Chapter Text
It wasn’t that Eduardo didn’t feel bad about the chicken.
He’d generally considered himself to be a consummate friend of the animals. He'd given money to Greenpeace once in high school. The death of his first hamster had been entirely accidental. And he really didn’t enjoy that look that he’d put on Mark’s face, like he was very terribly amused, except for the parts of him that weren’t, at all.
"I’m sorry about the article, I am, but there are lines."
"It’s Sean Parker, Wardo."
"Who I don’t want 10 miles near our company," Eduardo protested.
"Then how about just his contacts," Dustin said and shrugged when Eduardo snapped,
"You’re not helping."
Dustin’s smug expression expressed that he knew very well that he wasn’t helping, and the excellent reason for that is that he was on Mark’s fucking side.
Someday Dustin would meet a girl he was crazy about, and she’d actually agree to date him, and then Eduardo was going to make her love him, and think he was an absolute angel, and Dustin would be in so much trouble.
"I’m not even gay."
Mark’s eyes narrowed. "You’re a little gay."
"I made out with Sergio Rodriguez one time, after 3 kamikazes."
"I didn’t know Sergio was gay," Dustin said, amused.
Eduardo said, pointedly, "I don’t think he is," and was immensely self-satisfied for the 30 blissful seconds before he noticed Dustin smiling craftily.
"Hey, doesn’t he row crew?"
"Well, that settles it." Mark folded his hands together, smirking. "I don’t think you could sink any lower."
"I think we need to further explore your crew issues," said Eduardo.
"You are welcome to do so, after you ask out Sean Parker."
"I think there’s been some terrible misunderstanding."
Mark’s expression as he leaned back in his chair was completely resolute. "This is your duty as CFO."
"And for loooooove," Dustin said.
*
There was probably a perfectly logical explanation for all this, but Eduardo never actually discovered it – mostly because he was too busy being horrified beyond belief.
The gist of it initially appeared to be:
Sean had communicated a certain romantic, or vaguely sexual, or obscenely pornographic, interest in Eduardo. (Mark wasn’t quite sure, but then it was Mark.)
Sean knew investors.
Mark wanted investors.
Eduardo was a really, really good friend.
*
It seemed safe to assume that asking out a guy was the same process as asking out a girl, and it appeared to be going well for something Eduardo did not - in any way, shape, or form - want to be doing, until he tried to pull out Sean’s chair for him at the restaurant and Sean was consumed with cackling laughter. It was so bad he started hacking, gripping the table, and then he had to use an inhaler. (This was unsettling on its own, because the implied vulnerability made him seem just a bit little human, and Eduardo had been pretty sure that Sean was secretly an evil robot programmed to spew out start-up jargon, confabulate reality with parables, and disrupt every aspect of Eduardo’s carefully ordered life.)
"Is this a date," Sean gasped, and Eduardo bit his lip, fingers curling up to tug anxiously at his jacket sleeves.
"uh, if you want it to be?"
This set Sean off cackling again, though he managed to stifle it enough to place his order with the waitress.
"Wow, Mark’s a funny guy," Sean said, blatantly admiring the swing of her hips she left to retrieve their wine. "He couldn’t tell I was joking?"
Eduardo struggled to think of a time when he was more mortified.
He came to the decision that, like the chicken, this was slightly superior to an established reputation for necrophilia. But it was still pretty damn bad.
This would be why he tried to immediately flee, with ardent dreams of licking his wounds in private, except Sean grabbed his wrist and shot him the first honest smile Eduardo had ever seen him bestow.
Frankly, he hadn’t been certain Sean could do that. (see: evil robot)
"No, no, don’t go," Sean encouraged. "Let’s stay and talk business. You know, without the boss man."
And he wouldn’t have, he considered up and leaving at least fifteen more times, but Sean was being so horrifically nice about it. And he had to think up all the various insidious lies he was going to tell Dustin’s future girlfriend, which would take a while.
"I realize you’ve just been the victim of accidental sexual harassment, but you’ll still give me an alibi when I have to beat my best friend to death with this—" Eduardo hefted it with his left hand and blinked. "—surprisingly heavy desert menu, won’t you?"
"This is going to be fucking hysterical in 10 years, trust me," Sean said, reaching out to smack him consolingly on the shoulder.
"You’re probably right", Eduardo admitted, took a gulp of wine, and let Sean tell him a story about the time an aide from the Commerce Secretary called his parents to explain how he was dismantling the fabric of capitalist society.
It was actually pretty funny and an apt analogy to Eduardo's tendency to overemphasize revenue over growth-- though he'd be taking that observation to his death bed.
"So, I didn’t know you were gay," Sean said, once Eduardo had stopped shooting longing glances towards the exit.
"I’m not. Really."
Sean grinned at him over his glass. "Now I’m flattered."
"It was mostly under duress."
*
"I'm not speaking to you," Eduardo said, very seriously, when he got back.
"Oh my god," Dustin shrieked. "He stole your delicate maidenhood, didn't he?"
"NO, he did not--" Eduardo paused. "Is my delicate maidenhood supposed to be my ass?"
"Oh good", Dustin said, relieved. "Just a blowjob then."
*
Then Mark decided the entire operation had to move to Palo Alto.
"Since pimping me out didn’t work."
"I said I was sorry about that," Mark said crossly.
Slightly Cowed and Sincerely Apologetic Mark had lasted an unprecedented three days, but had not been seen or heard from since.
"I lost my girlfriend."
"Since none of the rest of us are getting laid," Mark drawled, "forgive me if my heart bleeds little for you."
"She kneed me in the nuts outside the observatory!"
"You did deserve that," Chris said mildly, who had not been amused at the discovery of their thwarted plans.
It was possible that he resented them for making a mockery of his sexuality. It was also possible he resented missing out on some prime Eduardo hazing. But most likely he was just of the opinion that an involuntary gay love affair that went nowhere was still cheating on your girlfriend, and a total dick move.
"We need another Linux box," said Mark, ignoring him, and passed over the specs.
Eduardo paged through the sheets and rolled them into a tube, tapping them against his leg a little nervously. "You know I can’t come with you guys."
Dustin booed loudly. "Aww, say it ain’t so! When we become gajillionaires Christy will totally take you back."
"We can get you better than Christy," Mark said, with a quirk of his lips, but Eduardo had serious concerns he might be sterile, so hard did that knee connect. He swore he saw his life flashing in front of his eyes.
And man, it used to include a lot less sitting around and waiting on floors and at doorways.
"I’ve had more than enough of your matchmaking prowess, thank you very much."
*
When Mark had a new hobby that he could pair with his profound love of schadenfreude he tended to be a little relentless, but luckily there were opportunities for worldwide domination to distract him. Eduardo let Mark walk him through the navigation redesign, clicking happily with the thought of crushing his detractors.
It was both nice and a little bit of a bummer to see a happy Mark. Nice, because this was the most palpable form of Mark, the Mark who reminded him why he kept coming back around and ignoring the prickly exterior, and, fine, latching onto him not unlike like a baby duckling (there were really so many reasons Dustin would pay). A bummer, because now Eduardo was reminded that he’d actually miss him.
Chris stopped him at the door on the way out, "Are you sure that’s a good move here?"
To be honest, Eduardo wasn’t sure either, but,"Sean Parker wants us in Palo Alto."
Chris opened his mouth to reply, and then paused. "Why do we keep calling him by his full name? It’s not like we know any other Seans."
Eduardo thought about it, scratching his neck. "More ominous."
"It does seem to instill a measure of dread."
"And now you’re humoring me."
"After Mark, you should be used to it."
"Look, if Sean Parker’s there, and he might be, that’s enough of a reason at this point for me to be on the other side of the country."
"Good point," Chris conceded, and then continued, just when Eduardo was nodding, "Don’t want to tempt you to throw away your virtue."
"Dustin was concerned," he added when Eduardo flipped him off, then, "ow!" when Eduardo flicked him in the ear.
"fuck, fuck, ow, stop it, will no one defend my honor?"
"Sorry, too busy with Wardo's," Dustin shouted over his shoulder, intent on the television.
"ow, shit, you know that wasn't even me that time!"
*
It might have been irony when it turned out that Facebook was the perfect vehicle with which to spread an ex-boyfriend's infamy to all of your friends, but there was a reason Eduardo wasn't an English major. It certainly wasn't a surprise, though, to see Alice and an unfamiliar girl in a pencil skirt huffing past him on the way to the campus bookstore or a couple of sorority sisters whispering and sending him a dirty look.
"I really wish you'd stop doing things to make all the girls hate us," Eduardo sighed, leaning in the doorway as Mark checked his suitcases.
"It will be an interesting experiment to see if I can pull it off without them ever meeting you," Mark said.
"And sometimes I really wish I could tell when you’re serious."
"Yeah, no you don’t," Chris said over Dustin’s eruption into giggles.