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Concerts are generally the same thing over and over. It’s fun every time, and I always get a rush from it, but things don’t differ too much. The set list is the same, the hype is always the same, and although there’s one or two things per show that change it up, it gets a little boring.
I guess the universe heard me complaining to Taehyung about it last night though, because this concert has really been something. It started normal, with the hyped up crowd and the same set list we’ve been using for weeks.
Slowly something has felt off, though. I’ve seen more security walking in the crowds, the costume breaks are taking longer than usual, everyone seems on edge. Like everyone knows something we don’t, and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
It’s one such costume break, where we’re all ready to go back out and being held back by our manager, that I turn to everyone else.
“This is a little weird, right? Like, it’s not just me?” I question, watching as Hoseok attempts to bury his face in Yoongi’s hair. Yoongi, in retaliation, just pulls him tighter to him. But he shrugs to me, not giving a straight answer.
“I mean, yeah, a little. But we’ve dealt with weirder.” He answers, Namjoon nodding.
“Definitely, I wouldn’t worry too much.” He comes over to my side, wrapping an arm around my waist and kissing my temple. I frown still, not happy with those responses.
So I turn to Taehyung and Jeongguk, who are both being smothered by Seokjin. The hardest part about tours for us at this point are honestly not getting to love each other like we want. Since we started our relationship about a year ago, keeping away from each other for so long has gotten a lot harder.
“Do you guys think that too? Nothing to worry about?” I ask them, Jeongguk looking up at me and shrugging much like Yoongi did.
“I mean, it definitely seems like everyone knows something and we were left out of the loop. I wouldn’t worry, but it also wouldn’t hurt to keep our eyes open.”
He’s right, I shouldn’t be so paranoid. But it isn’t like we haven’t received death threats before, both as a group and individually. Hell, there was that one time the entire police department was on the case because so many people freaked out over a threat against me. But in all those cases we were told about the threat, told in advance. Maybe it isn’t something like that and I’m just freaking out too much, I should just focus on the show. Yeah, focus on the show.
I take a deep breath, my mind clearing a bit when we’re told to get back on stage. Everything’s fine, everything’s normal. It’s Taehyung’s solo first, and then we transition into Fake Love. I watch with earnest as he performs, my heart expanding three times the size it normally is and all my worries flowing away.
Taehyung has that kind of effect on you, he just makes you calm, relaxed. I love him so much, I love all of them so much. Watching them perform just makes me feel even better about that, and makes me wonder what I did to deserve these six amazing people.
We’re being ushered on stage, Taehyung’s song finished and I barely realized. I run up the stage, getting into position as I normally do. This is all instinct now, I rarely have to think to do a performance, I just let my muscles and my voice take over. I let the music wash over me, control me, soothe me.
It all happens so fast. One minute Fake Love is playing and everything is going great. And then it’s chaos.
There was a loud sound, I vaguely recognized it, but my subconscious must have realized sooner because I dropped to the ground in panic. Screams echo around the stadium, I can hear the staff freaking out and the music has cut out. My ears are ringing, but there’s no more loud sounds.
And then I look up.
My breath catches in my throat as I see Jeongguk lying on the stage, stomach rising and falling sporadically as he stares at the ceiling. His white tour shirt is staining red, and I can feel the blood rush from my face.
“Jeongguk!” I scream, getting to my feet and rushing over to him, threat be damned.
Taehyung and Seokjin had already reached him, are desperately trying to keep him awake but I can see he’s nodding off. I join the two of them, grabbing Jeongguk’s left hand as Seokjin holds his right. Taehyung is caressing his cheek, I can see Namjoon standing over us with a phone to his ear. It sounds like he’s calling emergency services, but my ears are still ringing.
Yoongi collapses next to me, mouth open as if he wants to scream but can’t. Hoseok is standing next to Seokjin with his hands over his mouth, shaking his head, sobbing. Namjoon is speaking to one of us, and I really hope it isn’t me because I can’t hear him.
Hoseok is kneeling now, taking his jacket off and pressing it to Jeongguk’s wound. The jacket quickly stains with blood, but Hoseok keeps applying the pressure. Jeongguk doesn’t react to it at all.
I’m speaking but I don’t know what I’m saying, I don’t know what to do. Jeongguk isn’t reacting to anything, he’s staring up at the ceiling, his mouth moving but nothing coming out except harsh breaths. And then even those aren’t coming out anymore.
Everything tunes back in, I can hear Namjoon talking in English, I can hear everyone sobbing, I can hear Army screaming as they’re escorted out, I can hear security that has now circled us while others are on the floor searching for the shooter.
And I can hear the distinct lack of Jeongguk breathing. His stomach has stopped moving, his stare has become blank.
“Namjoon, Namjoon he stopped breathing!” I shriek, panic overtaking my senses that I’ve regained. I hear him curse, can hear his sobs as he talks to the person over the phone.
“Yoongi, start- start CPR, 30 to- to 2, Hoseok k- keep ap- pplying pressure, an amb- ambulance will be here soon.” Namjoon stutters in his words, but Yoongi seems to have shaken himself out of his shock. He moves closer, pushing past Seokjin who has backed himself away in a crying fit.
Yoongi starts pushing on Jeongguk’s chest, tries to restart his heart. Hoseok keeps the jacket over Jeongguk’s stomach, his hands starting to turn red as well. Taehyung is leaning against me for support, clutching Jeongguk’s arm.
Yoongi continues CPR for a while it seems before an ambulance arrives, and everything muddles again. We’re all pushed away from Jeongguk, but not without a fight. I scream and push towards him, but the paramedics are stronger, they hold me back.
Namjoon is behind me suddenly, holding me back instead as the paramedics continue CPR on Jeongguk’s body. He’s holding me tightly, burying his face in my neck and sobbing much harder than I’ve ever seen.
Seokjin is holding Taehyung, Hoseok and Yoongi have each other too. The paramedic performing CPR yells out, and Namjoon releases a shuddering breath.
“They got his heart started.” He tells us all, and my sobbing quiets down just a bit. The paramedics then lift Jeongguk onto a gurney, and carefully place him in the back of the ambulance. Namjoon runs forward, dragging me with him, and he starts speaking to the paramedics. I can only barely make out what he’s saying in my haze, my eyes glued to Jeongguk.
The paramedics shake their head, closing the doors in our face and the sirens blare.
“Wait, we have to go with! We have to go to the hospital with him!” I shout, not understanding why at least one of us isn’t in the ambulance with Jeongguk.
Namjoon shakes his head, grasping my shoulders. “We’re going too, the company car should be out back. Come on!” He grabs my hand, drags me towards backstage. He shouts for the others, all of which starts following us with no questions asked.
It takes maybe a minute for us to navigate to the back exit, where the company car is waiting for us. The driver doesn’t need words, the moment the door is closed he’s off. He seems to know where to go, so none of us say anything.
Taehyung has started hugging me now, and Hoseok is on my other side. I hug Taehyung back, letting him cry into my chest as I cry into Hoseok’s arm. We’re all crying, maybe not sobbing, but there’s still too many tears.
Hoseok looks down at his hands, tears falling onto his arms. “My hands,” He starts quietly. “Are covered in our baby’s blood.”
It’s a simple statement, but it just makes everyone cry harder.
By the time we reach the hospital, we’re all a little more cried out. Hoseok is sniffling, and Taehyung is whimpering. Yoongi has gotten quiet, his eyes red and puffy, silent tears still falling down his face. But Seokjin, Namjoon, and I have all more or less calmed ourselves down.
They got his heart started again, they rushed him here to the hospital. Jeonggukie will be fine, our Jeongguk will be fine.
We’re taken by security through the back of the hospital, into an empty waiting room with guards posted at the doors. It’s a little much, but after what just happened it makes me feel much safer. Namjoon goes up to the nurse who just walked in, talks to her for a moment as I watch Hoseok clean his hands of Jeongguk’s blood. Namjoon’s conversation continues for a minute before he’s coming back to us, wrapping his arms around Seokjin from behind.
“Uh, he’s in surgery,” He’s quiet, his voice sounds broken. “His heart stopped again in the ambulance, but they got it going again. Said it’s probably from shock, blood loss, things like that.”
Yoongi gasps before letting the breath out slowly, collapsing into a seat and putting his head in his hands.
Hoseok opens and closes his mouth a few times, like he wants to say something. I walk up to him, opening my arms for a hug. He takes it, hugging me to his chest tightly. He nuzzles my temple before glancing up at Namjoon.
“His heart stopped twice already, do they think…?”
“Don’t go there.” I scold, not wanting to think about the most likely outcome of this. Jeongguk was bleeding really heavily, he went into shock really quickly, and his heart stopped twice. Most doctors are going to tell us that the most probable outcome is death.
I have to take a breath just at the thought, stop more tears because I’m dehydrated enough as is.
Taehyung nods. “Jimin’s right,” He speaks for the first time. “We shouldn’t think like that.”
“But we have to,” Yoongi looks up, still silently crying. “We have to think like that, because it may happen and I don’t want it too but it can and we have to be ready for it.”
Namjoon nods slowly, Hoseok just drops his head to my shoulder. Taehyung sits down next to Yoongi, taking one of his hands and dropping his head against the wall.
Everything is quiet for a moment, and then Seokjin falls to the ground, sobbing again. Namjoon follows him, holding him tighter as Seokjin just sobs.
He screams, a loud, high pitched wail that breaks my heart and sends shivers down my spine. He punches the ground, his tears splashing on the tile as he just sits and sobs and screams, curling into himself as Namjoon tries to reassure him, tries to hold him and comfort him.
I look to Hoseok, who nods once before letting me go. The two of us rush over to the pair on the ground. I sit next to Seokjin, nuzzling into his side and sliding my arms around his waist above Namjoon’s. Hoseok sits in front of him, letting Seokjin rest his head on his collarbone as he sobs. He pets the eldest’s hair, not bothering to say reassuring words when none of us have them.
Taehyung and Yoongi come over last, but join us on the ground anyways. Yoongi sits on Seokjin’s other side, Taehyung comforts Namjoon behind us. We’re all crying, but Seokjin is broken. He is devastated and sobbing and none of us know what to do.
We just sit there and hug him, listening to him sob and scream. I see our manager, Sejin, step in for a minute but he walks out just as quickly when he sees Seokjin breaking down.
It takes a long time for Seokjin to calm down. I don’t know how long exactly, but it feels like a very long time. Even when he does stop crying, it seems it’s only because he’s run out of tears, not because he actively tried to.
He takes a breath, pulling Hoseok closer to him as he closes his eyes and speaks. “I don’t want to say goodbye to him.”
He says it in a weak, raspy voice, vocal cords shot from the screaming and sobbing. But it’s the right thing to say, the only thing to say. It encompasses all of our feelings just like that, in one simple sentence.
We sit there on the floor, tangled together, for what seems like hours. Maybe it’s only a few minutes, I can’t tell. None of us speak, none of us move, none of us do anything but just hug each other and cry. That is, until Sejin walks in.
“Boys?” He asks, and we all very slowly look up to our manager. He looks upset, although nowhere near the devastation we are at. “Are you okay?”
Hoseok lets out a humorless chuckle. “What makes you think by any means we’re okay? Our baby got shot.” He has venom in his voice, and if I wasn’t so exhausted it may have scared me.
“I meant more physically.” Sejin is looking awkward, I don’t blame him. All seven of us have developed a pretty good relationship with our manager, but right now he can do nothing for us. And he knows it.
“None of us got hurt physically.” Namjoon answers, obviously biting back the bitterness. Sejin did nothing wrong, at least not that we know of.
That we know of… “What happened?” I choose to ask. Sejin takes in a quick breath, and that should be the first red flag but I choose to ignore it.
“There was a man, young. The police caught him before he left the stadium, but he seems to have had something against the group.”
I glance to Yoongi, who seems to have thought the same thing I did as he’s now sitting a little straighter.
“And did we know of this threat?” He’s asking in the broad sense, not the seven of us but our staff.
Another pause. “We heard of one.”
Seokjin tenses in my grasp. He looks up, no longer looking sad but angry. Downright angry. “What?” He growls.
Sejin sighs, looking at the ground. “We heard about a possible threat, it’s why we held you guys back longer, why there was heightened security. But we weren’t sure, it was a lot more vague than what we’d dealt with before.”
Seokjin is on his feet before Sejin is done speaking, advancing on the man with such an angry look on his face. Tears are spilling down his cheeks again, and his voice is completely shot.
“You mean to say that you knew something could have happened and you didn’t think to tell us?” He bites, pointing an accusing finger to the older man.
Sejin just nods, looking at all of us. “I knew how affected you guys got last time, with something as vague as this we didn’t want to risk it.”
Seokjin probably would have slapped Sejin if not for Hoseok standing up and holding him back. “That is not your choice to make!” Seokjin screams.
I stand as well, all of us are now. We watch as Seokjin yells at Sejin, so much hurt in his tone it’s almost masked by the shouting.
“You make many decisions for us, but you do not get to decide on our lives! If we knew we would have kept an eye out, we would have spotted it, we wouldn’t be here right now! Jeongguk might not be dying!”
It’s the first time any of us have said it out right. And it shows, as the room tenses and goes silent. It’s almost like no one is breathing it’s so damn quiet as everyone finally realizes it. Jeongguk is dying. In a few hours, we might lose a boyfriend, a best friend, a member of the band, someone we love with so much of our hearts.
It physically pains me to admit to myself.
Seokjin is walking towards Sejin again, pushes him harshly towards the door. “Get out of here. You can find out about Jeongguk some other way, but we do not want you here.”
He doesn’t ask us if that’s true, of course, but it doesn’t matter. We’ve all known each other long enough to be able to read each other, and I know I don’t want him here. I want Sejin gone, he doesn’t deserve to be in this room right now.
And I think he realizes that, because he just nods, bows, and leaves. No more words, no more sentiments, just wordless acceptance and departure. Then we’re back to silence.
Seokjin drops his arm, which he was holding up tensely. He then brings his other one to his face, dragging it across his face and wiping away his tears.
“I’m sorry guys,” He whispers. “I didn’t mean to yell like that.”
“You were right, though.” Taehyung admits, which surprises me. Out of us all, Taehyung is the least likely to involve himself in conflict. He hates fighting. “He shouldn’t have kept it from us. Maybe we wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t.”
“What’s done is done,” Namjoon shrugs. “We need to just focus on what we can do to help Jeongguk now.”
And almost on cue, the door opens. I tense up as a doctor walks in, looking grim. I don’t want to think it, don’t want to assume the worst, but I prepare myself for it. Steel my bones, promise myself I won’t collapse on the ground.
Namjoon walks up to the doctor and they start speaking in English. I pick up more this time, but I’m still confused. I move closer to whoever’s near me on instinct, and find everyone else doing the same. We end up in a huddle, waiting for Namjoon to turn and translate.
When he does, he isn’t sobbing, and he isn’t looking like his world has collapsed so I start thinking for the better. I start hoping.
“The surgery went okay, but he’s really weak. If he even has a chance, he needs a blood transfusion,” Namjoon admits. “I know I have the right blood type, but do any of you have blood type A? He said the more the better.”
I nod, stepping forward, and Hoseok does as well. I tilt my head, frowning.
“Hobi, you’re terrified of needles.”
He shrugs, looking more fearless then I’ve ever seen. “If it’s for Jeongguk, I’d do anything.”
It makes me smile, even after everything. Knowing that Hoseok would do that for Jeongguk, and probably for any of us, it makes me smile. Namjoon smiles too, nods, and turns back to the doctor. He gestures to Hoseok and I, and the two converse for a while before we’re taken out of the room.
I let Taehyung give me a kiss beforehand, and Yoongi ruffle my hair. Then I take Hoseok’s hand and follow Namjoon down a hall and into a small lab room. The doctor talks with Namjoon while he’s getting the bags and needles set up, and Hoseok starts fidgeting quite a bit.
I squeeze his hand tighter, nudging Namjoon not too gently and motioning towards Hobi. He nods, turns back to the doctor, speaks some more, and then turns to us.
“We’re gonna do Hoseok first, then you and me at the same time. That way if he reacts poorly, he can recover a bit.”
I nod, smiling. “Okay,” I turn to Hoseok, who’s gone pale. “You’re gonna be okay, Hobi. Namjoon and I will be right here, we won’t let them hurt you or take too much, okay?”
He nods, giving me a strained smile but not saying anything. I frown, but nod anyways. I give the doctor a thumbs up, and we’re lead towards the chair in the corner of the room. Hoseok sits down in the slightly reclined chair, and Namjoon guides him to put his arm on the side table. Hoseok starts breathing a bit heavier, watching as the doctor gets a needle ready, so I grab his chin with my one hand and direct his eyes towards me.
“Hey, hey, look at me, look at me darling.” I say, and he glues his eyes to me. Namjoon comes and sits behind me, resting one hand on my shoulder and the other on Hoseok’s.
“Jiminie, I’m scared.” He gulps, laughing weakly after. I nod, holding his hand with one of my own and using my other hand to caress his face.
“It’s okay, you’re allowed to be. Just focus on me and Joonie, okay?” I nod, and he nods back. “Wanna sing a song?”
He nods wildly, and I look back at Namjoon, who agrees as well. I look back to Hoseok, keeping my eyes trained on him as I smile and start singing quietly.
I start singing a slower version of Idol, a good distraction since I know Hoseok likes it so much. He sings along with me, even Namjoon joins in quietly. Hoseok flinches a bit when the doctor sticks the needle in his arm, apparently having found a vein, but I grasp his chin and keep him from turning his head. I sing a little louder, and he does too.
When it gets to his verse he starts rapping, a little smile showing up on his face as Namjoon backs him up. I nod, whispering praises and how he’s doing good. And then his words get a little slurred, and his smile falls, and he blinks a few times, and then absolute panic covers his face.
“Minie, Minie I can’t see.” He murmurs, sounding like he’s half asleep. His head rolls to the side, his eyes close, and I look over at Namjoon. He just passed out, Hoseok just passed out. “Min…”
I look back to Hoseok, he’s woken up again. The doctor backs away, starts speaking, takes the needle out of Hoseok’s arm. I grasp Hoseok’s hand tighter, putting my other hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, babe, it’s okay. Come on, come back to me.” I whisper, patting the side of his neck a few times. He blinks, keeps blinking, until his eyes focus on me again.
“I think I’m gonna be sick.” He mumbles. I turn to Namjoon, who’s closer to the garbage, but he seems to have heard already. He picks up the trashcan and brings it over just quick enough for Hoseok to grab it and dry heave into it.
I frown, rubbing his back as Namjoon puts a cold towel over the back of Hoseok’s neck.
“Is this a normal reaction?” I ask, and Namjoon nods.
“Yeah, considering how little we eat on concert days, and since he probably hasn’t gotten his blood drawn in a while, this is perfectly normal.”
My frown deepens, but I’m a little less concerned now that I know this is normal. Hoseok eventually backs away from the garbage, groaning and curling into my side. I chuckle, pressing the cold cloth to his neck a little harder and wiping his sweaty bangs from his head. Namjoon hands me a juice box and some crackers.
I push Hoseok away from me gently, letting him lie back in the chair, and kneeling down so I’m more or less the same height as his head.
“Hey, you should drink this,” I give the juice box to him and he hesitantly takes a sip. I keep stroking his hair. “Good, small sips, don’t take too much.”
He nods.
“Jimin, it’s our turn.” Namjoon announces, and I nod. I put the crackers in Hoseok’s lap, and he looks at me oddly.
“When you’re done with the juice box, snack on those, okay? Slowly.” I warn him again, and he nods, still refusing to speak.
I turn around and let the doctor direct me to a chair, a nurse has joined him now. She gets started on my arm while the doctor takes care of Namjoon. We both get through the process easily, and I watch with interest as the blood is taken from my arm and into a bag.
Namjoon chooses instead to watch me, smiling at me the whole time. I don’t think he realized I could see him in my peripheral. When it’s done, I feel groggy but not tired. Definitely not like Hoseok, who has regained a bit of his energy after drinking the juice and now munching the crackers.
I’m also given juice and crackers, same with Namjoon, and we’re ordered to sit and snack for at least ten minutes before going back to the waiting room. I smile politely as the doctor and nurse leave, staying in my seat for all of thirty seconds after the door shuts.
Then I spring up, feeling mostly fine, and wobble over to Hoseok. I kneel down beside him, taking his hand and smiling.
“You doing okay?” I ask, and he nods.
“As long as it helps Gukkie.”
“It will.” Namjoon pipes up, but he’s staring at the floor and looking unsure of himself even after he says it. “It has too.”
***
It’s been an hour since Namjoon, Hoseok, and I got our blood drawn. I’m definitely awake again, and just as depressed as before. We’ve heard nothing from the doctors, nothing from the nurses, nothing from Sejin, nothing at all.
We’ve sat mostly in silence, a comment is said here or there, mostly along the lines of “how do you think he’s doing?” or “I hope he’s okay”. No one cries anymore, I don’t think we’re physically capable of it.
I’m sitting in one of the highly uncomfortable plastic chairs, Yoongi on the floor leaning against my legs. Hoseok is on my left, his hand in mine, and Taehyung is to my right, his head on my shoulder and his hands around my arm. I sigh, resting my head on top of Tae’s.
It’s been a long day. I just want to know if Jeongguk is okay.
“Excuse me?” I recognize those words, despite them being in English. I look up, spotting the doctor standing in the doorway. It’s a different doctor then the one that took my blood, he looks older.
Namjoon stands, taking Jin with him since he refuses to let go of his hand. The two talk, and I recognize most of the words but I’m too exhausted to try and translate it myself. Yoongi seems to pick up more than me though, because he lets out a loud breath and puts his head to the floor.
It’s at the same time Namjoon drops to his knees, putting his head in his arms on the ground and sobbing. I immediately panic, fearing the worst, but Yoongi starts shaking his head.
“He’s okay, he’s going to be okay, he’s going to live.” He forces out, taking shaky breaths to stop himself from crying more. My heart stills, and my eyes tear up but I don’t cry. Instead I just thank the universe, I thank whatever God is watching, I thank whatever made my baby live.
I stand up, making Yoongi look up at me and watch as I walk over towards Namjoon who is finally letting it out. He’s collapsed in front of the doctor, sobbing, thanks spilling from his lips like prayers in both Korean and English.
I bend down next to Seokjin, putting a hand on Namjoon’s back as Seokjin murmurs things in his ear. One by one everyone else comes over too, and we all just make our presence known by laying a hand on our leader somewhere. On his back, his shoulder, his hair.
It takes maybe a few minutes for him to calm down, but he looks immensely better after actually sobbing about it. Red eyed and distraught, but better.
“Can we see him?” I ask, knowing enough English to say as much. The doctor nods, still not knowing quite what to do after Namjoon’s breakdown, and watches with interest as we drag Namjoon back to his feet.
Then the doctor waves at us to follow him, and he leads us out of the waiting area and into the hospital. We follow him in a huddled group, at least one hand on someone around us, doesn’t matter who. As long as we have each other, we can deal with this.
I take deep, steadying breaths as we walk down the hall. I don’t pay attention to what turns we make or the signs that pass, I just focus on my breathing and my heartbeat. I try and keep it slow, calm, I try to keep my brain from wandering to places I don’t want to think.
All of that goes crashing through the window once the doctor stops us in front of a door. He looks to us all, then opens the door and steps aside. Namjoon goes in first, then Seokjin, then Hoseok, then Yoongi, and then it’s my turn. I step in, my eyes glued to the floor so I can move out of the way for Taehyung to come into the room as well. He lets out a loud gasp, and I hear the door shut behind him.
With one last deep breath, I bring my head up, and feel tears stinging my eyes. Jeongguk is lying on the hospital bed, eyes closed, hooked up to many machines. One is a heart monitor, beeping away in the background. One is an IV, which is connected to a vein in his hand. I see wires in his nose, leading towards a bag behind the bed that’s slowly filling with reddish brown liquid. Finally, a tube is run down his throat, leading to a quietly whirring machine also placed behind the bed.
None of us speak. I think Seokjin’s started crying again, but I can’t really focus on that. I just focus on the mechanical heartbeat, listening to it beep beep beep. He’s alive. He’s not awake, he isn’t fixed, but he’s alive and he’s getting there. He’s going to be okay.
“Hey,” Yoongi is in front of me, his hands on my cheeks, his thumbs stroking across them. “It’s okay.”
I didn’t realize I started crying, but apparently I had. I bring Yoongi into a hug, needing something. I really want to hug Jeongguk, but I can’t. I don’t know if he’d be alright if I did. Taehyung has Hoseok holding him from behind, almost as if he’s physically restraining the both of them from grabbing Jeongguk.
Namjoon is sitting in a chair next to Jeongguk’s bed, Seokjin on his knees holding Jeongguk’s hand on the other side.
It’s an unspoken agreement for none of us to say anything, to just watch the boy in the bed and let our minds persuade us that it will be okay. The heart monitor is steady, his breathing is controlled, his wound is stitched up. He’s okay.
“Uh,” Hoseok clears his throat. “What are all of…?” He waves his hand towards Jeongguk, and the wires and tubes connected to him. We all look to Namjoon pointedly, hoping that the doctor told him something.
He lets out a breath, but nods. “Um, they’re just to keep him going right. The tube down his throat helps him breathe, the one in his nose is taking blood out of his stomach.”
“Wait, he has blood inside his stomach?” Yoongi interjects, and Namjoon hums once to confirm it. “Shouldn’t they have taken it out during surgery?”
“They took out most of it, yeah,” Namjoon is talking a bit steadier now. “But there were still trace amounts, it’s why there isn’t much coming out anymore.”
Yoongi seems okay with that explanation, chooses not to say anymore on the matter. Taehyung doesn’t seem eased though, in fact he’s fidgeting with Hoseok’s fingers on his stomach, twirling the ring on his left hand.
“Namjoon?” He asks quietly.
Said man looks to Taehyung with a tilt of his head, silently asking him to continue.
Tae takes a second, hesitates, and then asks in a very meek voice, “What exactly happened?”
It’s not a question of what happened in the stadium, we know that. Jeongguk, our baby, got shot. But it’s a question of how bad was it, why did his heart stop so quickly. And from Namjoon’s harsh gasp, it wasn’t a question he wants to answer.
But he does, for us.
“The bullet pierced his stomach, clipped an artery. It’s why he bled so quickly, why he went into shock as quick as he did, why-” He chokes on his words. “Why he was legally dead for four minutes.”
“It was four minutes?” Seokjin asks, staring at Jeongguk’s hand and looking spaced out. Namjoon nods, Yoongi shrugs.
“I was doing CPR for at least three, it makes sense.” He admits, holding me a little tighter.
Namjoon looks a bit like a bobblehead with how much he’s nodding, but it seems his mind has escaped him a little bit. I understand, he takes his title as leader to heart. He probably feels guilty, like he should have known and should have protected Jeongguk. I’m sure we all feel that way, I know I do.
We all go back to being quiet, only the sound of the heart monitor in the background accompanying us. It makes a nice beat. I chuckle. Of course, even in a time like this my mind goes to music. But it is a nice beat, a nice rhythm, a nice sound. I bet Yoongi and Namjoon could make one hell of a song using it.
“How long should he be asleep?” I ask, and Namjoon shrugs.
“Don’t know. We just have to press the button when he does wake up, so the doctors can come in.”
Another pause, but this time I feel uncomfortable. I feel like we should do something, try to comfort each other and Jeongguk, maybe even try to wake him up? I don’t know, I just want…Something.
So I listen to the heart monitor, I listen to it’s beat. The rhythmic thumping of his heart, the little thing letting me know that he is alive. And I take that rhythm, and I start to sing.
I sing quietly, softly. But I sing the beginning of Euphoria, the song we all know so well because it’s our baby’s song. It’s his song to us, and we know that’s what it is. I sing the first part of the first verse on my own, everyone either watching me or Jeongguk. And then, on the second part, Taehyung joins in. The two of us sing the rest of the verse, and when the bridge comes both Seokjin and Hoseok join in too. Finally, near the end of the bridge, Yoongi and Namjoon shyly start singing.
I smile, keeping my eyes on Jeongguk as long as I can, my vision slowly blurring.
“Take my hands now, you are the cause of my euphoria.” We all sing together, before going into the rest of the chorus. We harmonize, knowing each other’s voices well enough to match and differ perfectly.
At some point my vision gets too blurry to keep looking at Jeongguk and I lower my head, staring instead at the ground as I wipe my eyes and keep singing.
The feeling I get in my chest is warm, having all of my boyfriends, my best friends, singing with me. Having them here, and comforting, and together in the best way. But I also feel hollow, not having one of them. Knowing that one of them is lying in front of me, unconscious and barely able to breathe on his own.
It’s what pushes me to sing a little stronger, to sing past my sadness and my tears, and just focus on the words and the melody and the harmony flowing through the room.
I pick up Seokjin’s beautiful voice, shaky as it is right now. He’s still strong, even through the breakdown he holding back. Taehyung’s voice is softer, deeper, taking on the lower part of the harmony. Hoseok is also pretty strong, and still sounds like he has a smile on his face even if he doesn’t. I can picture his smile when he sings, and it gives me some ease.
Namjoon is unsure and insecure. It gets better the longer we go, he starts to harmonize a bit better and starts to find a better way to blend with our voices. Yoongi is just quiet, barely singing, but definitely there. I don’t know if the others can hear him, but I can and it’s still beautiful.
The lack of Jeongguk’s voice does not go unnoticed, as the harmony sounds like it’s lacking something, like we’ve purposefully left a spot open for Jeongguk to complete it. It isn’t complete without him, we aren’t complete without him.
“Close the door now, when I’m with you I’m in utopia.” We finish the song, not going further. At this point, we’d all be bawling if we did. But it was enough, it was exactly what felt right at the time, and so it was what we did.
I keep my eyes on the ground, I keep my grip on Yoongi tight. I want him to wake up, please let my baby wake up.
“Hey, Bun.”
I snap my head up so quickly at the sound of Seokjin’s voice, I’m surprised I don’t get whiplash. Sure enough, from what Seokjin’s shaky words would have implied, Jeongguk is now lying in the bed with his eyes wide open.
He moves his head slightly, not having too much motion with the tube down his throat. But he moves just enough to lock eyes with Seokjin, who’s crying again. Then he looks at Taehyung and Hoseok, then Yoongi and me, and ends on Namjoon.
We’re all crying, although quietly. I watch as Seokjin bends down, kissing Jeongguk’s hand and whispering thanks. Jeongguk very carefully lifts his other hand, conscious of the IV, and brings it across his chest. He pats Seokjin’s head, running his fingers through his hair, and that just makes our older hyung cry more.
Namjoon stands up, pressing the call button on the side of the bed. Then he looks to us and waves towards the door, letting us know that we need to start making our way out. Taehyung and Hoseok are the first to leave, Hoseok guiding Taehyung out of the room hesitantly.
Jeongguk watches them go, then watches as Namjoon takes Seokjin and helps him to his feet, walking him out the door. Then he watches as Yoongi leaves with a small smile, and finally he looks at me.
He can’t smile, can’t speak, can’t do anything really. But he has so much love in his eyes, so much happiness, it says a thousand things. I smile to him, giving him a finger-heart and blowing him a kiss. His eyes sparkle at that, and he slowly lifts his hand to give me the finger-heart back.
I laugh, letting a few tears spill down, then I turn and walk towards the door. I step out into the hallway just as the doctors come rushing in, two doctors and three nurses from the looks of it. They crowd into the room, talking over each other and giving out orders.
I sigh, letting the last few tears fall before I can finally, finally relax and compose myself. When I look around I see everyone else doing more or less the same thing. It’s a nice sight, after the last few hours of nothing but depression and worry. Seeing everyone calm down and just be okay is really nice.
I walk up to Seokjin, who’s having the hardest time calming down, and wrap my arms around his waist. I bury my face in his chest, kissing his collarbones and nuzzling my cheek against his shirt.
“It’s okay.” I whisper, and he nods, hugging me back.
We stay out in the hallway until the doctors and nurses come back out twenty minutes later. The same doctor as before walks up to Namjoon, and the two talk for longer than any of us really want. Because, let’s be honest, we all just want to go in and see Jeongguk again.
Soon the doctor is waving us into the room however, and Namjoon is smiling so I know it’s all good news.
I missed his smile, I missed all of our smiles. It’s a really nice sight when I walk into the hospital room and see Jeongguk staring at us, smiling his big bunny smile, no more tubes and wires getting in the way.
Everyone else breaks out into big smiles as well, Taehyung with his boxy grin and Yoongi with his gummy smile. Namjoon’s dimples make a reappearance, and Hoseok’s heart shaped smile just makes me smile too. Seokjin’s is all cheery and bright, and only gets brighter when Jeongguk says in a very hoarse voice, “Hey guys.”
Seokjin is hovering over the boy, taking his face in his hands and kissing him with so much passion in only a few moments, it actually makes me laugh. And then Seokjin is pulling away from the kiss and he’s laughing too, and Hoseok is giggling and everything is just brighter.
Seokjin gives Jeongguk some space after one last kiss, sitting down in a chair next to his bedside instead. Namjoon is sitting in the same chair he used before, taking Jeongguk’s hand carefully.
“How’re you doing, darling?” Yoongi asks, keeping his voice soft as he sits on the end of the bed.
Jeongguk sighs, beckoning Taehyung, Hoseok and I closer. I let out a small huff, but I keep the smile on my face and walk over anyways. Taehyung sits a little higher up on the bed than Yoongi, leaning on his shoulder. Hoseok pulls up the doctor’s stool and sits down there, and I take the last plastic chair next to Seokjin.
“I could be a lot worse.” Jeongguk finally responds, voice raspy still. I’m assuming it’s from the tube down his throat, but I’m not going to ask. Especially when he sighs again. “Uh, doctor said I can’t sing for four weeks, can’t dance for three months.”
Namjoon whistles lowly, and Hoseok frowns. Taehyung takes Jeongguk’s other hand, squeezing it reassuringly.
“That’s okay,” He mumbles lowly. “We’ll figure it out. Just as long as you heal nicely.”
“Your health is undoubtedly the most important.” I reiterate, wanting to make that evident to him. Jeongguk just laughs, or laughs as best he can. It’s more consecutive puffs of air, a little bit of squeaking in between.
“I know, and I will. Don’t worry, I won’t rebel against this.” He pauses, his smile falling to one that’s softer. “Are you guys okay?”
Hoseok scoffs, frowning now, a stern look in his eye. “No, you don’t get to ask us that. You were the one that got shot in the stomach.”
Jeongguk flinches a bit, but looks determined to argue. Before he can, though, Namjoon’s speaking again.
“What matters is that you’re okay, not us.”
A pause. And then, very quietly, and without a smile on his face, Jeongguk speaks.
“I remember seeing you guys over me on stage,” He starts. “I remember you all sobbing, and begging me to be okay. I remember Jimin panicking, and Seokjin sobbing, and Taehyung whispering for me to stay awake,” He pauses again, looking at each of us as he calls us out. “I remember Yoongi hovering over me but afraid to touch me, and I remember Hoseok with my blood on his hands. I remember Namjoon trying his damned hardest to talk to emergency services. And I remember the pure sadness in each of you, so yes, I’m going to ask if you guys are okay.”
No one speaks for a moment, I don’t think any of us know what to say. I don’t, I have no idea where to begin. I’m not okay, as much as I want to be. I’m tired, and sad, and yet I’m happy and relieved and I just have so many emotions in my head.
Seokjin is the one that’s figured out what to say, staring at the ground as he talks quietly, almost as if the words are fragile. “Guk, we watched you die. We thought we were going to lose you,” He looks up at Jeongguk then. “I don’t think any of us are okay.”
Jeongguk smiles sadly, taking his hand out from Namjoon’s and opening his arms. Seokjin leans forward, letting Jeongguk wrap his arm around his head and pet his hair.
“I understand, but I’m okay now. I might need some therapy after this, but I’m okay.” He reassures us all, smiling around the room. I can’t help but to smile back, knowing that he wouldn’t lie to us.
I reach over, wrapping my arm around Seokjin’s shoulders and leaning into him. “We’re going to be okay. All of us.”
Jeongguk nods in agreement, giving me a large grin. Taehyung laughs, then pokes Jeongguk’s chest.
“Are you in pain?” He asks, and Jeongguk shakes his head quickly.
“No, they gave me some pretty strong pain killers. I mean, there’s an ache, but it’s fine.”
“You’ll tell us as soon as you are in pain though, right?” Yoongi makes sure.
“And if you have nightmares.” Hoseok adds on.
“Or PTSD.” Namjoon goes to the extreme, but very possible, outcome.
Jeongguk laughs, and the sound immediately melts my heart. I never thought I’d get to hear that sound again, hear his laugh or see his smile or anything. It’s nice to hear it, eases my conscience.
“Of course I will, I know you’d all have my head if I didn’t.” He giggles, obviously trying to lighten the mood while answering honestly.
I shrug. “You’re right, I’d probably slap you if I found out you had a nightmare and didn’t tell anyone.”
Jeongguk lifts his hand from Seokjin’s head briefly, gesturing to me. “See?”
“None of us doubted you, Gukkie.” Yoongi laughs, eyes crinkling in the corners, the sound natural and happy.
The conversation continues to carry lightly, all of us eventually cuddling up to Jeongguk in some way or another once he gives us the okay (as long as we stay clear of his stomach). Taehyung has his head rested on Jeongguk’s chest, while Seokjin is leaning against his side. Namjoon is content to just lean back in his chair, one hand holding Jeongguk’s and the other petting through Seokjin’s hair.
I lay across Jeongguk’s legs, Hoseok next to me, and Yoongi somehow curled up behind Jeongguk and is hugging him to his chest.
We’re all one giant cuddle pile, and I’m surprised the doctors and nurses don’t yell at us when they check in on Jeongguk, just ask us to move for the time behind and tell us we can go back once they’re done. Of course that’s what we do, moving right back to our comfy spots on Jeongguk once they’ve left.
Sejin doesn’t come in, I think Namjoon might have texted him to wait until tomorrow. It isn’t like Jeongguk will be going anywhere, he’s stuck here for a week. Then we all fly back to Seoul and figure out exactly what the hell we’re going to do.
That’s later though, for now I’m happy to just be here. Everyone’s fallen asleep, it’s almost three in the morning I think. Namjoon is snoring away, his neck at an odd angle, and Yoongi is letting out little kitten snores into Jeongguk’s shoulder.
I’m still awake, but nodding off quickly. I’m exhausted, with all the emotional strain and crying and the concert before it all even started. It’s been a long day. I watch Jeongguk, watch him breathe, watch him move.
I revel in every little sound he makes, and my mind calms a little more with every rise and fall of his stomach. I very softly run my hand over his stomach, letting my hand rise and fall along with his breathing. It comforts me, feeling his warmth, feeling the stitches underneath the hospital gown, feeling him simply being alive.
It comforts me enough I can finally fall asleep, drifting off to dreams of all seven of us living happily and together.