Work Text:
Ernie and Bert’s apartment in the evening. Ernie is at the table, eating. Rubber Ducky sits next to him. Bert enters.
ERNIE
Hello, Bert!
BERT
Hello, Ernie. What’s for dinner?
ERNIE
Well, today we learned the letter “P”, Bert. So we have potatoes, pickles, and purple prunes!
Bert sits down, decidedly unenthusiastic.
BERT
That’s… great, Ernie.
Bert shovels some potatoes onto his plate and looks at them sadly.
BERT
Say, Ernie, do we have anything else to eat? I’m in the mood for something sweet.
ERNIE
Well, I think we have some leftover onions from the letter “O”.
Bert sighs. He fidgets with his fork, and then takes a deep breath.
BERT
Ernie, I have something to tell you.
ERNIE
Oh, what’s that, Bert?
BERT
Well, Ernie--
Ernie picks up Rubber Ducky and begins to feed him potatoes.
ERNIE
Do you like those potatoes, Rubby Ducky? The potatoes like you! (sings) “Rubby Ducky, they are awfully fond of you…”
BERT
Ernie!
ERNIE
What’s that, Bert?
BERT
Could you stop feeding the plastic duck and listen to me for a minute?
Ernie puts down the Rubber Ducky.
ERNIE
Sure, Bert. (to Rubber Ducky) Just a minute, Rubber Ducky, Bert wants to say something.
BERT
Ernie… this is really hard for me to say.
ERNIE
Why, Bert? Is it a big word?
BERT
No… not that kind of hard. Ernie… it’s over.
Ernie is oblivious.
ERNIE
What’s over, Bert?
Bert gestures around him.
BERT
This.
ERNIE
But I haven’t cleaned my plate yet, Bert!
Bert stands up from the table.
BERT
No, not dinner, Ernie, this! All of this. Us. You and Me. It’s over.
Ernie tries to take this in.
ERNIE (in a small voice)
Over with an “O”?
BERT
Over with an “O”.
ERNIE
But… but, why?
BERT
“Why”’s not important, Ernie, I just—
Ernie rises as he speaks.
ERNIE
““Why”’s not important?? WHY’S NOT IMPORTANT?? What about YAKS?? Or YO-YOS?? Or YELLOW?? OR YOU???
BERT
Ernie—
ERNIE
No. NO! “Why” IS important, Bert, and you have to tell me WHY!!
BERT
Ernie… there’s somebody else.
ERNIE
Somebody else?? We’ve been together for forty years, and one day you just find SOMEBODY ELSE???
BERT
Things can change a lot in forty years, Ernie!
ERNIE
Not us, Bert! Not us! Dammit, we haven’t changed our shirts since 1969!!
Bert steels himself.
BERT
I’m sorry, Ernie. But I’m moving in with Cookie Monster.
ERNIE
Wait—what?
BERT
I’m sorry, Ernie. It just happened.
ERNIE
Cookie?
BERT
We met, and he offered me a glass of milk…
ERNIE
Cookie??
BERT
Before I knew it, we were snacking, and laughing…
ERNIE
COOKIE????
BERT (tenderly)
Starts with “C”.
Heavy pause.
ERNIE
So let me get this straight, Burt. We eat together, sleep together, live together for forty years, and out of the two-hundred puppets on this block, you skip out on me to shack up with a shag carpet with a sugar addiction???
BERT (defiantly)
It’s good enough for me! (sighs) I really am sorry, Ernie. I never meant for this to happen.
Ernie looks at Bert for a long moment, and before our eyes, transforms into a version of Ernie never before seen on Sesame Street.
ERNIE
Sorry? (laughs) Oh, you’ll be sorry all right. You’ll be really sorry. Because you aren’t going anywhere… Bertram.
BERT (a bit intimidated)
What… what do you mean, Ernie?
ERNIE
Oh, I think you know what I mean.
BERT
You can’t stop me!
ERNIE
Oh yes I can, Bert. Because I know a word that starts with “C” too; and that’s... contract.
BERT
You wouldn’t!
ERNIE
Oh, wouldn’t I? You listen to me, pal, and you listen good. You say one word, one word, and I don’t care which letter of the alphabet it starts with, to ANYONE about this little fling of yours, and I call in the big guys so fast, that little banana head of yours is gonna spin right off your flabby felt shoulders!!
BERT
The… the big guys?
ERNIE
Oh, you know. The lawyers. The judges. The policemen… and of course… the Swedish Chef.
The yellow drains from Bert’s face.
BERT (whispers in horror)
The Swedish Chef?
ERNIE
The. Swedish. Chef. How long do you think your big blue friend would last without that endless cookie supply, huh? A day? A week? Might be fun to find out, don’t you think?
BERT You can’t do this! I won’t let you! I… I have rights!!
Ernie laughs, a sound that would chill a thousand parents into tossing their tubes to the curb in less than a minute.
ERNIE
This is showbiz, Bert. Nobody has rights.
Bert stares at Ernie in horror.
ERNIE
Now. You’re going to sit down.
Ernie stares at Bert until Bert hesitantly sits.
ERNIE
Good. And now… (scoops prunes from the bowl and splats them down onto Bert’s plate) you’re going to eat your prunes. Your perfect purple prunes. Because today, (Ernie sits and begins to ease back into the old, eerily familiar Ernie manner) today, we’re learning about the letter “P”. Do you know any words that start with the letter “P”, Bert?
Bert swallows hard.
BERT
Pass the potatoes, please.
ERNIE
My pleasure, Bert.
THE END.