Chapter Text
Carina eyed the ceiling, searching for the crack she noticed the day she bought the apartment. She decided that it gave her room a tone, and never got it removed. It reminded her of home, and how weirdly old every building in Italia seemed to be. It never was clear to her where the crack started, but it was obvious it ended exactly in the centre of the ceiling, right above her pillow.
"I slept with Jack an hour ago, so be mad at that."
She winced a little when the resonating slam of the door that was keeping her awake, roamed through her memories.
Her chocolate eyes ran towards the edge of the ceiling, looking for the exact spot where the crack started, longing for answers now more than ever. She needed to know what the primary cause was.
A cold chill crawled up her spine at the realization that maybe, just maybe, more than the door, it was the venomous way those damn words left Maya's usually so sweet lips, that was stubbornly keeping her up.
"I slept with Jack an hour ago." Blue orbs fixed on her, mouth firm and posture composed as if she was giving a formal statement in a police investigation, not crushing her girlfriend's world.
"Be mad at that." Because the other events of the day weren't worthy of getting upset over, the rest of the things that had happened, were Carina's fault and had nothing to do with Maya.
She pronounced those sentences like she didn't care, like she never cared at all.
Carina closed her eyes and took a deep breath. What was happening to her? This wasn't a healthy way to react to a heartbreak, it wasn't her way to react to anything at all.
She turned to the side, shooting a glance at the clock: only 4 AM. She needed to bounce back, live through all the emotions, feel them to their core, and then just forget about everything. Instead, she shed a couple of tears at Maya's and then got back to her apartment and spent the whole night pacing the edge of the abyss, unable to simply fall over.
Or to just fall asleep, for that matter.
Suddenly, she felt scarily empty, like everything that defined her, was being ripped out of her chest. She sighed and got up, for the umpteenth time, like the bed was on fire, trembling hands running through unkempt hair.
"I slept with Jack."
The worlds crept down her already shaking body, insinuating in her knees, threatening to let her fall. She needed to get out of that bedroom, far away from the memories they shared between those very sheets, between those very walls. This wasn't an emotion she wanted to live through, this feeling was something frightening, something that took her right back to Italia, back to the day her papà did the unthinkable.
She put on a sweater faster than she could and got out of the hunting apartment. Welcomed by the chilling breeze of Seattle’s morning, Carina didn’t really know where she was going or what she was doing. Her fingers drummed nervously against the wheel as she winded her way through the semi-empty streets, watching as the sky bled from night blue to a lighter shade of purple.
Maya loves sunrises. Carina had to stop herself from closing her eyes at the thought. Few things lit up the firefighter as much as the idea of watching the sunrise, and Carina found endearing that someone as cheeky as Maya could be in love with something as soft and romantic as the sunrise.
A smile crept its way up to her lips, thinking of the sweet memories until she realized that her radio was playing Luigi Tenco’s Vedrai Vedrai. She tried to tighten the grip on the wheel but her eyes couldn’t keep the tears in anymore.
Sì, lo so che questa non è certo la vita
Che ho sognato un giorno per noi
Vedrai, vedrai
Vedrai che cambierà
Forse non sarà domani
Ma un bel giorno cambierà
She stopped the car and turned off the music. The little stuffed dolphin hanging on the rear-view mirror was looking at her intensely: Maya bought it for her when she learned how deeply the Doctor loved the sea. Way back when, during her childhood summers in Sicilia, she would go out at sea with her papà just to have the opportunity to see the rare pods of dolphins that still came to the Mediterranean waters. Maya listened to the story attentively, looking at her like she was painting the sunrise on the morning sky, and then simply kissed her. During dinner, out of the blue, she declared that having nothing hung in the car was like having no car at all. The following day, when Carina jumped at the wheel after a difficult shift at work, she found the little dolphin smiling at her, and a handwritten note: “I promise I break into cars only for good reasons.”.
– Oh, Maya… – A weak breath escaped her lips while her fingers grasped the fluffy toy. – Perché…
She threw the miniature animal against the windshield and jumped off the car, pacing back and forth, running shaky hands on her cheeks.
The lights of the new day hunted the sky while she climbed up the steps of the porch. Her fingers hesitated a little before ringing the doorbell as quietly as possible. She turned her back to the door, watching the sun bloom on the other side of the street, peeking between the roofs, gold petals slowly stretching across the horizon.
The noise of the door unlocking startled Carina, but she didn’t turn around: – Si è scopata Jack.
– Oh…
The voice that answered wasn’t the one Carina expected. In her haste, she forgot about the other occupants of the house: – Meredith, I-I… – Of course, out of all the people that could have come to answer, it had to be the one who spoke Italiano. – I’m sorry, Meredith I didn’t think.
Doctor Grey’s sky-blue eyes narrowed a little, and Carina found herself thinking of how much different from Maya’s they were: – It’s okay… Just, Andrew is not here.
– Sì, sì… certo. – She ran her hand through her hair once again, cursing her bad habit and herself for letting it get out of control. – I’m so sorry, I should have called first. I better just…
They kept staring at each other, Meredith shielding herself from the chilling morning air with her arms: – Are you drunk? No actually, are you okay?
Was she drunk? Confusion dawned upon her, the only things she could remember were the loud slam of the door and the crack on the ceiling. Before Carina could answer, or rather think a little bit longer, her attention was drawn to the stumping noise of naked feet coming from inside of the house, shortly followed by a voice: – Hey Mer? Who is it? Are we going to need muscles? Do I have to wake up Link?
Amelia’s face appeared on Meredith’s shoulder, the cheerful smile falling from her lips as soon as her green irises landed on the Italian woman awkwardly standing on the porch. At the sight of that glare, Carina’s soul shattered: never had she seen the youngest Shepherd look at anybody the way she was looking at her. Like she knew exactly how unfixable and broken she felt.
Amelia pushed her sister aside and took the woman in her arms, hugging her as if it was the only thing that would have kept her from crashing into the abyss. Carina gave in to the comfort of the embrace, to the warmth of the sweet nothings Amelia was whispering, and her legs finally failed her.
They moved to the bench, Carina’s hands still held tightly between Amelia’s: – Do you feel like talking about it?
The Italian woman’s bloodshot eyes moved to look to the symmetrical cracks on the floor: – I’m sorry I came… I really didn’t think.
– I am actually very glad you did: I wouldn’t want you anywhere else, right now. – She gave a firm squeeze to her hands. – Plus. – A sheepish smile shyly appeared between her teeth. – I could use a break from this whole mum thing. He’s the most adorable baby I’ve ever seen, don’t get me wrong, but he’s a handful already.
The OBGYN panicked: – Oh Dio, ma cosa ho combinato… mi ero completamente dimentic…
– Carina. – The sweetest expression appeared on Amelia’s features. – If you feel like venting in Italian, I’m here for it, very sexy and all. – She smirked, only to immediately return to a more serious composure. – But just let me know first, okay? So that I’m sure you’re not unnecessarily apologizing again.
Carina’s eyes searched for comfort and strength in the other woman’s: – It’s Maya… – The pause she took wasn’t filled by anything else than the cheerful chirping of birds and the cars rushing in the streets. Amelia was waiting, giving her all the time she needed, reassuring her with slow movements of her thumbs on the back of Carina’s hands. – She cheated on me… with her ex.
Amelia pulled her in again, resting Carina's head on her shoulder, drawing soothing circles on her sobbing back. Carina's glance moved forward, the darkness of the night fading away completely as peaches, ambers, and magentas mixed in the sky.
And even though she would never tire of the sight, this time it was an unfair kind of beauty.
Nonetheless, Maya would have adored it.
And that very thought destroyed her for good.
It made her heart ache.