Work Text:
At the End of All Things
by Yo/Gavr3el, etc. I’ve changed my penname a few times in recent years.
Started August 2018; Edited and Declared of Completed status 5/18/20
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And love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
– Jeff Buckley, “Hallelujah”
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At the very end of the Reaper War…
Something in her gut told her she wouldn’t make it out of this war alive, but still she couldn’t stop herself from clinging to Garrus for dear life. Shepard knew he couldn’t protect her from this feeling clawing its way up her throat from the pit in her stomach…wanting to leave her mouth in a never-ending scream. It was a dark, all-encompassing emotion she could barely think herself through and hold up a mask of strength for Garrus’ sake at the same time—and what was worse, she had barely a name for it.
Fear of dying again maybe? No, it was more complicated, and she suddenly felt like the feeling must have been similar to what Thane felt before the drell was finally at peace with the end of his life. She was, perhaps, afraid now because Garrus made her feel alive…made her want to believe that they had a future together just waiting for them to build on the other side of this abominable war.
She never told him—probably never would—that he was the reason she could wake up and face this hell each day. Peace for him was what she was fighting for, even if it meant dying to bring it to him.
Yes, Shepard was afraid to die just when she was finally wanting and learning how to live, instead of just surviving. But fear has never stopped her from doing what must be done.
Even with the horrible feeling swirling in her gut, she only allowed herself to cling to him a moment longer, using every ounce of resolve she’d fought for over the years to step back and keep her eyes dry. She forcibly put distance between them and locked her tremulous blue eyes with his, hoping he couldn’t read her well enough to figure out just how hard leaving him was for her—which was probably a vain hope as there was no one who knew or read her better than he did. Shepard tried with all her might to shut her face down in that stoic mask of soldiers.
With a heaviness she hadn’t known was upon her until that moment, she raised both her hands to maneuver her dog tags out from beneath her shirt and armor and over her head. When they were clenched tight in one of her fists, she reached out to Garrus with the now free hand and grabbed his own—meshing his three-taloned digits with her five fingered hand and squeezing. Garrus squeezed her hand back in reply.
Shepard waited a heartbeat later before disentangling their hands and opening up the hand of his she had been holding. She dropped the cold, metal dog tags into his palm. Another heartbeat passing, she closed his hand into a fist and molded her small hand around it…letting her touch linger for only one more heartbeat before she finally stepped away again. She couldn’t resist, however, leaving a brief kiss ghosting across the skin of his forehand in the wake of her departure.
“Shepard?” Garrus asked, a confused note interlacing with his dual-toned voice.
“Don’t worry, Garrus. Just…want you to keep those safe for me,” Shepard said, with a broken smile. “I’m taking Javik and EDI on the final run for the Citadel. I want to know those are safe with the person I trust most.”
“What? I’m not going with you?”
Shepard turned away from Garrus, then, unwilling to let him see how much her heart was breaking. She heard the quiet clang of his armor, indicating he was moving toward her and trying to close the distance between them. She stepped out of his reach, just as she felt the whisper of his talon graze the back of her neck.
“Don’t argue, Garrus…don’t. Please,” Shepard murmured, unable to hide the break in her voice.
“Don’t do this, Shepard. Don’t leave me behind. We go together to whatever end is in store this day. Together,” Garrus keened softly, not letting her get any farther away from him.
She couldn’t stop the sob that left her throat as he wrapped his arms tight around her body from behind. She couldn’t stop her head from jerking back once against his strong, lean body…as she came apart and became weak in his arms.
It felt like an eternity passed before she was finally able to get herself under control. She had been so out of it that she hadn’t realized that he’d been making soothing, keening noises into her hair the entire time…trying to comfort her in the way he might another turian. The tenderness of it, of him, was enough to make her heart ache…made her wonder yet again what she had done to deserve him in her life.
Garrus was her rock, and he was her wings. He steadied her while he gave her the courage to fly. She could take on entire galaxies with him by her side. But not this time…she had to face the end without him. She could only face it if she knew he had a chance to live on the other side of this war…even if it was without her.
“I’m sorry, Garrus, I have to do it this way. Because none of what we’ve suffered and endured will be worth it if I lose you at the end of all things. Please, I beg you, don’t argue with me about this,” Shepard pleaded, turning around in his arms and raising her hands to the hard planes and angles of his face around his mouth…
Shepard kissed him, stopping the arguments beginning to form on his tongue, idly noting that the hand she placed her dog tags in was clenched in a fist at the back of her neck.
When she finally pulled away and looked up into Garrus’ blue eyes, she wanted to reel back from the heartbreak and resignation she found there…but he didn’t let her go. Instead, in response to her gaze, he held her closer, tighter, and closed his eyes and reached down to place his forehead gently against her own.
Then she heard his intake of breath and knew he was breathing in her scent and committing it to memory. One last time.
“I love you, Garrus, and it has been my greatest privilege and honor, to have met you, to have known you, to have been able to hold you as I have. Be at peace, my heart,” Shepard whispered, finally able to find the strength inside to draw away from him.
She turned away again and began to leave just as his keening started again. It took everything she had not to turn around and go back to him to soothe away those heartbreaking sounds into silence.
She hated that he was already starting to mourn her, but this was all for him…so that he could have a chance at life and at peace. She would destroy worlds to see that happen…if that was what it took. She would give up her own life if that was the price for him to have a chance at happiness.
And because she was Commander Shepard, the fear and pain of knowing she wouldn’t be by his side on the other side of the war wouldn’t stop her from doing what must be done at the end of all things.
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End