Chapter Text
“G’night guys! Ready to party?” launches happily Christopher, a bottle of beer in his hands.
Seungmin and Felix are just behind him, entering the nice and cosy flat of Matthew. It was always a pleasure to be here, it reminds them of good memories of multiple parties and funny nights. At least, for the eight of them, it’s the case. Felix is not sure what he remembers now, other than the coldness and lonely roof. Not like he cares.
“Always! Oh, you bring beer? Nice here my boy.” Matthew smiles kindly at his best friend, urging the three of them to enter the flat.
Seungmin goes straight to Hyunjin and Jeongin, sitting between the two boys on the old brown couch. Christopher and Matthew chat animatedly about alcohol and food. Felix wet his lips, keeping his hood and his hands in his pockets, going straight to the kitchen. The first step of the mission: get the vodka and a bag of chips.
He’s almost happy to reach the cupboard where a ton of alcohol is present. It’s like his personal paradise. He needs to be on his tip-toe to achieve his goal, and he nearly wants to pat himself on the back because he nailed this. He moves to another cupboard, getting a family size bag of chips. A little smile begins to make its way on his lips.
At the last moment, he decided to take another bag of chips. He feels particularly empty tonight, better to have more than just one. And like this, he will not have to go down again and see the disgusting making out between Changbin and Hyunjin. Felix frowns at his thought, feeling again this sharp pain in his chest. Damn, he was happy a second ago.
He rolls up his eyes at himself, closing the cupboard and getting out of the kitchen, passing by the living room. He’s not expecting someone to react, they never pay attention in general. Being nine is overwhelming. And it’s not like he’s the most talkative one there. Or maybe he’s just trying to find an excuse as to why no one pays attention. Another sharp pain, this is going to be a funny night.
“Are you going to drink again by yourself?” The sharp comment reached his ears but he didn’t get that it was for him right away.
He stopped in his tracks when he heard nothing, understanding only now that it was directed at him. He turns, not bothered by the sharp comment, his beautiful hazel eyes meeting dark orbs. Hyunjin looks right at him, his arms folding in his chest, waiting patiently for an answer. Felix doesn’t even react, opening his mouth slightly.
“No shit Sherlock?” he doesn’t wait for the prince to answer, opening the door of the flat and closing it slowly.
His throat feels dry, his heart is hurting and the void in him seems to be bigger day by day. Felix sighs for himself, thinking about his loneliness and sarcastic self. Who wants to be alone with an emo lavender boy?
✨
Felix loses the count of how many times he shed tears on the roof. It seems to be forever since he came here to drink and eat by himself. He thinks of bringing a pillow, maybe one or two plaids. But he’s better with his bottle of vodka and his food, alone on the cold and hard floor of the roof. He swallows the lump in his throat, taking another gulp of his bottle. He needs to savour it, after all.
It’s maybe around two in the morning that he begins to feel a bit tipsy. He just finishes the first bag of chips, arching a brow at himself. He looks at the empty bag and it reminds him of his poor person. That’s when his eyes let out big and hot tears that fell hard on the floor. With the light of the moon and the city, it looks like a tiny bit of sparkle fell off his eyes.
Maybe this is why the pit of light in his eyes is disappearing day by day. They follow his tears. He asks himself what will happen when there will be no more light in his eyes. He never really thinks of tomorrow, always living in the present. But now, right now, he tries to think of the next day.
“Damn, I have nothing more,” he mumbles pitifully, until he sees the second bag of chips, smiling dumbly.
He was only a bit scared because he doesn’t know what he would have done if he didn’t have another bag of chips. But he forgets soon enough, gulping from his bottle of vodka and starting on his second bag of chips for the night.
Around five he drank the last drop of his bottle. He let himself fall on the hard ground, looking straight up at the sky. It seems less dark than previously, the sun will probably set up soon. He just wishes for it to never go up in the sky again. A chilling breeze hit him and he didn't even shiver. Since when did he stop feeling the cold?
He must have closed his eyes and fallen a bit asleep. When he wakes up, he doesn’t feel tipsy. His eyes are heavy, he feels tired. Lack of sleep or Life? He doesn’t know. He sits up slowly, looking at the empty bags and the bottle. Time to go back to hell.
He opens the door of Matthew’s flat, nearly grimacing at the nice warmth and joyful voices of his friends. Even saying this in his head sounds false as fuck. He should think of something else then. He walks casually, like a shadow, and finds himself behind Christopher. He throws away the bag of chips, looking at the cup of coffee in Matthew’s hand.
Why is he suddenly nice? Felix wants to smack himself in the head. It’s Matthew, of course, he’s nice. He was always nice. He rolls his eyes for himself, taking the cup and muttering an acknowledgement at the older boy. He drank a tiny gulp of coffee, preferring the sourness of the vodka.
“You drank the whole bottle by yourself?” Christopher sends him a scolding glare.
“No, I drank with the five people in my head.” He stopped for a long time to try and control his sarcastic comments.
“Felix. You know it’s not good to drink this much, you will turn alcoholic at this point mate. Now come here and eat brekkie. ”
Felix looks at him dumbly. His brain needs a lot of time to process the change of language, being still blurred because of the tiredness. Or the alcohol. Or maybe both? Surely both. He should stop thinking and opt to answer.
“Why are you suddenly talking in English?” It’s not even a question. He looks at the table and takes his favourite bread. “I’m not an alcoholic. Or maybe I am. Not like I care.”
Christopher frowns again, sighing loudly. It brought the attention of Seungmin, who made eye contact with Felix. The chestnut boy’s eyes seemed full of worry, and Felix didn’t understand why. He shrugs, taking the whole bread with him, ready to go out of the flat.
“Why are you eating only bread?” asks Minho, eyes tired and red because of the alcohol. Felix arches a brow at the stupid question.
“The only fancy thing in my life.” He shrugs again, making his way to the door. A hand stops him, making him turn to look at the person.
Seungmin is looking right at him, his gaze still full of worry. It makes him uneasy, he loves the younger one deeply. It’s like the only one who could be alone with him without Felix feeling awkward or in another dimension. But right now, it feels like a big barrier separates the two of them.
“Lix.” Seungmin’s voice is sweet and low, smoothing even. “Are you okay?”
Felix takes the time to answer. His brain and mind are blurred and stopped functioning properly around four in the morning. And they kept asking him questions. He blinks, furrowing his eyebrows. Is he okay? What is that shit again?
“The usual.” it’s the only answer that he can think of right now.
“And what is the usual?” Seungmin is arching a brow at him, making him even more strange to his own eyes.
“I don’t know.”