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“Get your knee out of my ass!”
“You don’t like it, find your own fuckin’ closet!”
“It’s my house, ergo my closet. You find another closet.”
“Stark, you’re sitting on me. ‘Get your knee out of my ass!’, remember?”
“I do not sound like that. You, on the other hand, sound like some mutant PMSing hybrid of Pepper and my mother. I may never function properly as a man again. Seriously, I think it’s turning into an inny. Are you happy?”
“Well, no. I was sitting in here quietly, minding my own business, then you barged through the door, sat on me and started telling me about your inverted penis. I’ve had better nights.”
“Barton, I swear to God I’ll - Why the hell are you in here anyway?”
“I jumped ship right after Blondosaurus Rex told you that ‘your hair, though shorter, fruity smelling and flecked with quicksilver, reminded him of his dear Jane’ and he ‘found your little beard to be most cleverly groomed.’ I may not be as smart as you, bub, but I recognise a warning bell when I hear one. I wasn’t running the risk of him grabbing the wrong short guy.”
“My hair does not smell like fucking fruit.”
“Mm, it does smell more like Eau de Cowardice from here. You made the bed, go lie in it. I promise I’ll call an ambulance. Eventually.”
“Shut up, I think I hear him coming.”
“THO-!”
“SHUT UP OR I’LL THROW YOU OUT THERE AS A PEACE OFFERING.”
“...”
“...”
“MY DELICATE BEARDED FLOWER, DO NOT FEAR ME! WE SHALL DRINK AND FEAST AND MAKE MERRY AND I WILL SHOW YOU MY BATTLE SCARS!”
“...”
“...”
“...He’s gone. And I can feel you sniggering in ways I’ve never experienced sober, Barton.”
“Comfy? ‘Cause I live to serve, o hairy tulip. Why the hell did you set that up, man? You know Cap is mead-proof, and you put him up against a three hundred pound alien who hasn’t gotten laid in five months.”
“I never thought he’d come after me. It was all in the pursuit of science. Well, science and an evening not spent watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Romanoff threatened to stab me with a fork the last time I tried to spice it up with my own personal director’s commentary. I thought she had more class than that.”
“And an evening spent squashed into a linen closet cringing in fear of a good hard lovin’ and warming my knee with your buttocks is still preferable to an hour of reality TV?”
“He’d snap me like a twig! And yup.”
“Fair call. You’re a good knee warmer, y’know. If you survive Thor and the whole genius engineer thing doesn’t pan out, I’ll keep you in mind for a position on my staff.”
“ANTHONY, COME TO ME! I WILL TREAT YOU WITH TENDERNESS! I CARE NOT THAT YOU HAVE BEGUN TO SHOW YOUR AGE!”
“Where the hell is he now? And should I be insulted by that? I think I should be insulted by that.”
“He’s offering you dinner and a show, gramps. Suck it up and go for it.”
“Exactly how easy do you think I am?”
“At your age you can’t afford to be picky.”
“Shh. Footsteps again. And if you so much as squeak I will rig –”
“Tony? Tony, are you in there? It’s Steve. You can come out now. ...What on earth are you both doing?”
“Hey, Cap. Stark here’s just keeping me warm.”
“I see that. I don’t think I want to know why.”
“Nope, you don’t. Where’s Goldilocks? Because while I’m sure you’re all gonna make this my fault and on some levels maybe it is, please remember that he’ll flatten me and I have a heart condition and I don’t think I’m over that bad caviar we had a few weeks ago and I am technically a consultant and don’t think I won’t sue because -”
“LADY KOURTNEY WOULD DO WELL TO ENTERTAIN ANOTHER SUITOR. THIS SCOTT IS UNWORTHY OF HER!”
“He’s watching that awful show with Natasha, Tony. He’s forgotten he’s madly in love with you.”
“Oh thank God. Help me up and find me a drink.”
“Tony...”
“COMRADES! WE MUST AVENGE THIS FAIR LADY’S HONOUR! WHO WILL AID ME?”
“You guys have a wonderful evening. I’m staying in here.”
“ANTHONY! CAPTAIN! WE LEAVE FOR CALIFORNIA!”
“BARTON! OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR!”