Chapter Text
Kim Namjoon: South Korean, 26 years old, Leader and one of seven members of the popular boy group Bangtan Sonyeondan.
Oh, and he has Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Dissociative Identity Disorder, but used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder, is a mental disorder that a person develops from one, or multiple, traumatic experiences that usually start from childhood. The mind will then create “Alters,” short for Alternate States of Consciousness. These alters will protect the mind and the body from stress and harm. In most cases, DID will begin to form when the “host” (the first alter/the body) is a child, or a teenager.
The host can have a variety of alters. They can have a minimum of just one, or as many as a thousand. It depends on how bad the trauma is, or was. Over time, alters will begin to show themselves. The host will develop amnesia during this time while the alter is out, often going inside their head to their own “inner world.” When an alter, or the host, is in the body, they are the one occupying it at the time and are therefore at the "front" of the body's consciousness. The host will not know what the alter did while they were in the body unless the host is “co-conscious,” meaning the host is watching the alter like they are in the front seat of a car.
“Switching” is a complex thing. The host does not have control over the switching unless the host is stressed and does not want to have control over the body anymore. Otherwise, the switching just happens on its own. It could take seconds, minutes, or sometimes hours.
This is what Namjoon’s doctor, Dr. Chen, told him when he was 18 years old. Namjoon does not remember most of his childhood. He remembers when his parents were happy, and he remembers the start to all of their fights. He hated when they would fight. So he would go to his room. He actually barely remembers what would happen after that. He would wake up in his bed the next morning, bruises in random places. He would write poetry, because he enjoyed writing, it was his favorite hobby. He would listen to both American and Korean Rap, and Hip Hop, while doing homework. He would watch his favorite show, Friends, to pass the time and learn English. He is fluent now after convincing his parents to let him learn and take classes for it.
When he was not at home or school, he would participate in the underground rap scene. His parents hated it, of course, but he remembered loving it. However, this one particular night, he won a small award for a song he worked really hard on. He performed it. The underground rappers loved it too. He was proud of it, it was the first song he wrote to perform. When he was packing up his stuff to leave, a few rappers came into the room and started taunting him. Saying his song was weak and he’ll never make it as a rapper. Namjoon ignored them. The rappers started shoving him, yelling at him to do something.
“Leave me alone, please.”
“What did you say, bitch?!” Says the leader.
“Can I go now?”
“Ohh, so you wanna act tough huh? I’ll show you tough!” The leader warns as he shoves Namjoon against the wall, knocking the wind out of him.
Namjoon gasps as he doubles over, trying to catch some air. As he does, he starts getting a really big headache. He remembers these specific headaches, the ones that happen right before he blacks out.
“Oh god, not again.” He whispers.
“You want some more?!” The leader exclaims as he slaps Namjoon right across his cheek. Namjoon cries out, clutching his face. His headache gets bigger. He breathes heavily as his eyes flutter rapidly and his head droops down. He then blinks, hard, and then his head comes up. This is not Namjoon anymore.
The alter smirks. “He said leave him alone. What part of that did you not understand?” They ask coldly.
The leader gets confused. “What?”
“Why couldn’t you have just taken the loss with dignity?”
“Excuse me?! You punk! Come here, you little shit!” The leader yells and reaches out for them, but the alter moves out of the way with ease.
“You sure you want to do that?” The alter asks simply.
The leader growls and reaches for him again, but the alter grabs his arm and twists it. The leader cries as he spins around with his arm held tightly behind his back. The alter kicks the back of the man’s knees, sending him to the ground. The alter pushes him forward and he is now lying on his stomach. They hold him as he whispers into the leader’s ear.
“No one is going to believe you got beaten up by a kid. So next time, try picking on someone your own size...and age.”
The alter picks up the man’s head by his hair and slams it into the ground, knocking him out instantly.
The alter moves to stand, and pretends to wipe the dirt off his hands. They look around at the henchmen. “Anyone else?”
The men just stand there, dumbfounded. They all move to let him through. The alter picks up Namjoon’s duffel bag. “That’s what I thought.” They say. They walk past the men, open the door, and leave.
Namjoon wakes up in his bed the next day. He is severely confused. The last thing he remembers is getting slapped. He touches his cheek, which still leaves some kind of sting.
Namjoon goes back to the underground a week later. He never saw those guys again.
He blacks out a few more times after that and then tries to convince his parents that something is wrong with him and he should go to a doctor. They just scoff and tell him to go do his homework. If he tried to argue, they would yell at him to not talk back to his elders. It was very annoying. One afternoon, when he was just 14 years old, he did manage to convince his mother, so they went. But the doctor just laughs in his face, and prescribes him medication for severe anxiety. His mother was not really surprised by his diagnosis, but he was crushed. However, he told himself that the doctor is the expert, so he should follow the order given to him.
A year later, he gets scouted by an agency after one of his performances in the underground. They want to form a hip hop group, with him as the first member. He was ecstatic. So he auditioned. He got in. Still, his parents didn’t like it but they let him go anyway. He started training and he met Min Yoongi, or Suga. They didn’t really get along at first and they would get into stupid arguments.
“Runch Randa is a dumb name. You should change it.” Yoongi says out of the blue.
“Huh?” Namjoon looks up from his notebook.
“You should think about changing your stage name. It doesn’t sound right anymore.”
“What are you talking about, hyung?” Namjoon stares at him. “I like my stage name!”
Yoongi frowns. “Do you? That was your name in the underground. We’re now in a soon-to-be hip hop group. Don’t you think you should change it?”
Namjoon sighs. “I mean, no? I’ve never thought about it, hyung. Just...you know what, I’m gonna go write somewhere else.” He gets up to leave.
“No, wait, Joon! Please stay.” Yoongi pleads for him.
But Namjoon is already out the door. “I’ll see you later, hyung.” He closes the door and leaves to go find some other quiet place to write.
Namjoon finds a conference room in their company building and decides to hide there. He starts writing again.
He’s right.
Namjoon stops writing. He looks around. “Hello? Is someone there?” He gently calls out. No one answers. He shrugs to himself and goes back to his work.
After awhile, he gets a headache. But it tends to happen when he concentrates too hard and doesn’t think about it too much. He starts to drift off. His eyes close for a solid 2 minutes. He starts blinking rapidly, then looks up.
The alter looks around the room. They look down at Namjoon’s piece of paper with lyrics written all over it. They smile. They take the pencil and start writing as steady as they can on the paper.
“He’s gonna love this.” They say, giggling.
Namjoon wakes up a little while later, his head laying on the table. He groans and sits up slowly, cracking his neck in the process. He looks at his phone for the time and his eyes go very wide. It’s late! He should be home by now. He has training the next morning.
He gets up quickly and scrambles to put everything away. He picks up the paper with the lyrics and almost shoves it in his bag when he notices something:
RAP MONSTER
Namjoon cocks his head to the side. Did he write this? Is this a new stage name idea? It’s not bad, he thinks.
He actually barely has time to think about it right now, so he shoves everything into his backpack and leaves for the dorms.
He and Yoongi apologize to each other later. Yoongi tells him he should have never brought it up, while Namjoon says that he shouldn’t have gotten upset with him and he will think about changing his name.
A few months later, he does. Rap Monster. He feels satisfied with it for now.
Jung Hoseok then joins the group. Then a few others. But training becomes hard and grueling, so those people leave. A few weeks later, the rappers have a meeting with their CEO and manager, who thinks that evolving the group from just a “hip hop trio” to a full on “idol group” would be best. They all reluctantly agree and the audition process continues on. He meets Kim Taehyung, a light and energetic kid. He makes everyone happy. Then comes the soon-to-be maknae of the group. Jeon Jungkook caught him off guard, coming into the dorms while Namjoon was in just his underwear. It was quite awkward but they got through the greetings just fine. Kim Seokjin, the oldest so far, joins the next day. Shy, but very nice. Then Park Jimin, recommended by Taehyung, joins a little while later. He’s a trained dancer, but is not much of a singer, so he’ll have to take lessons. They all start training together. He’s thankful that they all get along.
One day, Namjoon starts dissociating...hard. During dance practice too. He can’t seem to focus so he asks their choreographer for a 10-minute break. The choreographer is hesitant but he agrees, so Namjoon goes to drink about half of his water bottle and sits on the bench.
Suddenly, he feels...a presence. He’s sitting against the wall, so there is no one behind him. He feels really strange. Apparently that presence knows Namjoon is suspicious.
Can you hear me?
Namjoon audibly gasps. He clasps his hand to his mouth tightly. Thankfully, no one heard it.
“I’m going to go to the bathroom! Be right back.” Namjoon announces as he speed walks out the door and to the nearest bathroom.
He gets to the bathroom, shuts the door, and locks it. He leans against it. He exhales.
I’m still here.
Namjoon jumps. “Who?! Who is here?!” He looks around the bathroom for some invisible entity to make itself known.
The voice sighs. I am inside your head. I promise you that I will not hurt you. I am here to do the exact opposite. I’m here to protect you. Can you still hear me?
Namjoon nods slowly. “Am I going crazy?”
You are not. You have been through a lot of trauma, Namjoon. You may not remember it, but there are others here who do. They hold those memories for you, so you don’t have to.
“Oh...” Namjoon says, voice shaky.
This is a lot to take in. I understand. I have been trying to reach you for years, but you have always been too busy. Please, go back to your dance practice. I’ll watch.
Namjoon blinks. “I...yeah, okay.” He unlocks the door and heads back to the practice room. The choreo teacher calls time and they start again. Namjoon is reeling, but he does his best not to show it.
Yoongi comes up to Namjoon after practice. “Hey, are you feeling alright?”
Namjoon stiffens. “Uh, yeah. Why?”
“Well, you just seem like you have something on your mind. Do you wanna talk about it?” Yoongi asks.
Namjoon scoffs. “I’m fine, hyung. Just...anxiety, I guess.” Yoongi has told him about his depression, and Namjoon has told him about his anxiety. He’s told him about his diagnosis and his medicine. It turns out Yoongi has done the same, as well as seeing a therapist.
Yoongi nods. “Yeah, got it. Well, I’m gonna go to the studio for a bit if you want to join me.”
“No, I’m good. I think I’m gonna take a shower and head to bed.”
Yoongi adjusts his backpack. “Cool. I’ll see you later then.” He says, making his way to the door. Before he leaves, he turns around, crinkles his eyebrows.
“Can you get rid of that American accent, though? It’s kinda weird.” He says before he dashes off.
Namjoon is taken aback. He didn’t know he was doing that?
Oh, sorry.
Namjoon jumps again.
The very next day, Namjoon calls Bang PD, their CEO. He needs a doctor. A therapist? A professional! Somebody that can help him. Someone who will believe him. Like, yesterday.
Bang PD doesn’t question it. He trusts Namjoon, which is one of the reasons he chose Namjoon to be the leader. Namjoon is strong and more than capable of leading the team. So he sets up an appointment for Namjoon to meet with a psychiatrist. He assumes that’s the right person to call, given Namjoon’s symptoms that the rapper listed out for him. He is worried for the kid, but Namjoon himself does not know what is wrong with him and he sounded scared over the phone. He’ll do anything to help. He just hopes that Namjoon will be alright.
Eighteen-year-old Kim Namjoon sits in the room, completely in awe with the situation.
Dr. Chen finishes with the list of things required with the disorder.
“Does this sound like what you were experiencing?” Dr. Chen asks.
“Oh my god...uh, y-yes! All of it! Ugh, finally! Someone who believes me!” Namjoon exclaims.
Dr. Chen frowns. “I could never understand why people think this disorder isn’t real.” He sighs. “My apologies. Well, Kim Namjoon, I believe you. I will write up your diagnosis as Dissociative Identity Disorder. I will also suggest a therapist that treats people with D.I.D. He is very good. I will also give Mr. Bang a call. It looks like this disorder isn’t interrupting your work, so you may continue with that. Just be careful. Do you understand?”
Namjoon nods fast. “Yes, sir. I understand. Thank you so much!” They shake hands and Namjoon is taken back to the dorms feeling...relieved.
He gets a call from Bang PD before he goes to bed.
“Dissociative Identity Disorder?” Bang PD asks. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, sir. I am.”
“That is all I needed to hear. Now Namjoon, if you feel this job is too much, say it now.” Bang PD warns.
Namjoon doesn’t even hesitate. “No, sir. This is what I have been wanting to do for a very long time. I can’t control what will happen from here on out, but I will do my best to make sure that it doesn’t interfere with this job.”
Bang PD is silent for a few seconds. “Ok. I understand. Dr. Chen told me the symptoms and what you need to do. I will call the therapist he recommended and get you scheduled so you can see him as soon as possible.”
Namjoon smiles. “Thank you, sir.”
“Take care of yourself, Namjoon. This industry is stressful.”
“I am well aware of that. But I am ready.”
“Good. One more thing, though.”
“What is it, sir?”
“Will you tell your bandmates about this?” Bang PD asks.
“I don’t know them that well yet. So...not right now. The timing has to be right and I have to trust them enough to let them in. I’m sorry if that’s not the answer you wanted, PD-nim.”
Bang PD sighs. “No, but I understand where you’re coming from. Just..” He sighs. “Be careful, alright?”
“Yes, sir. I will.”
“Okay. Good night, Namjoon.”
“Good night, PD-nim.” They hang up. Namjoon does his nightly routine and goes to bed.