Chapter Text
Izuku Modoriya is generally a high anxiety person. He had to be in his comfort zone to live a carefree life, which means living in a dorm with Bakugou Katsuki was not his idea of comfortable living. But it wasn't an option. Aizawa had said something about 'heroes being able to get along with everyone,' yet Izuku didn't buy it for a second. He was probably just tired of the frequent infighting between his problem students.
"So... roommates?" Izuku attempted awkwardly. Katsuki's red glare was intense, yet he was a bit softer than usual. "Yeah, I guess," his tone just as awkward and apprehensive as his childhood friend. The air was thick with tension, but that was nothing new for the pair. "Look, I don't wanna room with you nerd as much as you wanna room with me," he crossed his arms. Izuku anxiously played with the hem of his sweater, "I know..." Katsuki huffed in annoyance. "Well, obviously we gotta set down some ground rules.
Izuku looked up from his shoes, surprised that Katsuki suggested something logical. His upper lip quirked up into the resemblance of a smile, "of course." Katsuki huffed, "what're ya smirkin' about, nerd!" Izuku let out a small giggle, "nothin', sometimes you just have smart ideas is all." Katsuki's face morphed into a gauche grin, "Of course we need some damn rules! I don't want your grubby hands on all my stuff!" Izuku laughed in response, unbeknownst to him, Katsuki's heart fluttered a little bit. "Never change, Kacchan."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!" Katsuki whined. "Don't worry about it," Izuku proceeded to claim a bed. "Don't just brush me off! I wanted that bed, you nerd!" Katsuki yelled after him, but Izuku just laughed into his pillow. "Sucks to suck," he smirked. Katsuki's face went fire-hydrant red, "fuck you, shitty nerd!" The only response Izuku dignified him with was laughter. Unfortunately, what followed this laughter would be the first of the many flaming pillows.
Fortunately, after the 'burnt pillow' incident, Izuku and Katsuki set down some ground rules. The first thing the pair addressed was personal space. Katsuki almost drew a line in the carpet to separate their areas, but Izuki threw that idea out immediately. They compromised on just keeping their stuff contained in their general area. Next was decorating. Usually, people would have no problem with this aspect of living together. But Izuku was a fanboy. In the end, Katsuki threatened to burn all of his All Might posters. Izuku was limited to 7 pieces of merchandise on showcase at all times. Surprisingly there had to be shower rules. First, Izuku had to shower at night so Katsuki could shower before school. Second, Katsuki had to stop using 'that five in one shit' and had to invest in real hair care products. That argument went on for far too long, but Katsuki surrendered for a family-sized bag of Hot Cheetos. Their last rule was about friends. If Izuku wanted to have his 'nerds' over, Bakugou had to be out of the dorm. There was no rule over Bakugou's friends because they were truthfully Izuku's too. Making these rules was a long and grueling process that unsurprisingly created smoke and a trip to Ikea.
"Hey Deku," Katsuki nudged Izuku from his position on their couch. Izuku just looked at Katsuki with a quirked brow. "Hey nerd, I'm talking to ya," he tried again. "Yes?" Izuku's response was curt with annoyance. He took this as an invitation to continue, "did you take those notes I missed today in English?" Izuku smirked, "what about them, Kacchan?" Katsuki's frowned into a scowl, "can I fucking borrow them?"
Izuku tutted in a childish tone, "what's the magic word?" Damn it if he knew how to push Katsuki's buttons. "I'll burn this goddamn couch, you absolute tool," he threatened. Izuku laughed almost maniacally, "then you'd burn my notes too! Come on, you can ask me properly!" Katsuki sighed in annoyance, sparks dancing on his fingertips, "You're fuckin' lucky I don't want to spend another 300 dollars on a couch." He took a long breath in as if he was preparing to commit a serious crime-- "Can I see your notes?" Izuku giggled from his spot on the couch.
Tiny flames engulfed Katsuki's pencil. Izuku gasped, "you have no manners! How've you lived a successful sixteen years?" Katsuki was this close to burning down the U.A. dorm building. "Can I please see your fucking notes, you insufferable, shitty nerd?" Izuku cackled, bent over laughing. His notes were now completely abandoned next to him, his pencil somewhere lost and out of sight. Katsuki would never admit this out loud, but he thought it was an enjoyable sight.
Katsuki's stupid childhood fixation on Deku had turned into a full-fleshed crushed by Junior high. This crush devolved into a crisis that devolved into lashing out. Their childhood friendship had turned into bullying from Katsuki and idolizing from Izuku. Over time, as Izuku realized this counter-intuitive way of thinking, he was able to stop the cycle. It was somewhere in their first year between All Might's retirement and their licensing exam. After that, respect with hesitant kindness intertwined in their rivalry. Lingering crushes throughout the history of their relationship made for an oddly playful, yet strained relationship. Izuku took the teasing in stride, even dishing it out back to Katsuki. Katsuki found he liked the more confident, self-assured version of his childhood friend much more.
The pair's weeks continued like this, hesitant friendship and the misuse of Katsuki's quirk. "Have you ever tried to roast marshmallows with your quirk?" Izuku asked one slow evening. They were supposed to be studying for their calculous test, but Izuku found this topic much more intriguing. "The fuck? Do you think I'm a madman?" Katsuki turned his chair, quirking his eyebrow at his roommate. "Uh, yes! I've had to buy new pillows on seven separate occasions because of your childish behavior!" Izuku defended, motioning to the ash-colored scuff on the wall next to him. "Those were all completely your fault! The fuck are you talking about?" Katsuki yelled, crossing his arms in dismay.
"That's not the point! You never answered my question!" Izuku frowned, flailing his arms in annoyance. A rose-colored tint covered Katsuki's cheeks, giving away his answer, "...maybe." Immediately, Izuku broke out into a cheery grin, "I knew it! You might just be human!" Katsuki pouted, "what do you mean? Of course, I'm human, dumbass." Giggles came from Izuku's mouth. "So, do you think we could roast marshmallows in the courtyard?"
Katsuki found something intriguing on the floor because that's where his eyes were locked. He muttered something under his breath, but it was too quiet for Izuku to make out. "C'mon! We gotta, you can't just leave me hanging like that!" Izuku grinned, stumbling over to Katsuki's side of the room. "Fuck you," Katsuki's face only got redder, "I'm never gonna make you your goddamn marshmallows!" Izuku laughed from his place on the floor after he gave up on the journey to Katsuki's desk.
After Izuku was able to catch his breath, he looked up at Katsuki again with that damn expression. He would never admit just how breathless Izuku made him. "So, we can roast marshmallows some other time?" Boom. Katsuki blew up the cover of his math notebook, "you fucking masochist." Izuku's lips drew up into a cheeky smile, "Is that a yes I hear? Pleeeease Kacchan!"
Katsuki begrudgingly uncrossed his arms, a look of defeat displayed on his face. "Fine! You just gotta quit your damn whining," he conceded. The toothy grin that lit up Izuku's face was entirely worth it in Katsuki's opinion. Unbeknownst to Katsuki, there was a money exchange later that night between Izuku and Eijiro.
Only two days later, Bakugou bought the marshmallows and demanded Izuku follow him into the U.A. courtyard. It all went to shit shortly after that.
Izuku though a lot about the relationship between him and Katsuki. Or, at least the attempt at a civil relationship. Whenever their tainted past crossed Izuku's mind, a contrite expression enveloped his features. He had always wanted more than Katsuki was willing to give and let Katsuki take until there was nothing left. Although they were both amenable to overlooking their unresolved history, sometimes Izuku wishes he could have an honest conversation with his former best friend. He wants to know if it could've been different. If Izuku had been better, smarter, or born with a quirk, would Katsuki have accepted him the same?
Struggles with self-worth were nothing new to Izuku's life. Even so, sometimes they felt like reality. All too often, a glint of metal was placed meticulously in the corner of his mind. Thoughts of the ninth grade before he met All Might-- memories of blood peaking through his sleeves and Katsuki's thorny words-- cemented in his mind. He remembers the call of the void, the words: "try taking a swan-dive off the roof," a nauseant.
Often, when Izuku looks in the mirror, he doesn't see Deku the Hero. He sees an annoying, disgusting, worthless attempt at a human being. On those days, he drowns himself in sweaters and takes far too long to finish his meals (if he eats). Words like "perfect, clean, small, better," and the feeling of pristine tile punctuated his bad habits. Seeing 'Kacchan' on these days failed to make it any better, his self-perception only reified. Covering Izuki's insecurities up with false bravado and kindness was all he could do to keep himself from falling apart.
Today was one of those days. Izuku sat perched on the edge of his couch. His phone plugged into the speaker that he and Katsuki had "joint custody" over, 'I don't think I can do this again' by Clairo whispering out of it. Katsuki may endlessly tease Izuku over his soft taste in music, refusing to listen to anything edgier that lo-fi rap or indie rock, but it was what kept him sane. The sweater he wore was soft and oversized, colored in his favorite shade of magenta that beautifully contrasted with his forest colored hair. One of the few things that made him feel better on a bad day was good music. Music that had character, that he could hear the lyrics and just feel the color of them in his head.
Izuku's mind was just beginning to settle down when Katsuki barged into his room, and a penny colored glare softened on his childhood friend's face. "C'mon nerd-- we're going to the courtyard-- I got a surprise for ya," Katsuki smirked, his hands were placed in his pockets, making him look insouciant. Izuku sighed, tired eyes scanning his roommate, "this better be quick." Katsuki frowned at that. It was something that Izuku saw as his general disposition, but this frown was because Katsuki noticed his tired eyes. As a precaution, he refrained from commenting on Izuku's loudly colored sweatshirt and the stupid looking frog on the front.
"Heard you were playin' ya music... what were you listening to?" Katsuki attempted some painfully awkward civil conversation on the way to the courtyard. As they continued to talk, Izuku noticed something. Katsuki knew he wasn't his usual self. The way he treads lightly around banter and stuck to 'nerd' was something new for them. Some part of Izuku was mad that Katsuki was treating him any different. Where was this sympathy when they were kids? But the other part of him was thankful. Izuku continued to tell him about his latest finds and distaste in radio music as Katsuki respectfully claimed Nicki Minaj would always be the best musician ever. Sadly, that night Izuku had to break the news to Katsuki that his favorite rapper was retiring from music. (He googled this later only to find that Izuku had lied. That ended in a fiery pillow and a call to Todoroki to save Izuku's poor bed.)
When they finally arrived at the courtyard, Izuku put two and two together. Katsuki had bought a few mini marshmallow roasting sticks and a bag of jumbo marshmallows. That was the first time that day that Izuku had a real grin plastered on his freckled features. Katsuki sighed in longing as he watched his rival, maybe even his friend, shove far too many marshmallows in his face.
"Hold on!" Katsuki laughed, "I got some more supplies, don't eat 'em all right away." Izuki followed Katsuki's gaze as he pulled a bag of chocolate chips and graham crackers from his pocket. Immediately his grin widened around sticky marshmallows. Katsuki's smirk turned goofy at this, unable to hide his amusement. "You look like you ate Baymax," He said crudely. Izuku's face turned five shades pinker. "Gross!" He tried to say around a mouthful of food, but it came out sounding more like 'growth.' Izuku swallowed the marshmallows in defeat, the red tint to his skin only fading a little bit.
"So... I have no idea how to do this," Katsuki started, "the last time I tried this was when I was ten, and my mom almost had to call the fire department." Izuki giggled at that, appreciating his roommate's attempts at cheering him up. "I doubt that we'll burn anything down with the two of us, we are supposed to be heroes next year. It would be kinda sad if we couldn't roast some marshmallows," Izuku joked, stealing a marshmallow from Katsuki's hand. Katsuki's face flushed, but Izuku couldn't tell in the dim lighting of their courtyard. "Yeah, I guess..." he coughed, "don't burn the fuckin' marshmallows, kay?"
Izuku looked up to meet Katsuki's gaze as he started sticking their marshmallows to their stakes. He gave him a small, toothy smirk, "I'll try my hardest, but I make no guarantees." Katsuki only huffed in response, but he still fired up his quirk.
On their first try, Izuki had his hand too far up the stake, so Katsuki immediately pulled back. "Hold it lower! I don't want our marshmallows tasting like your hands, dumbass," he told him. Usually, Katsuki's expression consisted of anger or defensiveness. Right now, it was open and focused. Izuku almost felt as though he was looking in on a private moment, but quickly dismissed the thought. Katsuki's gaze was soft, the usual crease in his forehead melted away into his skin, and his lips quirked upwards in concentration. A brief flutter of butterflies filled Izuku's stomach, but he regrouped and continued his task.
Their first two s'mores were a bit on the toasty side, but neither of them said anything. During the next few rounds, they fell into a comfortable silence, perfecting their tasks. Izuku was allowed time to think about what this meant, and just why Katsuki was doing this for him. His mind drew a blank around that thought, did his childhood-friend want something from him? He found it hard to believe that the guy who bullied him through the hardest period of his life just wanted to spend time with him. It was a sad thought, but it was realistic to Izuku. Ever since Junior High, Izuku has never truly trusted Katsuki's intentions. Last time he did that, he ended up crying himself to sleep for four years.
"Are ya just gonna keep on eating?" Katsuki asked. Izuku snapped back into focus, his mood dampened by his roommate's words. The way it was phrased made it sound as though Izuku had overindulged. His brow furrowed slightly, and the corners of his lips dug down into a frown. "Are you done?" Izuku said softly. Katsuki seemed oblivious to his misstep, continuing as though nothing happened. "Yeah, have been for a long time. As much sugar as you ate is shitty for your body, and I was supposed to go to shitty hair's room a while ago," Katsuki said, an eyebrow raised. A sudden wave of anger washed over Izuku. This situation was stupid, why was Katsuki blaming him when he was the one who dragged him out here? He was the one who tried to soothe his worries, cheer him up, make him taste like sweet sugar. Yet, he was the one who left him anxious, upset, and burnt all over. How naive of him to think they could start over and rebuild their relationship on respect rather than blame.
When they were kids, it was a constant "well you don't have a quirk, you don't have the latest All Might toy, you couldn't hang out with me, you are annoying me, you aren't good enough for me and will never be --" Izuku took a deep breath in. He would work himself into a substanceless anxiety attack in front of Katsuki. Izuku plastered on the fakest smile he could and prepared his words as sickly sweet as possible, "Sorry for wasting your time. I'll just go back to studying now."
Katsuki watched Izuku walk away, a coward. The entire tone of their conversation had changed in just a few sentences. Yet in the back of his mind, he knew why. Throughout their relationship, Katsuki had never outwardly expressed his fondness of Izuku. Compliments warped into petty insults and grasping onto any mistakes and feeding into it. Never could Katsuki remember acknowledging Izuku as an equal. But, now that Izuku knew his worth that had to change. Katsuki was determined not to let their friendship slip away as it had before. But first, he would talk to Kirishima about his physics notes.
Two bags of kettle corn, three jumbo cookies, and half a pint of ice cream later Izuku was freaking out on the floor of his and Katsuki's bathroom. First, Izuku tried to listen to music. He tried to focus on the red undertones of the bass, but they twisted into tainted hues. Black and midnight blue-- the color of disappointment in his father's eyes as he left because everyone will leave you just have to wait long enough -- colored his ears. His popcorn ceiling didn't look flat and white anymore. It was the color of vomit, leaping out at Izuku and telling him he was a worthless failure. His room didn't feel like a room and more like a cage.
This panic attack has been the most violent one since Izuku started on his meds, but that makes sense since he skipped them today. Fat wet tears pooled down his cheeks like a mistake. Wet heat scraped into his favorite magenta sweatshirt so Izuku tore at his skin, thoughts of blades and pain mixed with disgusting relief pounded into his skull. He wanted to puke. Not because of how anxious he felt (it was his fault) but because sugar was bad for you, and Izuku was supposed to be a hero. How could he even dream of being a hero when he could barely take care of himself?
Sugary sludge burned a hole into Izuku's stomach, only making him cry that much harder. God, how could Katsuki ever begin to respect someone who had no self-control? Izuku was a glutton who would take when he should've just given Katsuki everything, or even anything at all.
Then Izuku made the fatal mistake of giving in to the clean, white toilet that sat next to him. He jammed his fingers down his throat in a manner that was so ironically weak when all Izuku wanted to be was stronger. At first, all that came out was a thick gooey trail of marshmallow. He worked his fingers harder until he could feel his food climbing up his esophagus. It was so gross, and Izuku could hardly breathe, but images of the feeling of clean and good enough beautifully encased his mind. Flowers, piercing ruby eyes, laughter, "I am here," bones, muscle, calorie labels, immaculately clean vintage bathrooms-- they all felt like this. The way accidentals transformed a verse to convey feelings of 'wrong' and 'mistake' gave the distinct feeling of this lugubrious moment.
Izuku walked out of his bathroom, feeling like a lemon-scented cleaner. His thoughts fell to incomprehensible static. Now unaware of things like the blood on his knuckle or the body sleeping in his roommate's bed.
When he woke up the next morning, Izuku thought of pristine, cream bathroom tiles and wondered what the calorie count was on the breakfast he ate every day. He wanted to roll back over and start crying, but instead, he popped two pills in his mouth and got out of bed.