Work Text:
December 28, 18--
To Captain Mogens Krum
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Sir,
In light of the demonstrated inauthenticity of information pertaining to the postal service in Smeerensburg, I write to solicit reports from an unbiased source. For monthly reports not in excess of 500 words per missive, you will be eligible for a stipend of 2 krone each fortnight (plus postage expenses), payable to your name at nearest mainland branch of Den Danske Landmandsbank.
Currently, I receive detailed information regarding the numbers of letters exchanged and certain financial details from postal officers stationed on the island. From you, I wish to receive news of the conduct of postal officers, regularity of the mails, impact upon the civilians, needs of the community, &c.
I anticipate your first letter in two weeks.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
December 31, 18--
Holy smokes, big spender,
If you’re going to throw your cash around to try and impress little ol’ me, you might’ve bought me a drink first. Not that I’m so flush that I won’t draw another paycheck when it’s on offer, but are you sure you’re solvent having someone spy on your kid for you?
No wonder you two are so warm and fuzzy.
Just,
Mogens
January 2, 18--
To Captain Mogens Krum
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Sir,
I do not write to solicit your editorial opinion. The personal interactions of citizens of Smeerensburg do not interest me, beyond their connection to the mails and the greater convenience the proper regulation of those mails may furnish the community. I reiterate: a report, not in excess of 400 words, once a month, with such details as pertain exclusively to the conduct of all officers of the postal system and such candid reflections about the quality and consistency of service, will entitle you to a stipend of 2.5 krone every fortnight (plus postage expenses).
If this is not an employment prospect that piques your interest, or if you feel yourself unequal to the task, we may consider the offer closed.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
January 5, 18--
Johanssen,
It was 2 krone and 500 words a week ago. What happened there? Don’t tell me you already value my keen insights more than you did at the outset.
But I’m your man in Smeerensburg. I’ll draft the first installment after I see to that .5 krone advance.
It’s just,
Mogens
January 14, 18--
To Captain Mogens
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Sir,
I read with interest your note about the success of the Christmas evening deliveries. The cultivation of a secondary system outside of the regulation of the Royal Postal Service is excusable in the more rural outposts, although a servant of the crown must be careful not to conflate his responsibilities to the system that supports him with that of the community he serves.
It wouldn’t do to have a second Thurn und Taxis growing under my own nose. (Of course I jest.) This distinction will be made clear.
Further, any information you can provide about the most regular postal users will furnish an illuminated picture of the needs of the community.
I anticipate your next installment.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
January 18, 18--
Johanssen,
Your wish is my command. Well, at the top of the list you’d have Kriger Krum’s sappy love letters to Elise Ellingboe, and those seem to come thick and fast as treacle through a pig. Not a patch on the spate of wedding announcements coming out, though. Saw the kid’s knees buckling under a sack of the things.
The sprogs are still sending letters to each other regularly, sneaking notes and such. I expect that’s just part of that informal system you’re so proud of seeing flourish.
It’s Miss Alva who’s probably relevant to you. She’s ordering periodicals from publishing houses with more intellectual airs than can be found on our fair island. Particularly fond of the latest pedagogical studies, I understand, and maybe a few pieces of more complex literature for the tykes.
Now you’re catching on,
Mogens
January 23, 18--
To Captain Mogens
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Sir,
I am obliged to you. Please confirm receipt of the attendant packages.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
January 25, 18--
All right,
I’m seeing a trend here in your pound-foolishness. No wonder the kid ended up spoiled as a blue cheese. Did you ever stop to wonder if nine boxes of books were a little excessive?
Don’t come ‘round for another few months. Alva will try to propose marriage and I think we’d have a patricide on our hands if that came to pass.
You know how to make an impression,
Mogens
January 28, 18--
To Captain Mogens
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Sir,
I am everything discreet. Your full report is due in three days.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
February 3, 18--
DAD,
STOP.
JESPER.
P.S. Send the silk sheets.
February 3, 18--
We’re rumbled, Legs. It was a nice 5 krone while it lasted.
Mogens
February 5, 18--
Captain Mogens,
You are not released from your post. Your January report is overdue. Your next deadline is February 28.
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
February 7, 18--
Sir,
Aye, sir, sir.
Sir,
Mogens
February 11, 18--
To Captain Mogens
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Captain Mogens,
Pray excuse the terseness in my previous letter. It was ill-directed.
Your reports thus far have provided helpful intelligence on the general makeup and disposition of postal patrons in Smeerensburg. During my inspection I was able to glean more of the history of the community and the recent changes undertaken as a result of the revitalized mailing economy. I wish to clarify that I have no desire to attempt to harness (or manipulate) the spontaneous development of creative solutions to local needs.
My goal is instead to facilitate the solutions’ flourishing—without being considered as taking over management responsibility for them.
If you wish to continue in the present contract, I would consider it not dissimilar to a personal favor.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
February 13, 18--
Legs,
I’m taking from that tangle that you’re trying to be discreet about pitching in lest the kid fork over all that hard-earned humble self-respect now that we’re hurtling towards spring and the shine is off the subterfuge.
I don’t think you’ve got much to worry about. To look at him, I think he’s still having fun with it. But I don’t especially appreciate hauling nine boxes of books on my boat when they arrive, so have a care for the rest of the system that’s benefiting. Or send me a brace or something. I ain’t as young as I used to be.
Now that I’ve been your intelligence officer for a full 8 krones worth of work, lemme float you the possibility of just writing to your own damn kid yourself. Could be big, if it works out.
Mogens
February 15, 18--
To Captain Mogens
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Captain,
Short of a cataclysmic revolution in the communication patterns established by some 30 years with my son, a letter inquiring of his well-being will be met with a series of bills and petitions for their payment. I have high hopes; but I will not be tempting him back into old habits so soon.
Let’s get another 6,000 letters under his belt and we’ll see.
Also, Captain, I have paid you 7.5 krones. I suggest you check your bank slips.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
Post-script: “Legs” is scarcely my preferred nomme-de-guerre.
February 18, 18--
Foxy,
Yeah, Jesper’s willing to pay a half krone every two weeks to keep his personal business out of my letters to you. You’re setting me up in a little cottage industry, you know. I’ll be able to retire on this.
Mogens
P.S. Better?
February 22, 18--
To Captain Mogens
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Captain,
I congratulate you on your sound financial decision-making but advise you to remember which goose it is that lays the broad majority of your nest egg.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
Post-script: No.
March 3, 18--
Honey,
Let me know if you got the report. It shoulda hit your desk a day or two ago. The short version is that all’s well, but I forgot to underline it twice that the coffers are low for the booze budget and I could use a bottle of whatever it was you had in your flask on the ride back to the mainland in December.
Also I’ll take one of those books that didn't make it into the nine boxes, if you’ve got them on hand. Preferably something entertaining.
Mogens
P.S. I’ve been meaning to ask, why’d you dock 100 words off of my report word count?
March 5, 18--
To Captain Mogens
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Dear Mogens,
I have received your report and read it with interest. Thank you. Gears are turning. I will not bias your future impressions of the output with details now.
Regrettably, my fiscal conscience forbids me from taking yet another young man more fully under my fiduciary wing. However, I will add you to the list of potential recipients of my beneficence and keep your record on file should circumstances change.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
Post-script: In candor I found you rather annoying and didn’t wish to spend much more time than was necessary reading a summary report from you. Your libertine salutations have proven my point to me several times over.
March 8, 18--
Babe,
Had to take the shot, didn’t I?
Mogens
P.S. Anybody ever tell you you must have a shepherd’s crook up your ass?
March 15, 18--
To Captain Mogens
Of L’Eminence Grease
Smeerensburg
Mogens,
I am planning a brief visit to Smeerensburg at the end of April. Consider this a promissory note for boat fare for myself, Burghard, and a small carriage and dray horse. You would oblige me very much if you could give me the name of a tavern or lodging house in which I might make myself comfortable for three or four nights.
I am eager to see a Smeerensburg spring. I am given to understand this is when the lighter grays are in full bloom.
Very respectfully,
Johan Johanssen IV
Postmaster General
Post-script: You will be astonished, I have no doubt, to learn that no one has ever dared.
March 18, 18--
Stallion,
Sign of the Ascending Ass would have the better food, but you’d likely want to lodge at Ellingbower. The beds are softer and there’s less, ah, call it caterwauling, after the sun goes down.
And if neither of them suit you, I’ve got a spare hammock. I won’t even charge.
See you soon,
Mogens
P.S. Well, you’ve definitely got a stick in there, but I can only guess it’s curved, because you sure seem to be enjoying it.