sleeping and I’m living my best life here, right?”
Chan looked horrified. Wow, why was his dream so realistic now? It was almost annoying. Why was his brain doing this to him? He just wanted to spend a good time now before going back to his real life again.
“S-Sunshine… You’re still half-asleep right? That’s why you’re saying this?”
“No I’m not. It’s true. This world is a dream.”
“No it’s not, we’re in the real world! Don’t you remember? We started to date three years ago, when you were a freshman and I was a senior! We fell in love in a couple of months and since then we’ve been so happy! I knew you had a difficult past but yet I fell in love with you because you were strong enough to get up from it. You looked so self-confident and so attractive, you were so perfect. Of course you still are, that’s why I wanted to protect you and cure your insomnia, and I was so happy when I did when we moved out together because you were feeling so much better with me… Jisung, you… you really don’t remember that? You really think we’re in a fake world?”
“Yeah we are. You’re telling me fake memories. I don’t recall them, they can't be true. They're too good to be true.”
Chan seemed broken. Jisung felt sad to make the dream Chan look like this but it wasn’t like it was false anyway. He needed to tell him that they were in a dream. Anyway, he won’t remember. The next time he’ll make a dream, Chan will be back to his usual self. No need to worry.
“J-Jisung… What’s wrong with you?”
“Everything, maybe.”
It was as if his boyfriend’s world fell down. He was so terrified. Slowly getting up from the bed, he didn’t let Jisung out from his sight of view. Jisung followed him with his gaze, feeling empty inside. Chan was just his imaginary boyfriend. Once he’ll dream again, he’ll be okay again. So there wasn’t any need to feel panic.
Chan left the room, dashing out.
Jisung closed his eyes.
“You’re so fucking pathetic! Get the hell out of my life!”
Jisung felt immediate pain. He screamed, hurting everywhere. It was so painful, Jisung literally felt like Chan broke his limbs and his right arm. And maybe it wasn’t just an impression, maybe Chan really broke his body. Tears filled his eyes soon enough and a second after, they were already running on his cheeks.
Chan punched him in the stomach and Jisung yelled out of pain. He continued to hit him everywhere and the younger could only scream, do nothing else. He was too weak to counterattack and he wasn’t even in the position to do so. If he did, Chan would fire him from his team and there was no way Jisung could do that. He suffered this long, he’d keep going. No matter what.
“I wish you could just be dead! Just die asshole! Die, die, die!”
Chan suddenly took him by the neck, attempting to strangle him with his two hands. For the first time, Jisung felt like he was going to die. He feared Bang Chan. Chan with his scary eyes, Chan with his inhuman strength, Chan with his overflowing hate. Jisung was scared of him.
And the only thing he could do was crying.
Jisung opened his eyes. His brain was hurting him, he didn’t feel too good. He still felt his throat burning, like Chan’s hands were on his neck. Well he almost got strangled to death. In fact, maybe he actually did. That was why he was in this world again, in the world he could get into only when he was asleep. But one thing was weird.
The room was silent. No, the whole house was silent. Where was Chan?
Jisung got up, frowning. Chan’s nice scent disappeared from the room. His belongings weren’t here anymore. What was up? Did his imaginary boyfriend really disappear from his head like this? Because of what he said last time? But dreams weren’t even supposed to be linked! Chan was his boyfriend and that was it, he couldn’t remember what happened in other dreams! Why would he?
Unless it was reality.
Jisung got shivers that he quickly rubbed off. No way.
No way, but he still sprinted out of the room.
Discovering an empty living room, an empty bathroom, an empty kitchen. Everything was so lifeless, everything was lacking of Chan .
Chan disappeared.
Jisung’s head hurt even more. What was happening? What was happening in this world?
His heart ached. He felt so bad, wanted to throw up. Maybe he should just get up. But how was he supposed to wake up from a fake world? How was he supposed to tell his brain to wake him up?
Then, when he came back to his room, he saw that box.
That box of sleeping pills.
That was it. If he took sleeping pills in this world, then maybe he’d be able to go back to reality!
Rushing to take them, Jisung swallowed four pills at the same time. Then he took some others, wishing to wake up already. He should be gone now, right? Gone to the real world where Chan was strangling him.
But nothing happened.
He was still standing here, like nothing happened.
Jisung weakly laughed.
Well of course, what did he expect? He wasn’t in the real world right now, sleeping pills had no effect.
He started to laugh like crazy, falling back on his bed.
What a crazy world.
He closed his eyes, smile on his lips.
Han Jisung died at the age of twenty-one.
He committed suicide by swallowing fifteen sleeping pills.