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The way they had ended their Skype call the night before had left Robbe with a feeling of unease. Not sure if Sander and he were okay, he turned to the one other person in whom he could confide about such a topic.
His call with Milan had helped, it was good seeing his former roommate and self-proclaimed guru again. It had put some of his worries at ease, the way Milan could talk about such topics was something that Robbe admired. He knew that he himself would never be able to be so comfortable talking about such private matters so openly. Still, talking in such a direct manner had felt like a breath of fresh air. Something that he and Sander still had to work on some more.
They had sent each other the occasional text during the day, but even in written text, Robbe thought could sense some tension. He mulled over the advice Milan had given, yet he knew that the only way to stop stressing about it was by actually talking to Sander. He looks for his phone that is buried somewhere in the covers on his bed and opens his text messages.
'Hey, you still awake? Want to Skype?'
He sends it, not expecting a response for a few minutes. Sander surprises him as the text bubble almost immediately appears. Robbe finds himself pushing his thumb against his front teeth - a nervous habit he had developed.
'Amai Mr Ijzermans, I'm always up for seeing that beautiful face of yours'
He releases a breath he didn't know he was holding. He doesn't know why he is so nervous about talking to his own boyfriend, but at the same time, he sees it as a sign that he really does need to talk this through with Sander and can't just ignore it. The tone of the text Sander sent already manages to calm some of the nerves he feels buzzing under his skin. Instead of responding to Sander he rises from his bed and grabs his laptop from where he left it on his desk. For a moment he looks around his room, thinking of the best place to have this conversation, but decides that he might as well make himself the comfortable. He straightens out his bed covers and situates himself propped up against the wall with his laptop open on his stretched out legs.
The Skype app is still open from when he called Milan a few hours ago and he navigates to his chat with Sander. For a moment he hovers with the cursor over the call button, but quickly tells himself to stop being a baby about it, and calls Sander.
It takes a moment for the call the be answered, but when Sander does he seems to be in a bit of a rush. He is walking through the doorway to his room and closes the door behind him, "I still have to boot up my laptop, just give me a moment." Again, his tone is light, no indication whatsoever that he may be upset and the nagging feeling that Robbe may be overreacting comes back. Maybe he is putting way too much weight on the whole situation?
But still, where they normally would fill the silence with dumb jokes or comments, now they are almost completely silent as Sander goes to get his laptop and start it up. After a moment of silence that seems to last a beat too long, Sander clears his throat, "I'm gonna hang up on my phone now, and call you back in a second on my laptop, okay?"
Almost as soon as the call ends, there is a new incoming call from Sander. Robbe accepts and sees Sander on the screen making himself comfortable lying on his bed, too. The sight makes him smile. Sander's hair is getting on the side of being too long, making it like a wild mane around his face.
"Nice hairdo," he comments with a teasing smile, "very in-style from what I've been seeing around." Sander huffs out a laugh, pushing his hand through his hair, messing it up even more than it already was, "Yeah? You like it?" He asks, posing with a ridiculous look on his face, his lips pursed.
Robbe laughs while shaking his head, wondering how he managed to find such a goof for a boyfriend, "Very much, yeah." Sander smiles, pushing his hair down in an attempt to tame it.
Leaning back, Sander fixes him with an intense look. Almost instantly the nerves that Robbe had momentarily forgotten return in full force, making him cast his eyes down. He takes a calming breath, "Hey, do you think- I mean, could we…" his voice trails off, unsure how to approach the subject of last night. Sander seems to sense his hesitation, "You okay? Is this about last night?"
This makes Robbe look back up at Sander again, making eye contact, "Erm, yeah. Could we - maybe, you know - talk about it for a bit?" Sander's voice is soft as he responds "yeah, I think that would be a good idea," before Robbe can manage to say anything, Sander quickly continues, "I'm sorry if I pushed you last night. I should have waited for you to initiate it, or at least checked beforehand if you would be okay with something like that."
"No, no, please don't be sorry. I mean, you stopped as soon as you knew that I wasn't into it, so you really didn't push me. And you did ask me," He is quick to assure Sander, "But it's just, I - It's not that I don't want to do that with you, I just - I don't know - I don't feel comfortable in a way? I guess? I don't really know how to explain it." For a moment Sander just looks at him, before he opens his mouth, "Could you try to? Explain it, I mean?"
Robbe sighs, his eyes darting around his room before he looks back at Sander on his screen. "I was never a fan of touching other people and having people touch me, you know? Even in a platonic or friendly way. Before you and I got serious, I used to shy away from people - or at least from most people," His eyes are cast downwards to where he is wringing his hand nervously together, "It's only after you and I got serious, and now that my mom is back home, that I am starting to re-learn to enjoy being touched and touching someone else, you know?" Sensing that he is rambling, he adds an unsure, "Does that make any sense? It feels like I'm being way too dramatic about all this," he laughs nervously while looking back up at Sander.
"No, of course you're not being dramatic, you know you can be honest with me. No judgement here. But, what does that have to do with last night?" he asks softly.
"It's just that I love touching you, and I miss being with you like crazy, I mean, you know that, right?," he can feel the blush appear on his cheeks, "and I love what we have done so far, but sex is something private for me. And it feels like cybersex takes away some of that privacy, in a way." He forces himself to keep looking at Sander, gauging his reaction.
Sander is looking at him with a look Robbe can't quite place, but he nods for Robbe to continue, so he does.
"It's like - when we are together I can always lose myself in you and in your touch. You get me out of my head and into the moment, and I love that. But when this screen is between us, I just feel so aware of myself. I mean - I can see myself on the screen, and seeing myself in such a way just feels weird. And also - I don't know why - but it feels as if the chances of someone walking in on us is so much higher when we are Skyping than when we are actually together, even though I know that doesn't make any sense, it just doesn't really help to get in the right mood." Not knowing what else to say, he huffs out a breath and looks at Sander, hoping he would know what to say now.
Sander opens and closes his mouth a few times, a somewhat conflicted look in his eyes. "Robbe, you know - please tell me you know that you are in no way obliged to do anything you're not comfortable with over Skype, right? It's not expected of you just because you are my boyfriend, okay?" Sander sounds almost desperate. "I know I can be a bit intense at times, and may not be too quick to notice something being wrong, but I would never want to force yourself into anything you wouldn't enjoy."
"No, of course, I know that, but I just feel like I owe you an explanation. I mean, most guys my age would love if their lief would want to have cybersex, and here I am being all awkward about it. And like - I just wanted you to know that it had nothing to do with you, but I just don't think I could feel sexy -" he can feel the blush returning to his face "-doing anything over Skype. Or at least not yet."
For some reason, this brings a smile to Sander's face, "How you fail to see how incredibly attractive you are, still amazes me. I mean - look at you!", he makes a gesture towards the screen with an incredulous look in his eyes, "You may not see it, but you are so fucking hot." Feeling flustered by Sander's words, and not knowing how to respond, he sighs out a soft "Sander…"
"Yeah, what? Just stating facts here," he holds his hands up in mock surrender, "But, all jokes aside we really don't have to do anything during this whole lockdown situation. I'm sure I'll manage till I can see you again. But, just know that when I do get my hands on you after all this, I'm not leaving you for a week straight. Maybe two. Okay? Only bathroom breaks allowed." Sander's eyes are dancing with mirth, and this finally seems to put Robbe's worries at ease. The 'incident' of the previous night no longer being the elephant in the room now that he shared his thoughts with Sander.
He feels a sense of pride swell in his chest, "We're getting pretty good at this, aren't we?" He smiles. "At what?" Sander asks, a puzzled look on his face. "At this, you know? Talking. Communicating. Not making this into a bigger problem than it needs to be."
"Yeah, we're a pretty good team."