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Today, I found out how I was going to die. I’m sitting here now, staring at the retcon in my hand, wondering if I should just forget about forgetting; wondering if I could change anything by knowing of my fate. I should never have touched the damn box.
It was small and bright blue. The sensors detected a fair amount of rift energy coming off it, so it seemed the natural thing to do would be to bring it back with us. I picked it up with every intention of bringing it back to study; but the moment I touched it, I saw my final moments. I barely stopped myself from sobbing into Jack’s arms as he wrenched it from my hands. He saw his death too, but only his next one.
Death is something you think about a lot, working for Torchwood. I witnessed the deaths of so many after Canary Wharf. I lost Lisa. I work every day with Jack, reminded constantly of death. I’ve always known that Torchwood was as good as a death sentence; I just hoped to stave mine off for as long as possible.
I keep flashing back to the horrible scene of my death. I didn’t just see it happen, I experienced it. I felt the poison gas fill my lungs, I choked on it; felt my life draining from it. I felt the desperation as I told Jack I loved him and felt like I was dying all over again when he couldn’t bring himself to return the sentiment. Wonderful, truthful Jack; couldn’t even bring himself to tell a dying man a beautiful lie.
The door opens, I know it’s Jack. I usher him inside and he sits down beside me. “How’re you doing?” His voice is soft.
“I’m not sure if I can do this.” I try to laugh, but it comes out as a sob. “You may have to force it on me.”
“Ianto,” his voice is serious, “I don’t know what you saw when you touched that thing, and I don’t want to know, but I know that you need to forget it. Knowing your own future doesn’t mean that you can change it. If anything, it just messes things up more.”
“I know. It’s just,” I look at the pill again, suddenly feeling very lost, “will you hold me?” The words barely escape my mouth before his arms are around me. He gently takes the pill from my hands and slips it into my mouth. I feel myself slowly slip into oblivion.
--
I wake up to find that it’s evening. I’m lying on Jack’s cot, his arms are around me and he’s giving me a funny look. There’s a slight taste in my mouth and I recognize it right away. “I’ve been retconned.”
There’s a slight pause before he answers, “yes.”
“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me why?”
“You found out what I got you for Christmas; I had to make sure it would still be a surprise.” I smile at his lie and kiss him softly on the lips, wondering what was so horrible that I had to forget.