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1.
Like everyone else in this world, Joshua's marks have been stamped on his wrist for as long as he can remember.
But what he can't remember, no matter how hard he tries, is who first spoke his words, and when it finally turned into that bittersweet shade of white instead of the pitch-black he's gotten so used to seeing. It surely isn't his fault, not when the two words written on his skin is what could possibly be the most generic thing anyone could ever say to him. Because absolutely no one would look at what's written on his wrist and go, oh how lucky, your words are so unique!
Unfortunately for him.
Not when he's been told time and time again on how his words are something special, something profound, only for it to be a mere hi, Joshua!
More often than not, he finds himself wondering what abominable thing he had done in his past life to be cursed like this.
It's downright infuriating, to know with full confidence that he's already met his soulmate, but doesn't have a single clue on who that person may be. No one he's met so far has reacted with wide eyes or flushed cheeks or surprised gasps spilling from their lips whenever he introduces himself. Of course, maybe it's a little too much to ask for someone to act so obviously, but Joshua still finds himself holding on to that sliver of hope.
He's already eighteen, and almost everyone he knows has already found their soulmate. Usually, people would either have ran into or met their soulmate when they're fifteen, so the fact that Joshua is still looking for the coward that won't fess up that the both of them are bound by the strings of fate is ultimately vexing to no end.
The only other person Joshua knows who hasn't found their soulmate yet is Jeonghan.
A whole tragedy, if he does say so himself.
Jeonghan, his stupid best friend who's got girls in college chasing for his attention left, right, and center with chocolates and love letters in hand, hearts sprinkled in their starstruck eyes as they scream for him to notice them. Joshua is positive none of those girls are actually Jeonghan's soulmate — he'd like to think that the other boy would tell him something as important as finding his certain someone.
And yet… Joshua can't help but feel a strange throb somewhere deep in his chest whenever Jeonghan would flirt back with the cascade of girls surrounding him in the hallways.
And, oh, how Jeonghan loves to flirt.
"I don't actually like any of those girls, Shua," Jeonghan had told him once, when Joshua had asked why the other boy wouldn't just date one of them already in what he hoped — and still hopes — was in a completely casual, nonchalant manner. It's dumb of him to be hoping for something like that, he knows. "Think of it as practice. I'm just doing this for when I meet my real soulmate, so I can sweep them off of their feet and they'll fall for me even more."
And Joshua had rolled his eyes, scrunching his nose in distaste. "What fool would fall for you?" he retorted, laughing when Jeonghan had smacked his arm.
It's a complete and utter tragedy though, because the hours would turn to days and days would turn to weeks and Jeonghan still hasn't left Joshua's side, and Joshua's starting to realize more and more how, truth be told, Jeonghan isn't as bad looking as he teases the older boy to be.
He must be a fool.
2.
Joshua first met Jeonghan when he was six.
He barely spoke the language, having arrived fresh from America, but his mom had thought it was a perfectly good idea for her son to attend first grade regardless.
In hindsight, he met Jeonghan because of it, so maybe it was a perfectly good idea.
He'd walked into his class all careful and conscious, his limbs too long and his head too big for his body, and Joshua had introduced himself to the other raging six-year olds in the room the way his mom taught him to in his faulty limited Korean.
"You can go sit over there, Joshua, beside Jeonghan," his teacher had told him, gently leading him down the rows of tables, before finally stopping at an empty seat near the back. The boy beside his supposed seat — Jeonghan, apparently — had flashed him a wide grin. Joshua could quite clearly make out the seven missing teeth the other boy had.
"Hi, Joshua!" Jeonghan waved brightly, and Joshua's heart had nearly stopped, because those words were etched across his wrist in beautiful messy characters. But then he remembered he'd already come across a hundred other strangers who greeted him the same way, so it's barely a revelation.
Jeonghan continued to gesture excitedly for Joshua to sit down beside him and, not having much of a choice, he did, cautiously setting his backpack down and plopping down on the plastic chair. A tiny frown had tugged at his lips once he took a closer look at the other boy. He leaned towards Jeonghan's, cupping his mouth against the other boy's ear.
"There's something in your nose," he had whispered in that authoritative, straightforward voice six-year olds often have. Once he made his claim, he settled back into his chair, pointing an accusing finger at Jeonghan's nose.
He watched as Jeonghan's eyes shot up in surprise, an embarrassed flush flooding his cheeks as he ducked down to remove the intruder from his nose.
Once he'd finished up with his business, he glanced back up at Joshua, a sheepish smile on his face.
"I'm Jeonghan," he had introduced, extending out a hand. Joshua hoped that isn't the same hand he used to pick his nostril.
"I know," he said, lightly slapping Jeonghan's outstretched hand in a high-five sort of way instead of shaking it. Jeonghan seemed to be fine with it, so Joshua continued. "The teacher told me."
"Oh." Jeonghan pouted a little at that, before visibly perking up again, eyes wide as he smiled at Joshua. "Do you wanna be friends?"
"Friends?"
"Yeah," Jeonghan said. "It's like-" he paused, scratching his neck with a single finger, "-we do things together. Make each other laugh. That kind of thing, you know?"
"I know what friends mean, Jeonghan." Joshua sighed. Even at the young age of six, he could already tell the other boy would be… high maintenance.
His mom taught him that word. Joshua wondered if he used it correctly.
"So... do you wanna be friends, then?"
Joshua thought for a while. He glanced back at Jeonghan, leaning forward with eager eyes, and he felt a small smile tweak at his lips.
"Being friends sounds nice," he said, and Jeonghan had whooped for joy.
Their teacher scolded them for being too loud, but Joshua was six, and he didn't really care.
It was the start of a beautiful friendship.
A beautiful friendship that, thinking about it now, Joshua wonders why he let bloom. Especially when he knows with absolute confidence that Jeonghan would cause all sorts of trouble for him.
Nevertheless, they stuck by each other's side for years, as if they were conjoined by the hip, and Joshua found himself liking Jeonghan's company.
Maybe a little too much.
3.
Summer break has started, he doesn't have any shifts for the day, and so far Joshua's plan of doing absolutely nothing is going great.
But of course, somewhere in the back of his head, he knows the universe would never let him enjoy his tiny moment of peace for too long.
So when a certain Yoon Jeonghan comes knocking at his door at 8 in the fucking morning asking if they could go watch the new Ice Age movie that came out, Joshua is less than surprised.
"Do you really have to be asking me for this though?" he complains, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he watches Jeonghan hunt through his closet for something clean to wear.
"You're my best friend, Shua," is the other boy's simple reply as he turns back to look at him, before continuing his search for decent clothes as he digs deeper into Joshua's wardrobe.
Joshua's quick to bite back a smile at the answer. He clears his throat, looking away and wondering why the hell his cheeks feel so warm.
"I get that, Jeonghan," he says instead, covering up a yawn. "But Ice Age? Aren't there other, you know, better movies or anything?"
Jeonghan completely abandons his closet at this, turning a complete 180 and shooting him a glare. "Shua, oh my God," he demands, but there's a grin quirking at the corners of his mouth, and they both know all too well that he isn't mad. "Don't you dare insult the masterpiece that is the Ice Age series."
And with that concluding statement, the older boy continues ravaging Joshua's poor closet, nearly half of his clothes scattered pitifully on the floor. "Christ, Shua," Jeonghan mutters, pulling aside one of his favorite hoodies and shaking his head at it in distaste. Joshua almost feels insulted. "Why do you have so many black clothes? It's not like you're constantly going to funerals or anything."
"Well, excuse me if I can't find the energy, or time for that matter, to go around looking like multicolored vomit," he shoots back, gesturing towards the yellow and red checkered shirt Jeonghan's got on, paired with a thin purple jacket and dark blue jeans. It's atrocious really, but he still looks amazing and Joshua wants to punch him. "Looking good takes way too much effort. I don't have it in me."
"That's dumb," Jeonghan says, finally deciding on taking out a pair of whitewashed ripped jeans and a plain navy shirt. "I don't know what you're talking about. You always look good."
"I- What?"
"Here, put this on." Jeonghan practically shoves the clothes into Joshua's arms, and Joshua can't help but feel the tinest smile growing on his face when he sees the faint pink tinge dusted on the older boy's cheeks.
But Jeonghan whips his head to the side way too early before Joshua could get a better look, which is probably for the better. Joshua almost thought he was cute. That could have been bad.
"Don't take too long," Jeonghan says over his head, walking towards the door, but his voice is nearly a pitch higher than what it normally sounds like. "I don't wanna be late for the movie."
"Of course, sweetheart," Joshua says with a grin, bursting into laughter when a whole squeak slips from the older boy, and Jeonghan slams the door behind him.
Joshua must be going crazy, because that-
That was kinda cute.
"Are you crying?"
"Shut up," Jeonghan sniffles, hand reaching in for the popcorn on Joshua's lap. "I just think it's kinda sweet how they're all working together to stop that dumb meteor."
"Oh my God," Joshua breathes out, slouching deeper down his seat. "Yoon Jeonghan, you're such a sap. Jesus."
Jeonghan turns to glare at him then, all puffy eyes and red nose, and Joshua has to stifle the impending laugh threatening to escape.
His hand waves it's way through the dark, grabbing for some more of their steadily decreasing popcorn, only to jolt back in surprise at the contact of the soft back of Jeonghan's hand against his fingertips.
He's being stupid, because why on earth does he feel a blush tinting his cheeks, goddamn. Sparing a quick glance at Jeonghan, he prays the other boy hadn't noticed his brisk moment of panic. Thank God for friends who cry over animated movies, because Jeonghan's tear-stained eyes remain fixated on the screen, and Joshua heaves a quiet sigh of relief.
Honestly speaking, Joshua isn't all too interested in the movie. He isn't too sure how he managed to hold out for this long, but now his ass is starting to feel sore and his limbs are starting to feel heavy. And so, not wanting to fall asleep when they're already so far into the film, he lets his gaze wander a bit, to the families and couples around him, colored streaks of words along their wrists catching his eyes. None of them are close enough to read, so he tries to catch a peep at Jeonghan's words, only to be greeted with the familiar sight of the older boy's bracelet, hiding any traces of his mark.
A sigh tumbles out of him before he has time to push it back down his throat. Luckily for him, Jeonghan is awfully engrossed in whatever scene is playing right now. Unluckily for him, once his eyes have landed on the other boy, Joshua finds it terribly hard to pull away.
He stares at his best friend for a little too long, at the delicate curve of his eyelashes, to the pretty shape of his nose, the sharp line of his jaw, until finally his eyes land on Jeonghan's lips, pink and parted and looking impossibly soft-
His train of thought slams to a stop, realizing a minute too late that Jeonghan's staring back at him, an amused glint dancing in his eyes.
Shit. Now it's weird.
Forcing his voice to work again, Joshua tilts his chin up defiantly at the older boy. "What?"
"What, yourself," Jeonghan huffs, arching a sole brow. "You were the one staring at me."
Joshua finds himself spluttering, heat rising up his neck and into his cheeks. "I wasn't staring!"
"It looked an awful lot like you were staring," Jeonghan hums, and Joshua wonders why the other boy's attention is on him and not the movie. He's probably overthinking. "Something wrong?"
"Nope."
"Come on," Jeonghan giggles, prodding him on the chest with two gentle fingers. "What's up? Have I finally made you fall in love with me?"
Wait. What?
Joshua thinks his brain might have started short-circuiting at this point, what with the way little sparks are going off all over his body, but Jeonghan doesn't need to know that.
"Oh, please." He scoffs instead, rolling his eyes and desperately hoping the theater is dark enough to cover up the relentless flame on his cheeks. "I could make an alphabetical list of possible insults just for you."
Jeonghan shakes his head, turning his gaze back to the screen. "That's just mean, Shua."
They watch the last few minutes of the movie in silence, but Joshua can't help it when, every so often, he finds his eyes slowly turning to stare back at the boy beside him.
And he certainly can't help it when, every so often, he finds his eyes drifting down to Jeonghan's lips once more.
And he absolutely cannot help it when, every so often, he finds himself wondering what Jeonghan's lips would feel like pressed against his own.
4.
When Joshua first asked Jeonghan about his soulmate mark, they were ten.
They were camped out on the other boy's ridiculously nice rooftop, their sleeping bags side by side as they gazed upon the starlit sky.
It's been four years since they've met, four years for them to grow closer than ever before. Slowly, Jeonghan's things became their things and Joshua's space became their space. They were almost inseparable.
At ten, Joshua liked to think that they've become a single entity, their souls merging into one.
And yet…
They weren't soulmates.
Joshua could almost find home in the way Jeonghan held his palm, tracing shapes and numbers and words with his fingertips. It tickled a bit at first, but Joshua got used to it enough to find it comforting.
They were quiet for a while, until he finally gathered up the tiny pieces of his courage. He shifted in his sleeping bag, turning to look at Jeonghan beside him.
"Jeonghan?"
Their eyes found each other in the dark, a soft smile curving on the corners of the older boys lips. "Yeah?"
Joshua took in a breath. And then, "Why won't you show me your mark?"
The drawings on his hand stilled to a stop. He waited, but Jeonghan was quiet for a moment too long, and Joshua hoped the other boy wasn't mad at the question. Hesitantly, he reached for the other boy's left wrist, gently circling around the thin black bracelet covering up the words engraved upon the delicate skin.
"Do you not want me to see?" he asked softly, and Jeonghan shook his head.
"It's not that, Shua," the other boy replied, his voice nearly drowned out by the busy city noise around them. He took custody of Joshua's hand once again, and Joshua felt Jeonghan scrawl their names against his skin."It's just… I hated it. The whole idea of soulmates sounded like a whole lot of bull. I didn't like the idea of it, how we're all forced onto this one person as if it'd all magically work out between us. I didn't like how, if you fell for someone who isn't your soulmate, then everyone acts as if you'd just committed the biggest sin known to mankind."
Jeonghan looked up at him, a tiny smile on his face. Joshua had wondered why it looked so sad. "Did you know, Shua, that my parents aren't soulmates? They were friends, and they grew to love each other more than they ever thought they could, but they aren't soulmates. Everyone treated them like outcasts when they found out. It's dumb of society to do that, isn't it?"
Joshua had nodded, because he never did like it when Jeonghan was sad. But he couldn't keep his stupid mouth shut, the words tumbling from his lips as he asked, "But… you spoke in past tense. You said you didn 't like the idea of it. Do you- Do you like the idea of it now?"
Heaving a sigh, Jeonghan turned his gaze back to the sky. It was a little too wistful, and Joshua had reached up, silently wiping the threatening tears from the other boy's eyes.
"That's the scary part," Jeonghan had whispered, a tremble in his lower lip. "I've thought about it for a few weeks now. And then really thought about it these past few days, trying to make sense of what I feel. I think- I think it doesn't sound half as bad as I thought it to be, especially when I got to see how happy Seungkwan and Vernon are as soulmates. It sounds… kinda nice. To have someone love me like that. As if we're two halves of one whole."
"But then again," he continued, chest heaving. "I don't want to be with someone just because destiny said so or whatever. I want to love that person on my own accord, to slowly fall in love with them for who they are. Does that make sense?"
Joshua reached up to brush back the stray hairs from Jeonghan's face, smiling at the other boy as he nodded.
"My future soulmate must think I'm the worst person in the world for not wanting them," the older boy said through a sigh, and Joshua huffed out an amused laugh.
"I'm sure your soulmate will understand. Who knows? Maybe they're nice," Joshua told the other, breathing a little bit easier when Jeonghan flashed him a tentative grin. A playful smile had started to bloom on his face then, and he lightly shoved the older boy. "Unlike you, you piece of trash."
Jeonghan laughed a little at this, placing the hand that isn't scribbling on Joshua's skin to his chest in mock hurt. "You're mean as ever, Shua," he said, shaking his head in defeat. But even in the darkness, Joshua could still clearly make out the grin that grew on Jeonghan's face.
"Will you show me your soulmate mark though? If it's okay?" he asked, after they've settled into a few seconds of comfortable silence.
"Someday," Jeonghan promised. "When I'm ready."
He never asked about Jeonghan's mark again after that.
5.
Joshua has never noticed just how distracting Jeonghan is until now.
He thinks he's better off without knowing that, because now that it's rooted in his head, it only continues to grow and grow and Joshua wants to ram his head on the nearest hard surface.
So when Jeonghan comes to pick him up for the part-time job they've recently gotten at this diner downtown that evening, the white dress shirt they're obliged to wear as their uniform pulling taunt against the lean defined planes of the older boy's chest, it's almost a little too much for Joshua to handle.
It's not like Jeonghan's extremely buff; his biceps don't bulge out of his shirts and his midriff isn't loaded with flawless 12-pack abs, but that's besides the point. He's more long and lithe, back muscles stretching under the spread of pale skin dotted with freckles along his shoulders, and it definitely isn't helpful how, the thin fabric of Jeonghan's shirt is nearly transparent, so Joshua is forced to suffer as his eyes are constantly drawn to the map of delicate skin peeking through the cloth's barriers.
Joshua can't stop looking at it, at him, and the slow dawning of it all sends his mind into a whirl.
It's very, very distracting.
"Careful," Jihoon mumbles as he passes by, a tray full of food in his hands. "You're staring again."
Joshua swallows down a dry cough, dragging his eyes away from Jeonghan at the counter, greeting and smiling at the customers that have just walked through the door. "I know. Please don't remind me."
Jihoon stops to look at him, gaze piercing and calculating, and Joshua tries not to wither under his probing eyes. He feels like his friend can see right through his head, which is bad because the only thing running through his head are thoughts of Jeonghan and that godforsaken shirt being torn off his body.
Joshua's eyebrows nearly shoot up to his hairline at the realization.
What is wrong with him?
"You know," Jihoon starts slowly, handing the tray over to Wonwoo for it to be delivered to God knows what table. Joshua finds himself padding after him. "It's perfectly okay to experiment with a few other people before settling with your soulmate."
"Okay," is all Joshua replies, pointedly avoiding Jihoon's scrutinizing gaze. He throws what he hopes is another less obvious glance at Jeonghan, only to see the other boy disappearing into the back room. With a disappointed sigh, he turns back to Jihoon.
The younger boy raises a single, patronizing eyebrow at him. "Okay?" he repeats, and Joshua nods.
The hint of something softer, more gentle, starts to curve on Jihoon's face, a smile that Joshua only gets to spot when the other is with Soonyoung.
"That's good then," Jihoon says with a final nod of his head. "Jeonghan will be good to you. For you. Something like that."
"The only thing that damned bastard is good at is making my organs shut down. He'll give me heart attacks, and I'm too young for that."
Jihoon crosses his arms then, a sharp exhale puffing out of his nose. He's about to speak again when Jeonghan chooses that exact moment to intrude in their conversation, eyes sparkling with glee as he asks, "Who's giving Shua heart attacks?"
"No one," Joshua blurts out, a little too quickly, and he deliberately ignores the exasperated roll of Jihoon's eyes.
"Speaking of heart attacks," Seungcheol interrupts, manifesting out of thin air and nearly making Joshua jump out of his skin. "If none of you idiots take charge of the counter right now, then I swear I'm gonna get one. Then, once I've recovered, I'm gonna kick all your sorry asses out that door."
Joshua opens his mouth to sigh, before seeing the pointed glare Seungcheol's directing at him. He decides to clamp it back shut. "Sorry," he says, offering a sheepish smile. "I'll just... get to that now."
He awkwardly makes his way towards the cashier, beaming at the ongoing slaughter of customers and praying it doesn't look like a grimace. He's got way too much on his plate to be distracted by Yoon Jeonghan tonight.
He feels his fingers curl in embarrassment. That didn't come out right.
6.
Joshua was fourteen when he caught the glint of exposed, fair skin of Jeonghan's navel when the other boy had changed into a pair of his clothes in his bathroom, the door cracked open by the tiniest inch. mocking him. It definitely wasn't the first time he's seen the older boy shirtless, but Joshua still felt his face flush at the sight, and he quickly averted his gaze.
This must be the frustration of not having found his soulmate yet getting to him, he thought to himself in horror. He's finally resulted in latching onto his best friend.
Jeonghan came out a mere second later, flashing him a bright smile. Friends, Joshua reminded himself. Nothing more.
"Move," Jeonghan ordered, but it was delightedly round, all soft fond corners. He perched atop Joshua's bed as he scooted to the side, making space for the older boy.
Jeonghan sidled up beside him, and Joshua had to try to not lean into his warmth. Friends. Nothing more.
The other boy hummed contentedly, the sound trickling into his ears. Their legs brushed underneath their shared blanket, and Joshua didn't know why he freaked over it so much. "I miss hanging out with you like this," Jeonghan had told him, glancing back at him with flushed cheeks. "High school sucks."
And Joshua had simply nodded, the words dying in his throat because Jeonghan was agonizingly close, his citrusy scent overwhelming every particle of his body.
Jeonghan fell asleep soon after, but Joshua couldn't bring himself to do the same.
If Joshua's heart ticked upwards whenever Jeonghan nuzzled closer to his chest in that touchy-feely way the other boy has, whenever Jeonghan's legs linked tighter against his, whenever Jeonghan's warm breath brushed against his neck, Joshua made sure not to say anything.
Friends. Nothing more.
7.
It's nearing 4 in the afternoon when Joshua and Jeonghan head home from their morning shift, the both of them helping each other haul their exhausted bodies up the bus.
It's a Saturday, and the sun is coming close to scorching the land outside, but all Joshua can feel is the hot press of Jeonghan's arm against his own.
The idiot had assured him when they left, swearing that he's got enough sleep last night and he isn't the tiniest bit tired, but now Jeonghan is crashed and snoring on Joshua's shoulder. It's absolutely irritating how the older boy is starting to feel like all things warm and lovely at that moment, and the worst thing is, now Joshua has a responsibility to not jolt Jeonghan awake with all the bumps and dents in the road, and is left to steady his shoulder as best as he can.
He lets out a tiny sigh, eyes drifting down to his wrist. He's started wearing a bracelet now too, covering up the words that's supposed to mean the world to him, only to have it lose its significance with the way he’s heard them so many times.
His words aren't supposed to be something to feel ashamed of, but Joshua hides it anyway.
He knows Jeonghan has noticed the change, yet he didn't prod, although Joshua could nearly make out the questions wanting to roll off the older boy's tongue. The other boy has seen his mark before, hundreds of times, and Joshua knows Jeonghan must be itching to know why he's started concealing it.
And, frankly speaking, Joshua wants to know why Jeonghan hides his mark too. He wants to know what words are traced against Jeonghan's skin. It's entirely too rare, but there's a very slim, very miniscule chance that his words are written on Jeonghan's wrist. He remembers clearly after all, even if it was twelve whole years ago, that Jeonghan's very first words to him were an enthusiastic, creepily friendly hi, Joshua!
So surely, if Joshua remembers this, then Jeonghan must remember it too. His words may be the most boring thing that anyone could ever say to him, but he all too vividly recalls telling the other boy there's something in your nose.
It's kinda embarrassing, thinking about it now. He may have been six back then, but the embarrassment of pointing something like that out continues to poke at his head at the most unwanted times.
But still. Those words must have been startling enough that, if Joshua really was Jeonghan's soulmate, then Jeonghan would have found it out by now. And if it wasn't then…
Suddenly Joshua can't breathe. He chokes down a gasp of air, forcing it into his lungs. It’s never really occurred to him before, but it strikes him now more than ever that he’s never truly considered having a soulmate that isn’t Jeonghan.
Jeonghan's been by his side as long as he can remember. Honestly, everything that happened back in America, the majority of his childhood, had become this vague hazy blur. Even the pictures in his house are always of him and Jeonghan, together, memories of the both of them leaping out from desks and shelves and into the open. What happens when Jeonghan finds his soulmate, and Joshua finds his?
It doesn't feel right to think about Jeonghan not clinging onto him in the annoyingly endearing way of his. And Joshua can't help but think how strange, how empty it will feel when, once the other boy does find his soulmate, then he'll stop calling Joshua at the most ungodly hours of the morning, and will stop inviting him to sleepovers at his place despite the both of them knowing full well they're both too old for something so childish. The mere thought of Joshua dedicating and spending time with someone that isn't Jeonghan feels wrong.
Shit.
It's terrifying, to even think about that realization.
To think about how, a huge part of him has started liking the other boy; Jeonghan, who's smart and attractive and genuinely caring, but it's all buried under the facade of a shell he's grown to build around him.
But Joshua knows him. Under all that bravado and constant teasing, he knows Jeonghan cares way too much for his own good, and how he'd literally run the extra mile if it was for someone he loves.
He always did like that about the other boy.
Staring out at the afternoon sun from his window, Joshua sucks in a heavy breath.
He admits it. He likes Jeonghan, but just a tiny bit.
And he wonders if it's so wrong, to like someone like this when they aren't even your soulmate.
"You're awfully out of it today," a voice mumbles sleepily from his side. "Why do you keep sighing?"
Joshua jerks his head to the side so fast and so hard he almost gets whiplash, greeted with the sight of Jeonghan stifling a yawn as he lifts his head from his shoulder and stretches his arms above his head, and Joshua has to force his eyes to stay on Jeonghan's face and not at the exposed strip of skin above the older boy's waistband from his shirt riding up.
He debates whether he should make up some lame excuse, or throw some insult at Jeonghan's face if that would divert the other boy from the growing crush Joshua's starting to have on him, but he decides against it. Besides, his insults won't have as much impact now, because he knows it's all false.
"I just have a lot on my mind," he answers simply, pointedly avoiding Jeonghan's gaze.
"Like what?" Jeonghan asks, sitting up worriedly. "Is it something serious? Or-" a smirk starts to creep up on his lips, and Joshua can already feel the exasperated sigh demanding to be let out, "-is it me that's on your mind?"
"You wish," he says, but there's a sudden hot flame on his cheeks and his usual bite is gone, and he knows Jeonghan has noticed. He coughs into his fist.
"I'm gonna take a nap. Wake me up when we get there, okay?" he tells the other boy, refusing to meet his eyes, because Jeonghan can literally see through him, he always has, and Joshua isn't ready to let his best friend know that he's the muse of his sinful thoughts. It's too risky.
He hears Jeonghan faintly hum in agreement, already taking out his phone to play whatever new game he's addicted to right now, and Joshua turns to the window.
Unsurprisingly, he's unable to fall asleep just like that, what with the epiphany of liking his best friend striking him down like a bolt of thunder.
In retrospect, Jeonghan's always been so pretty, he never was able to stand it. Joshua always was looking at the other boy, staring at the way Jeonghan's hands move when he talks, the sharp curve of his throat whenever he throws his head back to laugh, the veins in his forearms, the hints of naked shoulders and sharp collarbones whenever Jeonghan wore a shirt that was especially too big for his lean frame. Looking back at it, Joshua's eyes were always on his best friend, the idea of being with someone else completely disregarded from his head.
And even now, the way Jeonghan silently vibrates with excitement because he doesn't want to wake him up, and the lifting curve of his lips whenever he gets a new high score makes Joshua want to jump off the bus.
And when Jeonghan's knees bump into his whenever the bus takes a turn, the other boy gently taking Joshua's head away from the window pane and on his shoulder, Joshua's heart does some acrobatic stunt he only knows Minghao to be capable of, and it's a little too much.
It's a little awkward and uncomfortable too, resting his head on Jeonghan's shoulder, because they always were of similar heights, and he can already feel his neck being stiff the next day. The fact that Joshua doesn't fit perfectly onto Jeonghan's body, that Joshua's hand always was a little bigger and Jeonghan's shoulders always were a little too narrow is a sharp prick to his heart, because-
He takes in a silent, shuddering breath.
Because they aren't soulmates.
8.
On Joshua's 16th birthday, Jeonghan took him to the playground, the one worn with time from all the trips they took when they were still young and naive and didn't care what people thought of them.
By then, there were endless questions and rumors about their extreme intimacy, whether they were really just friends or something more. They had done a great job at ignoring all the pitying gazes so far, or the judgemental stares of people who've come to learn of their closeness, commenting on their inappropriate friendship.
It hadn't put any strain or awkwardness on either of them, which Joshua was eternally grateful for, even if he was starting to get terribly tired of acting like there's some sort of death sentence hanging over his head.
"Sorry I couldn't take you somewhere better," Jeonghan was saying, flashing him an apologetic smile. "I'm kinda broke right now though, so I hope this is enough."
They were seated on some playground slide, shoulders and thighs and knees pressed up against each other as they shared a tub of chocolate ice cream between them. Snow had started to fall in gentle showers, and despite the winter cold, Joshua's cheeks felt embarrassingly hot.
"You dumbass," he said, smothering up the smile threatening to show. He swore the warmth blooming all over his face was because of the cold, nothing else. "This is more than enough." And then, in a softer voice, he added, "Thank you."
"What the- Are you actually being nice to me?" Jeonghan asked, jumping out of his seat in shock. And Joshua had rolled his eyes, a grin on his face that contradicted his actions.
"I'm always nice to you," Joshua said, lightly pulling the other boy by the wrist to sit back down beside him. "You're just too much of an idiot to notice."
"You know, those two phrases don't really agree with each other, Shua."
"I know," was all Joshua's reply, and Jeonghan huffed out an amused laugh as he leaned back on his arms, bringing his gaze to the stars. Joshua soon followed his example, and he extended a hand then, offering the other boy the little tub in his hands.
"Do you want some more?" he asked. Jeonghan hesitated, before shaking his head.
"It's okay," he assured. "You can finish it, if you want to."
"Are you sure? Chocolate is your favourite." The older boy shook his head once more, and Joshua wished he wasn't always so perceptive when it came to his best friend, because Jeonghan was already a centimeter farther away from him than he used to be.
They stayed quiet for a little while longer, and Joshua racked his brain for something to say, until Jeonghan spoke up again, the other boy reaching out for his hand.
Joshua tried not to stare at their intertwined fingers for longer than he needed to.
"What do you think of the rumors, Shua?" Jeonghan asked softly, shifting his body so that they're face-to-face. He looked up at him through half-lidded eyes, and all too clearly, Joshua felt the hitch in his breath when he realized they looked a little too pretty at that moment.
Swallowing down the sudden tightness in his throat, he questioned back in a voice just as soft, "What rumors?"
Jeonghan bit at his lip. It was getting awfully hard to keep himself from staring at the older boy. "The ones about us," he said.
"Oh." Joshua hummed in contemplation then, tilting his head in thought. "I don't understand them," he eventually said, unconsciously rubbing circles at the back of Jeonghan's hand. "It's not like it's their business to intrude. Why do they keep asking if we're soulmates?"
Jeonghan let out a tiny laugh at this. The centimeter gap between them was gone. "Maybe because we're too close?" he suggested.
"Are we though?" Joshua had asked. "Are we too close?"
The older boy smiled, tucking back a flyaway strand of hair behind Joshua's ear. "I don't think so," he whispered. "Even if we are, then I don't mind. I like us being close."
Joshua had wondered why he felt so ridiculously happy at the answer.
Maybe it's because they're best friends, he had thought to himself. Yeah, that must be it. It's definitely nice to know his best friend thought of him as such too.
And Jeonghan had buried his face in the crook of his neck then, breath warm on the base of his throat. He was so close; Joshua could nearly make out the smell of the older boy's shampoo. He felt Jeonghan smile against his skin, the touch sending a thousand fireworks on his nerves.
His pulse felt a little too fast. Hopefully, Jeonghan didn't notice.
The other boy stayed over at his house that night, but Joshua could hardly sleep, that one question shoving aside all other thoughts. Were they too close?
9.
The fact that Jeonghan's never had a girlfriend keeps Joshua up at night.
Okay, that's a lie.
There's a lot of things about Yoon Jeonghan that keeps him up at night, including but not limited to: his soft blonde hair, his godforsaken blinding smile, his infuriatingly twinkling eyes, the delicate dip of his neck, his arms, his chest, those damned thighs… the list goes on.
But Jeonghan's never had a girlfriend before, and that's the one pressing issue that's a constant nag to Joshua's head the most.
It gives him hope that Jeonghan is, well, not completely straight. After all, it’s not like the girls who continue to throw themselves all over him are ugly; Joshua by no means likes any of them, but even he can admit that most of the girls are kinda. They’re not unattractive. There's a reason why he's always so anxious whenever more and more girls would shower Jeonghan with gifts and compliments.
He's scared.
The final dawning of it all sends his mind reeling.
He's scared.
He's scared that his stupid best friend might actually fall for one of those girls, take her out on dates and touch and kiss her like Jeonghan had always done with Joshua, except it's less platonic and more romantic.
Joshua nearly hurls at that picture in his head.
But Jeonghan doesn’t date any of them. He takes all their Valentine’s Day gifts in stride, and accepts all their letters, and remembers to give back chocolates to those who gave him chocolates on White day, but he's never dated any of them.
Joshua knows this is all just false hope and delusional thinking, but it still makes his heart pound a few beats faster, and it's starting to hurt.
And yet… the feeling is electric, sending shivers down his spine. Currents travel up and down his body now just by thinking of his best friend. His cheeks tint pink, and his palms get sweaty, and there's all these constant butterflies whizzing around in his stomach that he's yet to grow used to whenever he sees the other boy. It's almost palpable, this feeling, and it almost feels-
It almost feels nice.
Oh my God, he thinks bitterly, slamming a pillow over his head at such a flustering thought. Jeonghan must have woken up some sort of masochistic streak in him.
Is this what love feels like?
Joshua doesn't know for sure, but he finds himself not minding it as much.
It's weird, and it's scary, and it's completely out of his control, but the idea of loving Jeonghan… well, Joshua certainly doesn't mind it.
He wonders, not for the first time, if it's so wrong to like someone so intensely, when that person isn't even his soulmate.
One thing he does know, completely and utterly, is that he really does love his best friend; logic has abandoned him and his heart has betrayed him long before, and even though he cringes, he knows. He loves Jeonghan.
If only Jeonghan actually liked him back.
10.
Jihoon picks up on the second ring.
"What would you do-" Joshua immediately asks, latching onto his phone as if his life depended on it, "-if, let's say, in some alternate universe, you fell in love with Soonyoung, but he wasn't your soulmate?"
"Good evening to you too," Jihoon grumbles. From the sound of it, he probably just woke up from some nap, and Joshua feels a slight twinge of guilt at disturbing the other boy. "What's this about Soonyoung and soulmates?"
Joshua repeats the question, a little too desperately. Jihoon is quiet for a long moment, long enough for Joshua to wonder if the younger boy is mean enough to fall back asleep, until Jihoon finally replies back. "A Soonyoung," he starts slowly, "that isn't my soulmate? He may be an idiot, but I don't even want to imagine it."
"Just answer the question, please?"
He hears the other boy inhale sharply through his nose, a faint sigh slipping from his lips. "I'll still love him," Jihoon says, adamant and confident. "I'll still hold his dumb hand and kiss his dumb lips and take him out on dumb dates, even if we weren't soulmates. Because I love him."
Joshua thinks about this for a while. He hears the younger speak up again, less grumpy this time. "Is this about Jeonghan?"
"Hypothetically speaking," Joshua says, squeezing his eyes shut and cursing himself for the flutter in his heart at the mere mention of Jeonghan's name. "What would you say if I said yes?"
"I'd say you're acting kinda dumb right now," Jihoon deadpans. "You admit it, right? That you like him."
"I-" He sucks in a shaky breath, steeling his nerves. "Yeah. I- I kinda do. A lot."
"About goddamn time," he hears Jihoon mutter under his breath, and Joshua fights the urge to protest. And then, in a softer voice, Jihoon asks, "What are you so scared of, Joshua?"
The question almost makes him stop in his tracks. Until he remembers all the things that's on the line if he does as much as acts on his feelings, and Joshua wants to yell at the world for being so unfair.
"I'm scared that he won't like me back," he admits quietly, hating himself for sounding so pathetic. "I'm scared that we'll drift apart because of me, even more so when Jeonghan finds his soulmate and I find mine. I'm scared that, well, Jeonghan might not even like guys."
Oh God. He absolutely refuses to cry.
"Joshua," Jihoon says, in that firm yet gentle way of his. "I won't intrude too much, because I really do think the both of you should sort this out yourselves, but I know Jeonghan too. I may not know him as well as you do, but still. I've seen the way he looks at you. Soonyoung's seen the way he looks at you. Seungcheol too, and Mingyu and Wonwoo and everyone else. Do you get what I'm saying?"
Joshua sniffles, heaving out a small exhale. "No," he answers, and he can nearly make out the way Jihoon pinches at his nose bridge at his reply. "All I'm hearing is that Jeonghan looks at me, just like how he looks at everyone else."
Jihoon sighs again, more exasperated than anything this time. "Look," he says. "How do you even know you and Jeonghan aren't soulmates? He hasn't outwardly denied it or anything, has he? And you've never actually seen the mark on his wrist."
"Yeah, but… " Joshua hesitates. Jihoon does have a point there. But then he recalls a couple of crucial facts, and he shakes his head before forgetting the younger boy can't see him.
"Jeonghan would have told me by now, if I really am his soulmate," he says, shifting the phone to his other ear. "I mean, my first words to him should be distinctive enough for that bastard to realize we're soulmates."
He can't see it, but Joshua knows saying something like that has sparked Jihoon's curiosity, even by the slightest bit. He was proven right, when Jihoon carefully asks, "What did you say to him?"
Joshua tries not to wince. "Ah, well. Please don't ask. It's kinda embarrassing."
"Okay," Jihoon says.
Oh, well. He wasn't expecting just that. "Okay?"
"Yeah," the other boy tells him, nonchalant. "If you don't want me to ask, then that's fine." Jihoon pauses, before saying, "You know, Joshua, I say you just go for it. Even in the slight chance you and Jeonghan aren't soulmates, because I really do believe you guys are."
Joshua blinks in surprise a little at this. "You do?"
There's a bit of shuffling on the other end of the line, until Jihoon's voice rings out again. "And it's not just me who thinks that," he says. "So go for it. There's a lot of people after Jeonghan, you know that better than anyone, and he might already be taken long after you've finally gathered up the courage to tell him how you feel." And then, as an afterthought, the younger adds, "Although, I highly doubt that's gonna happen."
Joshua muses over Jihoon's response, before letting out a low, appreciative whistle. "You're surprisingly good at this kind of stuff, Jihoon," he says with a sideways smile.
He hears the other boy groan, and Joshua laughs. "It's not like I want to be good at this stuff, goddamnit," Jihoon mumbles. "Anyway, I gotta go now. Go talk to that idiot, okay?"
"Yeah, okay." Jihoon hangs up then, and once again, Joshua finds himself losing precious sleep that night over a certain boy with soft blond hair and a stupidly dazzling smile.
11.
Joshua furrows his brows in internal debate. He's kind of lost, unsure as to how to tackle his current problem, even with what Jihoon has already told him.
Said current problem is drooling all over his new bedsheets, sprawled with his limbs spreadeagled on his bed, stomach down. His shirt has bunched up from moving too much, exposing the dimple on his spine, and his hair is standing up at odd ends, looking even softer than usual.
Joshua swallows thickly. Jeonghan may or may not know this already, but he really does test Joshua's patience. Like this, for example.
He pokes at the other boy's side and the body on his bed twitches but stubbornly refuses to get up. Joshua lets his fingers trail teasingly up the soft backs of Jeonghan's bare thighs in retaliation, watching in smug satisfaction as goosebumps follow in his wake. He’s always known where Jeonghan feels the most sensitive.
Jeonghan shudders, a soft whine ripping deliciously out of the other boy's throat. "Shua… " he mumbles, hands clutching harder at his sheets. "Don't touch me there."
And Joshua's left to will away the fervent blush staining his cheeks at this point, forcing his gaze away from Jeonghan's exposed legs, because just why does his supposed best friend have to torture him like this by wearing the shortert shorts he's ever seen the other boy wear. Instead, he says in what he hopes sounds completely normal and collected, "Get off my bed."
"But I'm sleepy," Jeonghan complains, and as if to spite him, the older boy spreads his legs out even more. Joshua almost loses himself to desire right there and then because it's absolutely insufferable how Jeonghan's ass looks unforgivably good in the piece of clothing, despite his lack of such. He's so intent on ogling the naked skin he almost misses the other boy's next words."I wanna stay on the bed, Shua. You can sleep on the couch."
"This is my room, though?" he questions, shoving Jeonghan's leg away to make space for himself on the bed. The direct touch against the older boy's thigh is enough for him to want to catapult himself out the window.
Maybe not to that extent, but still.
"Shua?" Jeonghan calls out, slowly sitting up and running a hand through his dishevelled hair.
"Yeah?"
The older boy scoots closer to him then, until he's close enough for Joshua to reach out and connect the faint little freckles on Jeonghan's cheeks. Too close, a voice in his head warns. He ignores it.
"You've been acting kinda strange lately," Jeonghan says, looking up at him, hints of sleep still lingering in his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Oh, well. it's nothing much." He's mumbling softer now, because Jeonghan's a mere inch away and his luscious pink lips are downright tantalizing, practically begging for him to kiss it. Joshua has to pull his eyes away, scanning the other boy's face for a safe place to look at that won't send his heart drumming in his chest. But Jeonghan's eyes are too distracting, and his lips are too tempting, and even his nose is a little too pretty. Joshua decides to talk to Jeonghan's right eyebrow. He clears his throat. "I've just had something on my mind lately."
Someone, the same voice in his head corrects. Once again, he ignores it.
He's so busy keeping his thoughts at bay that he almost doesn't realize that the older boy hasn't said anything yet. He brings his eyes away from the older boy's eyebrow to meet Jeonghan's own, only to find Jeonghan gazing very pointedly at his lips.
Joshua swallows.
"You're staring," he blurts out, feeling his ears turn red. Jeonghan blushes too, but he doesn't deny it.
"Shua," he says instead, voice a near whisper as he inches the tiniest bit closer towards him. "Can I do something? It's kinda weird though, so I need you to tell me now if you don't want me to."
Joshua doesn't know where this is heading, but he nods. "Okay."
"Yeah, okay?"
"Yeah, okay," he repeats, the red on his ears snaking down to his cheeks.
"Okay." Jeonghan grins a little at this. "Good."
Ever so gently, the other boy brings a hand up to brush back his bangs, his other hand going down to rest on the small of his back. Joshua closes his eyes, and he revels in the way Jeonghan's fingers ghost over his temple, his cheeks, the line of his jaw. It's too little and too much all at the same time, until Jeonghan sits up and pulls him in closer, the other boy's thighs straddling his hips.
Joshua feels his breath catch in his throat, fully aware of the little noise he just made that sounds a terrible lot like a dying animal.
Soon enough, Jeonghan's lips press against his skin, and it feels softer than Joshua ever thought it to be. The other boy trails slow, chaste kisses along the path his fingers made. Joshua has to stop and wonder if this is all some sort of fever dream.
But it's real, and it's happening, and he feels Jeonghan pause just above his lips. "Tell me and I'll stop."
"Don't," Joshua whispers, breathless and desperate. "Don't stop."
And when Jeonghan's lips finally meet his own, sweet and soft and warm, Joshua feels like flying. They kiss, and there aren't any sparks going off around them and they collide rather clumsily really, but Joshua thinks it's starting to feel a little bit like heaven.
They pull away all too soon, panting for air, and Joshua tries not to shiver under the touch of Jeonghan's hands against his bare shoulders from where the neckline of his shirt has started to slip. Slowly, he looks up to meet the other boy's gaze, fearful in case this was all just some impulsive mistake. But that thought soon vanishes when he stares at Jeonghan on top of him, looking immensely breathtaking as a soft smile starts to bloom on his face.
"Do you like me, Shua?" he asks, faced flushed and lips beautifully parted. "Do you like me like that?"
"Yeah." He's scared, and his heart is pounding painfully hard against his ribs, but he nods. "I really do."
Jeonghan leans down once again, pressing their lips together in one lovely, fleeting moment.
"Shua," he laughs when he separates, the other boy's hands gently cupping his face. "I've loved you for years now. I was starting to get tired of waiting."
Joshua's so startled he nearly topples backwards and onto the floor. "Wha- Really?"
Jeonghan grins at him. "Yes, really! But you've never noticed, even though all our coworkers did. Even Seungcheol noticed, goddamnit." A teasing smirk dances on his face then, and Joshua debates whether it's okay to kiss it off. "And you call me the stupid one."
"But I- You-" He's at a drastic loss for words right now. He takes in a breath, trying to clear his head. "But you've never mentioned liking boys before."
"Oh, please, Shua," the older boy says, and at this point he's nearly sitting on Joshua's lap. The sensation of it sends his mind into overdrive. "Have you forgotten my thirsty infatuation on Chanyeol back in high school?"
"That dude from that one group?" Joshua asks, a little dazed, and Jeonghan nods. "I haven't forgotten but, I just- I never knew."
"Well, now you know," Jeonghan says with an excited grin. "I like boys, but I love you."
"Fucking hell," Joshua whispers under his breath, earning a tinkling laugh from the other boy. "That's so cheesy."
He inhales then, deciding to man up and ask that one pestering question ratting at his head. "Jeonghan, do you- Do you like me even when we aren't soulmates?"
The other boy looks a little surprised at the question, before beaming down at him. Joshua feels his heart flutter the tiniest bit.
"Of course, Shua," Jeonghan says, hands starting to play with his hair. "I'd love you whether or not you're my soulmate. And, I don't care what fate or destiny or God says — you're my soulmate. What about you? How long have you… you know, felt like this?"
Joshua sighs, lying flat on his back atop the bed. "I'm not sure. I just realized it a few weeks ago but-" He hesitates, sparing Jeonghan a tentative smile. "I feel like a piece of me has loved you since the very beginning."
Jeonghan beams at him, and it's so lovely.
If this is what falling in love feels like, Josbua thinks to himself in a state of bliss, then he wants nothing more but to fall over and over again in love with his best friend.
They kiss and laugh and bicker in bed until they fall asleep, legs tangled all over each other. Their lips are swollen, and there are a few colorful marks on the tender spread of Jeonghan's thighs and the flat planes of Joshua's chest, but they’re falling over each other while laughing and they swear they’ve never grinned so much like this since they were young.
12.
Not much changed after they've declared themselves as boyfriends.
They still tease and banter together, walk to work together, eat together, watch the stars together, ride the bus together, sleep in each other's beds. There's just a lot more sneaking touches and kisses and shared laughter when they think others aren't around.
Maybe this is why there's always been so many questions surrounding their bond.
They're able to hide it from most people, mere acquaintances really, but they fail to hide it from their friends. Especially Jihoon and Soonyoung, who smirks and wiggles their eyebrows at them, making Joshua itch to smack them both over their heads.
"I told you everything would work out," Jihoon tells him one day, when they're both on their lunch break, his knowing grin planted firmly on his lips. "Jeonghan didn't even have to say anything, it was so obvious. It was almost torturous when you didn't catch on."
Joshua raises his hands in surrender, defending himself as he asks, "Well, how was I supposed to know he felt that way? He acts like that with nearly everyone else."
Jihoon mutters something about having to deal with idiots on the daily to his sandwich, before looking back up at Joshua. "Jeonghan doesn't just act like that with everyone else. It's different with you. He's always… looking at you. Even when you aren't looking at him. He runs to you whenever he senses the slightest change in your attitude, wondering what he could do to make you feel better. If you talk to someone for a little too long, then Jeonghan would be there sidling up beside you. He'd usually throw an arm around your shoulders too, or latch around your waist, glaring at that person in that scarily discrete way of his, as if demanding them to back off."
"Woah, there," Joshua says, blinking in surprise. He looks for Jeonghan, spotting him laughing at something Seokmin has said. He looks back at Jihoon, an eyebrow raised. "You sure about that?"
"Confident," Jihoon says, finishing the last of his sandwich. "Soonyoung has a video too, of Jeonghan staring at you." The younger boy winks at him, and Joshua feels his face turn scarlet. "It's seven minutes and forty-eight seconds long, if you're wondering. Soonyoung had to stop because his arms were starting to hurt."
"When did he even-" Joshua stops, heaving out a sigh. "Nevermind. I don't think I want to know."
Jihoon lets out a loud snort, loud enough for Jeonghan to look over and cock an eyebrow at the both of them, silently asking Joshua what happened. Joshua shakes his head.
The younger boy gets up, stretching until his spine makes an audible pop. "It was kinda sad at first," he tells Joshua. "Since he didn't know if you liked him back. It's stronger now though, almost suffocating really, but I'm glad for you guys."
He leaves at that, leaving Joshua to think over a few things.
Eventually, he feels a familiar weight on his shoulders stir him from his thoughts, and looks up to see Jeonghan grinning down at him.
"It's your turn to serve," he tells him, scanning the room real quick before pecking Joshua on the cheek. Joshua hopes his blush isn't as dark as he feels it is. "There's this particularly annoying lady at table three, something about not wanting caffeine in her coffee." Jeonghan grabs onto both his shoulders, whirling him around until their eyes are a breadstick away. "Now tell me, dearest Shua, does that make any sense to you?"
"It doesn't," Joshua agrees with an amused laugh.
The older boy nods, whisking Joshua away from the break room and out into the open. "I'm glad you think so. Now, shoo, she might start yelling at everyone if she doesn't get her order soon. I don't think Seungcheol has enough patience in him to handle it if that happens."
Jeonghan disappears back into the break room after that. His boyfriend.
Jeonghan's his boyfriend. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense why Jeonghan likes him, but Joshua still feels his lips curve to a smile at its own accord.
He's still standing there, smiling like some sort of creep when Seokmin passes by, letting out a horrified scream and nearly dropping a very important tray of orders.
13.
They're in Jeonghan's room this time, drinking different flavored slushies out of cheap plastic cups, their homework a forgotten heap on Jeonghan's table.
Joshua had stopped wearing his bracelet, revealing the two words inscribed on his skin once more, and he leans into the feeling of Jeonghan absentmindedly tracing the white characters on his skin.
"It was probably hard, wasn't it?" Jeonghan asks him, a small frown tweaking at his lips. "You've met them, but you don't know who it is."
Joshua hums. "I guess. But it doesn't matter now." He looks up at the other boy, feeling his smile reach his eyes. "I have you now."
"And you call me cheesy," Jeonghan mumbles, rolling his eyes affectionately. Laughing, Joshua gently whacks the older boy.
"Actually," he says with a sheepish grin, He points at his wrist. "You said this to me. Back when we first met. For a while now, I really did hope you were my soulmate in the end." Reaching up to kiss at the corner of Jeonghan's eye, he adds, "But it's okay. I'm perfectly fine with how we are right now."
"Wait," Jeonghan's frown deepens by the slightest, and Joshua tilts his head in confusion. "I said that to you? Then… what did you say to me in return?"
He feels his brows start to furrow. "You don't remember?" he asks, and Jeonghan shakes his head.
Joshua can't believe this.
Jeonghan doesn't remember. Meaning, there might be a chance that…
"I- I told you, when he first met," he starts, a bit shaky. He tries to calm himself down, which is near impossible with the way his heart is pulsing so loud he can feel it in his ears. "You really don't remember?"
"I don't," Jeonghan says. There's a hint of urgency in his voice, his expression laced with unease. "Why? What did you tell me?"
Joshua feels his face turn hot, and he forces oxygen into his lungs. "I said- I pointed out something. That… there was something in your nose."
Oh, Lord. He feels his toes curl in embarrassment.
Jeonghan, however, ends up dropping his slushie, his jaw falling down along with it. There's a sliver of crimson painting at his cheeks, and Joshua thinks he might know why.
If he's right about this, then-
"Shua," Jeonghan whispers, his hands trembling as he extends out his left wrist, palm facing upwards. Slowly, the other boy pulls his bracelet down, the peep of paler skin peeking out from under it.
Joshua blinks, reading and rereading the words etched across Jeonghan's wrist, blindingly white.
The more he reads it, the more he wants to slap someone.
It's dreadfully humiliating, but it's there , scrawled on Jeonghan's skin like the bracelet Joshua has gotten so used to seeing. There's something in your nose.
Looking back at it now, that was probably a terrible first thing to say to someone, especially if that someone just so happens to be his soulmate.
Jeonghan. His best friend turned boyfriend. His soulmate.
Joshua's torn between bursting out into hysterical laughter or sobbing uncontrollably. He's been living in constant worry his whole life, because his words are so plain and he doesn't even remember when it turned white, indicating that he's already met his soulmate. He had always thought that the chances of running into his soulmate again was zero to none, and he'd have to grow old while watching all his friends find and love their soulmates until he's left all alone.
And to think that his soulmate was right by his side this whole goddamn time, for twelve whole years, falling helplessly in love with him while Joshua soon did the same because Jeonghan didn't even remember the very first words Joshua's ever said to him.
And he's been in relentless conflict too, wondering if he could be so close to Jeonghan thinking he wasn't his soulmate. He knew Jeonghan didn't like the idea of it at first, and that there are people out there who aren't soulmates but are madly in love, but Joshua did believe in finding his other half, and that that person was right for him. He thought that, until he fell for Jeonghan, and he'd wondered why it felt so right when it was supposed to be so wrong.
Joshua's certain it's not possible for him to be feeling such strong emotions, but here he is anyway, chest heaving and body shaking as he forces his mind to work again.
"Shua?" Jeonghan calls out, voice too soft to be Jeonghan. He's scared — Joshua knows.
But he needs time to think. To look back at everything and rearrange the cluster of his thoughts. He doesn't want to do anything he'll regret.
Yet when he looks at the other boy in front of him, his boyfriend, his soulmate, with his eyes wide and looking like he's about to cry, the anger dissipates out of him just like that.
He sighs.
He moves the short distance over to Jeonghan, holding his arms out, and not a single second is wasted before Jeonghan flings himself at him, clutching at his shirt as a litany of muffled apologies string out of him. It's soon followed by a dozen or so confessions of love and whatnot, and another round of apologizes tainted with thrown-in excuses on how dumb he is and how he should never have forgotten something as important as Joshua's first words to him. All the while, Joshua soothingly strokes at Jeonghan's back, waiting for the other boy's trembling to stop.
Joshua cries too, but it's softer. He cries and let's all his damned frustrations out, at not knowing his soulmate has been with him all along, and at his dumb boyfriend for being so stupid and oblivious and so, so cruel for forgetting something as meaningful as their first words to each other.
He sits there, staring at the ceiling, Jeonghan's tears soaking his shirt.
It's at least another fifteen minutes until the both of them calm down, their shuddering breaths slowing down to a somewhat normal rate. Their throats are sore and their cheeks are stained, and Jeonghan's usually perfect hair is out of it's flawless arrangement, poking up in multiple directions. His eyes are red and his nose is runny too, and Joshua knows he doesn't look any better.
He reaches over Jeonghan's nightstand to grab some tissues. The older boy takes a bunch, blowing heavily into it, and Joshua does the same.
"Shua," Jeonghan whispers, voice hoarse. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't- I never knew-"
Joshua takes in a deep breath, eyes softening as he brushes back the strands of Jeonghan's hair that's started to mat against his forehead from his sweat. "Jeonghan, you're a complete and absolute idiot."
The older boy sniffles. "I'm so sorry, Shua-"
"Jeonghan," he interrupts, gently cutting the other boy off. "You know I'm pissed, right? This is probably the maddest I've ever been. What you did was unbelievable."
Jeonghan stills, body tensing.
"But," he continues, and his boyfriend cautiously looks up at him. "I'm mad, but barely surprised, because you're always unbelievable. Especially with all your teasing and flirting, and whenever your annoying throng of admirers barge into the back room because you forgot to lock the door, and all your cute little laughs and how it's rarely ever more than five ha's long, and your goddamn thighs and chest and neck and just you. You drive me mad, but I guess I should be used to it by now."
Jeonghan blinks at him, wiping the tears from his eyes. "You like my thighs, Shua? And my chest and neck?" he repeats, the beginning of a teasing smile on his lips, completely filtering every other thing Joshua had just confessed. Joshua stops himself from rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, I do, you absolute idiot," he says with a huff, and Jeonghan laughs. It's a little breathless, but he looks better now, and that's all Joshua really cares about.
"I love you too, Shua," Jeonghan says with a smile as bright as the sun, looking incredibly soft as the last beams of sunlight streams down his window and drips down his face like droplets of honey. "Everything about you. I love how cute your laugh is, and how you scrunch up your nose in that adorable way of yours, and I love how endearing it is that your hair always sticks up to the left when you wake up all grumpy and pouty and not any other direction because that's the side you like to sleep on."
The warmth on Joshua's cheeks is starting to get unbearable at that moment with how pink it feels, and he tries to speak up, but Jeonghan continues, saying, " And I love how your eyes sparkle when you laugh, and your nose, and how soft and warm your lips are. I love how pretty your neck is, and how I've dreamed for so long to press my mouth against your throat and kiss at the skin if that would make you blush. I love how delicate your shoulders and collarbones are, and I love how your chest feels under my hand. I love the dip in your waist, and how sinfully wonderful your thighs look when you're wearing shorts or those insufferable jeans that makes me want to rip it off you, and that pretty curve of your-"
"Jeonghan!" Before Joshua can stop himself, he's reaching over to cover Jeonghan's mouth, blushing furiously at the other boy's words. He leans back again when his boyfriend's eyes grow wide, gaze cast to the side as he begs the blood in his cheeks to flow down to the rest of his body. "I get it, thanks."
Jeonghan laughs, throwing his head back enough for Joshua to swallow in the curve of his throat. "That's good then," he says with a grin. And then, in a softer voice: "I kinda really love you, Shua. I'm glad it's you that's my soulmate, in the end."
Joshua has to bite back his smile at the way it feels terribly wide, but he's not doing a very good job at it so far. Inching closer, he says, "And I kinda really love you too, even though you're kind of infuriating at times."
They stay like that for the rest of the day, small puffs of laughter dancing in the air whenever they meet each other’s eyes, and Joshua-
He likes this.
He loves this more than he ever expected to, and he's so fucking happy.
+1.
"So… you guys really are soulmates?" Soonyoung asks, inspecting their wrists.
"Can't believe those were your first words to Jeonghan," Jihoon mutters with a fond shake of his head. "What, was there like, snot dripping down his nose or something?"
"Jihoon," Jeonghan complains, a pout on his lips that Joshua quickly pecks at, earning disgusted looks from the other pair.
"I mean," Soonyoung starts with a sheepish grin, holding up his wrist for Jeonghan and Joshua to see. "These were Jihoon's first words to me. It's embarrassing too, so I get how you feel."
They both look a little closer, eyes reading the words inked on the other boy's wrist in smaller letters.
Sorry, but can you get your goddamn fat ass out of my seat?
Joshua immediately bursts into laughter, with Jeonghan giggling at the uncharacteristic blush tainting Jihoon's cheeks.
"We met at a calculus class," Soonyoung tells them, eyes dancing with mirth. "Apparently, I was sitting on his seat when I came to know that my soulmate really wasn't a morning person. He looked so annoyed, it was almost cute, until I replied. Jihoon turned so quiet and his eyes grew so wide, I thought he stopped breathing on the spot."
"Stop already," Jihoon protests, lifting his chin up stubbornly at the three of them. And after much persuasion and pestering, Jihoon gives in, reluctantly displaying the letters on his skin.
What, you want a piece of this?
They stare at the words etched on the younger boy's wrist, before all three of them break out into uncontrollable giggles.
Soon enough, Soonyoung pulls Jeonghan to the side to talk about love and soulmates or whatever, with Jeonghan happily ranting about Joshua to no end. While Joshua listens to his boyfriend complain about things he's never noticed, like how his knees often brush against Jeonghan's crotch whenever they sleep and the older boy is forced to suffer in silent agony, Joshua feels like his eyes might fall off with the way he's rolled them so many times, until Jihoon walks over.
"Are you happy with him?" he asks.
And Joshua stares at the way Jeonghan's lips curve prettily against his skin, and the sharp dip of his throat when he laughs, the other boy's eyes lighting up and shining at whatever Soonyoung had said. He nods.
"I really am," he says softly, undoubtedly.
When Jihoon clamps a hand on his shoulder, grinning and saying something about being the first to get an invitation to their wedding, Joshua beams.
He's happy.
It's starting to feel a lot like heaven.