Work Text:
Sitting down I stare at the ceiling, waiting. Do you remember how many times we saw it together?
Slowly it appears; that shadow, ethereal proof of an invisible world.
A world you belong to by now.
I see the surface wrinkle for a moment and I know it's you; I feel it in my heart, even before the sharp pain in my head confirms it.
The pain I feel every time you come closer brings relief. I hope it never goes away, because I fear that, sooner or later, you may decide to not come back. For my sake.
I glance at the garden, but you're already at my side.
- Happy birthday, Takashi- I whisper.
Saying more wouldn't make sense; you and I both know what really matters.
In the reflection, I see the shadow of the fish leaping out of the water, and I imagine clear drops sparkling in the sunshine.
In the end, I never asked you what colour it is.
Now I don't want to know. It doesn't matter anymore. I love it as it is.
Its colour belongs to your world. Not mine.
You know, sometimes I wonder if that day – the day I opened my eyes to life again – whether it was really life that you granted me… Or just with a sweeter death.
The days that flow while I wait for you feel like that. In this empty house that we should have shared.
It's only when we meet that I feel my heart beating again; blood flowing, sounds brightening, the world surrounding me as I become able to see its colours once more.
Briefly melancholy permeates me, driven away by the intense happiness of having you near me, if only for a few hours.
It's like this every time you come near. My heart rate increases, even if it's just for a handful of minutes or the span of a breath.
Can you imagine how precious these moments are for me?
I realize how naive of a thought that is an instant later.
Isn't it the same for you, who shares my feelings?
I remember proudly that I was the one who got you to understand the importance of reciprocity. That you have the same value to those you love that they have to you.
Since then you became less selfish; you began to accept that people could not always smile – sometimes they even need to cry with you.
I feel my body growing weaker, but I hide it, so that our meeting may last that little bit longer.
Minutes pass. Did I manage to deceive you? Or did you grant me more time?
Soon, you will go, but the day will come when I'll be the one to leave you alone.
When that time comes, however, we will have warning. Maybe that will make it less heartbreaking.
I won't be able to hear you scream at me to not leave, or to see your tears, or to feel your trembling arms around me. But I know it won't be like that because you're getting stronger.
Now I understand that I didn't fool you. That you stayed anyway consciously, like you wouldn't have once done.
I close my eyes, and my head is spinning. I can't pretend anymore; I know that soon, my body will slide to the floor, in the transitory darkness that follows every one of your visits.
I feel the cold, light breath of wind that is your lips on mine, and I know that you are about to leave.
I reach out with my hand, and I feel your fingers on mine, brushing over like a cool breeze.
A bitter, sharp pain – different, and deeper that physical pain - it rises in my heart, but I smile, because I now know for sure that you'll be back to me.
And I will wait for you, till I have life.
Always.