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Rocket is jostled awake. “Ugh, WHAT?!?!” He says only to find the source of the shaking was his now-teenaged son. “Groot! What do you want?” The raccoon rolls over in bed to discover the time on his clock. “Oh my god! It’s almost 3 in the morning! Go to bed, you have school tomorrow!”
“I... I am Groot.” The tree squeaked as he shuffled his feet.
“Really? Another nightmare? Thought you outgrew them a while ago.” Rocket sighs. Knowing that he didn’t want to make Groot feel bad, he flipped up his blankets. “Fine, you can sleep with me tonight, but you better wake up on time tomorrow.” He states as Groot climbed into bed and got comfortable. “By the way, what was the nightmare about?”
“I am Groot...” Groot pipes up, slightly embarrassed.
“Seriously?!?!” Rocket facepalms himself. “Florida Man?!?!” He couldn’t believe his ears. “Groot, Florida Man ain’t real!”
“I am Groot.” Groot replies.
“I don’t get paid enough to deal with this...” Rocket grumbles. “Groot, you gotta stop believing every cockamamie thing that comes out of Kraglin and Drax’s mouths. They know that you’re young and gullible, you just gotta show them that you’re smarter than they think. Be the better, smarter person! Now go the flark to sleep.” Rocket advises his son sleepily as he yawns and moments later, begins to snore.
Groot was left alone with his thoughts as he too shortly drifted off to sleep. Thankfully this dream didn’t have Florida Man in it and the teenager slept good.
It was morning. Rocket and Groot got up on time and ready for the day. As they went downstairs, the other Guardians were in the kitchen eating breakfast and watching the morning news which covered the events throughout the galaxy.
As Groot sat down with his favorite cereal in a bowl with milk, (a reward since Rocket didn’t have to fight with the ‘Treenager’ for a change, something that was becoming rarer and rarer with each passing day), he too was listening to the daily report.
“In Terran news, the National Football League is set to start the season with modified rules and attendance policies because of the pandemic going around on the planet. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are more than eager for the season to start with Super Bowl hopes thanks to their acquisition of their new Tight End Rob Gronkowski, and their star quarterback Tom Brady, both former New England Patriots.” The newslady read from the teleprompter.
The Guardians booed in unison, their disdain for the Patriots, which they oh-so-lovingly call the ‘Cheatriots’, was one of the multiple things that united them as a family.
“What sellouts.” Peter complains. “Just because Tom Brady and Bill Belichick didn’t get along the last season and lost to the Tennessee Titans in the wildcard round.” Everyone else nods in agreement.
“In other Terran news, a Florida Man was arrested overnight after he was found walking his pet alligator on the sidewalk. The same man then threw a steaming hot bowl of ramen noodles in the officer’s face.” The same newscaster states as Peter turned off the projector.
“See? Ain’tcha glad that we don’t live on Terra?” Rocket decreeds as he grabbed his breakfast. “They’re overrun with IDIOTS on that sad excuse of a planet. No offense, Quill.” He adds as the humie gave him a dirty look.
Just then a horn from outside beeped and a large engine could be heard getting into gear. Groot had just missed the bus to school.
“Ugh!” Rocket groans as he got up from his seat at the kitchen table. “Groot! You were supposed to be out there five minutes ago so that you didn’t miss the bus. Now I gotta drive you to school so that you’re not late, again!”
There was nothing more in this world that embarrassed Groot more than having Rocket drive him to school. Quickly, the treenager thought of a plan.
“I am Groot!” The teen proposes.
“No! You are NOT driving yourself to school.” Rocket replies as Groot stared at his father. “End of story.”
“Come on, Rocket.” Peter begins to negotiate as he draped an arm over Groot’s shoulder. “The kid’s been doing good both in school and at home recently. I think he deserves to have a reward.”
“Ugh, fine!” Rocket concedes as Peter handed the keys to the Milano over to the excited teenager. “But if we find one scratch on the ship, your ass is grass!” He added as Groot grabbed his coat and rushed out the door.
As Groot climbed into the cockpit of the Milano and placed the keys into the ignition, he decides that he would skip school today. After he called the school’s office and faked an illness, (which was easy since the office had a phone system where all Groot had to do was press numbers to indicate why he would not be showing up today, further reducing the cause of suspicion.) Once he was done, he decided on what to do with the free time that he had.
As he navigated the log of various planets, Groot came across Terra. Then he got an idea: he WILL PROVE Florida Man’s existence to the entire galaxy! He smiles to himself as he punched in the coordinates and let the autopilot feature fly to Earth as he dozed off and took a well deserved nap.
A couple of hours later, Groot was awakened by the ship’s alarm system as the monotone voice boomed “DESTINATION AHEAD! WELCOME TO TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA!”
The teen looked at where he was headed and while wiping his still-groggy eyes. “I am Groot?” He says as the ship approaches a pre-determined landing site set by a small airport. Since the area Groot landed in was full of affluent residents, the Milano didn’t stand out amongst the multi-million dollar jets. It also helped that it was early morning so that the paint job wasn’t noticeable.
“I am Groot?” The teen thought to himself. How was he going to prove Florida Man is real? He pondered this as he walked the tree-lined sidewalks.
As Groot continues his walk, he remembers something that Peter said a while back while telling the Guardians all about Florida, where he liked to go on vacation. He also told them about some popular myths and legends, most notably the ones that involved the thing known as Bigfoot, or Sasquatch.
After Peter finished telling the tale, Rocket still didn’t believe it. That is, until Drax sneakily approached up from behind and scared the humie.
Rocket cackled. “HAHAHAHAHA! I guess that Florida’s not the only place people live in fear of Sasquatches!” Peter then gives the rodent a dirty look before retreating to his room for the night.
That’s it! Groot knew that if Peter was scared of this “Sasquatch” or whatever it was, Florida Man must be scared of them too. It’s probably a common Terran fear.
Groot took out his cell phone to research what a “Sasquatch” looked like. Basically, it was no more than a tall humanoid figure that was covered in mud and grass. Since he was wearing his school uniform and he didn’t want Rocket to yell at him for getting it dirty again, Groot changed out of it and into some regular clothes that he had in his backpack. He returned to the Milano to drop off his uniform that he hastily stuffed in his bag and locked the ship up.
The tree then continued his walk. He was about to give up until he heard something. He was coming up to the biggest house that he’s seen yet. In the backyard, there he was: Florida Man!
Well, not exactly THE Florida Man. It was Tom Brady. who was tossing around a clearly DEFLATED FOOTBALL around with his best friend, Rob Gronkowski.
Groot got into action and hid his phone in one of the holes in the tree. He then discovered a small marsh nearby and got himself covered in mud and grass.
Meanwhile, Brady and Gronk were tossing around the deflated football and working on various plays that their new head coach, Bruce Arians, wanted them to work on and perfect.
”Gronk! What the hell, man? You were supposed to catch that!” Tom shouted as the football hit Gronk in the head. “I’m NOT LOSING to the Saints next week!”
“Gronk heard something.” Rob replied. “Gronk think we’re being watched. Gronk think Bill set up cams around here so he can see the plays.”
Tom shook his head. “Do you really think that Belichick’s spying on us? If anything, I’m the one that came up with the whole SPYGATE thing!”
This was Groot’s chance! He ran as fast as he could, although being caked in mud and grass proved to slow him down, that didn’t deter him from his goal: proving Florida Man’s existence.
Groot screamed at the top of his lungs as he leapt into the air as Gronk turned around and screamed like a little girl!
“GRONK DOWN! GRONK DOWN!” The scared football player shouted as Groot’s weight was too much for him and he and the teen fell into the pool.
Luckily, Groot fell on top of Gronk, so his disguise wasn’t ruined and he was able to carry on with the prank as he used Gronk as a stepping stone to avoid the water.
Now it was just him and Tom “Florida Man” Brady.
Brady assumed a fighting stance. “I’m not afraid of you.” He said bravely as he swayed back and forth on his legs. “Unlike Gronk, I’m going to subdue you and take control of the situation until the cops come and then you’re gonna be their problem.” He said as a tiny whistle could barely be heard and a moment later, Brady loss consciousness and joined Gronk in the pool.
“Get’cho ass back to the ship right now!” Rocket’s voice boomed from Groot’s headphones, which were plugged into his iPod. “You are in DEEP TROUBLE when you get home, mister! On the one hand, ya ditched school. Good job! But on the other hand...ya ditched school to do THAT?” He adds as Groot grabbed his cell phone from the tree and Rocket remotely piloted the Milano to Groot’s location.
Groot climbed into the ship. He knew that he would be grounded for A LONG TIME. But before Rocket would pilot him back to the house, Groot made sure to upload the footage that he got to YouTube.
Florida Man IS REAL!