Chapter Text
Callum was content with his life. He finally thought he had all he’d ever wanted or at least the best he could realistically hope for. No it wasn’t perfect and there were some dreams that he knew would never be realised but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be happy with what he had. He had a job, security and he was finally part of a family. All of which he was truly grateful for.
Growing up he never felt like this, safe, loved, like he belonged somewhere. His mum left him when he was five and as much as he resented the fact she abandoned him, he understood why she needed to escape Jonno. Callum lived in fear of that man for most of young his life, nothing he did was ever good enough. The constant name calling, beatings and neglect had been enough to crush his self-esteem, make him feel worthless and unlovable. He always asked himself if the two people who were supposed to love you and protect you most in the world couldn’t how could anybody else? That thought stayed with him most of his lonely childhood nights where he’d cry himself to sleep feeling so incredibly alone.
Of course he did have snippets of love in the form of Stuart and his Grandad. Stuart tried to take care of Callum and protect him where he could, but it was clear he didn’t always know how. He suffered with the mental scars from the abuse he suffered and as much as he tried he couldn’t always be there or didn’t know how to love. His Grandad always showed kindness and affection. He was Callum’s hero and one major source of light in the darkness of his childhood. However it wasn’t easy to spend time with him, but the little time he did get, was when he felt most safe and loved. When he died Callum felt like all the light has gone from his world and he was destined to spend his days in the darkness that overwhelmed him.
That was until he met Lee Carter. He’ll never forget the day Lee crashed into his world. Callum was thirteen and just about the take another beating from the school bully Steven, when this boy he’d never seen before ran over.
“Get off him!” he yelled as he grabbed the bully and pinned him against the wall.
“Who the hell are you?” Steven shouted “This ain’t none of your business!”
“Well I’m making it my business and if I see you hassling him or anyone else in future, then you’ll know me as your worst nightmare!” The mysterious boy snarled at him.
Callum looked at the two boys and Steven gave him a confused glance. In all honesty, Callum was just as bewildered and shocked as he was. He had no idea who this mystery boy was or why he chose to defend him. Of course he was grateful but no one had ever stood up for him before. It made him feel uneasy in a way. He was perplexed as to why a stranger would care so much about his welfare.
“Whatever!” Steven huffed as he pushed the boy off and stormed away.
“You okay?” The boy asked as he turned towards Callum. Callum took one look at him and his heart began to race. The boy was handsome and had a beautiful smile. Callum was slightly taken aback by the thoughts that crossed his mind when he looked at him. He was almost dazzled by him and couldn’t help but stare. “Mate! You alright?” His daze was broken when the boy spoke again.
“Yeah! Sorry I was just…em…thanks,” he managed to mumble out.
“It’s alright, can’t stand bullies. Why me and my family moved here people picking on me kid brother and sister. Sorry I’m Lee by the way,” he held out a hand to pull Callum up. “Only started here today.”
“Callum,” he replied as he took his hand he felt sparks travel up his arm, making his spine tingle. He had no idea what it was but it terrified him. He thought about all the things his dad said about him not being a fairy and how he would kill him if he turned about to be one of those queers. Lee dropped his hand and he was quickly snapped out of his train of thought. As he regained his composure, he started to convince himself that the feeling was just a reaction to having someone stand up for him. That moment and that day was both one of the best and terrifying of his life. He finally made a friend, one who showed him what family could be. On the other hand, it was the day that feelings stirred in him that at that point he would rather he never had or stayed buried.
After that Lee and him became inseparable. It turned out they had a lot of the same classes so they ended up spending lots of time together. Lee took Callum under his wing and the bullies began to leave him alone. He also introduced Callum to his family and the Carters soon became like the family he never had. Mick and Linda, Lee’s parents treated him as one of their own, fed him, loved him and supported him through some difficult times. Lee’s siblings Nancy and Johnny also became fond of Callum, they were such a tight unit and Callum almost felt like part of it. However he knew he was an outsider really, although he was never made to feel that way, he wasn’t officially one of them. Yet, as the years went by he was happy that he finally had somewhere which felt like home and that he belonged, so the doubts he felt were eased.
One thing that scared him though, was the growing feelings he had for Lee. As much as he tried to bury them and convince himself the love he felt was friendship or like a brother, he couldn’t ignore how Lee made him feel. The more he was around him, the more affection he felt towards him. Every time Lee smiled at him his heart fluttered, when he touched him he felt that same spark he had the first time their hands connected. On the occasions he hugged him, he melted and his body felt like jelly. As they grew older he also began to find Lee’s body physically attractive. Whenever they changed in the same room, he always noticed Lee’s toned muscular physique and it always sent Callum’s pulse soaring. He lost count of the times he’d sneak looks at Lee sleeping or exercising, thinking how handsome he was. Hating himself for it, he knew it was so wrong to feel this way about another boy. His Dad’s vitriolic words ringing in his head on a constant loop.
Lee was always quite popular with the girls. He had a few girlfriends over the years and Callum always hung out with them and ended up keeping one of their girlfriends company, while Lee and the girl were busy. He thought he liked the odd one, but when it came down to it, he couldn’t go further than kissing. Whenever he did kiss any of them, he felt empty, no excitement, no passion. He began to worry he was like his Dad always thought he would be, not a proper man. Constantly questioning himself as to how he could he be, when kissing and touching a girl left him feeling nothing but one look at his best mate without a shirt, sent him into melt down. He hoped eventually he would meet a girl that set his heart alight like Lee did but it never happened.
By the time he was eighteen, Callum was living with the Carters. It came about after another beating from his dad. He can’t even remember what he’d done to wind him up, not that he needed much of a reason. He’d ran to the Carters looking for refuge and they couldn’t bear to see him suffer at the hands of that vile human being anymore. Mick took him to get his things and told Jonno in no uncertain terms if he came anywhere near Callum again he’d end him. It was then he realised what his Dad thought didn’t matter. He was incapable of loving Callum no matter how hard he tried to get him to. He also realised that he had found a family that would love him and care for him no matter what. DNA meant nothing, he had found a family, one that cared more for him than he could ever hope for. He had found a safe place and for the first time in his life didn’t feel completely alone.
Although it seemed most of his problems were resolved, one thing that still terrified him was how he felt about Lee. He still hadn’t met a girl who made him feel the way Lee did. He began to wonder if he ever would meet anyone who could come close. Lee was constantly looking at girls on a night out, but Callum was just not interested. He often thought girls were pretty, but he never looked at them and felt any fire or excitement. However, he realised he quite frequently would find himself glancing at a man in a nice pair of jeans, which accentuated their backside. The butterflies in his stomach on these occasions hinted to him that it probably wasn’t just Lee that could stir arousal in him. He began to suspect he was attracted to men. The thought petrified him still, but he began to realise that as much as he fought it, he couldn’t actually change how he felt.
It all came to a head after one boozy night out. Him and Lee had been out drinking, dancing and had such a good time. Towards the end of the night Callum spotted two blokes dancing together, it looked a little more intimate than what him and Lee had been doing. They were grinding against each other and their hands stroked each other’s chest and backside in a highly provocative way. He was mesmerised watching them and when thy began to kiss he felt arousal shoot through him; heart racing, stomach churning and a definite stirring in his groin. Lee noticed how he reacted to it and something clicked, things finally fell into place for him too. It would explain so much about Callum, he could also sense Callum’s fear and he recognised that he needed to help his friend come to terms with who he was. Fortunately it was also a rare night that Lee hadn’t pulled so they actually went home together. Sitting on Lee’s bed at the end of the night, Lee brought up the topic.
“Are you into girls Callum?” he questioned cautiously.
“What d’ya mean?” Callum nervous replied.
“You never even look at a girl, even when a fit one walks right by you, you don’t bat an eyelid. Then tonight I saw how you were looking at those blokes…and I saw something in you I’d never seen before.” Lee paused before uttering softly, “You know you can tell me anything right?”
Callum felt his whole body flush with heat and his cheeks glowed bright pink. His walls were down due to the alcohol so he decided to be honest, knowing he couldn’t ignore it for much longer. “To be honest I don’t know mate.” He sighed. “When I’m with a girl I never feel much at all, no excitement or nothin. I mean it’s not like I’ve got far with a girl. I’ve kissed a few but it doesn’t get me going like it should. I’ve never wanted to take it any further afterwards. I just thought it might be because I’ve never met the right girl…. But now…well I’m not so sure.”
“What about lads? How do you feel round them?” Lee continued to probe gently.
“Dunno...I…just dunno.” he stumbled over his words he wasn’t sure could be honest but then again he trusted Lee more than he trusted anyone. “Recently I have been noticin guys a little more, but it’s just looking from afar. I’ve never kissed a guy to compare have I?...But I know tonight when I saw those two blokes I felt excited. Most people would feel awkward or uncomfortable but it just seemed…I don’t know ….kinda natural,” he was struggling to voice the thoughts that were whirling in his mind.
“Kiss me!” Leo whispered
“What?” You must be drunk mate you don’t want to…” he was cut off by Lee kissing him, softly pressing his lips to his. In that moment he felt more alive than he ever had. His heart raced so fast it felt like it might burst out of his chest. A heat flowed all through his body and he began to feel arousal in his trousers. The sensation of stubble against his chin, the roughness of his lips as they pressed against his, made Callum tremble all over. Tasting the beer and remnants of whatever shots they had drunk on Lee’s lips, he was sure nothing had ever tasted so good on his life. He felt like he’d lost the ability to breathe, the shock of the moment sucking all the air from his lungs. Lee soon pulled back and Callum instantly missed the feeling of him. He opened his eyes slowly, anxious about what he’d see on Lee’s face.
As he looked at Lee he began to speak, “Just so we’re clear mate that wasn’t me trying it on. I erm…love you…but not in that way,” he almost looked mortified by what he’d done. It had clearly been a heat of the moment thing fuelled by alcohol. “Well?” he asked as he looked at Callum with a warm smile, trying to reassure him. “Did that help?”
Callum felt his cheeks burn red with embarrassment. The kiss had confirmed two things for him. One he was gay. Two he was in love with Lee.
He knew couldn’t tell Lee the whole truth. It was obvious he didn’t feel the same and was just trying to be a good friend. That thought made Callum’s heart swell a little even more for him. Desperately trying to gain back his composure he searched for an answer that would not give too much of his heart away. He settled for half a truth, “Well I enjoyed that more than any kiss I’ve had with a girl, so think that tells me somethin. On the other hand it was weird kissin you, not sure you’re my type!” he laughed.
Lee’s lips curled up and a warmth spread across his face, “So…?” he asked.
“Yeh….I think…well I know…I’m gay,” Callum mumbled almost afraid to say the words out loud.
Lee hugged him as he reassured him, “I’m so proud of you mate.” Callum held onto him so tightly, feeling so vulnerable in that moment. Lee continued comfort him, “Just remember this doesn’t change who you are, you’re still Callum and will always be my best mate! No matter what.” Callum clung to Lee for dear life, arms wrapped tightly around his waist, fingernails digging into his shirt. Breathing deeply, he inhaled Lee’s scent wanting to commit everything about this moment to memory. Knowing that he would never experience this closeness with Lee again and once the hug was broken it would be over. “Love you bro!” Lee confirmed as he pulled away.
And that was that, he came out, finally knowing who he was and it was okay to be him. Slowly he began to have the confidence to tell other people. The Carters accepted it too and embraced it. They were all proud of him and happy he could be himself. He just hoped one day he would meet someone who made his heart dance like Lee did. Stuart struggled at first, but eventually came round to the idea and accepted it. Callum finally felt comfortable in his own skin for the first time and free to be who he was without anyone holding him back.
As the years went on, things began to change. Lee joined the army and it made him even more of a ladies man. Callum would see on his Facebook page, he was with a different girl every weekend. It made him smile, knowing that his friend’s charm and charisma never waned. They didn’t see each other as often but always caught up when he came home and they’d text back and forth all the time. Callum trained as a chef and got a job at a local restaurant. He’d got his own flat and had begun embracing his sexuality. His first relationship had been with a guy called Chris. Callum had met him at work and they’d hit off straight away. Chris had been really patient with Callum and let him take things at his pace. His first time with Chris had been like an epiphany for Callum. It was like an explosion of all the pent up feelings he’d had for years. It felt so natural and right to be doing this with a guy. They were together for about a year and although he was fond of Chris his heart never really fluttered like it did when he was near Lee. He also struggled with being affectionate towards him, he always wanted to be but found he didn’t know how. He blamed the fact he was starved of it as a child, he didn’t know how to show someone love. He tried hard to but it never came naturally and he just let Chris take the lead on cuddling on the couch or spooning in bed. Callum never rejected it when it happened but he didn’t initiate it as he just wasn’t at ease with it all. Eventually their relationship just fizzled out and they agreed they’d be better off as friends. Chris would always be special to Callum, but he knew they weren’t ever going to work in the long run.
He dated a few different guys after Chris. He wasn’t one for one night stands or random hook ups, he’d never been comfortable with the idea of being intimate with someone he barely knew. Often when he met someone he’d go out with them on a few dates, have fun and a couple he’d spent the night with but it always came to nothing. The problem was none of them compared to Lee. He felt like he was destined to spend his life pining for his best mate. Although he finally realised, one day he may just have to accept that he might have to settle for close enough being the best he could get. Hopefully one day he would meet someone who would come close enough and he could find the missing piece of the puzzle. The piece that he desperately needed to replace that last feeling of loneliness with happiness.
He still kept in contact with the Carters and visited them regularly. It was on one visit he met up with Johnny again. He’d always thought of Johnny and Nancy like his little brother and sister and enjoyed spending time with them. Johnny had grown up a lot and Callum noticed the change in him, he recognised he’d become a good looking man. Not quite on a par with Lee but he could see he was attractive in his own way. Johnny was handsome, clean shaven and his eyes showed kindness. His features were softer than Lee’s and his smile had a warmth about it that made Callum feel at ease. His physique was completely different. Johnny was slight and a little bit taller, he was still toned but less muscular. Callum realised he had fallen into two of his new habits. The first one being appraising him on his attractiveness, something he had begun doing with men he spent time with. The other was comparing them to Lee, a habit he desperately wished he could kick. Shaking himself he snapped out of his thoughts. He realised it was weird having these thoughts as they were practically family. So when Johnny asked him to go for a drink, he didn’t think too much of it. He thought it would be good to catch up. They met at a local gay bar, Callum assumed it was for his benefit and Johnny was just trying to be a good mate. They chatted and downed a fair few drinks. It was great talking to Johnny, the conversation flowed effortlessly and they made each other laugh. At times he felt like Johnny was flirting, but he was sure he’d got it wrong, Johnny had always been a tactile person and the alcohol surely added to this. As the evening progressed Johnny dragged Callum up to dance. He was a little bit taken aback when he began to pull him close and grind against him. Initially it made him feel awkward, it was unnerving having someone you’d seen in a purely platonic way behaving like this with you. He wasn’t even sure Johnny was gay and even if he was it didn’t mean he was interested in him. The questions that swirled in his mind were answered when Johnny suddenly grabbed him and crashed their lips together. Although it felt a bit peculiar, his inhibitions were lowered due to the alcohol so he decided to go with it. It was a messy, sloppy kiss and soon became heated. Callum closed his eyes and realised it reminded him of how it felt kissing Lee all those years ago. His heart wasn’t racing like it did then but it’s rate was definitely elevated and perhaps it was the closest he’d got to it since. Johnny’s lips were soft and he opened his mouth allowing Callum to explore. Tasting the alcohol on his tongue and feeling it dancing with his, definitely made him tingle with excitement. He felt a warmth flow through him and a slight twitch in his lower region. Not quite with the intensity of his kiss with Lee but there was definitely arousal. After a short while he pulled away, his forehead wrinkled as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. His eyes scanned Johnny’s face for some sort of answer to his silent question.
Johnny laughed “I’ve been wanting to do that for years,” he said gazing longingly into Callum’s eyes.
“You’re drunk!” Callum giggled.
“Maybe I am, maybe that’s what’s finally given me the courage to act on how I feel.” Johnny frowned at Callum as if he was disappointed about something. “You never realised I’ve had a crush on you for years?” he questioned.
Callum was taken aback by what he’d just heard. “To be honest I didn’t even know you were gay. It never would have entered my head you could fancy me,” he laughed.
“So how bout we get out if here and I show you how much I fancy you?” he whispered in his ear. The sensation of his warmth breath against his neck again raised his pulse slightly. Callum’s head was wrecked, on one hand he was excited at the prospect of taking Johnny home. It had been a while since he had any action and he definitely could do with the release. He also knew Johnny well and would be comfortable with him. If it led to something more and worked out it could be great. He could cement his position as a member of the Carter family. He also knew that he could never be with Lee and Johnny could be the next best thing. Him and Lee were similar in a lot of ways, he could possibly be the close enough he was happy to settle for. On the other hand, if he went for it and it went wrong he could risk losing the only family he’d ever had as well as his best mate. He could never expect Lee to chose him over Johnny. It was a big risk and one he wasn’t sure he was willing to take. It had taken Callum so long to find a family who loved and accepted him, he couldn’t bear the thought of jeopardising that.
He was conflicted but also knew that the alcohol in which he had drank, would prevent him from making a reasonable decision. He decided to be sensible, “Tell me you want this when you’re sober and we’ll talk.” He pressed one soft kiss to Johnny’s lips then pulled him off the dance floor. “Time to go home,” he demanded.
Waking up the next morning Callum felt a pang of embarrassment about what happened the previous night. Fully believing it to be a moment of drunken stupidity, Callum didn’t believe anything would come of the drunken kiss. He was hoping him and Johnny would laugh it off and could go back to being as they were before. Johnny had other ideas it seemed. He was persistent, even when Callum shared his concerns about them getting together, he never gave up in pursuing him. Callum was eventually worn down and agreed to give it a go, on the condition that they talked it through with the rest of the Carters and they were okay with it. Johnny felt like they we’re asking permission to be together and wasn’t keen about it at first. It felt a bit to him like more of a business negotiation and took away some of the romance. But he really wanted a chance to be with Callum and if this was the only way then he was going to take it. The Carters reassured them they would be delighted for them to be together and no matter what happened Callum would always be part of the family. They thought they were perfect for each other. Lee made a joke about having to kick Callum’s ass if he ever hurt his brother. Callum thought that was hilarious but it also scared him. He didn’t realise he’d also given Johnny the same warning about Callum. In the end it all turned out pretty well, he grew to love Johnny. He never had the fire for him he once had for Lee, but accepted that what they shared was a different kind of love. The sex was good, the best he’d had and he felt more comfortable with and closer to Johnny than any other guy he’d been with. He also felt even more like part of the Carter family.
Him and Johnny moved in together after about a year. Although he was far more comfortable with Johnny, he still had the issues with showing affection. He could tell Johnny sometimes craved for Callum’s touch and desperately tried to seek it. Always hugging him from behind or leaning his head on his shoulder as they watched a movie on the couch. He felt he was more affectionate with Johnny than Chris but still it didn’t come easy to him. Johnny was very patient with him and always showed him how much he meant to him. He’d always make an effort to plan romantic dates and make Callum feel special. He also seemed to accept that Callum found it hard to do the same so never pushed him on it. Callum felt safe and loved, it was all he could have hoped for. When Johnny proposed two years later Callum immediately accepted. The Carters were delighted and Mick even said he was officially about to become one of them. It was a given he would take Johnny’s name, finally a way to break free of the shackles of his past. The idea of becoming a Carter, made him feel a sense of pride and security. Sometimes he wondered if he was settling for second best but he knew that was okay, he was still more than happy with everything he had.
That’s how he got to be where he was today, he was content. He had all he ever wanted as a kid, being part of a proper family, safe and loved. He was determined to cling on to it with everything he had. He told himself that there would be no point in ever letting go. He felt like he wouldn’t ever be able to find anything better than what he he had. Of course little did he know a chain of events was about to begin that would change everything. One that would take him on a very different path than the one he had mapped out. One that meant his life would never be the same again.